Newly married and just discovered my husband has a gold Adult Friend Finder account..

[lostboy60645]

Yeah, I have an "addictive personality". And I also solicited people for sex on AFF while married.

 

I hate to say it, but before I married, I compulsively used porn to masturbate and my obsession eventually escalated to the regular use of prostitutes about thrice weekly over the course of a year.

 

Following 'finding my faith', I stepped away from the 'bottom line' of prostitutes and met my current wife, who's about to divorce me for going back to the bottom line ten years later.

 

Unfortunately, without treatment, the compulsive sexual behavior never goes away. In me it escalated--that is until I got into a multifaceted recovery program. Currently I'm being treated for alcoholism, compulsive overeating, compulsive spending, and the compulsive sexual behavior. (besides that, I'm fine!).

 

To date, I have not masturbated, looked at porn or had sex with anyone in over a year--since 5/21/06. I've also been sober from any alcohol consumption since then. But, I've lost a lot. My wife filed for divorce several months back after kicking me out of the house and restricting my access to the children once I fully disclosed my dubious, untrustworthy behavior.

 

You may want to read my blog to see what my wife was up against. I'd also encourage you to see a counselor with a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) either alone or with your husband to help get to the bottom of the issues.

 

Good Luck

 

Lostboy60645

http://www.livingsobriety.blogspot.com

[Trialbyfire]

That was just it.

 

We never had a real discussion about it, nothing like the last time with AFF. It never bothered me nor did I understand how/why it was hurting her. We talked for 3 hrs and I agreed to find help to do something about it.

 

This was after the breakup unfortuneately, it breaks my heart when she says "I wish u did somethign about it sooner". It never registered to me as to what level I was hurting her

Then why did you hide it from her?

[Lizzie60]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm quite possibly overreacting, but I was using my husband's laptop yesterday while he was at work (my computer crashed) and went looking for a page online that I had lost. I looked in his history and saw that he had visited Adult Friend Finder earlier yesterday. Out of curiosity (and because I thought he might have been checking out cute naked pics of gals, which I don't mind), I clicked on the page.

 

To my dismay I found he had a fully paid account (gold membership -$150) which he had purchased earlier in the year. His profile lists him as "married" and looking for a one night encounter/discreet relationship, and he has his photo online.

 

Not only does he value honesty more than anything else (he says he could never lie to me), but he's been going on about how weve been having the best sex of his life (certainly true for me) since we got married in April of this year. We've been married just on 4 months, he says he is rapt that I'm here and always says he's incredibly happy.

 

I'm always up for spicing up our sex life (I'm bisexual and have told him I'd be up for a 3some if the situation arose) and I was interested to see he wrote that he "never wants to have boring sex" on his profile.

We've been together for nearly 4 years (only in the same place at the same time for 2 1/2 of them!) and I finally moved to the US from Australia to be with him/get married this year.

 

I looked through his profile - he hasn't contacted anyone in the past 30 days but has been doing searches.

 

I was shocked when I saw his profile, so I probably did the immature/wrong thing by starting up my own profile and contacting him for a "possible one night adventure." I sent him some pics of a sexy gal with a great asss (I'm

cute but have a flat ass - something I know he wishes I did!) and suggested we meet up.

 

So should I talk to him before he responds in a possible way that I don't want (i.e. responding to my "fake" profile) or should I organise to meet with him and turn up at the arranged time and it be me??

 

Any suggestions/advice would be greatly appreciated!!

 

Many thanks

 

Sorry to be blunt...but noone will pay a membership just to browse... come on now... there are tons of free sites for that.

 

Truth is ...he's looking for someone on the side.

 

His profile lists him as "married" and looking for a one night encounter/discreet relationship, and he has his photo online.

 

This is exactly what he's looking for... it's not someone else's profile with HIS picture on it.. geezz!

 

he says he could never lie to me

 

I heard that before... many many times...

