Wibble Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 I am sorry to whine on about this, but some words of wisdom from the more experienced would be appreciated... I won't bore you with my story, just suffice to say that is is now 2 years since D day. Whilst I have found it easier to deal with as time has passed, whenever I stop to actually think, I mean really THINK, about how my wife betrayed me and our family, I find it impossible to imagine a future together. Most of the time I find her affair takes on a sort of dream-like quality. I can almost kid myself it didn't happen. It is at these moments that I have to pinch myself and remember the truth of her behaviour. I tell myself she is capable of ANY deception. This sort of "re-sets" my emotional clock, and makes me completely indifferent to our relationship. It is at these times I find it incredibly hard to summon any enthusiasm for a life with this woman. Indeed for the last 4 days I have been loathing the very sight of her. All I see is a woman who betrayed every intimacy of our marriage, who allowed another man to touch and seduce her, and invited him into our bed. Repeatedly. I see someone who watched her own marriage fall apart whilst pursuing someone else's husband, blind to the emotional carnage she was causing. I sound consumed with rage - in truth I am not. I am just immensely sad and unable to commit to this person in anything like the way I used to. I have acknowledged that I am married to someone who I do not feel is in love with me, and am consequently feeling adrift. I have got used to the betrayal and hurt, and now feel empty. Is this another "stage", or something more serious?
mattym Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 I maybe the worst person to reply to your OP, but I've been given such compassion and practical advice here I thought maybe I could offer you something As a MM, and someone who is the 'perpetrator' of an affair, perhaps it may help you to know that I never did what i did because i didn't love my wife. And I also didn't do it because i wanted to leave her I'm guessing your W is the same, or she wouldn't still be there In my case, life became stale, and the relationship became stale. I'm beginning to realise that i contributed to that - it wasn't my W's responsibility to keep me enthralled with life, that was down to me - but I looked for answers OUTSIDE the marriage My W has just discovered me, and I now ( quite rightly) have to deal with the mess I've created Just thought it may be some small help to know that, as in my case, your W probably never stopped loving you. maybe she was like me, and took her partner for granted Good luck to you Matt
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Is this another "stage", or something more serious? I would say, yes its a stage - when you are cheated on it is like catching emotional herpes. Endless stages are ahead of you. What you are feeling will never truly go away as long as you are with this person, just like herpes stays with you for the rest of your life. Just like herpes, it may not be bad all the time but from time to time you'll have an emotional outbreak when trigger moments happen. It will flare up and be just as painful as it ever was. All you have to look forward to when you stay with a cheater are those dormant periods between flareups. I am sorry to say it this way, but that is just how it is. You may eventually have long dormant periods of time where you feel strong and healed, but infidelity is a virus lodged in your heart and it never really goes away. How to get rid of it? Well, you can spend years in intensive therapy working on your issues as a couple and individually, or you can wipe the slate and abandon the illness altogether through divorce, taking your chances with someone else and move on. I'm all about working for marriage when it can be salvaged, but sometimes you reach a point where you know it can't be. In your case, what is stopping you from divorcing your wife? Would that be an option for you?
East of Jupiter Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Wibble ~ It has been about seven years for me. My own situation is a little different because I had several DDs. But I have been at this over ten years as ironically, I hosted an infidelity forum before I knew about my husband. There is no magic amount of time where things simply get better. And everyone has a different way of coping and processing so there is no timeline. But from what I have learned, it takes two years before you stop feeling crazy (it was so for me as well). Some experts say that the entire process takes approximately 7 years. Not that you will feel the same all of those years, only that you will be processing the grief (yes, you had a huge loss) and to build enough confidence in your self to fully trust another person again. I have seen it play out many, many times. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. But I agree with the poster who said you may never get over it. Unfortunately, the only way to know that is if you give it enough time. If I remember correctly, your wife did some very cruel things to you. Are you in MC? I she in IC?
