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His friend commits suicide, now depressed partner wants out


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Posted

Background: we're both 25. Have dated for seven years total, starting the fourth year cohabitating. Living in the same town where we went to college. He ("G") had been depressed from the beginning of our relationship until this past spring. He just got on the correct medications this past spring, and he has improved a lot. We had just started going to couples counseling (have gone only once so far) to talk through issues related to marriage, children, and whether to relocate. IMO relationship is/was strong.

 

G's very close friend from high school killed himself one week and one day ago (last Monday). G was understandably extremely upset. Went to the funeral, was out of town on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Came home in a terrible depression because of his friend and because he hadn't taken his depression meds in several days (had run out). Sunday, G seemed better.

 

Monday (yesterday) we have a long conversation about what we're looking for in life. Funny that--we're looking for almost the same "big picture" things (to make a positive difference in the world, to have no regrets, to connect to other people/to make memories with other people). It was actually a great conversation overall. I felt like we were really able to communicate so clearly and respectfully with lots of support for each other.

 

In the end, he tells me that he feels like he's been "asleep" for the past seven years. That he needs to "find himself." That he needs to foster his own independence. I asked him if he would continue with counseling; he said yes. I asked what the point of counseling was; he said "to find a solution that works for the both of us." I asked if that meant that he wanted to break things off with me, and he's hoping that counseling will help me cope; he said "yes." He says that he loves me dearly and cares for me deeply (I feel the same way for him). He agreed with the motto "one change at a time." We're going to move to a new city, start new jobs, and build a new community. We're going to keep going to counseling in the new city. We're going to find an apartment with a month-by-month lease, in case we need to stop living together for a while.

 

I talked with his brother (with whom he's very close) to get some insight. Brother says that G feels like he needs to make "drastic changes" in his life, but hasn't mentioned much about me. The changes seemed to be mostly about where he lives and his job.

 

I am beside myself. This isn't a little high school relationship--this is the past seven years that we've built a life together. Having been through mental health issues of my own (and emerged a better person for dealing with them), I can understand that he feels robbed of the last seven years of his (not our) life due to his depression. I understand what it means to need to find yourself and your place in the world. I understand that right now is an awakening for him, and I understand that he's quite traumatized. I wish with all my heart that I could make things better for him. The best that I can do is to try to understand what he needs, and to meet those needs as best I can.

 

I'm going to try to set up an appointment with the counselor that I used to see. I desperately need guidance and someone to talk to right now. It's easy to say all of this, but it's so much harder to do it. I'm having such a difficult time...

 

What do you think of this situation? Between the suicide of his close friend and missing his meds, can he be in his right mind? What can I do to 1) help him, and 2) make our relationship stronger? What next? Should I ask his brother for help? Should I call his parents about the situation (I'm close with his parents)? Where do things stand? Help!

 

N

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Posted

How we left things is that we're on a break from cohabitating and from the intensity of our previous relationship and going back to square one. No commitments, no pressure.

 

We'll both be moving, but we'll be getting separate apartments. We'll continue with counseling to find "a solution that is best for the both of us." At least at first, we're not going to see other people. Just back to the basics, like we just met.

 

We need to rebuild our lives separately before we can be wholly together again.

 

I'm totally crushed, but I think it's for the best. I'm just so afraid that we won't reconcile in the end. If we don't take a break, however, we're done for good.

 

When he told me, his pupils were dilated, eyes were glassy, hands were shaking, couldn't make eye contact, couldn't keep his eyes open. I'm so freaking worried about him... he seems better as the night goes on.

 

I don't know... insight, anyone? Please?

Posted

hi geranium,

 

did try to write to you yesterday but it took a while to confirm my membership on this forum.

 

what concerns me is that you seem to have very little regard for yourself and it's all about your partner.

 

a friend of mine had a boyfriend once that was constantly in therapy, he had all sorts of addiction issues and in the end he killed himself (they had split before that because the relationship was taking its toll). it was very sad for us her friends and family to see how she completely lost her identity for a while.

