overanalytical Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 my guy and i have been having a few problems lately and i thought i would join and post for some advice here. background: we've been together 2 years and we are engaged (marrying in 4 months) things have been up and down since we met. i have been divorced for 3 years. i'm 29. we spend a lot of time together whenever we get the chance. lately it's like we are getting irritated if we spend more time than 'normal' together. is this normal? i start to pick fights or he does and we both know we're doing it. then we stop and everything is fine...it's like we both need to release and we do it on each other. we both are stressing about the wedding since we are paying for it (hence me being married earlier) and we are going into credit card debt which is scary but we have a plan so we'll be fine but still... i'm scared i'm causing fights to push him away because i'm scared i will have another failed relationship....and i'm scared that if i pull him in too much that i'm smothering him. any advice/comments would be great. i'll write more later...still trying to gather my thoughts. thanks!
jcster Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 i'm scared i'm causing fights to push him away because i'm scared i will have another failed relationship....and i'm scared that if i pull him in too much that i'm smothering him. This might be the case, and if it is, at least you're cognizant of it. It's got to be scary, getting married again after having the previous marriage end in divorce. (I'm divorced, and I'd be freaking out if I were re-marrying). It's got to be bringing up all sorts of old emotions that are being deflected off into other annoyances. Guys tend to do the same thing naturally. It's stressful to get married. Especially if you're doing it yourself (My ex and I did our own wedding and I would never do it that way again). Try and take some time off from working on the wedding. Spend some time doing something useless and fun. Remember that nothing has to be perfect. And, remember to spend some time on yourself, it's easy to forget that and it definitely adds to the stress. If all else fails - count to 20 before reacting to something that annoys you. It works!
SoHotZanzibar Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 yes. I think you answered your own question.
Author overanalytical Posted August 21, 2007 Author Posted August 21, 2007 how do i not let myself do this?? i dont need to dwell on the past and think everything is going to turn out the same way...it's not and it won't as long as i don't let it or welcome it. i think i do this subconsciously...i'll even get irritated at him because he wanted me to look something up online that he can't while he's at work and we get in a fight...so stupid. i'm also feeling a little left out - we have one of his old college buddies over at the house 4 out of 7 days of the week and am i jealous?? am i mad cause he's taking my time? am i mad cause i have NO friends here? i dont' know. i bought a book last night and am going to start reading...i need a hobby for myself and it's not too expensive and can spend hours doing it.
jcster Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 i'm also feeling a little left out - we have one of his old college buddies over at the house 4 out of 7 days of the week and am i jealous?? am i mad cause he's taking my time? am i mad cause i have NO friends here? i dont' know. I think you're suffering from too much stress, not enough life syndrome. The book is a good idea, you can also go for a walk when you start to get cranky. I always find that when I have a hard time figuring out my emotions, it's due to the fact that I'm moving too quickly and not giving myself enough time to "catch up." Try slowing the pace down a little bit and see if that doesn't help.
Author overanalytical Posted August 21, 2007 Author Posted August 21, 2007 to be horribly honest...and i don't know how in the world i got to this point...i was sitting at home after work (get home 3 hrs before he does) and thougth to myself...i don't feel like doing a thing, no dishes, no laundry, just want to lay on the couch and watch tv and wait for him!! WTF why did i ever get to that point where i'm basing my night around him soooo much? it just hit me hard. maybe that's why i took the initiative and made this post. he got home and we had the best night alst night but why? ugh. thanks for listening and the advice, this helps more than i realized, just talking it all out
Capricciosa Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 Don't know, OA. You seem to be having a lot going on at the same time. Past fears, financial woes, fear of losing self. In these 4 months before you are married, is there some way to put as much emphasis on yourself and your own life/pursuits? Is there a way to not spend so much time together? Hell, you are going to be together a long time now. Sounds like you're losing yourself a bit, and I would suggest finding yourself now, before the institution of marriage tells the world you are now part of a pair. Just my thoughts. And I know it's probably too late, but is there anyway to simplify your wedding so it doesn't put you into so much debt?
Arizona100 Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 When his buddy is at home, is it possible for you to go spend time with a friend (go to the movies, have a drink, etc ..) to change your mind, and so that you aren't with your fiance all the time either? When I am stressed I write. Maybe try that?
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