Author Wibble Posted August 21, 2007 Author Posted August 21, 2007 Thanks for the replies, folks. It is all a comfort, even if I have given up searching for "answers" from other people. In the end we are all alone with our problems, and only the individual knows what feels "right" as a course of action. Even if it hurts! Mattym, thanks for your input. As you say, my wife claimed she has always "loved" me, even when she "loved" the OM. I think she must have overlooked the "respect" bit of loving someone, because it sounded ridiculous then, and positively absurd now. Self delusion as a fig leaf to hide reality. I am afraid that hearing my wife repeatedly profess her love for another man, then trying to claim that she still loved me, was one of the most damaging parts of the whole discovery process. If this woman is capable of such monumental self-deception, what else is she capable of? As for counselling, in all its myriad forms, well it took me nearly 18 months to finally "persuade" (almost blackmail, really) my wife into going to MC. We lasted 3 sessions. I found it traumatic, but helpful. The counsellor rapidly identified that my wife had severe "issues" with grief and loss, and urged her to seek IC, as a matter of urgency. So far as I am aware, she has done nothing about it. She also failed to attend one-to-one sessions with the MC, and so I have stopped trying to force the issue. You can lead a horse to water etc. This has been typical of her approach to the entire affair. She wants to put it all behind her. Put it in a box, on a shelf, in the attic of our memory, never to be opened. Of course to me, if it is a box, then it is Pandora's. It has already been opened and the world has changed. Self deception does not address the issues raised by her behaviour, and the uncertainties I currently feel are not diminishing. We live a perfectly normal life at the moment. We are pleasant, affectionate, rarely argue, indeed she is almost a "Stepford Wife". So why do I feel there is no PASSION? Why do I feel that she would never take the risks for me that she was prepared to take for the OM? How will I EVER feel like I am No. 1? I feel I am sinking into the quicksand of domestic normality once again, without EVER feeling alive and adored. Just a meal ticket for a selfish woman. I realise this sounds like a mid life crisis, and maybe it is, but then again, maybe I have just begun to see my life for the illusion that it really is. Argh!
Trialbyfire Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 Wibble, I don't blame you one bit for wondering why you would stay to pay the bills, unless you have children. You don't mention children so I'll assume you don't. Why are you staying? I didn't and found it was the best decision I've ever made, bar none. The thought of being reminded daily of the infidelities by having to look at his face, made the decision for divorce comparatively easy. There is a great, big world after divorce.
Author Wibble Posted August 21, 2007 Author Posted August 21, 2007 Yes, we certainly DO have children! Just a quick re-cap, to save you reading ALL my posts. I discovered, 2 years ago, that my wife had been having a VERY passionate affair with a MM for 2 1/2 years. They had been in our bed, gone out with the kids as a "family", spent weekends together in hotels, even met some of our "friends". In the course of uncovering the depths of this betrayal, I discovered not only video evidence (ugh!) of things she flatly denied doing, but also that they had originally met 15 years earlier, when they had worked together. Even though she had been married to me for 3 years at that time, they still had a "fling". I have never found out what the "fling" involved, and given her track record of denying everything until faced with incontrovertable evidence, I am never likely to. So, in essence, my wife was unfaithful to me within 4 years of getting married, but I never found out. She then returned to him 13 years later, after the birth of our 3 children, and this time stayed at it until she was found out. She even said she was so obsessed with him that she would have continued the affair until forced to stop. The ONLY, and I do mean ONLY, reason we have stayed married is because we have children. She has realised that she made a HUGE mistake, and bitterly regrets what she has done. I do believe she is genuinely sorry; but - she has had TWO bites of the cherry, and expects to be allowed to deal with it in the way she feels most comfortable; ie, pretend it never happened, and go back to normal. Meanwhile, I am left wondering if ANY of the feelings I thought we have shared over the last 2 decades are actually genuine, or was I the only one who felt them? Normality has a superficial attraction - we can play happy families and never mention it again, but it is an elephant in the room. You both know it is there, but neither of you want to mention it, because to acknowledge it shows up the charade for what it is. I am not afraid of divorce on my own account. In many ways I feel it is the only "just" outcome for such treatment, but I AM worried about the effects on my chidren. I am surrounded by divorced couples, many of whose children seem totally screwed up by the experience. So maybe living the illusion is the best way ahead at the moment. I know that a crunch will come when the youngest leaves home - 8 years away - and maybe, by then, my feelings will have mellowed somewhat. As I said, I have stopped seeking answers.
