werty Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 OldEurope i have read ur posts about NC and its very encouraging.i liked reading it. i was wondering, if i follow what u did, and the situation is reversed, coz i am the OM, and she is MW (but they are not married,but stay together and with 9 month baby).its been really about 2 months since we really have talked,after she told me how much she loves me, and wants to be with me. and im taking this time as my NC thing, even if she txt me "hi", "how r u" or "missed u" the last few weeks, i never replied to any of them coz the last thing i asked from her was a really good talk, and she never gave it to me. i would really wanted to know what i can do, because i might be seeing her almost everyday when work starts sometime this week(she is my sobordinate actually,if she does come..) really want to know what i can do or expect... TY
frannie Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Have you made it clear what you want/need from her, and told her that unless that happens you will only respond to her if it's work-related? Also, I'd beware of NC etc. as a way of 'getting them to leave'... because I've seen precious little of that happening, despite OldEurope's experience. Remember that NC is for you, to protect you and help you distance yourself and/or move on. Not as a means of manipulation against the MM/MW.
Author werty Posted August 20, 2007 Author Posted August 20, 2007 we didnt have realy an official talk.just like what i have said, its like she just suddenly left.we get to bump into each other before, and the last one was on this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t125663/ Yes,im aware what NC brings and its not a way of getting them to leave as u have said. honestly im OK now.i really can live without her,not seeing her or get close to her.i can live with that.if it stays that way, then itll be over for me soon. and if ever she would leave that would be by her own decision and i hard can believe it will even come. but any day soon, we might rellly be seing each other at work.knowing that this is the only work she can have with regards to her standing,i think she will really come despite the things she has done to me(if even she was aware that she was hurting me).but im not prepared for it.i plan to stay cool and act normally but i dont know what to expect.she had that impulsive behavior that she just clings to you,and not say a word(of course this would be a lie,i mean how would i be something to her if she has no the corage to leave her old relationship shich she wont i guess) anyways just dont know what to expect and how to deal, incase this might happen
GreenEyedLady Posted August 20, 2007 Posted August 20, 2007 OldEurope i have read ur posts about NC and its very encouraging.i liked reading it. i was wondering, if i follow what u did, and the situation is reversed, coz i am the OM, and she is MW (but they are not married,but stay together and with 9 month baby).its been really about 2 months since we really have talked,after she told me how much she loves me, and wants to be with me. and im taking this time as my NC thing, even if she txt me "hi", "how r u" or "missed u" the last few weeks, i never replied to any of them coz the last thing i asked from her was a really good talk, and she never gave it to me. i would really wanted to know what i can do, because i might be seeing her almost everyday when work starts sometime this week(she is my sobordinate actually,if she does come..) really want to know what i can do or expect... TY Are you wanting to get back together with her? Does she know you're in NC? She might just think you've lost interest...
lovernotafighter Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 wow Old Europe being called out, sounds like old times cause some of us have done the same, she is most wise. I agree with Frannie NC is for you more than anything else, being at work is going to be hard but I think you should continue untill she askes what is going on and do not cave when you see her, good luck
Author werty Posted August 25, 2007 Author Posted August 25, 2007 OMG... im having a hard time thinking what to do now. when work started last tuesday, we were just passing by each other without saying a word (personal that is).. 1st day was ok. then 2nd day come. she has told a female friend about US and was asking for advice what to do. then this female friend told me what she said.that she has wanted me more that she has seen me.that she was really deeply inlove with me,and was willing to do anything to be with me blah blah blah. i ignore this abit. then nxt day came, she txt me "i want you back...". i ddnt reply.next day was silent.then last night was her breakdown.she txt me "im just saying HI, coz i miz u as a friend". i txt back is this what you really wanted? she said no.that she really wanted to be with me,to go live with me, but she was really afraid how she would be able to bring her child with her. i told her,if you are serious with this, where were you when i needed you? she replied,that it was her fault. everything was her fault.she knows what i felt,but she said she will change.but if i cant be able to forgive her,then we will really stop all.my last reply was we would talk about this in person. today came,we came a bit of a talk.she was stubborn today.dont wana talk.that what she said last night was it all,etc etc etc. then i told her ok if u dont wana talk,then theres nothing to talk about. then she came to me. she said sorry for all she did.she wanted me,she loved me she said..but she is just soo afraid that she might not be able to keep the baby with her. i told her that i still do love her, but if you wanna be with me, then u have to sacrifice your relationship with the baby's father and this time stand up on your decision.she said she knows what to do,she is asking for a chance. and indeed i give her the chance to prove that i was not wrong to have loved her. she sounded so desperate,but scared that she might not be able to bring the baby with her. this was the female friend told me coz they both have been talking these past days. this friend told me that she sounded so desperate taht she might commit suicide.duh. i dont know if i made the right decision to have given it a chance,though ill try not to really get close this time.just want things to flow.cant escape it since we see at work everyday.now my question is, how can i convice her that she will be able to keep the baby even if they breakup since they were never married anyways? i dont know if she is making this an excuse. ok just want opinions,comments, or suggestions.. how to deal this new situation.. duh..