 

Your great sex life has nothing to do with the fact that he's looking for someone else...I've had sex with guys who swore they had a great sex life with their wife.

 

So if you want to 'play' him, go ahead with your fake profile... I did that once with a MM about 2 years ago... he swore I was his only OW... I caught him... I met him for coffee...he thought he was meeting someone else... that was funny... and not too long after I lost interest... because I can't stand when they lie to me (they have no reason to)... and he is still emailing me every week... and still asking me to get together..

 

So they are always on the 'go' looking, Internet makes it sooo easy... and I wouldn't doubt if he has profiles on other sites.

 

[Kipp]

I say spice it up. Remember the song Pinacaloda, there you go. You've already given him the green light to cheat when you agreed to a 3 some so relax and live it up. Trust me he is a true man in love with you but he will cheat if you don't spice it up. I envy his situation. Good luck and keep me posted.

[East of Jupiter]

Capri,

 

I am torn up inside at the same time I know I cant change the past(no matter how i wish too), I can and am working on making my present and future better.

 

According to all the little tests I'm not a sex addict. It never cost me a job, school or grades, or interfered with my life, but even a little bit cost me the love of a very wonderful person in my life. So regardless there was an issue there.

 

Thanks for believing in me(most just rip the people who made mistakes), I want to be the person I once was or better.

 

I have searched a while trying to figure out my husband (great guy/cruel guy). Often, I would see bits and pieces of him in places but he never quite fit anything so I stopped trying. I don't know why I did not consider that everything can be found in degrees. But I could never have gotten here then. It has taken me a very long time to see him clearly and it took him lying again for me to understand what has been obvious all along.

 

Here is where I found my husband in black and white:

 

In Sheep's Clothing: Covert-Aggression[sIZE=2]Psychopaths in Sheep's Clothing

 

By George K. Simon

[/sIZE]

 

http://www.womansavers.com/relationship-articles.asp?a=112

 

There is another article there about emotional abuse. That hit home as well. He does not fit either to a T but that may be because he is still in denial about himself.

 

I would never think of my husband as a psychopath nor an abuser. But there he was.

 

I copied what I found and sent it to him to read. His response was breath taking and it made feel better. Not in the my marriage is saved feel better, in the I don't have to live this way better.

 

He is, devestated. So what? He can't manipulate me anymore. He says he is going to counseling. He needs to. He hates himself. He hates who he is. He hates that he has destroyed the thing he wanted most in life -- his family. He hates that he has not been thinking about me or his children whom he adores (without a doubt) but always about himself. He hates how self-centered and selfish he is.

 

I can't feel sorry for him. This only plays into his manipulation.

 

<sigh> It may be too late.

[East of Jupiter]

I meant to say that in what I have read, they suggest you get some hard facts in hand before you confront a cheater. In my own experience, I strongly believe it is necessary.

 

If your man has cheated on you in the past and he is now, only months after marriage, searching friends for sexual fun, you are not dealing with a guy who made a stupid mistake ...

 

"it was an accident"

 

"Let me get this straight. You were walking down the street when suddenly, you tripped and your d*ck landed in my wife's vagina?"

 

If he is a manipulator (as all chronic cheaters are), you will need proof on your side that he cannot refute.

 

I would also, do more digging and investigating.

 

If you find nothing, you can go on happily in your marriage. If on the other hand, your insticts are correct, you need to face your situation before it gets worse or he gives you an STD.

[Capricciosa]

Yeah, I have an "addictive personality". And I also solicited people for sex on AFF while married.

 

I hate to say it, but before I married, I compulsively used porn to masturbate and my obsession eventually escalated to the regular use of prostitutes about thrice weekly over the course of a year.

 

 

Has anyone seen the film I Am a Sex Addict http://www.iamasexaddictthemovie.com/

It's insightful, funny and sad--for everyone involved. I think it lays out the progression quite well and honestly. The message board on the site with reactions to the film are also very good.

