Guilty from club have girlfriend help

[yankees123]

I have been in a relationship with a great girl for 18 months. She is the best thing that has ever come into my life and I love her with all my heart. I know that she's the one I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. Recently however, I went to a strip club with my best friend. This is something that is COMPLETELY uncharacteristic of me and I went in anyway. My best friend pressured me, but I am responsible for my own behavior and I blame no one besides myself. I got several lap dances from one particular girl until she got me off. I feel beyond guilty and swear that I will never do this again. I regret it and I am so upset. The amount of guilt I feel is terrible, but I know I deserve this pain and more. I have been trying to rationalize this and say, I'm not married yet and I experienced it once in my life. I didn't do this when I was single and now I did it while being with the one I'll marry. I know this will be the fist and last time, it's just I feel so guilty over doing this to the girl that I love, the girl who would never do this to me. I'm the most honest guy, but I just can't bring myself to tell her. I'm not sure if I ever should. She might leave me and I don't want that, even though I maybe I deserve that. What do I do to feel better? I will never do this again as her boyfriend and absolutely never as her husband. This was the first and last and I'll regret it forever. Please, any advice? Thank you I appreciate it.

[oppath]

Some girls don't mind their bf's going to strip clubs.

[101NEO]

was she just dancing on you and you blew one, or did she end up doing other things?

 

if she was just dancing on you and you fired one off, you have nothing to feel guilty for. it happens. now if she reached in your pants and you let it happen then you're going to have to live with that guilt. whether or not you tell her is up to you, either way you are going to still have the guilt.

[yankees123]

She didn't put her hands in my pants. I got off from the lap dance, but I went several times knowing that could happen. We didn't do anything else. I feel like a cheater, am I a cheater? I am physically shaking and don't know how I ever brought myself to do something like this. I have no excuse, I became a guy I didn't want to be for one night. I know she wouldn't be ok with this because she didn't want me to have a bachelor party with a stripper before our wedding. Thanks for the replies I appreciate it.

[maynard]

getting off in your pants is a lot different than having her do something with her hand

[chill chic]

may I ask if you were saving yourself for marriage?

 

how is your relationship with her? how old are you two? the OP was kinda vague, but to me, it's not cheating. like someone else said, she didn't physically touch you, and you didn't either...and it's illegal for them to touch you anyway...depends on what kinda club you go to.

 

anyway...I wouldn't tell her, since she's SO against strip clubs...unless you think your best friend will blab it to her first.

 

just take a deep breath...it will be okay

[Krytellan]

Beyond what everyone is saying here, start taking responsibility for your own actions. Your paragraph is crammed with reasons why your friends are to blame. Take responsibility for the choices you make in all facets of your life.

[101NEO]

if it was just a lap dance, it happens. some guys cant control it. i don't know if you typically can but it does happen. some guys just don't have control. i have a few stripper friends and that **** happens all the time.

 

you didn't cheat. you were with your friends, got turned on by another girl, and you feel as if you made a bad choice. a strip club is nothing other than a girl turning you on for money. they are dirty places that are geared toward things specifically like that.

 

you shouldn't feel guilty, it's no different than you having a wet dream.

 

now, should you be honest with her and tell her, that's up to you. what's more important to you, honesty, or fear of how she might react.

 

if you want to have an honest relationship, you should tell her. however you need to re-assure her that you only WANT her. it will be a bit of a blow to her self esteem and confidence in your relationship, but as a man, you need to accept that it happened but amounted to nothing.

 

just make sure she knows that she's the only woman in your life that really matters and that you feel bad or weird about/for it.

 

if she loves you, she will be upset but will not walk away from you. remember, you didn't have sex with someone, you didn't start a relationship with someone, and you didn't cheat on her. you had a night out with the boys and you feel bad for the outcome.

[amber1]

To be honest, I think you are making a bigger deal out of what it is. You didn't cheat. I wouldn't tell her about any of this and just avoid strip clubs from now on.

