How do I end this?

[katla]

Okay, this might be a little long-winded but I'll try my best to keep it as succinct as possible. I think I need to paint a full picture, or at least one that's obvious for anyone outside of it to see, in order to give off a better understanding of what I'm doing now and whether or not it is the wisest thing I can do. I really hope that some of you will bear with me. This is only my second post, but I can tell that there are a lot of wise souls in here, and I'd be incredibly grateful for your advice and input.

 

My ex-boyfriend and I called it off about a year ago. He'd always been flakey and VERY unreliable -- long before we even became romantically involved -- canceling meet-ups at the last hour or forgetting them entirely. I bit my tongue and pretended it was all okay. I didn't want to be perceived as the "controlling" type, especially so early on in the relationship. I wanted to be the cool, laidback girl who didn't let something like a no-show bother her because, hey, she was too busy having a good time somewhere else, and that was true to some extent in the beginning. As we became more involved, though, it became harder to hide my feelings of anger and hurt over this, and at the same time I began to seriously consider that it all had to do with me. That I was somehow the cause for his behavior and that it wasn't just this inherent characteristic of his; that I just wasn't worthy of his time.

 

I'd confronted him once about how disrespectful it was before, but apparently he didn't fully get the message because it continued to happen months down the line, until I finally told him that I couldn't deal with it anymore. I was looking for a relationship; he said he wasn't. Boy did that hurt. I should have guessed from the way in which he was treating me and from his overall carefree nature that he wasn't looking for a real girlfriend. One of his friends of about five years had even told me that he couldn't even remember the last time this guy had mentioned having a girlfriend. But the things he said about how he wanted me to be a part of his life, how he wanted to make me happy, the tenderness and genuine care that he could exude sometimes, the way in which everyone around him seemed to love him for his charm and warmth seduced me into thinking that he was capable of even more. And I fell for it, and for him.

 

I spent the next several months coping with the loss of what could have been (or so I thought at the time). At first I was able to look at it all objectively and realize that I did a very mature thing in ending it when I could clearly see that I would only end up even more hurt if I'd consented to settling for less than I wanted and deserved. The more I started to think about the reason why the relationship ended, though, the more I couldn't help blaming myself. It wasn't so much that he didn't want a relationship; he just didn't want one with me.

 

Needless to say all of this obsessive thinking and self-blame began to take a nasty toll on my mental health and my personal life. My friends were starting to get sick of hearing about "the *********," they called him, but I couldn't concentrate on anything else. It was as though I could somehow solve whatever was bothering me if I just thought about it hard enough.

 

It didn't help that he was still calling me up and that I still looked forward to these calls. The chemistry between us was still there and I missed him so much. But like I did in the beginning, I continued to play it cool, keep it light, and pretend that I was already over him and was fine with being friends. I guess I still held out hope that he'd come around if I remained friendly but a little elusive. Plus, I figured, why would he call me so often if he WASN'T still interested?

 

I kept this charade up for six months. He was as charming as ever. We hooked up a few times within that period. Amazing while it was happening, absolutely miserable several days later when he still hadn't called and I realized that I'd been sucked back into the vortex of not having his respect and losing my integrity in the process yet again. The real deathknoll on my self-dignity, though, happened last December. I was over at his place hanging out, and a female friend of his dropped by to see if he wanted to watch a movie with her and her roommate. The long and short of it: we watched the movie, actually had a good time, then went to bed when it became obvious that it was too early in the morning to drive home. The hang-up? He only had one bed, and apparently he had one girl in mind to cuddle with, and it wasn't me.

 

So I did something that any girl in my situation would do. I told him he was a piece of sh**, gathered my things, and left. I shouldn't have been there to begin with, I know. I guess I still stubbornly held on to the belief that I could seduce him back into my life for good. One thing I've come away with from this is the firm convinction that people don't change just because you want them to; they can only begin the process of change when they want to, and even then, it's an uphill battle. I couldn't make this guy be less of an ********* any more than I could have more faith in the wisdom of my decision to leave him, because neither one of us was willing to change.

 

I didn't talk to him for several months. What happened that night sickened me, although I knew I shouldn't have been surprised. And yet I was. Because I was still convinced that, deep down, he still harbored feelings for me, and how cruel it was of me to cut him out of my life so abruptly. I always want to be the "nice one"; I want to be admired for my ability to love and forgive. But I can build up anger and resentment, too, and in that respect, this guy had me by the horns. I simply couldn't let go of the humiliation and righteous anger that I felt over that night and all the other times he failed me.