[cybertofu]

Hello again everyone,

 

Well I decided to do some snooping... I thought I'd check his email account - he told me the password ages ago - to see if he had read the "fake girl" profile, which he hasn't.

 

However I found something else. He has had previous memberships to JewishFriendFinder.com and Truebeginnings.com (no longer current) and has obviously been contacted by people through there. In his "sent" items folder he has written to several women about meeting up, but the actual messages from them have been deleted. His jewishfriendfinder account says that he was after "something short term" (obviously because I was coming to the States to live with him in April this year).

 

Uugh... I feel utterly violated and completely naeive. Thank you all again for your comments & suggestions, particularly the more blunt ones (they hurt the most but I think are the most useful unfortunately!).

 

I'm still going to wait for his reply to my "fake profile" (I'll keep checking his mail discreetly to see if he has read my msg), but I don't think I can last for very long to be truthful. I really don't know how he's going to ever gain my trust again

 

Ironic how he always mocks others for posting to a personal ad... in fact every Wednesday we read Dan Savage's syndicated love/sex advice column (Savage Love) and he laughs at the problems people have and the personal ads that are placed on the next page. He's probably been reading them out of interest all along. *sigh*

 

I'll keep you all posted and thanks again...

[cybertofu]

Oh and just a clarification... we agreed that we absolutely wouldn't sleep with anyone else, but if the opportunity arose and I instigated it (that was key), we would be open to threesomes. We often have fun checking out girls together but I always make it clear that if anyone else becomes involved, I'll be the one to encourage it.

 

He however, told me "well if that doesn't eventuate I'm cool with that - I'd be happy to just f*ck you for the rest of my life."

 

Apparently not. Hmm...

[Mr. Lucky]

He however, told me "well if that doesn't eventuate I'm cool with that - I'd be happy to just f*ck you for the rest of my life."

He is keeping his word in one sense - you are getting f*cked

 

There are some guys (some of whom post here) that can exist in both the relationship (BF/fiance/H) world and the "player" world at the same time, without feeling (at least consciously) that they're doing something wrong. They need both - the home fires burning and the excitement of new conquests. Your guy seems to be one of those...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Capricciosa]

sorry to hear all that cybertofu. that really sucks. i've been there, and it really was quite shattering for me. i tried to keep it to myself, but it just made me angrier and angrier, until it really blew up. not a person i will ever trust again. and trust for new people is really quite precarious now. so maybe that means i have a bias, but i don't really know how people get over such breaches of trust.

[East of Jupiter]

I encourage you to read up on any articles on catching a cheater. A guy having an affair with a woman he cares for may get sloppy. A guy who is methodically going about the business of meeting women for sex is not going to make it easy on you.

 

----------------------------------------------------------

 

I'm still going to wait for his reply to my "fake profile" (I'll keep checking his mail discreetly to see if he has read my msg), but I don't think I can last for very long to be truthful. I really don't know how he's going to ever gain my trust again

 

Ironic how he always mocks others for posting to a personal ad... in fact every Wednesday we read Dan Savage's syndicated love/sex advice column (Savage Love) and he laughs at the problems people have and the personal ads that are placed on the next page. He's probably been reading them out of interest all along. *sigh*

 

-------------------------------------------

 

Believe it or not, this can also be a red flag. My husband just wrote me how he had become the one thing he hated the most ... a liar and cheat.

 

Do keep us posted!

[lostboy60645]

I'm sorry to hear about that CT.

 

I guess once the truth is in the light, you will either be on the road to the best relationship possible with you H, or, my own experience says that you'll be on your way to learning how to heal yourself and G-dwilling move onto the healthiest, happiest, most honest relationship one can have.

 

Best to you all

 

lostboy60645

http://www.livingsobriety.blogspot.com

[jmargel]

I know to view the profiles on AFF you need to be a member. If he has money and $150 isn't much for him then I would imagine he would just go for that amount and not have to worry about future payments.

