Miss B Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 It's happening. I've been "fighting" off a married man, who I am enormously attracted to, for months now. I don't want a husband. I don't want a daddy for my daughter (she has a daddy - and he's a good one). I have no illusions that he will ever leave his wife - and frankly, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want him forever. Having said this... What advice can you give for someone who is about to go there...I want to establish an appropriate pattern of behavior for this relationship and avoid some of those mistakes that experienced OW wish that they had avoided early on. BTW, I LOVED the manifesto. MM and I have already discussed some of these issues!!! Also, can you tell me, truly, is it worth it? I've been divorced for about 48 hours (totally unrelated to MM) and haven't had sex in over 2 years. Would you recommend that I run screaming from this whole scenario and just try getting laid, first? Lay it on me...
simplegirl Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 RUN!!! Don't walk! I met my MM the day my divorce was final and I was in the same thought pattern as you. Now 3 years later, here I am still with the MM. Now there are feelings involved and it is a nasty ride. Your whole first paragraph was me 3 years ago. I lived that way too for a long time but it changes after a while. The pain and hurt that everyone involved will experience is not worth getting laid. There are plenty of men out there for that and they are single!
Cliche Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 What advice can you give for someone who is about to go there Don't. ...I want to establish an appropriate pattern of behavior for this relationship and avoid some of those mistakes that experienced OW wish that they had avoided early on. Biggest mistake--thinking that you won't get so emotionally involved and fall so deeply in love that you won't get crushed. We all have. Also, can you tell me, truly, is it worth it? Geez, this is a tough one. I don't know that I can answer it. The sex and companionship are not worth the emotional pain, but in my case, there are some other really great benefits to my R with MM, and I can't say I wish I never would have fallen for this man. He makes me believe in love again, and, for me, that was worth the emotional pain. Would you recommend that I run screaming from this whole scenario and just try getting laid, first? Lay it on me... Believe me, if it's just getting laid you want, I know for a fact there are many single men more than willing to step up to the plate.
whichwayisup Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Date a single guy and let that single guy be your FWB. Leave the MM alone, even if he is trying to get into your pants...It's not fair to his wife and children - And yes, I know that you are not the one 'cheating' on his wife and children, but you ARE helping him cheat on them. Say no, as much as you're tempted - JUST SAY NO. There are TONS of single men who want just sex, no committment and fun. Leave the married folks alone.
Lizzie60 Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Also, can you tell me, truly, is it worth it? It can be worth it IF and ONLY IF: - you don't fall head over heels for him... (very important) - you keep your independance (you can date other guys if you want to) - if all you want is sex with him.
Trialbyfire Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 I've been divorced for about 48 hours (totally unrelated to MM) and haven't had sex in over 2 years. Which puts you at your most vulnerable and predators can sense that vulnerability. Would you recommend that I run screaming from this whole scenario and just try getting laid, first? Yes, I highly recommend you avoid this for your own sake and the sake of the MMs family. Go find yourself a nice single guy to enjoy a bowl(s) of wheaties with.
lonelybird Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Most likely your life style of being an OW will effect your daughter and her self-esteem, in a negative way. She may grow up just fit into that pattern, and she will doubt what you are doing when she grow up. You want to be a woman who steal part of another woman's man? some anger wifes can be so scary
norajane Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 So you are just getting out of one bad marriage, and want to get involved in someone's else's bad marriage? BTW, I LOVED the manifesto. MM and I have already discussed some of these issues!!!Don't kid yourself. There's a reason someone wrote that manifesto, and it's because those issues get painful over time, as you get deeper and deeper into the affair. And don't kid yourself that you won't develop feelings if you see this MM regularly. And then you'll find yourself back here, only then it will be in pain because he's not going to give you what you're looking for. This really is a vulnerable time for you. Don't let anyone, like this MM, take advantage of you like this.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Know your place, and keep your expectations low. The less of a threat you pose to his marriage and status quo the better.
Trialbyfire Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 I'm curious about one thing. Why did your marriage end, if you don't mind sharing this information? It may be pertinent or not.
