me, my life is falling apart (sorry this is soooo long :( )

[dylana]

Hello all...I am new here, and am at a point in my life where I need to make a decision. I really am at a loss for what I should do, and need any advice you would be willing to offer.

I will elaborate a bit on my situation so that you understand, it will be hard to explain the past four years in a few paragraphs but I will try my best.

I met my current boyfriend/common law spouse, about seven years ago. We were working together, he was a supervisor. At the time we met, he was married and had a son. I was engaged, but not to the right person.

He got seperated from his wife, and began sharing joint custody of his child with her. She moved to the city, and from what I understand their seperation was quite an ordeal. He believes she cheated, she says he was never emotionally "there".

My engagement fizzled, he was not the right person so I moved on. My bf and I started a relationship quite soon after, and everything seemed to be great. When his ex found out about us she freaked, jealous I guess, not ever thinking he would move on. She immediately withheld his son, and the custody and court battle began. Even though she was insane, calling the house on an hourly basis (keeping in mind they had been seperated for well over a year at this point) she would insult me and him to no end, even went as far as confronting people I knew to get them to write affadavits on her behalf to say I was a drug user (not true) and that is why her child should not be around me. K, now I am rambling, lol. I am trying to get the point across that things have never ever been good, or even calm with the ex. They share week about custody, and for the most part the child and I got along well.

In the beginning of the relationship, even though all the drama with the ex, things were great. As the "new relationship" buzz died down, things became intense. We fought alot when the child was around, and seemed to get along well when he wasnt. It got to the point where I would dread the child to come, for fear of the damage control I would have to do when he left. The fights about the child always left me feeling like I was not a priority in this mans life, as he never ever saw my views, or even attempted to make me feel good about the situation. If I tried to reach out and confront him with my feelings of being pushed aside, or feeling like we were not making the right steps to become a family, it would turn into a nasty fight that left me in tears.

After about two years of being together, and things just "going" for lack of a better word, he began hinting around Christmas that he had bought me a ring. I assumed, naturally that he would propose, we had been together for over two years, I helped him raise his child, etc. The only problem was that he was STILL not divorced. This I will explain more in a bit. Before that Christmas ever approached, it came out that the ring meant no commitment to him and was nothing more that basically a "promise" ring. I was so hurt and offended. I felt like I had loved him, stuck it out with all the crap going on with his "baggage" and still was not worth a commitment. I could go on about this forever, but to make a long story short, that ring never went on my finger, and I still have a pain in my heart when I think of it.

We moved on...and that was that. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I dont know why, but I did. Several months later, I was late getting my period and knew I was pregnant. I was so terrified to tell him, I knew he would freak. You see even though we have been "together" he has never really been there emotionally or mentally. THe fighting and constant struggle to make him realize how I feel, and what was right (in terms of having a family and being happy). He always put his other child before anything else, even to the point of saying silly things like if the he ever lost the child (meaning to his mother) that he would want to die. Doesnt make me feel very good. When I told him I was pregnant, all I really wanted was for him to say, okay, you know what lets do this and finally make this right. All he said was "F***" and we did not speak about it for almost four days. In my mind I knew he did not want it. And the option of abortion was discussed. I had a hard time understanding why he would want to do this, I mean we basically were married, I took care of his child with him, endured all the crap, and took care of him and his home, and still nothing.

We went for an ultra sound to see how far I was so that I knew what kind of time I was playing with decision wise. When we got there I dont think the woman was aware of that, and treated the situation as we were having a baby and happy about it. As soon as I heard the hearbeat and saw my son, my mind was set. He on the other hand was not overly sure, kept looking for reasurrance that his other child would not be left out

My pregnancy sucked. We fought all the time, alot of yelling. Thing with the child fizzled fast and he started causing problems between us. To the point where we were now fighting all the time, not just when the kid was around.I cannot recall one time in my pregnancy where he ever came over and touched my tummy or showed an interest. I would have to ask, and even then I felt like he was not comfortable. That hurt. All I wanted to do was give him the family that I thought he deserved. To top it off, his brother and I had a huge blowout, which resulted in a lot of name calling and terrible things said. We did not speak to his brother or sister in law the entire time I was pregnant.

