Jump to content

Newly married and just discovered my husband has a gold Adult Friend Finder account..

cybertofu

By cybertofu
in Infidelity

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

cybertofu New Member

cybertofu

Posted
Posted

Hey everyone,

 

I'm quite possibly overreacting, but I was using my husband's laptop yesterday while he was at work (my computer crashed) and went looking for a page online that I had lost. I looked in his history and saw that he had visited Adult Friend Finder earlier yesterday. Out of curiosity (and because I thought he might have been checking out cute naked pics of gals, which I don't mind), I clicked on the page.

 

To my dismay I found he had a fully paid account (gold membership -$150) which he had purchased earlier in the year. His profile lists him as "married" and looking for a one night encounter/discreet relationship, and he has his photo online.

 

Not only does he value honesty more than anything else (he says he could never lie to me), but he's been going on about how weve been having the best sex of his life (certainly true for me) since we got married in April of this year. We've been married just on 4 months, he says he is rapt that I'm here and always says he's incredibly happy.

 

I'm always up for spicing up our sex life (I'm bisexual and have told him I'd be up for a 3some if the situation arose) and I was interested to see he wrote that he "never wants to have boring sex" on his profile.

We've been together for nearly 4 years (only in the same place at the same time for 2 1/2 of them!) and I finally moved to the US from Australia to be with him/get married this year.

 

I looked through his profile - he hasn't contacted anyone in the past 30 days but has been doing searches.

 

I was shocked when I saw his profile, so I probably did the immature/wrong thing by starting up my own profile and contacting him for a "possible one night adventure." I sent him some pics of a sexy gal with a great asss (I'm

cute but have a flat ass - something I know he wishes I did!) and suggested we meet up.

 

So should I talk to him before he responds in a possible way that I don't want (i.e. responding to my "fake" profile) or should I organise to meet with him and turn up at the arranged time and it be me??

 

Any suggestions/advice would be greatly appreciated!! :)

 

Many thanks

  • Author
cybertofu New Member

cybertofu

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I guess I should also add that he has cheated on me before (just kissing when he was drunk) when we were living in seperate countries. I completely forgave him for it, though I was very upset and appreciated the way he told me immediately afterwards. He has always prided himself on his honesty (he says he couldn't lie to me), so I'm really confused as to what this is all about.

 

Please help! Thanks :)

LucreziaBorgia Established Member

LucreziaBorgia

Posted
Posted

Perhaps he is looking for someone to have a threesome with you? Even if he isn't I'm sure that is the "explanation" you will get. I know if I were in his shoes, and could sweet talk you in order to get away with things like he is doing, then I would use that excuse myself... I can hear it now... "But baby, I'm doing this for US..."

 

It would be interesting to see where he goes with your fake profile girl. I would fly under the radar and bait him and see what comes of it. Be prepared though, for something you don't want to see. Men don't tend to speak too kindly of their spouses when they are trolling for strange (unless he is legitimately looking for a threesome partner, but if he was he would have involved you from the beginning...) Keep it going long enough for him to dig a really deep hole. When he is at the bottom, and you have finally had enough - set up a meeting and then meet him there.

 

He has likely cheated on you more times and to a greater extent than you are willing to admit to yourself. Perhaps this little adventure will open your eyes to that, and you can begin decide what to do next.

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

Posted
Posted

Firstly, I would state to him that you would be upset if he ever practiced infidelity without your knowledge.

 

I would also keep up the act to see how far he's willing to go and be at a predetermined meeting time and place, but not show myself. Make sure that when you're baiting him, let him know you don't do threesomes, to see if he continues pursuit or interest. If he continues to bite and arranges a meeting, you've caught him with no excuses.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted

 

So should I talk to him before he responds in a possible way that I don't want (i.e. responding to my "fake" profile) or should I organise to meet with him and turn up at the arranged time and it be me??