Davey McG Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 Wibble, I don't think divorce is as devastating on children as many on these boards believe. Intially its very painful for them, but children are adaptive and a lot smarter than we give them credit for. Of course they don't want divorce, but seriously, from reading your other posts and what going on now I would consider divorce as a viable course of action
lostboy60645 Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 Just a reference to an American toy from the 70's there...it was actually Weebles. Anyway, the "Weeble" is a good analogy of a human being going through a rough time in the best way possible. This was a childhood toy of little egg-shaped people, weighted on one end so they would wobble about but never tip over to their sides. I'm a serial cheater, with prostitutes and masturbation rather than one affair, and I don't pretend that that's any different. It's all infidelity with delusional thinking on the part of the cheater, in that I thought I was still honoring my marriage while getting 'what I needed' from elsewhere. In spite of my remaining faithful since prior to my voluntary disclosure of my problems--I was never 'caught', but rather couldn't take the pain of the compulsive behavior and it's attendant craziness--my wife has left me and taken the kids, house, 2/3 of our money with her. It sounds counterintuitive that you would be doing the best for your children by leaving your wife, but I suggest you speak to your own individual therapist who can help you gain some perpsective, and remember, I'm a cheater whose wife left him. Your wife is doing herself, your children, and you the greatest injustice by 'putting this on the shelf'. I'm thinking that this will keep her miserable and at risk of doing this again, it will keep you from trusting her ever again (which I wouldn't blame you if you never did anyway), and it will undoubtedly be more harmful to your children to keep this facade of a functional marriage going while the kids are growing up. My father was a sex addict who to this day does not know how to connect to my mother or any of his children in a meaningful way. His lack of recovery work and the poisonous dynamic that permeated our home has likely contributed to 4 out of his six children getting divorced and all having similar problems with sex addiction, poor coping skills, and compulsive overeating. I think untreated mental illness, which by some is the definition of a cheater's condition (mentally ill) is potentially the most toxic thing to keep untreated and undiscussed in a family. The carnage this has caused my family and those around us is nearly immeasurable. Do your kids a favor. Get an opinion from one or more professionals about what may be healthiest for your family. It may save your children years of pain and thousands in counseling fees.
Author Wibble Posted August 21, 2007 Author Posted August 21, 2007 Thanks for the insight, Lostboy.... FWIW I don't think my wife has a mental illness, per se, she just finds it incredibly hard to make commitments, or even to reciprocate the commitment of others. Her way of "dealing" with things is to ignore them. She has always done it, and I was content that this was an adequate coping strategy, until I realised the emotional vulnerability that she suffered as a consequence. Without getting too Freudian, she has not yet truly "grown up" emotionally. I did not realise this when I married her, but now realise that her overblown, hyper-emotional reaction to upsetting news is a symptom of that immaturity. The fact that she refuses to address this aspect of her character is something that causes me despair for the future. Incidentally, the "Wibble" handle is, in fact, a homage to one of the funniest tv series ever screened - Blackadder Goes Forth - in which Captain Blackadder tries to impersonate madness (and avoid charging into german machine gun fire in WW1) by sticking a pair of underpants on his head, two pencils up his nose, and saying nothing but "Wibble". It has always struck me as a pretty good metaphor for enforced lunacy - the situation has forced you to behave in a way that, under other circumstances, you would have described as mad. Hope that clears it up!