 

However with any sort of swinging the biggest thing among them is honesty. If you talk to any experienced swingers (http://www.swinglifestyle.com) you will read on those forums that even if they are in the middle of having sex with someone, if the one partner says stop or uses the 'code word' then it all ends. No questions asked.

 

The problems arise when disrespect and dishonesty enters which is probably hurting you more than anything else. You need to go with your gut instinct here. Before letting him know what you know, look at his cell records, keep an eye on his email (every day) and think back about any times that he could not account for his whereabouts.

 

When you let him know that you know this he will tell you that he was doing this with the both of you in mind. You can't assume that he's physically cheated on you just because of the site but what it can tell you is that he's being deceitful by having this membership without your knowledge.

 

Trust me, you don't want to be in a marriage where you have to play detective. I was in that position and it's an awful feeling.

[Cad Rake]

what a tough situation. The guy's obviously a player and a cheater. And if it stops now it'll start again elsewhere. I can't see anything good coming from this marriage unfortunately unless you can somehow live with all this.

[Reckless]

May I ask are you a "mail order bride"? you mention 'coming to the country' to marry, are you economically dependent on your husband? Do you risk being deported if you leave?

 

I ask the above, because you seem to have a leopard and as a few posters here are saying its going to take some dramatic steps even to get his attention yet alone make him REALLY consider the need to change his spots.

 

He is a "player" and as such sees no reason why he cannot keep his wife happy at home (because he does love her) and continue (no doubt in the family tradition) of having a mistress/lovers/one-nights whenever the need grabs him.

 

As someone (I think it was Trail) said, if you confront him too early, he sweet talks you into overlooking what you've seen ("players" have a godlike abilities of persuasion - think Bill Clinton) and he will then simply move deeper undergrown (change accounts, seperate phone bill, "business dinners", covering his trail so well you'll need a PI to find anything at all ....)

 

If you have enough evidence AND (here's the problem) are REALLY ready to end the marriage and show him by moving towards the door - he will be shocked to learn that he could loose this woman unless he reevaluates what marriage actually means and hopefully (personally I doubt it but you know him better than we do) really come up to bat.

 

A lot of the blame for breakup falls to the silent partners who swallow and ignore for years until resentment and bitterness means they cannot stand it at which time they pack their bags.

 

Gather enough evidence now so you will not to be poo-pooed by him; Pack your bags, put them by the door, print out what you have, call a taxi, arrange where to stay then confront him. Hopefully this will be enough to make him not go underground but REALLY change his ways.

 

Other than that you could play Hilary to his Bill and let sleeping Lewenskys lie....

[cybertofu]

Hey all,

 

Just a quick update... I spoke with my husband last night (he had read the "fake profile" message but hadn't responded). I started by showing him the Adult Friend Finder page that I discovered, said I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and just wanted to know what it was about.

 

The conversation went something like this:

 

"Oh that?" he said sheepishly, "That's nothing really - just a site I use for porn."

"Well why are you listed as you, with your photo, real details and a listing that says you're looking for a one night or discreet affair? I trust you but am kinda upset..."

"Oh that's from ages ago... like months ago - I only check it once every so often to look at hot naked chicks from the Ukraine"

"Okay that's cool... I saw the search results in your history. But you've also got a search history saved for local girls."

"Yeah I hate fake porn - I like to see real girls"

"That's cool - I don't mind about that, but why not search for girls in New York or Michigan?"

"I guess the closer they are makes it more real. And I guess I like to know what's out there."

"Well dude I really don't approve of this... have you contacted any of them?"

" No I just see it as a porn site."

" So you never hooked up with any of them?"

" Not at all"

" Is there anything... anything else you have to tell me about? No other sites?"

"Not at all... and I'll delete my profile if you like."

" Yes sure but what about these?"