My labour was long. About a half hour after my son was born, my bf took off. I mean I know he was tired, but he only came back to the hospital for about two hours, later in the day, and again gone. When I got home with my son I was on my own. I mean he helped out, but not nearly enough. I was a new mom...taking care of a baby and his child, the house, him...I felt like a live in nanny/maid/secretary...etc.

The fighting escalated, often in front of my son. He was careful to never be mean in front of his child..but showed no concern to our own. I had enough one day when he screamed at me while my son was in my arms, and I left for two days. He really did not make that much of an effort to get my to come home. When I was gone his son approached him and told him that his mommy had told him to be mean to me so that I would go away. This was what our fight that made me leave was about, the way the child treated me...and how hard i tried to have this family with these two and got nothing in return. Even then he stuck by his son, I mean he talked to him and whatever else but nothing changed.

And since then the fighting has gotten worse, the child tells more lies..the mother is a freaking lunatic..always coming down on me, no one else. She even went to the lengths of phone the Childrens Aid on me one day after her and my bf got into a fight. She created a fake myspace on my behalf and gave out personal info, impersonated other people to send me nasty messages at work. I could not do anything because there was no proof, the police would not help me, even a lawyer wont help me. So again with my hands tied could do nothing to defend myself.

The fighting became regular in front of both kids.

Our sex life died. I would basically force myself to do it to avoid the argument, but with how bad things were, I really just did not want to. I became depressed, lonely, and literally emotionless.

I remember one day my mom told me that if we did not do something to fix this, it may end up too far gone.

Then it gets complicated.

I met someone. In my own mind I have always known I just didnt want to be here, I was not happy. This guy kinda was a kick in the ass. Nothing happened between us. Just talking. But I became inspired. I packed up my son, and left. I told him that we were done, and that I needed to find myself. He would not give up, begging, pleading, etc. He even went to the lengths to buy me a ring, thinking that would solve all our problems. Only thing is that he still is NOT divorced.

Things with this other guy started to escalate. Although I was afraid, and really felt like I should wait, at the same time I made it clear to my ex that I was hurt, and felt like I was done. I also told him that I had fallen out of love. I am not making excuses for falling for someone, I am just stating facts.

Things with this guy seemed like magic, truly he was like my soul mate. He loves my son, my son loves him. He told me that he loves me. We were okay, seeing each other often and I felt like it was meant to be.

My ex went away for a bit, out of town. So we had some time without the stress of worrying about everything else. Except he has some issues with his ex and child. He has been denied seeing his child cause the woman was being a jerk. One day he saw his daughter but was afraid to approach. He kinda fell apart. THis caused a lot of tension for us, and I was starting to get scared that maybe I could not be alone, and that I should go back to the house for my sons sake. This guy told me has was ok with that, as long as i would promise him that I would start looking for a place, he wanted to be with me and for the most part the feeling was mutual. Although I have this thought in the back of my head that I might be making a mistake.

I went back to the house, and my ex was under the impression that I was going to do some serious thinking. He has been crying alot, saying he realizes all his mistakes and will do anything to change, the problem is that I just feel like it might be too late.

We were getting along good, we even went out on a date, and I started to warm up to him and the possibility that maybe I should give it a try. Then the ex started her crap again, she freaked on him in public in front of their kid, and he just walked away and came home and did nothing. (It was at the child baseball game) I was so pissed, I demanded that we all go back there and stick up for ourselves. Well later that night we wrote her an email and basically said that we dont want to talk to her anymore, and that what she did was out of line. She wrote back with nothing but insults to me. She even said that she was sorry for the pressure I put him under, she had spoken to other people who told her that I gave my bf the ultimatum to buy me a ring or else!

This hurt.

And since then we grew distant again.

I still maintain somewhat of a relationship with this other guy, which I KNOW is wrong...I just cant seem to let him go..I know it doesnt help, and it is not fair. I have not been physically seeing him, just talking on the phone and internet.

As for my ex. we have been fighting, he is trying so hard to make me realize how sorry he is, and I am having a hard time believing it. I mean I believe it but I just dont see how things can change. The real kicker was that this week his son told him that he wants to live at his moms full time, cant really blame the kid, so my ex is making the decision to let the kid go. He thinks it could make things better for us, I agree to a point, but we obviously have our own issues.