frannie Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Well it sounds like she needs to get some practical help and advice, and probably some individual counselling? Personally, my advice would be to stay out of her life, because she sounds like there are just too many problems here. I think you are buying too much into her 'fears' of not being able to keep her own child (?), and wanting to save her..? Any of that ring true..? It also sounds somewhat manipulative of her to allow (or possibly ask?) her friend to let you know that she's feeling suicidal. If that's really true, again, she needs professional help, not an affair. JMHO.
Author werty Posted August 25, 2007 Author Posted August 25, 2007 well, i told her directly that u need to help yourself,stand up to her decision,stand up to what she really wants.she shouldnt be like asking for my help even if she is not directly saying this,it really does sound this was what she really wanted. well, she did say that she wanted to change and she doesnt want the things that happened before,happpen again to us.she knew her faults,and it hurts her to knew she really does love me. this is something i wanna see. but i really made it clear to her, that if she really is not happy with where she is now, then she should settle her current situation if she really does want to be with me. because i wanted her to be FREE to love,not just to love me but to love everything around her...if she cant do this this maybe i made a mistake loving her and i wont hesitate to turn my back and leave her.(i kniw i shouldnt have said something so bluntly like that) i was just kinda confused,and it has kept me thinking why she told our friend about US,when she wanted our relationship to be secret coz she was afraid that many will know since she is still with this other guy. she even confessed to our BOSS(actually he was more of a friend than a BOSS to me),that we had this relationship. i just dont really know what she is really upto now,after she was almost silent for about 2 months. Maybe seeing me happy with myself was too much to her? i just dont know,if i can trust her words now... i just really dont know
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Werty, with all due respect, she JUST had her boyfriend's baby. It's all of 2 months old and she's already talking about leaving and the possibility of NOT being able to take her child with her? I'm sorry, but what kind of a woman acts this way? Has someone's baby then starts plotting her escape and wondering IF she can take her newborn with her? Just yuck.
Author werty Posted September 3, 2007 Author Posted September 3, 2007 duh im tired now. at first she wants to get back.. she wants to make up for her mistakes,talks to a common female frend everything she hasnt told me,other than telling her how she wants me, luvs me, be with me,and wants to make up for her mistakes,and has a plan to set herself free so she can finally luv me... we did get back,with but now she's confused again. doesnt know what to do,doenst know if she can do waht she wants to do.wants to cool off but i said the hell.ur just playing, ur irresponsible. im tired. if u have plan, do it without me.coz i dont wana have anything to do with you anymore.
frannie Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 duh im tired now. at first she wants to get back.. she wants to make up for her mistakes,talks to a common female frend everything she hasnt told me,other than telling her how she wants me, luvs me, be with me,and wants to make up for her mistakes,and has a plan to set herself free so she can finally luv me... we did get back,with but now she's confused again. doesnt know what to do,doenst know if she can do waht she wants to do.wants to cool off but i said the hell.ur just playing, ur irresponsible. im tired. if u have plan, do it without me.coz i dont wana have anything to do with you anymore. werty, have you ever read threads by a poster here called BKRPM..? Your MW sounds very much the same as his. Always contacting him when she felt down, then as soon as he was interested, she was pulling away and ignoring him. Please use the Search facility and look up some of his threads, because he had quite a terrible experience with her, and there are lots of posts from people who tried to help him. Also, have you seen this post by LucreziaBorgia today: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1306690&postcount=79 "I did exactly what your MM did with various OM, and just like your MM when it was time for playtime to be over, I put them away and went home." I think that basically sums up how some married women can use single men to feed their own egos, 'playing' (as she puts it) with them and dropping them at will. Makes interesting reading.