Ladyjane14 Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 Incidentally, the "Wibble" handle is, in fact, a homage to one of the funniest tv series ever screened - Blackadder Goes Forth - in which Captain Blackadder tries to impersonate madness (and avoid charging into german machine gun fire in WW1) by sticking a pair of underpants on his head, two pencils up his nose, and saying nothing but "Wibble". It has always struck me as a pretty good metaphor for enforced lunacy - the situation has forced you to behave in a way that, under other circumstances, you would have described as mad. Hope that clears it up! You know, I wondered about that... I'm a HUGE Blackadder fan, and when you first started posting, it was the only reference that sprang to mind for the word "wibble". I'm glad you cleared that up for us. And you know what... I think you've given yourself a bit more insight as to why you're having such a hard time with your 'forgiveness decision'. Underneath it all, you appear to feel like you were crazy for doing it... like you've had 'lunacy forced upon you'. I've thought about your post for a few days, and I've been at a loss as to what to tell you about 'why' some people make it and others don't. In your first thread, I recommended to you that you have a read of Dazed's old thread... and here just recently he's told us he's pulling the plug. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t127083/ And this quote from him put me in mind of what you told us about your wife: ...my wife, who has always had this tremendous ability to sweep things away and forget about them. See the similarities?... I did not realise this when I married her, but now realise that her overblown, hyper-emotional reaction to upsetting news is a symptom of that immaturity. The fact that she refuses to address this aspect of her character is something that causes me despair for the future. I've got a friend who stayed in it for two years past D-Day before she made the decision to divorce. And during that time, the thing that burnt her ass THE MOST... was that her husband couldn't give her a VALID REASON for why he did what he did. Not even counseling could pull a reason out of him. What he said most often was, "it was just there". So, I've been thinking for the last few days about examples of couples who make it and ones who don't. And I think maybe the difference comes down to whether or not the betrayed spouse buys the wayward's excuse or not. Now, we all know (at least cerebrally), that there are NO good reasons for cheating. But when we find ourselves betrayed the most pressing question to our minds is 'WHY?'. We search for the answer to that question with great persistence and attention to detail. We're most often obsessed with the answer, all the while knowing that no answer the wayward can give us will be good enough. But you know what?... When you spend some time thinking about why some couples make it and some don't, you begin to realize that 'yes, we are looking for a reason that will reassure us that the betrayal we've experienced will NEVER happen again'. Some of us get an answer that's good enough, that reassures us of our partner's ability to recover... and some don't. It becomes the difference between dealing with a "momentary lapse of reason" and a fatal flaw in our partner's character. You've said that your wife refuses to address this character defect. So, here you are.. with pockets EMPTY of the reassurance you need in order to believe she's actually learned from her mistakes and can prioritize her partner correctly, now and in the future. At the end of the day, I don't think it's so much about what she's done in the past as about what she's doing NOW. She can do the "stepford wife" thing all she wants, but if you don't believe she's developed the emotional maturity for full and equal partnership... well, it leaves you feeling like you're babysitting, doesn't it? If you want to make one last go of it, Wibble... I think she's going to have to address and defeat this flaw in her character. I think maybe this has become a 'make-it-or-break-it' EN for you. To be with a partner that you can respect and who you find deserving of your devotion, can be a deal-breaker on a person's list of ENs. Maybe it's become a deal-breaker for you???
Cobra_X30 Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 Thanks for the insight, Lostboy.... FWIW I don't think my wife has a mental illness, per se, she just finds it incredibly hard to make commitments, or even to reciprocate the commitment of others. Her way of "dealing" with things is to ignore them. She has always done it, and I was content that this was an adequate coping strategy, until I realised the emotional vulnerability that she suffered as a consequence. Without getting too Freudian, she has not yet truly "grown up" emotionally. I did not realise this when I married her, but now realise that her overblown, hyper-emotional reaction to upsetting news is a symptom of that immaturity. The fact that she refuses to address this aspect of her character is something that causes me despair for the future. Incidentally, the "Wibble" handle is, in fact, a homage to one of the funniest tv series ever screened - Blackadder Goes Forth - in which Captain Blackadder tries to impersonate madness (and avoid charging into german machine gun fire in WW1) by sticking a pair of underpants on his head, two pencils up his nose, and saying nothing but "Wibble". It has always struck me as a pretty good metaphor for enforced lunacy - the situation has forced you to behave in a way that, under other circumstances, you would have described as mad. Hope that clears it up! Walk away Wibble! Dont allow your children to go into this life thinking that this is what love is! How would you feel if it was your child living with a liar and betrayer? Wibble your story burns to my core ... get a lawyer... do it today! Anyone who says that your wife is even capable of love is full of crap. ARE YOU NOT YOU BETTER THAN THAT? Dont you deserve more? Dont your children deserve to grow up seeing what love is?