 

I proceeded to show him my computer with the passion.com, jewishfriendfinder, true.com and spiceoflife.com accounts. He responded by saying that he hadn't really looked at them since he started them (because they were more personals sites than porn ones), and forgot they existed.

I asked him about the emails that were in his sent box from earlier this year to random girls... one was from a girl who contacted him from Russia (she was supposedly coming here and apparently wanted money so he never got back to her) and another who he said was "unbelievably hot" so he had to contact her. Nothing came of either of them apparently.

 

I started to get really upset and pressed him as to why he had done this. He didn't think it was a big deal and had totally forgotten his motivation for joining. When I told him I'd started an account and had been seeing that he'd been logging in every day or so, he said when he was contacted by "that hot girl" he wanted to find a way to tell me and see if I'd be up for joining in.

 

 

[FONT=Verdana]I asked him to close the account and showed him some of the responses from you helpful folks here at Loveshack.org. He said maybe yes it was an issue and he couldn't promise he'd never do it again, though he'd try. He said he had no idea that it would anger/upset me and actually had the gaul to presume I had my own accounts/'profiles on other sites. "It would've been neat if we'd found each others' profiles!"

Hmm. I told him this was completely unacceptable and if we weren't married and if I hadn't moved my entire life for him, this would very well be a dealbreaker for me.[/FONT]

 

[FONT=Verdana]I asked him whether he was missing out on something in this relationship, because I don't think in a healthy relationship there's a need to look elsewhere if you're getting what you need. He says he finds me attractive and that's not the issue. Hmm.[/FONT]

 

[FONT=Verdana]We argued/cried/discussed the facts for sometime and he ended up saying "well I think you're right... I don't know if I can control my so called serial cheating," and proceeded to start booking me a one-way ticket to Australia nex[/FONT]t Thursday. I stopped him and said I wanted to work this out...

 

I'm still really upset however and don't know how I can trust him again. I'm especially disappointed in his lame answers, and the fact that he didn't consider having a "married but looking" profile on a website an deception. He said if he were in my position he wouldn't trust him again, and things I should leave, even though he doesn't want me to. We're spending 4 days together as of Saturday. I really do want to work this out but don't know how to trust him again... interestingly he wasn't pissy at all about me checking his emails.

 

I'm really wondering whether to give up on it all... will I have to live with possible deception for ever if I stay?

 

I guess what hurts most is the fact that he always says he could never lie to me, and is all about truth and honesty in a relationship. The Adult Friend Finder account, and then him not telling me about the other emails and accounts when I gave him the opportunity to, make me question really what I know about his whole character.

 

 

Thanks again for all your advice and support... I do appreciate it

 

 

P.S. I'm from Australia and definitely not a "mail order bride!" Lol!! We met a few years back travelling in Asia.

[Lizzie60]

He's good.. a typical 'good liar'

 

What got me is this:

 

He said he had no idea that it would anger/upset me and actually had the gaul to presume I had my own accounts/'profiles on other sites. "It would've been neat if we'd found each others' profiles!"

 

Oh yeaaaahhhh.. he had no idea.. how weird... funny that he didn't tell you about it BEFORE... since he doesn't lie and is sooo opened... but only once he's been caught.

 

Oh well... if your 10 year old would come up with lies like that I bet you wouldn't believe one word... LOL

 

Cheaters are good liars and manipulators when they need to.

[whichwayisup]

He needs counselling. This online behaviour of his is out of control. Maybe it's some new fetish, or he's just addicted to chatting and looking for girls...Doesn't mean he'll hook up with any of them, but it's still just as damaging because there is intent involved.

 

He KNOWS what he's done is wrong, he just isn't thinking about you, or the effect it has on the marriage, your relationship with him....In his mind, it's ALL about him and what HE wants.

 

He said he'll 'try' to stop. He can't stop, he can't help himself! I wouldn't trust him until he gets one on one counselling and realizes he has an addiction.