Author werty Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 just wana ask. since the breakup, i have been avoiding her at her.. meaning i work on times that it was not her duty.. since there are two shifts, and i placed her to work on the 1st shift,i myself put myself at work at the 2nd shift. this leaves her alone on her shift and if problems arise, doesnt even wana tell me until she tells my other sobordinate at the 2nd shift.. also was i right, to not accept it as a cool-off, or can we just freinds for now, i nid time thingie and just consider it a "WE CAN NEVER BE" thing since she is very impulsive and undecisive? i would have been healed already if she hasnt work for me again and asked for that 2nd chance coz she knew what she did wrong and would want to change.. tsk
frannie Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 just wana ask. since the breakup, i have been avoiding her at her.. meaning i work on times that it was not her duty.. since there are two shifts, and i placed her to work on the 1st shift,i myself put myself at work at the 2nd shift. this leaves her alone on her shift and if problems arise, doesnt even wana tell me until she tells my other sobordinate at the 2nd shift.. also was i right, to not accept it as a cool-off, or can we just freinds for now, i nid time thingie and just consider it a "WE CAN NEVER BE" thing since she is very impulsive and undecisive? i would have been healed already if she hasnt work for me again and asked for that 2nd chance coz she knew what she did wrong and would want to change.. tsk Yes, I think you were right to read things that way. i.e. she's too impulsive and indecisive, wants you when she wants you (and when you pull away), and isn't respecting your need to get over this. That's why I pointed you in the direction of BKRPM's posts, because his MW kept doing exactly the same as yours... and it went on and on and on and on... because he let it.
Author werty Posted September 9, 2007 Author Posted September 9, 2007 yeah, but maybe i looked too deep into our relationship, thinking that this was different, and quite easy than others, since my xMW is really not married and all aspects points to her favor if she really wanted to leave. i was thinking that maybe this was worth the wait.. but i dont know.
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 She may not be married with a piece of paper, but she is common-law and in the eyes of the law, that's married. Also, a child involved makes them a family. I wouldn't wait around. Live your life, and if in the future things end with her commonlaw husband, THEN maybe consider dating her, but until then, try your best to let her go..
BubblesKittyShed Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 She may not be married with a piece of paper, but she is common-law and in the eyes of the law, that's married. Also, a child involved makes them a family. I wouldn't wait around. Live your life, and if in the future things end with her commonlaw husband, THEN maybe consider dating her, but until then, try your best to let her go.. Why would anyone want to let go of a good thing?
Author werty Posted September 10, 2007 Author Posted September 10, 2007 @becoz being together right now, might just not be possible... she may love me,YES, she may want to be with me, YES, she may be happier being with me,YES.. but until she does do something to make this happen, it just cant be. i have been putting this into my mind,but im just afraid of her sometimes, coz she breakdown,talks about our relationship,and how she explains the way she loves me even for a little etc etc etc. thats the reason i broke of a semi-NC(i started nt seeing her for about a week) and try to talk to her but it turned out to be a mess. because i was still attached to her and knowing that i still cant have her. that was just yesterday. but when things settled down,she said that she doesnt wana fight with me anymore.and that she cant do anything for me with regards to our relationship and it was best that we have stopped this, so she can work and settle her problems.until then, she cant make me happy,she says. im goin full no NC from now,il stay away from her duty sched,hope she wont call.
frannie Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 im goin full no NC from now,il stay away from her duty sched,hope she wont call. I think that's the best thing, because she needs time to think and you need your own time too. Good luck.