East of Jupiter Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 LadyJane ~ Thank you. I know your post was directed at Wibble, but I needed to hear it as well. You hit the nail on the head. Even after almost 8 years, I cannot accept the answer for why? He went to counseling I think a total of three times and all he could respond was that he had issues with his mother. Duh. Now I come to find out that he is lying by omission in order to avoid 'conflict.' Fair enough ut the conflict he speaks of is self-induced and invalid. So I am back to why? There is no answer other than selfish. Fair enough. Can you stop? Obviously not. Now, after all these years he tells me he has changed (how do I know?). He can do this. Say what? You mean I have to continue working on this marriage because you can't be honest? I'm at a loss. Again, he insists he is not the same person and internally he has changed. The thing is that he has always been the same at home. So whatever change he has done, is lost on me. The new violation of trust is not. I agree. It really depends on what the cheater does and how willing they are to examine their issues. Told DH that I am done working on the marriage. It's up to him. I am not going to run out today. He may have treated me like a fool, but a fool I am not. He says he is goinf to IC. That's up to him. I'm done schooling him. But it may just be too late. He has had more chances than a man deserves. I'm sorry Wiffle but I agree that so long as your wife shelves your feelings (which is what she is doing in effect), you won't be able to get past them.
reservoirdog1 Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 Wibble... I feel for you, man. I can't believe she'd actually try to put on a front that they were a "family" (her, the OM, and YOUR KIDS) when it was just a sordid affair. That's disgusting and pathetic of her. Even more so that some of your so-called friends actively participated in that charade. You're the only one who can decide if you want to stay with her, knowing what you know. Which doesn't make the decision any easier, I realize. However, if I'm reading you correctly, the ONLY reason you're staying married to her is because you don't want your kids screwed up as a result of a divorce. I commend you for putting your kids at the forefront. But, two things to consider. Firstly, children of divorced parents DON'T always get screwed up. That depends on how the parents deal with things. Secondly, there's just as strong an argument for your kids being screwed up by having to watch their parents go through a marriage that's devoid of love and affection. How are they supposed to learn to model successful relationship behaviour if all they have to base it on is their parents' disfunctional marriage? Finally -- and this DOES tie in with what's best for your kids -- it's your life too, and you have a right to be happy. You deserve to be with a partner who thinks the world of you, who shows you affection, love and respect. Seeing you in a GOOD relationship will benefit your kids greatly. I split from XW almost 4 years ago after she came clean about her years of serial cheating. The split was her instigation; I wanted to work on the marriage but she wanted out. In retrospect, however, I don't think I'd ever have been happy with her after that. I don't forget things easily, and I think if we'd stayed together I'd have been haunted by her past behaviour for the rest of my life. And fortunately, I've found a good relationship with a wonderful woman who's my biggest fan. XW's in a relationship with a guy my kids seem okay with, or in any event with whom XW seems happier than she ever did with me. My daughter still sometimes wishes we could be together but she seems to have accepted that it's never going to happen. And I'd much rather she and my son saw me in a happy relationship with my GF, than in a miserable one with XW. That, I think, will be much more valuable to them as they grow up.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 I am not afraid of divorce on my own account. In many ways I feel it is the only "just" outcome for such treatment, but I AM worried about the effects on my chidren. I am surrounded by divorced couples, many of whose children seem totally screwed up by the experience. I would offer you two pieces of advice - 1). Don't waste any more time. Looking back, my biggest regret is the 5 years I wasted in a fog trying to fix things after my W's affair. I knew we were done, just couldn't (wouldn't? didn't? shouldn't?) pull the trigger. 2). Don't be ruled by fear. Change, divorce, separation are all scary concepts. And still, the first time I truly felt alive (I know what you mean about the "dream-like" state) was when I made the decision to move on. It's nice to be driving the bus as opposed to riding in the back seat as it goes over a cliff . Your children can survive - and even prosper after - a divorce. You'll get much good advice here. Hope it helps... Mr, Lucky
East of Jupiter Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 I would offer you two pieces of advice - 1). Don't waste any more time. Looking back, my biggest regret is the 5 years I wasted in a fog trying to fix things after my W's affair. I knew we were done, just couldn't (wouldn't? didn't? shouldn't?) pull the trigger. 2). Don't be ruled by fear. Change, divorce, separation are all scary concepts. And still, the first time I truly felt alive (I know what you mean about the "dream-like" state) was when I made the decision to move on. It's nice to be driving the bus as opposed to riding in the back seat as it goes over a cliff . Your children can survive - and even prosper after - a divorce. You'll get much good advice here. Hope it helps... Mr, Lucky Not sure about Wibble but it helped me. Thank you. I am feeling better just entertaining the idea. I am not walking out the door ready. I need to get my ducks in a row. A car. A job. My own bank account. I'm giving myself six months. I can really see how I will feel better. I think the stress of my situation is making me sick. It's happened before. Thanks again Mr. Lucky.
