Lishy Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 I really love my boyfriend. We have been together for over a year now and I love him to bits BUT ............. I dont see us as being 'forever'. I dont see me marrying him or even living with him. I would be happy to remain as we are and at times I wonder why I stay with him as I know he is not my soul mate. Is it wrong to stay with him when I cant see us lasting forever?
Author Lishy Posted August 18, 2007 Author Posted August 18, 2007 The thought of NOT being with him terrifies me, I am pretty confused!
Author Lishy Posted August 18, 2007 Author Posted August 18, 2007 Don't waste his time. So should I only be with someone I see as forever? To be honest I know he loves me too but I dont think he sees me as forever either. We haven't discussed it. Am I wasting his time? Am I wasting my time? We have both been burnt by previous relationships
Capricciosa Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 All depends on how old you both are. And for the record, nothing lasts forever. As for being terrified, not a good reason to hold onto someone. In fact, it is downright selfish.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 So should I only be with someone I see as forever? To be honest I know he loves me too but I dont think he sees me as forever either. We haven't discussed it. Am I wasting his time? Am I wasting my time? We have both been burnt by previous relationships First, Why is he good for now but not forever? Thats the big question you have to answer. Otherwise... you ARE wasting each others time... Its really that simple. You should really talk to him about how you feel!
Author Lishy Posted August 18, 2007 Author Posted August 18, 2007 When I think of him I know I love him alot. (I am 36 he is 38) When I am with him I love being with him (unless he is aggravating me) He has alot of baggage and that gets on my nerves at times yet I have enough baggage myself I think I am just selfish and set in my ways. I also think I like my own space too much and it frightens me then thought of him living in my space. I also get the terrors at the thought of not being with him, because I love him! How can I love him and not want to marry him or live with him? Is that normal?
BlueEyedSarah Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 Maybe you are just not ready to think about anything more with the relationship? Just enjoy it while it lasts. How long have you both been together?
Author Lishy Posted August 18, 2007 Author Posted August 18, 2007 I was thinking that I should just enjoy it and not worry about where it is going. The point of this thread was to ask if that is wrong?
garnet Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 I think it would only be wrong if he sees you guys as forever and doesn't realize that you don't see it that way. I'm curious though, what is it about the relationship that you don't see you guys as "soulmates" and/or being together long term?
Author Lishy Posted August 19, 2007 Author Posted August 19, 2007 I think it would only be wrong if he sees you guys as forever and doesn't realize that you don't see it that way. I'm curious though, what is it about the relationship that you don't see you guys as "soulmates" and/or being together long term? Garnet I dont want to be harrible about him as he is such a lovely person. He is lovely to me but there are just things about him that I can put up with whilst we are not living together, but I know I couldnt put up with them if I WAS living with him and seeing more of him.
yankees123 Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 hey lishy...before I reply to your thread I want to thank you for replying to mine. It really means a lot. Now about your relationship, If you are absolutely certain that you don't want to spend the rest of your life with the guy your with, I would tell him as soon as possible. He may really think you want to be with him forever and it wouldn't be fair to him to think his life is going in that direction when it doesn't have a fighting chance. You can tell him you'd like to see other people and experience what else is out there because of your doubts. Then in the future you never know if your paths will meet, maybe you'll even decide that he's the one you wanted to be with all along. Just make sure that you def want to do this otherwise you might lose him forever.
Author Lishy Posted August 19, 2007 Author Posted August 19, 2007 Hi Yankee's and you are welcome hon! I have never pretended I wanted to be with him forever and I have told him I like things as they are and that I wouldnt want us to live together. He is cool with this and feels the same I guess. I just wondered if it is morally right? I am not out to use him or hurt him, I love this man alot and I dont want to see other men or him to see other women. I just dont wanna get married or move in together!
oppath Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 You can tell him you'd like to see other people and experience what else is out there because of your doubts. NO!!!!! Don't say this to a guy. If you have doubts that you aren't right for each other for a longer commitment, and you feel that you are unlikely for your feelings to change in the future, that is reason enough to break up with someone and that should be the reasons you use. Leave dating other people out of it. It's very insulting for someone to say "I want to see what else is out there." If you don't feel you are right for each other, that is the reason to breakup. The desire to date other people is a cruel reason, and if it exists, to me it means you held onto the relationship for too long anyway and it should have ended before you had that desire. Also, if you tell this to someone, he'll assume someone else is already in the picture. As for your problem...is there anything else going on in your life at the moment? Work stress, etc? Can you illuminate some of his quirks that would make living with him impossible? Does he know those things bother you and is there any chance they could be corrected? You've only been together a little over a year, so if you aren't ready to move towards marriage right now and have a hard time envisioning a lifetime with him, that is ok, it doesn't mean you have to throw away the relationship, unless he is feeling very strongly that you are the person he wants to marry and he wants to start moving in that direction soon. If you are around the same point in your feelings, you don't have to abandon anything. If you lag far behind him, however, and he wants more in the near future, then yes, breaking up is the compassionate thing to do.
