alexa137 Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 well my ex logged on and like me a dummy has to say something first i waited like 10 mins-i just couldnt wait-so i asked why he hasnt called for 3 days and basically really hurt my feelings-he said that he cant do what weve been doing anymore which i really dont know what that means other than he moved out 3 weeks ago and weve only talked on the phone almost everyday(for few mins only) and instant messaging and had sex 3 times since my miscarriage-and that he didnt want to talk about it now-he said hes not seeing anyone else and that he doesnt know he just wants to be alone and kept asking me to stop. i told him how much i missed him and alot of other things i probably shouldnt have! i asked him if he was sure he didnt want anything to do with me and if he wanted me to leave him alone and he said "for now" and when hes ready he will be but not now- i told him that please soon i cant wait the hurt is unbearable-that i needed him but he just said stip, i gotta go and talk to you sometime and that was it--- oh but that does hurt so much to hear that from the one who loved me for 1 1/2 years! i really feel sometimes i cant go on and cry all the time when will it stop?!
WhiteKnight Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Well I have to say that seems quite odd that you want to stay in touch with you ex. Harsh as it sounds, I think you have pushed your ex a little too far, or he is feeling that he has been pushed too far. I dunno - seems complicated. Judging from what you have written, its like he wants to stay away from you and want nothing to do with you anymore. That is very painful. Alexa137, I have a strange feeling that after you have asked your ex the questions that I just read. Like for instance... Quote - "...i asked him if he was sure he didnt want anything to do with me and if he wanted me to leave him alone and he said "for now" and when hes ready he will be but not now- i told him that please soon i cant wait the hurt is unbearable-that i needed him but he just said stip..." What this means to me is that pretty much your ex has decided in a sense that he wants to keep his distance from you "for now..." but the reason I am saying is that it sounds like he either does not want anything to do with you and is trying to let go of you. However it could also mean that he wants what is best for you and him to go in separate ways but remain as two good friends in the near future. I think he is trying to save a friendship with you. My ex was purely like that to me, she wanted me around as either 'a close friend' or 'sexual partner' but it hurted me so much that I had to get rid of my pain. Because I wanted to stay away and keep my own distance. So I quickly tried to find someone else, when I did... it broke my ex's heart to bits. She was trying to play me for a fool but I have beaten her. However the relationship was very long too and I am still managing to get over the past quite well, but the first 8 months was a total pain in the neck and frustration. I could not get over her. Although Alexa137, I have to say this is going to be quite tough for you to handle this. I sympathise with you. It is quite painful that your ex all of a sudden had stopped associating with you, you have to find someone who cares about you and don't fall into a new relationship straight away until you have cleared your own emotions about your ex. To get over it, you need to find someone new who would care, love and most importantly help you get over it. Your ex is hurting that he wants to stop socialising with you like before, having sex after or before the relationship ended would not heal the wounds. Everything takes time to heal and rebuild a wounded relationship and hopefully improve the friendship later on. If worse came to worse, if he purely ends the friendship with you by either changing his contact details and not telling you. Its even the most worst thing that you could even expect from him. However your ex has not cut all ties yet, he needs space. Let him have his own space, and you should move on. Don't worry, your friendship with your ex might work out in the end but more or less you have to understand that forcing yourself and your ex to heal through all the mutual intimacy and long term relationship does not happen within a month, it takes awhile. Time heals the wounded love between two people.