 

please don't think I'm being judgemental here but don't you think that it's not right for you to be somebody else's crutch all the time? it sounds like your partner is finally trying to stand on his own two feet, maybe it's an opportunity for you as well?

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Posted

Hey birdie,

 

Fair enough. I think the problem is that I've never lived on my own as an adult. The thought of splitting up our stuff, having to start a completely new life on my own, it's both terrifying and agonizing. But you're right, it's a step I need to take.

 

Now I'm struggling with whether to move to the same city as he is (DC), or to stay where I am (NY). I just have no f*cking clue. I'm completely lost.

 

Input, anyone? I'm not looking for answers--I know that there aren't any--but it helps to have something to respond to, to keep my mind focused...

 

Appointment with counselor is this afternoon.

 

N

Posted

Geranium, you are bound to be scared of the outcome of this 'break'. You were a teenager when you and G got together and during that time have turned into an adult, and all with someone else at your side. It IS a scary prospect to have to look after yourself but, like Birdie says, you need to concentrate on YOU. Also, G needs to concentrate on HIMself without having you there to support him. He needs to be happy in himself before he can find true happiness with you, or anyone else.

 

Give him all the space he needs (as painful as this will be for you) but promise him that you will be there for him when and if he needs you. That's all you can do. Concentrate on doing the things you want to do to make yourself happy so that if things don't work out (fingers xd for you that this won't be the case), you have other stuff in your life to focus on.

 

Lots of luck!

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Posted

Princess thanks for your response. You're right that I need to be able to make it on my own.

but promise him that you will be there for him when and if he needs you.

I'm beginning to wonder if that's the right thing to do. I don't know if it's right to hold out hope that we can "date casually" and eventually end up together again, or if we'll "date casually" and then he'll break things off... because he was too much of a chicken **** to end things cleanly at the start.

 

I know I need to move from my (our) current home. Too many memories. I'm considering moving to the same city he's moving to. There are jobs there, and he'd be there. We could do the "date casually" thing, still be a part of each other's lives, but he'd have all the space he needs. Or should I stay put? That would REALLY give him space. Thoughts?

Posted

it's good that you are wondering whether you should be there for him. this means you've started looking after yourself already.

 

don't really know how you decide on the city, I've never been in a situation where I had to consider moving. perhaps the way to approach is to see which would suit YOU more? which one would you prefer to live in? where are most of your friends? where would you be happy renting a flat?

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Posted
it's good that you are wondering whether you should be there for him. this means you've started looking after yourself already.

I've always been pretty independent. Even though the college years of our relationship. I let that slip after college when we moved in together, because I had him and I didn't see the need for anything else.

 

Also I don't believe in playing games. If he says he needs space, then I'll give him space. I don't want to be the wounded puppy that keeps coming back for more.

don't really know how you decide on the city, I've never been in a situation where I had to consider moving. perhaps the way to approach is to see which would suit YOU more? which one would you prefer to live in? where are most of your friends? where would you be happy renting a flat?

I see what you're saying. I don't have the answers now... I don't have a strong feeling for anywhere. At this point, my friends are all across the country, and I've lost touch with many of them. My family (that I love dearly) is in NJ, which means that NYC or Philly are the obvious choices. I just don't know...

 

:lmao:

 

Thank you for your input. It means a lot.

Posted

glad the messages help! maybe the useful side of this experience is that in the future you will keep in touch with your friends more. we ALL give up a little bit of ourselves when we get into a serious relationship young. I think it's only later when you learn to be more assertive and keep your own identity.

 

I think something will happen to help you decide where to live. being close to family definitely helps

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Posted
maybe the useful side of this experience is that in the future you will keep in touch with your friends more.

Yes. Especially after the suicide (which triggered all of this, I'm pretty sure), I'm realizing how important those connections are.

I think something will happen to help you decide where to live. being close to family definitely helps

Well I hope that something happens quickly! Because I'm dying with the unknowns...

 

Thank you again birdie. You are very kind.

Posted

no problem at all.

 

by the way, I tried to reply to your original message the day you posted it but I wasn't registered properly so not sure where it had gone. if you see one from me that sounds like my first one on this thread then don't get confused :) it may come through at some point

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