[Capricciosa]

[FONT=Verdana]We argued/cried/discussed the facts for sometime and he ended up saying "well I think you're right... I don't know if I can control my so called serial cheating," and proceeded to start booking me a one-way ticket to Australia nex[/FONT]t Thursday. I stopped him and said I wanted to work this out...

 

 

This is worrisome. He really turned the tables on you, threatened to send you back where you came from if you were going to be a pain about his habits (doesn't sound like love to me) and told you an important truth about himself. Not that he wants to change, but doesn't know if he will be able to control himself in the future. How can you work things out with a dishonest person who is ready to end it all the minute he is caught? Good luck, cybertofu. You shall need it. I just posted in a thread on LDR that we never really know who we're getting if we fall for an idealized person from a distance. Now you know who you got.

[East of Jupiter]

"When someone tells you something about themselves, believe them."

 

He told you he doesn't believe he can stop his cheating.

 

He told you that you should get on a plane and go home.

 

And you want to work this out? I'm not sure how. He does not appear to be regretful. Quite the opposite.

 

Knowing what I know now about manipulative, lying cheating types, I would run as fast as I could. You deserve better and please work throug this before you two have children.

[V6TransAM]

This is all too familiar to me.

 

If he refuses to recognize it for what it is and how it is hurting you, then you are going to be wasting your time.

 

It is absolutely correct that when people do this(least some of them like myself) do it when things are going badly in life or relationship, and we dont do it thinking I'm hurting her/him/whomever.

 

My remorse came when it all finally sunk in and how bad I ruined what was once a beautiful thing. It took me losing it all to even recognize the fact that I was hurting someone I loved and I might have some problems. I dont know if I can ever repair it again.

 

If he refuses help/counciling/whatever, then he truly doesnt care or maybe he is still in the "denial" of the whole thing. Try talking to him again and see if u can get his eyes to open. It didnt work for me the first couple of times either.

 

I'm embarassed to say it, but it took me a long time before I realized what I was doing to someone else, ironically if her and I never had that conversation I prolly wouldnt have bothered trying to find SLAA and being serious about fixing myself first.

[4whatItsWorth]

and proceeded to start booking me a one-way ticket to Australia next thursday

 

THAT is a HUUUUUUUUUGE red flag!! I think he was either:

 

A) Showing you what he really wanted. For you to just leave so that he can go on looking at online porn all his life.

B) Knowing you'd response with "No no no let's work this out!" - now if it doesn't he can say "I tried to let you go - you CHOOSE to stay".

 

That was incredibly insensitive. If he wanted to work on it - why wasn't he the one asking for you to forgive him? Instead, he says "oh I dunno if I can give it up".

 

I'd say leave. You deserve a guy who's willing to admit a problem and himself WANT to work on them. You need a guy who only books tickets to come see YOU, not send you away ASAP things get "rocky".

[bish]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm quite possibly overreacting, but I was using my husband's laptop yesterday while he was at work (my computer crashed) and went looking for a page online that I had lost. I looked in his history and saw that he had visited Adult Friend Finder earlier yesterday. Out of curiosity (and because I thought he might have been checking out cute naked pics of gals, which I don't mind), I clicked on the page.

 

To my dismay I found he had a fully paid account (gold membership -$150) which he had purchased earlier in the year. His profile lists him as "married" and looking for a one night encounter/discreet relationship, and he has his photo online.

 

I normally would say, that if you just married the guy and found out he has this kind of account...to divorce him right away...get an anullment. Because if he has this kind of account, its for one purpose and one only, and it isn't simply to just look at pics of other women.

 

But since you said you are up for 3somes, then there is nothing for you to complain about.

[chimuffin]

He doesn't want to change....he made that clear..so you have one of two choices to make yourself. Stay with him and accept that he will cheat on you. Maybe pick up a few STD's along the way as well and also...please dont have kids with this man. 2nd- LEAVE...which is what i would do. that is of course after i cuts his balls off.