 

Any suggestions/advice would be greatly appreciated!! :)

 

Many thanks

Reminds me of the old "Pina Colada" song from the 70's/80's where the guy puts an ad in the personals, gets the reponses that match his dream gal and meets up with the respondent only to find out it's his GF. Somehow, in the song she never asks why he was placing the ad in the first place :eek: .

 

I think you should go through with the charade. Certainly be interesting to see his reaction, might tell you a lot...

 

Mr. Lucky

Capricciosa Established Member

Capricciosa

Posted
Posted

CyberTofu, your situation is truly difficult, but I am against keeping up the charade, even though it would make a good story. I might be inclined to just sit him down and tell him you found this account, and expect not an explanation, but for it to be deleted immediately. How can you trust him, I wonder. Maybe the kiss was innocent, but this is not.

 

For the record, my last bf, who lived with me, was carrying on all sorts of cyber-flirtations and cyber-sex with women, and our relationship just got worse and worse until it exploded. He was really setting himself up for his next conquest. The deviousness of it got to me, not to mention the lying, the disrespect, and the realization that this was what he was like. I could not trust him afterwards. Luckily we were not married. It hurt a lot though.

 

Be brave--confront him. Make sure you're not with a cheater for life.

Sweet Surrender New Member

Sweet Surrender

Posted
Posted

you also shouldn't be surprised if you find him on this type of site again. Or, like my husband, once found out, goes to a different medium.

 

You are probably a beautiful woman, and you may be right that you two have the best sexlife imaginable.However, when a man who has all that finds himself on these kind of sites, with fully paid accounts, we are talking sex addiction...perhaps in it's infancy. But it won't get any better. And certainly you pleasing with himto stop ...or yelling, or threatening won't change anything. He needs counselling now. You may think that is extreme, however, you are not the only person with a husband who is doing the exact same thing. Some wives find out and leave.Some chose to ignore (out of sight, out of mind). Or you can be understand, yet firm, and say you will help him by seeing he gets some help. Unless he isn't worth the effort. It will be a battle, because now that you know he is dishonest, you will always be checking on him.

 

BTW...my husband of 20 years is the quintessential "good" boy, great son, no. 1 employee - all around sweet heart....unfortunately, his "dark side" is macho.He looks for women who are the ages of our own daughters! He is into alot. Yet, it all started innocently enough with a fully paidmembership to a adult friend finder. You husband sounds like aq person who is strugglingto be seen as the really nice guy that he is...but all people have a dark side....even if it is a teeny-weeny, innocent one....or a full blown destructive one.

JamesM Established Member

JamesM

Posted
Posted
Firstly, I would state to him that you would be upset if he ever practiced infidelity without your knowledge.

 

I would also keep up the act to see how far he's willing to go and be at a predetermined meeting time and place, but not show myself. Make sure that when you're baiting him, let him know you don't do threesomes, to see if he continues pursuit or interest. If he continues to bite and arranges a meeting, you've caught him with no excuses.

 

 

I agree with this and I am a guy...probably obvious. :rolleyes:

 

He cannot say you entrapped him if he emails you back. But I would suggest that you let him be the one to make any moves or flirtations. Otherwise, he can say that you did entrap him. Do not email him again if he does not respond to you.

 

If he does email you back, let him make suggestions as to meeting and sex. Let him make flirty comments.

 

I am sorry to hear of this, but it may be as suggested. He may want a threesome, but I doubt that because if he wanted you involved, he would have told you of this account. If he wants another girl for a threesome, I think he would want you to approve of the woman he picked.

SoHotZanzibar Established Member

SoHotZanzibar

Posted
Posted

Is $150 not much money to you?

For some people that is a heft sum, and if it is for you it shows how serious he is.

 

Are you sure it's his account? Its possible he got a password from someone else and is just 'browsing'.

 

While I am not one to endorse sneakyness, such as making your own profile and see if he bites, you might as well follow through with it.

 

I hope you keep us updated.

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

Posted
Posted
I agree with this and I am a guy...probably obvious. :rolleyes:

 

He cannot say you entrapped him if he emails you back. But I would suggest that you let him be the one to make any moves or flirtations. Otherwise, he can say that you did entrap him. Do not email him again if he does not respond to you.