Author alexa137 Posted August 19, 2007 Author Posted August 19, 2007 i guess i do bcause he was my first "real love" first guy ive lived with, first guy who told me he loved me everyday and showed it and meant it and first guy who gave me 2 diamond rings and asked me to marry him! also that i was pregnant b y him and just had a miscarriage-its hard to lose a baby and your man the same week! i dont know what hes trying to do-i mean weve gone through something like this before where he moved out need to think and time and all that but this time its diffrent--we talked everyday-now he doesnt want to call or nothing--what makes it even harder is that his dad which he is very close to lives accross the street from me and he is there 80% of the day everyday! so i see our jeep 3-4 times a day! i find myself writing letters and poems to him constantly i guess wishing and hoping he understands i need him and dont want to lose what we had-maybe hes trying to move on maybe hes just seeing how long he can go without talking to me or even sex! which i assume will be hard for him bcause for the past 1 1/2 years we had sex everyday(2-3 times sometimes,even when we didnt live together--that is where our bond and connection is the strongest--and ive never had that feeling with a guy before maybe bcause i wasnt this close to anyone i was looking and thinking about past encounters with other men and it just doesnt turn me on-i can say that this one was the best lover i ever had! and i did things with him ive never done before! i dont want to go backwards and i dont want to move forwards right now-i was single 6 yrs before i met him so maybe i will single again for many years i just cry all day everyday and stay home just want it to stop soon
WhiteKnight Posted August 20, 2007 Posted August 20, 2007 I'm very sorry to hear that mate. Having a *first love* is always very hard to deal with, I remember how I fell all apart when my first ex left me and chose not to be friends anymore. She just left me behind in complete ruins, I know I was trying to resolve the friendship part but that did not work out so I gave up. She tried to contact me to help her with something but since I was over that part about her leaving me, I just gave her the finger and did not say a single word about helping her. I stayed silent, it was the best thing I could ever do. Like all relationships they are completely quite intimate, depending how much sexual romance that you have and a combination of other things that had brought you together. However even so this could not be worked out entirely because sex is a special thing that brings the bond together although not everyone has sex in their relationship, some were close but nothing about getting into someone's pants as they treat marriage as a sex special moment for forming a family. So he was your first guy and asked you to marry him? Woah I have to say that was quite a huge commitment there. However there is a slight problem after the part about 'miscarriage' and losing the child, also the quick sudden marriage thing. It sounded like your ex was ready to give in and become the man of your life but after losing that child really devastated him and caused him to have second thoughts. Also with the rushing into marriage, it would of also caused him to back off as well. Also, it sounded like to me that you either did try to stop him from changing his mind by leaving you but you left it too late to resolve or your ex could not bare the pain and was so heart broken that he acted like a jerk by leaving you since he could not handle the pressure of losing such a sacred child (I dunno if this was true or not but I'm going with the assumption here). That's very bad and I understand how you felt about him gone as well in the same week or close to that period of time. Its quite tough on you as the father of your ex lives nearby and can see you once in awhile. So I can imagine that it would be tough to deal with, but the best thing I would advise at this point is act neutral and act like nothing happened and walk tall. Go with the fact that you will not be beaten down by this depression and say to yourself "I will get over this and I will succeed in life... I will not let this depression get over me." You have to fight on, if you give into your depression it would eventually stop you from moving onto someone new. Also I was in that situation sometimes before hand, what I did to overcome it is to accept that I am single but move on and never look back in the past. I sometimes do look in the past but all I see is grief, pain and an ongoing bad image of myself being with my ex. Also a part of me does wish that the friendship would work out truly in the end, however I guess time will tell. Sorry to say that if my exes were to see my post right now, they would feel neglected or rejected or even worse, being dumped and left behind. To tell ya the truth, if I was to move on completely I have to leave that past behind even if it hurts because the pain that you embrace is that you want to experience the best love and romance that you will be far greater than you possibly imagine, thus we evolve later on as we progress with new partners later down the track until we find one which we think is right for us. Believe me when I say this, I know that each and every person here around this community deserves someone better and I also have good faith in that they we will all find the right person in the end. Just takes time, build up on your courage my friend and don't let the depression get the best of you. You can achieve many great things after you get over the hump. To get over the crying issue, stop thinking about how bad the relationship ended up and how bad it turned out to be for your ex to keep your distance. He's hurting, your hurting but seek additional support like counsellors and perhaps other friends as well. You will slowly recover in the end. If you value your ex a lot, he seems like he wants to be your friend eventually so let him be your friend. Focus on yourself and don't cry anymore, you are not alone. You could rant on about him to other people to get the depression off your chest and perhaps distract yourself with other things. Just don't stay all bottled up inside mate, you will achieve great things by accepting that it did not work out but understand one thing that you want to experience a good time in your life. You had that moment with you ex, but until you will find the right person, you will find more happiness there.
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