JustBreathe Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 5 years out from d-day, I feel much the same way you do. We get along okay, don't argue or fight, and I have stayed because of the children also - I believe that for BS this excuse is a valid one, but for WS to say they are staying for the children is probably not true because if they cared anything about the children they would have considered their welfare prior to creating an adversarial relationship with their spouse. Their children are far, far from their minds when they are screwing someone behind their spouse's back. I used to love making love to him, no more. No passion. But now there are entire weeks when I cannot even touch him. The past 3 days I can't hardly stand to look at him - no reason - just the memories of how he used to treat me. He does all he can and is at last fully cognizent of how much damage he caused. He has had 2 yrs. therapy, is a much better father than he has ever been and his relationship with our boys is wonderful now and it keeps getting better. Maybe we are just that kind of people that see this as a deal breaker, the last straw, and so unacceptable we can't resolve it, can't live with it. If I do leave him, it will be within 2 years when my middle one is out of H.S. I know I will have tried my best and will not count the years I spent with him wasted. I am in no rush. I have plenty of time to collect stray cats and learn to paint with watercolors which is probably what I'll be doing for the rest of my life since remarriage is completely out of the question! Sounds good to me. It appears that you and I are at that ambivalent flat stage.. maybe the "acceptance" stage which is the last stage in the grieving process. Our path will soon become very clear. Do you feel like you cannot survive without her? Like you would not know what to do were she not there?
Author Wibble Posted August 22, 2007 Author Posted August 22, 2007 Thanks once again for the replies - and what a balanced and mature bunch you all are! I think you are preaching to the converted here. I realise that my marriage is irretrievably broken - as you said, Justbreathe - I have accepted the reality of my situation, but that doesn't make me want to tolerate it for a moment longer than I have to. So much has changed in my head in the last 2 years (how you have stuck it for 5 years I will never know!) that I am sure a path will open up eventually. As for surviving without her, well the truth is we live apart for a large part of the time already. My job takes me away from home for about 12 nights a month, and when I am at home I do all the domestic stuff (cooking for the kids, cleaning etc) while she is at work. It is all very humdrum and mundane. I literally do everything for myself anyway as she has never felt comforable doing anything "domestic" for me - she is happy to cater for the children, but ever since we were married, and I worked but she didn't, I have ironed my own shirts, done my own washing etc. This is not necessarily a criticism, it just gives you a flavour of her approach to partnership. It is true that I used to see her as my right arm - I could not imagine a future without her - and I was happy to have a relationship on her terms. I loved her so much that I would do anything in my power to please her. That made her betrayal so painful. Needless to say I do not feel that way about her now.
Trialbyfire Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 Looking at your job schedules, you might have an interesting recipe for joint custody of your children. Maybe two weeks with your spouse and two weeks with you. Food for thought.