Mino Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Also, can you tell me, truly, is it worth it? It can be worth it IF and ONLY IF: - you don't fall head over heels for him... (very important) - you keep your independance (you can date other guys if you want to) - if all you want is sex with him. HI LIZZIE< Glad your back, I missed you!!!
Mino Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Hi, Dont fool yourself!!! I too thought that this would only be a one- night thing, then came the second, the third, I had my emotions in check, so I thought. ( months later) hhmmm feelings were there. 3 years into it, hopless and painfully in love. Never in a million years would I believe that I would allow myself to fall. So my advice is DON"T, cause the chances of you falling in love with Mr. wrong is pretty damn good.
Yamaha Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Why is it that women think they can have a sexual relationship with a married man and believe they won't become involved? You don't want a daddy for your daughter so you think this married guy is the answer to your sexual frustration. Do you think all single guys are looking to become your H? You have the control on who you date and if he becomes attached then you break it off. By thinking the MM is safe you are fooling yourself.
Woggle Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 A year from now we will be hearing about how she is head over heals with her MM and how she can get him to leave his wife. I am no psychic but these stories write themselves.
Meaplus3 Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 It's happening. I've been "fighting" off a married man, who I am enormously attracted to, for months now. I don't want a husband. I don't want a daddy for my daughter (she has a daddy - and he's a good one). I have no illusions that he will ever leave his wife - and frankly, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want him forever. Having said this... What advice can you give for someone who is about to go there...I want to establish an appropriate pattern of behavior for this relationship and avoid some of those mistakes that experienced OW wish that they had avoided early on. BTW, I LOVED the manifesto. MM and I have already discussed some of these issues!!! Also, can you tell me, truly, is it worth it? I've been divorced for about 48 hours (totally unrelated to MM) and haven't had sex in over 2 years. Would you recommend that I run screaming from this whole scenario and just try getting laid, first? Lay it on me... So let me get this straight. You just got out of an bad marriage and now you want to complicate your life even more by getting involved with a MM? Sorry to say but you will make a huge mistake if you further this! Since your now divorced focus on healing from that before you get involoved again with anyone. When you do he SHOULD be Single not some other's woman's husband! Run Like H**** from this MM. AP:)
Hurt & Alone Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 NOt to long ago I was in your shoes. Attracted to a married man whom I thought I could get involved with and not have any strings attached. I was not looking for a daddy for my child, I was completly independant and loved everything he said that made me feel alive again. Feelings do get involved though, and this in turn causes alot of pain especially when he will not leave the wife. IMO speak with the MM and ask him how his W feels about having an open relationship, if she is Ok with it and you have heard it from her then I say no problem, but I dont think you will hear this so, leave the situation alone. Save yourself the pain and agony that comes along with an A. Save your dignity and self worth. No MM is worth the feelings that you will have later when all is said and done. Another possible situation that you need to ponder is, what happens when the BS finds out about the A, her reactions and possibly the outcome of her rage.
RealityCheck Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Also, can you tell me, truly, is it worth it? I've been divorced for about 48 hours (totally unrelated to MM) and haven't had sex in over 2 years. Would you recommend that I run screaming from this whole scenario and just try getting laid, first?Lay it on me... If getting laid is what you need, there are plenty of single men out there looking for the same thing! At this point you don't need to go run screaming, you can simply walk the other way. Your pretty vunerable right now, and to say that you won't get emotionally attached is not realistic.
frannie Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 I would say that while you don't want a relationship or commitment now (understandably), that in time, despite what you think now, you WILL. And the man you'll have spent all that time with..? MM..? He will be the one you're longing for, in love with... and unable to get. I can completely understand why you want regular sex/companionship without commitment right now, but getting involved with a MM is the worst possible way to achieve that. I got involved with my MM for pretty similar reasons (didn't want a 'real' relationship at the time, and thought he was 'safe' because married...) BIG, BIG mistake. And this is coming from an OW (me lol) who is pretty happy with the situation now. Now... after three years of struggle, pain, distress, depression and misery. Being a happy OW is NOT easy. Not by a long, long way.
