Ruined trust in 4 yr relationship, ?

[V6TransAM]

4 yrs ago very close to this day I beautiful woman entered my life. L was fantastic, smart and beautiful, I couldnt ask for anything more.

 

Everything was the best, hours long phone conversations, dates, whatever we did it was always a great time.

 

Eventually like everything we had some difficulties and I turned to the net. I wasnt running around having physical affairs, but I was looking for women to chat to online, not cybersex, but someone to talk to and feel wanted. I knew it was wrong, but I kept doing it.

 

I got caught the first couple times screwing around on yahoo and the latest on adult friend finder.

 

I realize now what an ass I was being and that I hurt her deeply. I never thought of it as a problem but I was violating her trust and I realize that now.

 

I can admit I am not a bad person and I am trying to rebuild my own integrity. I attend Sex and Lov Addicts Anonymous meetings now and have been educating myself on the subject of infidelity on the internet. I want to improve myself so I no longer have to worry about any of these issues.

 

I used it as my release from having fights, being lonely, or when I was here 1100 miles from home at school and sick on and off until I finally figured out it was a damned cavity causing the issues. I didnt realize I was hurting others at the time and am now very beat up over the whole thing.

 

She is proud of me and she misses me, she has told me that much. She also said she is very afraid of getting hurt again.

 

I want to prove myself to me and to her. I would like to rebuild our relationship and make this work. How can I make up to her and prove my intentions and that I am trying to make myself into the person that I was and want to be?

 

2 mths ago I wouldnt even type something like this

 

Being 1100 miles from her makes it worse

[LakesideDream]

V6transAm, You say in your post that "you couldn't ask for anything more".... that wasn't true was it.

 

Same thing happened to me 40 years ago when I was 17. I've been paying the price ever since. Welcome to the club.

[norajane]

How can I make up to her

 

Ask HER. She's the only who can tell you what might help to make her feel better, eventually.

 

Otherwise, the only thing you can do is make sure your actions match up to your words, and then give it time, a LOT of time, and hope that eventually you might be able to build something new with her.

 

Once the trust is broken, you can't get it back the way it was before. She will have doubts for a long time, and will wonder what you're doing when you're away, when you are in front of your computer, when you aren't with her. You can try to give her a lot of attention, make sure she always knows how special you think she is...but time is the only thing that will help.

 

There's no way you can prove to her that you aren't chatting with strange women on the internet, and since that was what you did, I'm sure she's going to have to rely on your other behavior for clues into your real character.

[Mr. Lucky]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t127766/

 

Are you by chance her Husband?

 

Mr. Lucky

[V6TransAM]

Nope not me.

 

Not married either.

 

Just realizing how bad I messed up and desperately searching for a way to make things right.

 

I know what I did, I accept blame for it and I go to meetings twice a week(all I can do with school and work), I voluntarily gave her all passwords to anywhere I go.

 

Sometimes when we talk its normal and then goes to hell.

 

I know I messed up and I fessed up with 100% honestly, doesnt make it right, but I am truly trying to become the person that I was and even make myself better.

[livebuzzwords]

]When you are in love with someone, the relationship should bring you joy and a sense of emotional well-being. People who are in a relationship often stand as support systems for one another and share each other's problems and strive together to build a better life and future. However, there is the other side to love, where instead of bringing you happiness, it could be the worse thing in your life. An abusive relationship can affect an individual's mental and physical well-being. Abusive relationships are not always physical in nature but can even be mental or emotional. I am guilty of such crimes, I did everything one could possibly do wrong during the breakup afterwards [from angry letters, poison-pen emails, constant phone calls, drive-bys, uncalled for visits, begged, pleaded, cried, shouted, reacted negatively, frightened, cajoled, manipulated, confused and many other things and I know it will take a long time for her to heal from all that. The worst thing I did was lose her trust.

 

It is important to understand that true love is difficult to obtain and when you break the bond of trust - it is difficult to repair. Like you, I was in a serious relationship and in love with a woman, who broke up with me after 4 years of being together. Regrettably, she had to do this because, I became unhinged depressed and I began to mistreat her in ways that were unacceptable. When I did that I distanced myself, and showed a lack of concern and love.