 

And on top of that I am walking around with this guilt because I dont know what I want, this man is losing his son, he just found out today his gramma is on her death bed, and this crap with me.

 

He knows about the other guy..only to a point. He has been doing a lot of spying on me lately, through the internet etc..which is making me mad, but I cannot blame him. I also found out that several days after I left he contacted a woman whom he was having an affair with (she was the one who was married) about ten years ago. I dont know the extent of their conversation, I know she has tried several times to give him her number, he says he has not called and I have no reason not to believe him.

 

He is willing to forgive anything I have done, so he says.

 

I just dont know what the heck I should do. A part of me says I am finished here, the feelings are dead. But I am afraid that I am saying that because of this infactuation with another person.

 

Then a part of me says maybe this is worth trying..but I also feel I might be saying that out of guilt, or because I am feeling bad for him.

 

This is taking such a huge toll on me and my son. My son acts out in ways you cannot imagine. (Oh I thought I should mention out ages...I am 25, my ex is 36 and our son is not quite 2)

 

I am sorry for rambling...I just need help. I have been told I need to make a decision by the end of the week as to whether or not I really want to stay here, or move out. I dont want to make the wrong choice.

 

Thank you in advance and feel free to ask for any clarification

 

[funnyfarm]

Wow.....personally, from what I have read, I would say get out of this unhealthy relationship with your ex. This isn't a case of a couple of incidents on his part where he has been incredibly selfish, insensitive and just plain mean. There appears to have been a long standing pattern of this. I find it interesting that your ex's wife said he was emotionally never there...sounds like he hasn't changed. It's one thing to be emotionally distant but to do/say some of the things he has said are inexcusable. For the first word to come out of his mouth to be F*** when you told him you were pregnant....I'm just shaking my head:mad:

 

You come across as a very caring individual and I understand the need/desire to help someone you used to care about but I think now is the time to help you and your son. Your son definitely doesn't deserve to grow up in such a volatile and unhealthy atmsophere...take it from someone who did grow up in such an environment. Please don't become one of those persons who base their self worth on how others treat them or if they're in a relationship. It kind of sounds like you may be that way already but you're recognizing it which is huge in itself! Good for you!!

 

I suggest cutting all ties with this ex except for any child related issues. I'm sorry, I don't have kids so not sure what direction to point you in there:o As far as the other guy, I don't hear a lot of feeling from you in regards to him...sounds like he may have been a bit of a safety net to help you distance yourself from your ex. I think it's time for you to focus on you and your son. When you're feeling good about yourself and the direction your life is taking, things will start to make more sense and better doors will begin to open for you.

 

Hang in there:love:

[dylana]

Thank you so much for your reply.

 

Inside my heart I know what is right, and I know that this has gone on too long, with now not only me suffering but my son as well.

 

I guess what I am really afraid of is that he will change this time, and that with the other child now being out of the picture maybe it is possible for things to work.

I guess I am afraid of living in a life of regret.

 

As for the other guy, well I mean I have feelings but I think you are right, that he might just be a bit of a "crutch" in the sense that I will distance myself, and move on.

 

It is hard for me to really know what I am feeling at this point.

 

My ex..or whatever you want to call him, has said that he will give me until the end of the week to decide whether or not I want to give things another shot. This is stressing me out so bad because like I said I dont want to make the wrong choice....ugh, who ever said life was easy though right?

[funnyfarm]

Hey Dylana

 

Nope...life aint easy! Living that every day right now;) I know exactly what you mean about living a life of regret but you know...you gave so much so you can't regret not giving him "one last chance"...how many times have you said that before? Your ex is coming across as a little bit of an emotional blackmailer?

 

Be strong..I know...easier said than done. But, turn to those who unconditionally love you for support. Focus on your son and being the best possible mom he could ever have. The more you are able to do that, the stronger you will become and things will become less fuzzy. And, of course, focus on YOU....the things that make you truly happy..not things that give you a false sense of security. Only when you are strong are you capable of being strong in a relationship. Hope this helps in any way:love: