Micke81 Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 So, here's my story. This summer business took me away from my husband for 5 weeks. I met a man on that was on the same route as me (there were about 8 of us on the same route for all 5 weeks). My HUSBAND kept joking around with me about hooking up with someone else. On night on the phone I told him that I was seriously considering it. Our conversation took a more serious tone and he told me that was a fantasy of his for me to be with someone else. After more discussion, he told me to go for it with the guy I'd met. 2 days later, I slept with this guy. For the remaining 2 1/2 weeks we had sex almost every night. H knew about it all and got turned on by it. The "problem" arose because I developed strong feelings for this guy. Not to mention he is a better lover than my H. Of course I left these details out when telling my H about the sex. After the 5 weeks was up, I gave a sad goodbye to my lover and headed home. It's been a month and we exchanged emails and chats very often. This past week I noticed his emails didn't have their usual romantic closings. Last night he told me he had started dating someone and while nothing had really happened between them yet, he didn't feel he could send me romantic emails anymore. We will be seeing each other again in 2 months and had been exchanging emails and chats about that event. Of course the chances are now slim to none that we will be "together" at this event. The thing is, I feel as if a knife has been stuck in my gut, and I don't know how to deal with it. It's been over 7 years since I've ended any type of romantic relationship and I'd forgot how much it sucked. If I remember correctly confiding in friends and getting their advice helped. I can't do that. I have to pretend everything is fine. I haven't even told any of my friends that I slept with someone else, and my H certainly doesn't know I had feelings for this guy. I know I'm going to get a lot of "you deserve this" and so forth. I'm certainly not claiming that I don't. I was very supportive of the OM when he told me about this new relationship. It is certainly not something I can offer him, and I really do want him to be happy. I don't even want to tell him how much it hurts because he certainly shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to move on. I just want the pain to stop and I don't know how to make it stop. How do I do that???
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 How to make the pain go away? Time and no contact. That is the only way. It will take a long time, and you will find yourself resenting your husband for being everything your OM is not. That will pass too. Eventually. I'm serious about the 'no contact' thing. You will never get over your OM unless you cut all ties with him, and have no contact in any way, shape or form.
Lizzie60 Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Hummm... I guess time will heal your wounds... I don't know what else to say. Just stay out of his life. And you're right, he never promised you anything so you're both free to sleep with anyone you want. Your husband is aware and agree so that's a good thing for you I guess...but he's probably doing the same thing..that's why he doesn't really care. Just give yourself some time... and when you catch yourself thinking about him... change your mind, keep busy.
lindya Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 I don't even want to tell him how much it hurts because he certainly shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to move on. I just want the pain to stop and I don't know how to make it stop. How do I do that??? There's a difference between making someone feel guilty for hurting you, and letting them know that you're sad to lose them. I think you could send a brief email giving him the "I'm sad it's over. I agree that we shouldn't have further contact and I wish you the best" message as a way of drawing a line under it in your own mind. As to how to make the pain stop - that's a far tougher one. One thing that strikes me about your OM is that when he met a new woman, he had sufficient respect for her and her feelings - and, I'd say, for you and yours - to tell you "no more romantic messages between us." This seems to be quite a contrast with your husband who was more than happy for you to sleep with another man on the (very naive at best) understanding that you wouldn't develop feelings for that other man. This seems to be a feature of open relationships - ie the man being able to separate sex from emotion, placing on his partner this expectation that she will do the same - then (thinking on the experiences of a few people I've known) becoming bewildered and angry when she does, in fact, develop an emotional attachment to the other man she's sleeping with. No wonder the end of this relationship is causing you so much pain and confusion. It's not just the end of a relationship you're having to deal with here - it's also the prospect of continuing in a marriage with a man who would encourage you into that situation, and attach completely unrealistic conditions as to how you should handle it. A man you can't discuss any of this with....presumably because you don't feel able to say "I'm not you. I couldn't deal with this situation the way you believed I should deal with it. I couldn't switch off emotionally while I slept with that man. I couldn't fetishise myself in that way. Sorry about that." That's what you now have to deal with. I wonder if some individual counselling - with a view, perhaps, to marital counselling - might be what you need here?
4whatItsWorth Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 It always hurts when the EX meets someone new. No matter how old, a tiny tiny voice inside says "Sure, I should be happy for him. But now I know what he is going to do, and say to her...he'll no longer be into me.' It's kind of an EGO thing. You want him to not get over you that soon. But he seems to be a good guy, wish him luck, don't sleep with other men - or think about if your husband is "all that"? Councelling would probably help. Best of luck.
lostboy60645 Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 You know, I'm not a great role model as one who cheated on my wife compulsively with prostitutes, masturbated compulsively with internet porn, and had cybersex with strangers... That being said, I've been in recovery for sexual addiction for the past year and I actually read a very similar story to yours in a book called Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes PhD. While I have no clue if either of your are 'addicts', and it certainly doesn't sound like you are, it sounds like you and your husband should explore where in the world this idea came from and how you both feel about the situation. I don't think disclosing your feelings directly to him is necessarily a good idea, if he's anything like the myself or guys described in this book. This could be something quite deep and complicated rather than just 'trying an open relationship', and I bet that a little digging with a counselor who specializes in sex addiction (someone with a CSAT or certified sex addiction therapist) would be the best way to go. My situation is significantly different, but I'd always fantasized about my wife with other people with me either with them or watching. She never went for it and I never pushed it. You can read about our story on the blog listed below. Good luck Lostboy60645 http://www.livingsobriety.blogspot.com
norajane Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 This seems to be a feature of open relationships - ie the man being able to separate sex from emotion, placing on his partner this expectation that she will do the same - then (thinking on the experiences of a few people I've known) becoming bewildered and angry when she does, in fact, develop an emotional attachment to the other man she's sleeping with. No wonder the end of this relationship is causing you so much pain and confusion. It's not just the end of a relationship you're having to deal with here - it's also the prospect of continuing in a marriage with a man who would encourage you into that situation, and attach completely unrealistic conditions as to how you should handle it. Well, she didn't say he attached all kinds of conditions on it. And he encouraged her to do something she wanted to do anyway. And, apparently, something she really, really enjoyed. My point is, it's not really fair to make her H the bad guy here. They were open about their fantasies as a couple, and it turned out differently than either of them expected. Her H is not solely to blame for anything. She made choices - she was not forced or coerced into anything. She did what she wanted to do.
Mrs.C. Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 just wondering, why would your husband fantasize about you with another guy? not judging, just wondering if that was a surprise to you
Author Micke81 Posted August 21, 2007 Author Posted August 21, 2007 Thank you all. I've gotten some very good advice here. Like most people I will follow some of it, but probably will not be brave enough to follow all of it. I can't say enough how helpful it is to read your words. I did not end contact, but I wrote him the following info: Me: Actually to be frank, the process of switching my thoughts to "just friends" has been much much harder for me than I imagined that it would be. The last couple of days have been tough, but I'm sure I'll be able to get there soon. Him: I understand... I have to admit that it's not so easy for me either Me: I think that even if things don't work out between you and ******, I might want to keep it "just friends", and if things are different when you are here, that would be nice, but I don't want to get my hopes up again. This is one rollercoaster ride of emotions that I don't really want to ride more than once. Him: ok... I don't know how to reply... but it's probably best that way... Me: I don't really know what else to say either...I still have very strong feelings for you...strong enough to want you to be happy more than I want to "have you", and I'm smart enough to know that you've got a much better chance of that with ****** (or someone else) than with me. That said, in ****** if you are single...but I want to plan for you not to be, protect myself a bit... I also talked to my H about it some more. The things that Lydia said made me realize how important it was to be open with him. Suprisingly that part went very well. He was shocked that I thought he would be upset. He said that he never thought I was the type of woman that could completely detach sex and emotion. He said as long as I was open and honest about everything, and of course never made plans to leave, then he was okay with it. He promised to tell me if he ever felt threatened. LucreziaBorgia is right. I had been resenting my H for things that were different between the men, but honestly, I know in the end I prefer my H and this was even more cemented in my mind last night. Don't get me wrong, the breakup still hurts, and hurts bad. You can see from my IM's that I wasn't brave enough to really break it off. Our paths will cross in a couple months, but after that there is no planned date when they will cross again, and it may be years before they do. In my head, that's always been the real goodbye time. About my H fantasy. I don't know where it comes from, but I am sure he isn't a sex addict, and I don't for one moment think it's because he doesn't love me. He believes (and I agree) that our relationship is very special and it would take a lot more than sex to threaten it. He just didn't get the jealous gene. He's into porn, but only on nights when he wants sex and I don't, and he tells me that he's going to look. He only looks at the free stuff and he never clears the history, so I know he isn't "hiding" it. We have a healthy amount of sex. Probably about 3 times a week. I don't think we are sex addicts by any stretch of the imagination, we are just a bit more open. And he isn't having sex behind my back. He tried to pick up someone once while I was away (with my permission first) but was unsuccessful. Plus there are never any of the "I'm working late..." or "Business trip..." Not because I'm keeping tabs on him, just because we communicate all throughout the day, I know where he is pretty much all day long.