JustBreathe Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 Wib.. again.. what you describe just so resonates with me. I also did all the housework, raised the boys, school functions, dr. appointments, you name it. I did everything while his Lordship warmed the couch... and I have always worked full-time so my evenings were very busy. I am a reformed doormat. I admit that I was not always a princess. I resented alot of this stuff and let him no it. But he didn't seem to care how much I resented it and still offered no assistance. Now, he finally pulls his weight around the house and with our boys. Why is it that they always wait until it's too late to finally correct their crummy behavior? I suspect your wife is not at the stage where she is willing to work on herself and it takes two people to repair a marriage torn apart by infidelity. She's not doing the work. I hope she wakes up and that she does so before it is too late for you, Wib. I agree with the poster that it takes 2 years to even get past what has happened enough to even begin to think clearly about what you want. Perhaps you are finally past that initial anger/disbelief/shock stage enough and you don't like what you're seeing? The numbness and fear is wearing off maybe. Hang in... the confusion and that "lost" feeling does fade somewhat over time.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 Not sure about Wibble but it helped me. Thank you. I am feeling better just entertaining the idea. I am not walking out the door ready. I need to get my ducks in a row. A car. A job. My own bank account. I'm giving myself six months. I can really see how I will feel better. I think the stress of my situation is making me sick. It's happened before. Thanks again Mr. Lucky. You're welcome . It feels good to have a plan, doesn't it? Here was the progression in my marriage - 1). Wife thought only about herself - her wants, her needs, her affair. 2). Affair discovered, I spend the next 5 years thinking about her - why she did it, what she did, what she was thinking about when she did it, etc. 3). Year 5, like a man waking from a coma, I started thinking about myself. What was I doing, what was I going to do, why was I doing it? I filed for divorce shortly thereafter. Like I said before, I don't regret the marriage, it's the 5 years squandered after the affair that I'd like to have back . Wibble, you might want to take a hard look your situation. I'd hate to see you spend the next 10 years walking around in a daze... Mr. Lucky
JustBreathe Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 ucky.. at the risk of jacking this thread, I want to say I understand so much what you went through!!!! It does indeed feel like waking up from a coma. Wibble, Lucky, the thing is I feel that when I leave I will be secure in the fact that I did everything I could to try to save it. I will then heal myself and move on completely free of anything having to do with him. When the heartache is over, and it won't take long, I will not miss him. I will not be looking over my shoulder wondering if I did the right thing. Lucky, I understand how you feel about having waited, but those years were NOT wasted years. I hope you will try not to let that go in your heart. You took your time and are at peace with your decision, even though you still hurt. IMO, hat is not a waste, Lucky. That is not bolting forward out of hurt and pain and wondering if you should have done it. It is an awakening that was long overdue. Don't you feel stronger now, Lucky? Don't you feel better about yourself? Would you have felt that way if you had just bolted?
SueBee3490 Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 I used to love making love to him, no more. No passion. But now there are entire weeks when I cannot even touch him. The past 3 days I can't hardly stand to look at him - no reason - just the memories of how he used to treat me. Maybe we are just that kind of people that see this as a deal breaker, the last straw, and so unacceptable we can't resolve it, can't live with it. This describes me also. It has been over 4 1/2 yrs since d-day and you do reach a sort of "acceptance" of what's happened and what you feel you need to do with your life. I have also accepted that his cheating was the deal-breaker for me. I can't live with a cheater who hurt me so badly. I went through the usual sitting on the fence, thinking I couldn't live with him then I couldn't live without him. I finally decided no matter how much I tried to pull that blanket over my eyes and maybe just try to get on and have a life with him, in all reality I couldn't. His cheating would always be there on my mind. So maybe you need to get on with your life without her.
East of Jupiter Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 You're welcome . It feels good to have a plan, doesn't it? Here was the progression in my marriage - 1). Wife thought only about herself - her wants, her needs, her affair. 2). Affair discovered, I spend the next 5 years thinking about her - why she did it, what she did, what she was thinking about when she did it, etc. 3). Year 5, like a man waking from a coma, I started thinking about myself. What was I doing, what was I going to do, why was I doing it? I filed for divorce shortly thereafter. Like I said before, I don't regret the marriage, it's the 5 years squandered after the affair that I'd like to have back . Wibble, you might want to take a hard look your situation. I'd hate to see you spend the next 10 years walking around in a daze... Mr. Lucky I'ts been a lot longer for me. 20 year marriage with four children. But I fuss about wasted years. At least not yet. But recently he lied again and it is as if somebody drew back the blinds and the sun is now shining on every single aspect of my marriage. I used to say what a wonderful marriage I had. Bullcrap! That's not possible when someone has chosen to lie and cheat repeatedly despite seeing your pain and anguish. I used to say he is a great guy with a problem. Bullcrap. A good guy does not do this to a woman he loves or risks his children's happy home. Clarity is a double edge sword. And I sit here still hoping that he will go to therapy and somehow buy himself a clue. He is getting a clue x 4 from me.
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