 

I finally called him, weak, drunk, and lonely, back in April. He seemed so happy to hear from me and genuinely interested in my life. I tried not to tell him much. I brought up what happened; he immediately apologized and muttered something about how he was just "too free sometimes." But his apology wasn't fervent, or didn't seem enough so to me given the gravity of what he'd done. It didn't sit right. Still, he seemed eager to pursue something like a friendship, and I was hopeful that this time, somehow, things would be different, so when he asked if it was okay for him to call me, I consented. He did the following week, and the week after that. He asked me if we could get together sometime for a movie or a walk with the dogs; I thought it was a good start, until he didn't follow through with either one of those offerings. Same old story, right? Man am I ever forgiving.

 

But I don't want to be the victim anymore. I'm tired of placing all of the blame of my unhappiness on this guy who was caring and loving towards me occassionally but didn't genuinely care about me after all. I just want to move on, and I feel like I'm making a lot of headway in my ability to finally recognize his faults and my own naivety in pushing them aside in favor of a fantasy that will never come to fruition.

 

The last time we spoke he kept going on and on about how sweet I was. He even told me he was bad news, though he affirmed that he would never intentionally hurt me, and it's true that he never intentionally has. Everyone thinks I'm giving him too much credit. So what if he calls me? So what if he even likes me? Small concilation for him being him, they say.

 

Do I stop talking to him altogether for good? Is that too drastic a measure? Would it be "cruel"? Even if it were cruel, would it be justified? I think I know that in my heart of hearts that no longer accepting his calls, hell, even changing my phone number might be the only way to get rid of this guy and this pain for good and finally move on, but I could really use some support in making a decision that goes so much against the grain of what I would normally do (be "nice"). I almost feel as though he doesn't deserve an explanation or even a forewarning.

 

Again, I apologize for the lengthiness of my post. Thanks for any input you can give me.

 

Lauren

[oddie]

Well Lauren, you seem like a very nice person.....a very nice person that is being taken advantage of! Can you say manipulation?? This person is def feeding on your weakness (being kindhearted) , which is a good quality, but not everyone deserves to be extended that quality, expecially if they are dierespecting you by taking you for granted.

I realize that emotions become involved while making this type of decision, and rightfully so after two people express their feelings for each other, and they share intimacy. But the writing is def on the wall, and your vision is clouded. I really believe that NC is def what is going to get you to a place where you can make a rational decision about your relationship (or lack of) with this person. Every time you go back or make contact, you essentially tell him that his behavior is ok and you accept it, therefore there is no reason for him to treat you any different! What you also do is reopen your wounds with this person, whaich makes the healing process that much more difficult! So again NC will get you to a healthy state of mind and clear your clouded vision. Questions: do you really like the way this situation makes you feel?....do you really feel you deserve to be treated this way?.....does this person deserve you and your kindheartedness? NO! Unless you get to a place where you can make a healthy decision, this situation will continue to drag you down, and that is a decision that only you can make.....start today you deserve it! Also you will never attract anyone healthy into your life when and if they see you in this state of mind.....who knows when you get to that place you may find you are much more happier than you ever thought possible. The right road is never easy, try to post here to get support when you feel weak, we all have faith in you.....besides is there truly a better option then a happy and healthy peice of mind?

[katla]

Wow, that WAS a long post. I guess I really needed to get all of that out after bottling it up these past few months. Maybe I should do a short version.

 

Help! I'm trying to get over this charming ex-boyfriend of mine who's ultimately ended up disappointing me billions of times and will probably never change. Should I get rid of him for good, or am I being too dramatic? The end, ha!

[sunnysideup1]

Hi Katla. I really relate to your post. The only advice I can give you is to stay far, far away. This man will only hurt you. I know because I have been in a similar situation as you and somehow managed to get dragged back into it. Let's just say the only thing you will find waiting for you is heartache. I don't believe this man will ever give you what you need. If I had your e-mail address, I would e-mail you so that we could both give each other the strength to get out of this. Unfortunately, I'm in the situation but I'm planning to get out as we speak.

[sunnysideup1]

Oh yeah, I forgot to ask. The situation which you described in which he cuddled with another girl (how ****ty!)...I didn't get it...were you all in the same bed at the time? How awkward.

[katla]

Thank you both for your kind words and support, oddie and sunnyside. I changed my phone number last week. Still feeling incredibly guilty about it and thinking back on how affectionate he was the last time I saw him and wondering if I'm being unnecessarily harsh.

 

But it's not about revenge. I really think that changing my phone number is the only way I can let go. I won't have to deal with his late-night phone calls, or more significantly his lack of phone calls. My personal worth can no longer be gauged by whether or not he's called, and I just know that if I knew whether or not he'd tried to call me since our last meeting, I'd be a mess yet again. "What did I do? What did I say? Why doesn't he like me enough to call?" and all that other extraneous bull****.

 

Damn it is hard in the mornings, though. I keep waking up and remembering the last time I woke up with him and I still get this overwhelming urge to call him up and see if I can come over. It's not so much emotional anguish that I feel as it is physical. I wonder if I can pull through this.