Author Micke81 Posted August 23, 2007 Author Posted August 23, 2007 He hasn't signed into the IM service we use. We aren't in the same timezone and he is generally signed in way before I get to work. He also usually works late, and yesterday he didn't. I'm pretty sure that last night must have been "the night". Just having a hard time getting him off my mind today...
Author Micke81 Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 Well someone needs to slap a big "YOUR AN IDIOT" sticker on my head. Here's an update: OM and gf broke up. They actually never had sex. We did meet up about 2 weeks ago and have an amazing amazing amazing 4 days with each other. And that time was just about the two of us. No business or others around. We were in a city that we knew no other people. It was magical. Then I didn't see him for a week, then he was in my hometown for a week, where we continued the relationship. I fell for him. I fell for him hard. It makes all the stuff I said last time seem insignificant. And he for me. He never came out and said it, instead he used the "you've made your choice" but it was very very clear from him actions that he wanted me to leave my H and be with him. There were a waterfall of tears on both of our parts. Now I have lost all romantic feelings for my H. And I told him this a couple of nights ago. I expected anger, tears, something. He was a little bit sad, but thought it was all his fault and placed no blame on me at all. My H is a good man. He really is. And I love him. I have a deep love for him, but it's not at all romantic love right now. Honestly, if I wouldn't be hurting so many people I would probably go with this OM. It's my loyalty and vows that are currently keeping me with H. H said he would try to be more romantic...he did the laundry yesterday. That's his version of romance, and that's all I thought I needed before I met this OM. The chemistry between me and the OM is great. And the sex...I started crying when I was having sex with the OM for the last time because I never thought it could be that good. And now I know I will never have sex like that ever again. I don't have anyone to talk to, and it's killing me. Tomorrow H and I will leave town to visit family, and I will have no internet connection. It will be a full week of true NC between OM and I... I guess I will have to reevaluate my feelings when I get back. Any sage advice other than, "I told you so?" Believe me, if I make it through this I will never do this again...but now, can I truely ever be happy again knowing what I'm giving up?
bestadvisor Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 This is so stupid, both you and your husband, especially your husband. You H is an idiot to let his W sleep with another man, especially when he knew that you can't seperate sex from love. Do you really think this "fling" thing will last more than a year after you left your H to be with the OM? It's the sex and the newness that made you want thim and it will fade away slowly and probably completely gone in a year or two.
Author Micke81 Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 This is so stupid, both you and your husband, especially your husband. You H is an idiot to let his W sleep with another man, especially when he knew that you can't seperate sex from love. Do you really think this "fling" thing will last more than a year after you left your H to be with the OM? It's the sex and the newness that made you want thim and it will fade away slowly and probably completely gone in a year or two. Yeah, I know it was stupid. At least now I do. And I have no idea what would happen in a year or two.
Author Micke81 Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 With a husband like that, who needs one? I don't understand what you mean. My H is a good man.
torranceshipman Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Make a clean break - leave your H and go for it with the OM. I think this is a case of cause and effect - a H says 'go for it and sleep with another man' to his W and this is the outcome - not such a bit surprise that things got complicated and your H was playing with fire when he suggestd this in the first place...whats done is done...everyone has to deal with the here and now and I think making a clean break IS the best choice. You only have one life so go where your heart leads you. Staying with a H when you really want to be with the OM is a bad idea. Only thing I can say is - do NOT choose to be with both - that is a recipe for unmitigated disaster. And will it work out? Maybe, maybe not, but you cant stay with the H just because you're worried that it might not work out with the OM - thats not fair on your H as he is a guy, not a security blanket! And who knows...if you and your H split, and you try to make it work with the OM, who knows, it might be great or it might remind you of what you loved about your H in the first place and you might try to reconcile with your H then appreciate eachother a whole lot more...but right now the M seems to be in a mess so I think you need to take decisive action one way or the other...
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I have to say that I can't even imagine letting SEX rule my life like you're letting it rule yours. Crying because sex is so good? Your priorities are so skewed. And yes, your H is an idiot for having opened this door, all to get himself a cheap thrill. He paid for the ticket, so now he gets to take the ride. You two put the 'fun' in dysFUNction.
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