Author werty Posted September 14, 2007 Author Posted September 14, 2007 whats this now? NC already making an impact on her? shes been txting me, about prblems at shop(but i know she is making this up) so i can talk to her. then later, she text me to pls call her etc.i ddnt. and then she is telling me she wanted to resign. i said on YM, ok if thats what you want.we are goin to reorganize anyway. we made a short conversation.all about that she wanted to leave so my wish to not see her forever will be fulfilled,that she wanted me to find the right girl for me, and because i was not seeing her anymore at work blahblahblah. ive jst said, this was what u wanted, u wanted time. and besides wether its ur decision or ur just forced to be, u are staying where u feel is comfortable.that its just unfair to me that im close to you, but ur mind is somewhere else... then she shutdown YM. and text me, to continue our conversation by txting if i wanted too. could i just possibly tell her, that if you cant make a final decision on what you really want, i dont want to talk or see you or get involved with you anymore?
frannie Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 whats this now? NC already making an impact on her? shes been txting me, about prblems at shop(but i know she is making this up) so i can talk to her. then later, she text me to pls call her etc.i ddnt. and then she is telling me she wanted to resign. i said on YM, ok if thats what you want.we are goin to reorganize anyway. we made a short conversation.all about that she wanted to leave so my wish to not see her forever will be fulfilled,that she wanted me to find the right girl for me, and because i was not seeing her anymore at work blahblahblah. ive jst said, this was what u wanted, u wanted time. and besides wether its ur decision or ur just forced to be, u are staying where u feel is comfortable.that its just unfair to me that im close to you, but ur mind is somewhere else... then she shutdown YM. and text me, to continue our conversation by txting if i wanted too. could i just possibly tell her, that if you cant make a final decision on what you really want, i dont want to talk or see you or get involved with you anymore? Yes, I thought that is what you had already told her..? NC is no good if she keeps breaking it to talk about you getting another girlfriend or whatever. You need to tell her that you don't want to hear from her unless she's left (or whatever). In the meantime, you can block her on YM and on your phone, so she doesn't keep striking up these conversations. She will just keep doing it as long as you keep responding to her.
whichwayisup Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 could i just possibly tell her, that if you cant make a final decision on what you really want, i dont want to talk or see you or get involved with you anymore? Now this is like a bandaid situation. Do it fast. Yes, you just tell her "You aren't leaving your husband, I can't be the OM anymore at all. Nothing. We are not part of eachothers lives at all. Please do not contact me and I mean this, so respect my wishes." Then, block her YM, TM, phone, email.
Author werty Posted September 15, 2007 Author Posted September 15, 2007 there, ive talked to her on the phone and overall told her that until she decides to leave her relationship, we should not be talking, in txt or ym, or even seeing each other. if ever that day does arrive, thats the time that we should think about this and talk.she just asnwered me like "if ever we could still talk". i dont know what means. she also said she was sorry.that she just missed me thats why she "brokedown" again and said things like that. i said thats my decision,i hope you will respect it. i tried to ask her, you what have u decided, she said she doesnt know, but said that she doesnt wanna bother me again, thats why she ddnt call today. last words i said to her was to take care and just be happy... part of me feels sorry for her. part of me is afraid of what she might do... i cant shake the feeling she may do something bad,coz i knw she ddnt expect me to be physically not available too.. but i will just pray, that she will be fine...i jst know she will...
frannie Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 part of me feels sorry for her. part of me is afraid of what she might do... i cant shake the feeling she may do something bad,coz i knw she ddnt expect me to be physically not available too.. but i will just pray, that she will be fine...i jst know she will... The thing is, werty, and I know this sounds hard and everything, but it's really not your problem. I know you care a lot for her, but she's probably using you as a bandaid to her marriage and someone she can rely on when she feels low. I KNOW that you want to help her, but what kind of life is that for you..? It's fine for her, to have you there to talk to, but would she ever leave him..? You know I have a friend who has been involved with a MW for 8 years now. He feels sorry for his MW too... wants her to have a happy life, thinks she's throwing away her life on him (her H)... spends time and so much money on her hoping she'll see what a waste her life is... ... but it's actually him who is wasting his life, being there for her while she'll never leave.
overandout Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 The thing is, werty, and I know this sounds hard and everything, but it's really not your problem. I know you care a lot for her, but she's probably using you as a bandaid to her marriage and someone she can rely on when she feels low. I KNOW that you want to help her, but what kind of life is that for you..? It's fine for her, to have you there to talk to, but would she ever leave him..? You know I have a friend who has been involved with a MW for 8 years now. He feels sorry for his MW too... wants her to have a happy life, thinks she's throwing away her life on him (her H)... spends time and so much money on her hoping she'll see what a waste her life is... ... but it's actually him who is wasting his life, being there for her while she'll never leave. But why is your friend throwing his life away? You and he seem to be in very similar dead end relationships but you don't consider you are throwing your life away.
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