 

If he does email you back, let him make suggestions as to meeting and sex. Let him make flirty comments.

 

I am sorry to hear of this, but it may be as suggested. He may want a threesome, but I doubt that because if he wanted you involved, he would have told you of this account. If he wants another girl for a threesome, I think he would want you to approve of the woman he picked.

Good thoughts James.

 

I think people need to understand that in order to fix or sever a marriage, you don't take issues lightly and you need concrete proof that one party is not abiding by the terms and conditions of marriage as agreed to, by both parties. Circumstantial evidence isn't good enough unless you want to flake out of a marriage through assumption and suspicion. Also, to falsely accuse your spouse of infidelity, can cause irreparable damage.

Capricciosa Established Member

Capricciosa

Posted
Posted

Well it's not exactly falsely accusing him when he clearly has an account and a profile and has been searching. That is what needs to be put on the table, not accusations of infidelity at this point. What if he never replies to her email, should she just forget about what she found and never bring it up? Would you want to have that unspoken knowledge about your spouse, especially when he has been unfaithful before?

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

Posted
Posted

A gold friend finder account isn't exactly like getting a free webmail account. You know there's more involved and you know it will surface sooner or later. If you show your hand immediately, he will only go further underground with his needs.

V6TransAM Member

V6TransAM

Posted
Posted

Sounds just like me.

 

If u actually care about him, lay it all on the table now.

 

If I would have had that happen to me sooner, I wouldnt be posting here now.

 

I wasnt married, just in a 4 yr relationship with a very beautiful woman, who is no longer with me now.

 

It was yahoo or AFF, I wasnt out screwing people, but I always had to browse, find someone to flirt with when I was sick or pissed, or fill in the blank. If I would have seriously talked to someone sooner, my current situation would be much better off.

 

I have been reading relaitonship boards, 3-4 books on relations and cyber infidelity and going to SLAA meetings twice a week and I feel like a human piece of crap realizing what I have done. People can change its whether they want to or not.

SoHotZanzibar Established Member

SoHotZanzibar

Posted
Posted

Thats a very telling post V6Transam. I think sharing that will help others on here.

 

One has to be careful with those sites. unfortunately there seems to be many of them

V6TransAM Member

V6TransAM

Posted
Posted

I screwed up bad

 

I'm destroyed inside and love her with all my heart, it may not matter.

 

Im just saying it that sometimes people are too dumb to realize what their doing whether "addicted" or not. Its just not something that registers on you personally

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

Posted
Posted

When a cheater or an addict experiences trauma, they are more likely to want to change. In laying out a mild transgression on the table with no real proof, leaves the door open for the cheater or addict to attempt to lie their way out of it. Depending on how deeply addicted they are in leading a double life, they will protect that double life with tooth and nail, so it doesn't get exposed to the light of day.

tommyr Established Member

tommyr

Posted
Posted

It might also be interesting for your fake-profile gal to ask him a probing question like

"Hey, I just noticed you are married. I hope you have more experience with discrete relationships than my previous married friend.. his wife got my cell# and called me at work"

V6TransAM Member

V6TransAM

Posted
Posted

Exactly my point Trialbyfire.

 

If it comes to light and you end up having a real meaningful conversation without the screaming and yelling it could end up being the nest thing you ever did for the relationship.

 

Mine wasnt bad or a crack addict like, it became a kind of security blanket for me however when things went to hell. If I had the last knuckle down whole hearted devestating conversation sooner, I wouldnt be here, its what finally opened my eyes and made me realize I was hurting someon whom I did love with all my heart

Capricciosa Established Member

Capricciosa

Posted
Posted

 

I have been reading relaitonship boards, 3-4 books on relations and cyber infidelity and going to SLAA meetings twice a week and I feel like a human piece of crap realizing what I have done. People can change its whether they want to or not.