 

I broke the bonds of trust, as well as heartfelt promises, and she no-doubt felt frustrated, confused and dismayed with my behavior. I believe she made this choice, ending the R because when you remove trust, you slowly dy, and she was suffering from verbal and psycological abuse, and my neglect of the relationship. Her spirit was dying and she needed to get out. I know she started getting angry at not receiving the love that she deserved, and quickly reached a point of wanting to end the relationship. My actions lead her to emotional distress, depression, frustration and a prolonged feeling of helplessness because I dragged things on needlessly.

 

She knew that attempting to fix our relationship gone “bad” would not work. I know she had feelings of loneliness, and sadness from knowing she had to free herself, probably felt that I had betrayed her, and proven to be unworthy of her love. She separated from the person who was causing emotional pain, so there was absolutely no purpose to talk of my misdoings, no need to enter into a long discussion of why she was ending the relationship – hence her silence and the usage of NC. She knew there was no benefit to trying to make me understand her pain and sadness for she believed that any rational person undeniably knows when they have mistreated another, and endless words cannot change a person’s core personality. But I think people can change for the better and earn back trust.

 

But after saying all this, I still believe that someday, her and I will be friends again and from there – who know. It may take years for me to rebuild trust and earn her friendship but I can wait.

[East of Jupiter]

Honestly, what makes those of you who have abused and manipulated think you can change?

 

What can you offer anyone who knows your past?

 

I'm trying to understand. I can't believe anything my H says anymore. Even when he says things I know he means. Even if I know he loves me. He doesn't know how to love without hurting and manipulating me to get what he wants. What does he want? Great question. I think he wants to not feel controlled by his love for me if that makes sense. I feel he punishes me for the way he feels about me.

 

A pattern. His mother is an emotionally devoid woman. She is mean and cutting with an acid tongue. He loves her but he doesn't like her. And I think he resented that. So with each relationship, when he felt "controlled" by his feelings for that person, he sabotaged the relationship by cheating. If he can deminish the perceived control his love for me has on him, then he doesn't feel emasculated by it.

 

No, I'm nothing like his mother as I am highly affectionate, supportive, warm and open.

 

But come to think of it, he is role playing his father, who was emasculated.

 

Thoughts?

[V6TransAM]

I ront think u can bother to try and talk about it or understand it until you have had a conversation where the one doing it finally breaks and see how much of an ass they were being.

 

Until they recognize and take responsibility for what they did, there is no sense in trying to just "talk" about it.

 

I know what I did. I accept it. I am doing things and taking steps to ensure whatever my future may be will be different than my recent past.

 

As far as not believing? Maybe not everyone is worth believing, some undoubtedly will, some will not. Guess actions speak louder than words at that point. Some of us admit it and make real attempts at change.

 

If you would have ever dreamed of me ever posting at a relationship site, posting about my feelings, let alone admitting I had any 3mths ago I would have laughed in your face. People do change whether for better or worse.

[livebuzzwords]

"I am not a bad person and I am trying to rebuild my own integrity. I attend Sex and Lov Addicts Anonymous meetings now and have been educating myself on the subject of infidelity on the internet. I wasnt running around having physical affairs, but I was looking for women to chat to online, not cybersex, but someone to talk to and feel wanted."

 

Just so you know, when people get depressed, they lose track of their moral compass and suffer from poor judgement. There is a direct link between certain illness, pornography and sex related activities. it is a difficult thing to watch as couples get hurt because of these things. Someone with Bi=Polar might engage in conversations that are sex related and have no clue as to the ramifications. It sounds like you have a solid foundation and are making great strides with your issues - keep up the good work.

[V6TransAM]

Thats the plan buzzwords.

 

I am working on it, not just talking about it

[East of Jupiter]

I ront think u can bother to try and talk about it or understand it until you have had a conversation where the one doing it finally breaks and see how much of an ass they were being.

 

Until they recognize and take responsibility for what they did, there is no sense in trying to just "talk" about it.

 

I know what I did. I accept it. I am doing things and taking steps to ensure whatever my future may be will be different than my recent past.

 

As far as not believing? Maybe not everyone is worth believing, some undoubtedly will, some will not. Guess actions speak louder than words at that point. Some of us admit it and make real attempts at change.

 

If you would have ever dreamed of me ever posting at a relationship site, posting about my feelings, let alone admitting I had any 3mths ago I would have laughed in your face. People do change whether for better or worse.

 

It just goes around and around for the betrayed person. Like a hamster in an emotional treadmill.