Author Miss B Posted August 19, 2007 Author Posted August 19, 2007 This is not at all what I expected! I expected lots of tips and bits of info on HOW to manage the situation - not a bunch of advice to simply avoid it! I'm certainly not disappointed, I'm just intrigued that very few OW would say that it is a good idea to get involved! Thanks so much for all of your recommendations, you've all given me so much to consider! First, and foremost, it appears that the most important first step is to go have a little bit of "fun" with a single guy and see if that's douses some of the desire for the MM! I've seriously wondered if that was the best action to take, anyways... Thanks!
Author Miss B Posted August 19, 2007 Author Posted August 19, 2007 I'm curious about one thing. Why did your marriage end, if you don't mind sharing this information? It may be pertinent or not. Lot's of reasons, I married my drinking buddy and he kept drinking, he's a very mean and angry drunk, he can't keep a job, he thinks that sex should be quick and perfuntory and when I do not climax in his same 27 seconds (including foreplay) that I have a sexual issue, he thought that the grass would be greener, the list goes on. Truly, the dissolution of my marriage doesn't have anything directly to do with this, however I am very conscious of this new awareness that most marriages are shams, but people stay married rather than deal with the drama of divorce and lose 1/2 their money. So, I fully admit that I'm jaded right now.
OpenBook Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 most marriages are shams, but people stay married rather than deal with the drama of divorce and lose 1/2 their money. At this point, I completely agree with you on this. My advice on your MM: Do him, and then dump him. Seriously -- when a woman "gives it up" (sexually) to a man - ANY man - she loses something in the transaction. (Power maybe? respect from the man?) The challenge is over for him (Mission Accomplished) and he becomes less interested, or starts pulling some really disrespectful/bad behavior on you. So don't "give it up" for a lo-o-o-o-ng lo-o-o-o-ng time... and gauge the reaction from men who've expressed interest. I wager they'll treat you a lot better than they would if you had slept with them.
Woggle Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 This thread is like bitter woman central. Ladies don't date married men unless you want to become bitter like this. Sure he may seem attractive at first but this is what it turns a woman into.
pricillia Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Miss B. Everyone, Man or Woman needs love and intamacy, for me personally having that physical connection with a person that I love means so much. It seems that in your marriage based on what you have said, the excitement and the intamacy involved with passion was lacking, when you are with someone you love, you two should truly enjoy eachother and anything else (for me) is just a waste of time. I am a OW and I feel as if ( although there have been ups and downs) I have found someone that I am crazy about. I did not know that he was a MM in the beginning. If you are looking for somone to be with it truly does not have to be a MM, however I do agree with TF saying that this MM is preying on your vulnerability, they sense it a mile away. For me sex is such an intimate thing, attachment is sure to follow, so eventually you will get attached, after all we are all human. Why not take some time to get to know yourself after your divorce and re-group maybe 6 months or so, get stronger emotionaly, then see how you feel about dating a MM.
child_of_isis Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 I think just the fact that you are even considering dating a MM speaks volumes. Even more so going in with your eyes wide open. Work on yourself first. Become what you need, and you will eventually attract someone who is good for you. No one loses half of their money in a divorce. Marital assets are divided. Which is as it should be. No one owns ALL in a marriage. It ALL belongs to 2 people. HALF is all that belongs to the other in the first place. The only thing that can be lost monetary wise, is the HALF that belongs to the other partner. Lot's of reasons, I married my drinking buddy and he kept drinking, he's a very mean and angry drunk, he can't keep a job, he thinks that sex should be quick and perfuntory and when I do not climax in his same 27 seconds (including foreplay) that I have a sexual issue, he thought that the grass would be greener, the list goes on. Truly, the dissolution of my marriage doesn't have anything directly to do with this, however I am very conscious of this new awareness that most marriages are shams, but people stay married rather than deal with the drama of divorce and lose 1/2 their money. So, I fully admit that I'm jaded right now.
justice Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Listen to the OW's here who speak from experience. Run, don't walk, away from someone who is married, you just uncomplicated your life by divorcing from an unhappy marriage, it will only get more complicated and possibly nasty if you become involved with an mm, even if it is only supposed to be a one time thing. If the wife finds out you will be hung out to dry. Think of your child/children, would they be proud of their mom for behavior like what you are contemplating?
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