Author Lishy Posted August 19, 2007 Author Posted August 19, 2007 The things that I could not put up with are not things he can change. I would not want to date others and I dont feel like I want to finish with him, I just feel like I would not want to live with him or get married and can never envisage it in the future ( but I guess feelings can change) I think I need to just chill and not worry about the future. If I start to feel unhappy and feel like I need something that he cant offer then I need to look at it further
itslife Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 ya thats the same thing with me and my ex i loved her and everything but like i lost the love for her and there was no spark so we ended up breakin up...but im not tellin you to just dont think about the future you might end up staying with him...but since you are you are feeling unconfident about the future
VIP Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 I think many of us dream about Mr.Right and a perfect love. But we love those who are not perfect and there is no other love.
johan Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 I don't know what the right answer is for Lishy, because I don't know what her guy's expectations are. But it is exactly this kind of thing that has me staying out of relationships. Secret doubts and inability to commit. You only find out the truth about how they didn't feel after you've spent years with them. And then the pressure from the doubts and insecurity causes the relationship to burst and deflate, and you end up walking away from the useless pieces.
Lizzie60 Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 So should I only be with someone I see as forever? To be honest I know he loves me too but I dont think he sees me as forever either. We haven't discussed it. Am I wasting his time? Am I wasting my time? We have both been burnt by previous relationships No, you're not wasting his time and you're not wasting yours. Not all relationships has to lead to the 'forever till death do us part'...sorry but some people date for years and years... it's better to date for years than get married and get a divorce a few years later. Don't feel guilty... go with the flow... enjoy yourself, life is too short. You said it yourself: To be honest I know he loves me too but I dont think he sees me as forever either. We haven't discussed it. So just leave it.. why bring something up when it's not necessary to do so. Why not wait for him to bring it up...why is it your responsibility? I say go with the flow, just enjoy your time with him...I'm sure you got the best relationship anyone can dream of... you're both happy...why question this now???? I just don't get it!
Author Lishy Posted August 19, 2007 Author Posted August 19, 2007 Thanks to everyone for your replies! I do still have a spark with him, I definately fancy him still and he does everything he should be doing, ie: calling alot still, tells me how lovely I am, how lucky he is and I tell him these things back. My son adores him and vice versa. My family love him. He is there for me MOST of the time when I need him (sometimes he is a typical man lol) I just dont want to live with him and that worries me because at some point this will get mentioned if things keep on as they are. Can we carry on as we are indefinately? Are things not meant to progress in a relationship or it dies?
VIP Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Most probably he will bring it up and then you will have to make a decision.
BlueEyedSarah Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Thanks to everyone for your replies! I do still have a spark with him, I definately fancy him still and he does everything he should be doing, ie: calling alot still, tells me how lovely I am, how lucky he is and I tell him these things back. My son adores him and vice versa. My family love him. He is there for me MOST of the time when I need him (sometimes he is a typical man lol) I just dont want to live with him and that worries me because at some point this will get mentioned if things keep on as they are. Can we carry on as we are indefinately? Are things not meant to progress in a relationship or it dies? Are you sure your just not ready for that stage yet? If he asks you can just say your not ready. My sister and her boyfriend have been going together for 11 years, 12 years this year and they have not moved in together yet. They are thinking it but they are taking the relationship steady. There is no time frame to be moving in together with someone. Go at your own pace.
Art_Critic Posted August 20, 2007 Posted August 20, 2007 Are you still legally married to your ex ? If you are then that is why you feel this way.. how can you move on to those feelings when you truly can't even give him marriage ? I would suggest you get divorced so you can move on.. then your BF may very well take a different view to you... Oh.. and if you have gotten a divorce then ignore my post and give yourself more time...
dropdeadlegs Posted August 20, 2007 Posted August 20, 2007 I've been with my BF for almost three years and we don't live together or plan to marry. We do, however, feel a "forever" connection and will probably live together soon. There just isn't any big hurry to do so, even though there is sort of a plan in place that doesn't involve a set time frame. There are some particulars that have to fall into place. I don't think there is anything morally wrong in remaining with him, unless he has been very clear that he is seriously looking for a wife. I do recall you mentioning that he had asked you to marry him a few months ago. You would know better than I if marriage is important to him at this time If it is something he needs, I would be clear that you are not ready, or even looking for, that type of commitment, and also don't know when, or if, you ever will be. Then it is his decision to stay or go. Just enjoying someone's company might be enough for him right now, and he may wonder if you are expecting some sort of "next level" from him, too. If he doesn't speak of things like that, I think I would just leave it alone.
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