 

Can I ask you something? How many times did you betrayed your girlfriends trust? If more than once, did you say pretty much the same thing then? Have you cheated on others in the past?

 

I commend you and I have to tell you that I believe it IS a sign of your desire to do better that you are posting and trying to figure this out.

[V6TransAM]

No the other times were just talking to girls on yahoo and one sent me pictures(nice ones i might add) that I didnt solocit and she found them.

 

The last time was AFF.

 

The first couple blew over the last time didnt, we never had that conversation where I broke down like the last time. Thats what it took for me to realize what I was doing and I was hurting her and myself.

 

Its hard and its ****ty, try beating yourself down and realizing how bad u ****ed up every aspect of your life every day. Let alone destroyed someones trust and faith in you.

[East of Jupiter]

V6TransAM;1290565]No the other times were just talking to girls on yahoo and one sent me pictures(nice ones i might add) that I didnt solocit and she found them.

 

I think it is important that you understand that to a partner, this is betrayal as well. You were talking to other girls in a way that it promoted the level of intimacy that a woman felt comfortable sending you a picture.

 

The last time was AFF.

 

The first couple blew over the last time didnt, we never had that conversation where I broke down like the last time. Thats what it took for me to realize what I was doing and I was hurting her and myself.

 

In other words, your girlfriend cared enough for you and trusted you enough to forgive you twice. As a result, you did it again.

 

Its hard and its ****ty, try beating yourself down and realizing how bad u ****ed up every aspect of your life every day. Let alone destroyed someones trust and faith in you.

 

Have you come up with some answer? What was the payoff? You risked and risked, there has to be a pay off.

 

You are definately getting this and before you are married when there are kids involved. Keep working on yourself and you will eventually recognize that you are deserving of the type of life, marriage and spirit that comes with being an honest and honorable man.

[been7077]

If you ran into trouble it was trouble on both sides, no?

 

I think you have realized what you have done, but is she giving you enough of a break?

 

Maybe you weren't alone in straying from fidelity? And you really didn't let it go to the betrayl point.

 

Personally, I was cheated on in reality, after a much longer relationship. I believe once a cheater always a cheater, and my history after her affair proved me right.

 

You however have not gone there. I hope she can see the difference. If she wants to.

[livebuzzwords]

I want to prove myself to me and to her. I would like to rebuild our relationship and make this work. How can I make up to her and prove my intentions and that I am trying to make myself into the person that I was and want to be?

 

I WOULD ASK HER TO TELL ME WHAT I COULD DO TO REASSURE HER

I DO NOT HAVE A COMP AT HOME AND I HAVE CLARITY REGARDING MY PAST BEHAVIOURS AND WILL ANSWERS ANY QUESTIONS SHE HAS HONESTLY

SHE COULD HAVE ANY ACCESS TO WEB SITES OR EMAIL AND SHE IS FREE TO CHECK MY PRIVATE THINGS

I COULD EXPLAIN WHY I GAPPED OUT AND NOT AS AN EXCUSE BUT AS A MARKER TO EXPLAIN WHY THESE THINGS WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN

NO PROBLEMS FOR ME

[V6TransAM]

I have done all of that.

 

It is past that right now.

 

She wants time and I'm truly trying like hell to give it to her.

 

Being 1100 miles apart doesnt help matters whatsoever, but it is the best thing I guess if she needs space, at least for right now(least thats what I keep telling myself).

 

I hope one day that she can forgive me and that my actions will hopefully speak louder than words. I just hate not knowing what will happen.

[V6TransAM]

Anyone else have anything constructive to say?

[LakesideDream]

The LDR aspect really exaserbates your problem. It would seem to be much easier to regain the trust if you were nearby, and in frequent physical contact.

 

Have you considered relocating? That might be the only way to give you a chance with this gal.

 

Again.. I did a similar thing as a teenager some 40 years ago. Believe it or not, I am anxious to move close to her to try to rekindle the flame. The thing holding me back is a very elderly and ill reletive that I have agreed to be responsible for. With out that duty, I'd be there in a month!

[V6TransAM]

I would in a heartbeat if it were that easy. She even has said I cant trust you while you are down there.

 

I'm here for school, it ends in Nov for me.

 

So there is very little opportunity for me to go home.

 

Easiest possible way would be if she was willing to come here, but I dont think that will happen anytime soon if at all.

 

I just wish I knew what I could do for her.

[V6TransAM]

Anyone else willing to share two cents worth?