 

You are being way to hard on yourself, friend. At least you have the nerve to go into recovery. Congrats. I hope you feel less angry at yourself soon, and make some amends to yourself and those who have been hurt. Buona fortuna

 

And yes, it is better that certain habits are nipped in the bud early, before they get out of hand.

 

Peace.

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

Posted
Posted
Exactly my point Trialbyfire.

 

If it comes to light and you end up having a real meaningful conversation without the screaming and yelling it could end up being the nest thing you ever did for the relationship.

 

Mine wasnt bad or a crack addict like, it became a kind of security blanket for me however when things went to hell. If I had the last knuckle down whole hearted devestating conversation sooner, I wouldnt be here, its what finally opened my eyes and made me realize I was hurting someon whom I did love with all my heart

I disagree that an early discussion about a single account with nothing but a few minor items would have opened your eyes. It would have felt like a light slap on the wrist. Hindsight is 20/20.

  • Author
cybertofu New Member

cybertofu

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Hey everyone,

 

Thank you all so much for your insights and ideas. This forum is a godsend especially considering I don't have many close friends here yet to talk to about this (mine are back in Australia... halfway around the world!).

 

I think I'll wait maybe two or three days and see if he responds to the fake gal profile. If he doesn't respond I'll confront him about it directly in a chilled out "I'm sure I don't have anything to worry about, but um, WTF!"

 

Incidentally on the whole addiction thing, he actually has a very addictive personality (I'm afraid I'm one of his obsessions... or was!) so I want to confront him about this sooner rather than later. If I confront him, I'll definitely suggest counselling.

 

I'll keep you all posted on how things progress... thank you all sincerely once again.

 

Cheers :)

V6TransAM Member

V6TransAM

Posted
Posted

Capri,

 

I am torn up inside at the same time I know I cant change the past(no matter how i wish too), I can and am working on making my present and future better.

 

According to all the little tests I'm not a sex addict. It never cost me a job, school or grades, or interfered with my life, but even a little bit cost me the love of a very wonderful person in my life. So regardless there was an issue there.

 

Thanks for believing in me(most just rip the people who made mistakes), I want to be the person I once was or better.

Capricciosa Established Member

Capricciosa

Posted
Posted

 

Thanks for believing in me(most just rip the people who made mistakes), I want to be the person I once was or better.

 

You're welcome Mr. TransAm.

 

And good luck cybertofu.

V6TransAM Member

V6TransAM

Posted
Posted
I disagree that an early discussion about a single account with nothing but a few minor items would have opened your eyes. It would have felt like a light slap on the wrist. Hindsight is 20/20.

 

That was just it.

 

We never had a real discussion about it, nothing like the last time with AFF. It never bothered me nor did I understand how/why it was hurting her. We talked for 3 hrs and I agreed to find help to do something about it.

 

This was after the breakup unfortuneately, it breaks my heart when she says "I wish u did somethign about it sooner". It never registered to me as to what level I was hurting her

OpenBook Established Member

OpenBook

Posted
Posted
Not only does he value honesty more than anything else (he says he could never lie to me), but he's been going on about how weve been having the best sex of his life (certainly true for me) since we got married in April of this year. We've been married just on 4 months, he says he is rapt that I'm here and always says he's incredibly happy.

 

I'm always up for spicing up our sex life (I'm bisexual and have told him I'd be up for a 3some if the situation arose) and I was interested to see he wrote that he "never wants to have boring sex" on his profile.

We've been together for nearly 4 years (only in the same place at the same time for 2 1/2 of them!) and I finally moved to the US from Australia to be with him/get married this year.

 

I'm a little confused. You say you're bisexual. When you guys got married, did you both specifically agree to give up sex (all sex, regardless of with whom and their gender) outside the marriage?

 

If so, that would mean a huge sacrifice on your part. The only way you could fully honor your bisexuality is including your H in your activities.

 

If not, he may have a different definition of "fidelity" than you do. He may assume that since you're bisexual, it gives him a free pass to screw anyone else he wants.

 

If and when you do confront him about this Adult FF thing, he may act surprised that you would be upset about it.

 

But I could be totally wrong.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...