[Lishy]

Chill!

 

You havnt cheated and what you did was a one off and wont be repeated, its not like you do it every week!

 

DOnt tell her unless she could find out and just forget it!

 

I am glad you are so in love and you sound like a lovely person who just did something they regretted (we all do that at some point)

 

Good luck for your future!

[jcster]

If you decide to tell your girlfriend the truth - and I think you might want to if she sees your friends often - don't tell her that you got off. I think that she will be incredibly angry that you went, especially since you know how she feels about strip clubs - she will probably forgive you for going, but may not forgive you for getting off on it.

[yankees123]

Thank you for all your replies, but I wanted to let everyone know that I decided to tell her. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I knew it was the right thing to do because for me, honesty is the foundation of a relationship. I sucked it up and uttered the words I knew would cause us both tremendous pain. I told her everything..it was devastating for her of course, but also for me. She says she still loves me and sees it as a big mistake that a good person made, but doesn't know what our future holds. Since it's so hard for me to forgive myself and I don't know when i ever will, I don't know when she will forgive me as well. However, she said she needs serious time to think about this and that she doesn't want to break up right now, but rather go on a break. In reply to a note I wrote her about how disgusting and low I feel and how I promise to be the man she deserves if I'm lucky enough to ever get a second chance, she said, "I need serious time to get through this, I just don't know how long, weeks or months. In the meantime, don't forget about us and try to think about why you made that choice that night. I'll be thinking of you all the time. I love you. I'll be seeing you." I hate myself guys, don't ever do something you will regret like this. I was always a good guy, not the typical guy, and one night in my life has not changed that I am a good person (although I feel like a bad person) but has left a scar. I hope one day she will come back to em, I told her I'll always love her and that I'll be waiting forever for her, and if she doesn't come back I'll spend all of time alone because I'd rather that if I can't be with her. Thanks again everybody.

[annabelle75]

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? And are you and your GF of a specific religious background that finds strip clubs offensive?

 

I ask because I find her reaction rather extreme and unneccessary. Seriously, I'm a preacher's daughter and I wouldn't break up with a guy over something like that. It just makes me think there might be more to the story.

[rainfall]

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? And are you and your GF of a specific religious background that finds strip clubs offensive?

 

I ask because I find her reaction rather extreme and unneccessary. Seriously, I'm a preacher's daughter and I wouldn't break up with a guy over something like that. It just makes me think there might be more to the story.

 

 

I'm not religious in anyway but I know I probably would of reacted the same as his gf did. I don't need to be with someone who has another women touching him in a sexual manner. I would not care the reason or the circumstance.

 

So maybe its not religion maybe its just that she has different standards over what cheating is......

[annabelle75]

I'm not religious in anyway but I know I probably would of reacted the same as his gf did. I don't need to be with someone who has another women touching him in a sexual manner. I would not care the reason or the circumstance.

 

So maybe its not religion maybe its just that she has different standards over what cheating is......

 

Everyone here knows your opinion on this matter and how your relationship is so perfect .... no need to come here and try to lay any more guilt on this guy.

[rainfall]

Everyone here knows your opinion on this matter and how your relationship is so perfect .... no need to come here and try to lay any more guilt on this guy.

 

 

I never mentioned anything about him AT ALL. I mentioned that maybe she did not over react but maybe her own personall beliefs are differnt then yours.

 

She did not overreact just because she feels a certain way. If she chooses to forgive him then great and I hope their relationship works out. However for you to say she overreacted is not right. She has every right to feel how she does and if she chooses to stay with him and he wants to make their relationship work the her feelings should not be thought of as "over reacting."

[jcster]

I too would have been very upset, so it's not just rainfall.

[popey]

I think the most important point has been missed in the discussion. That is that he knew that going to the club alone would hurt his gf, let alone taking it a step further multiple times by having the lap dances.

 

If I had done something similar I would feel extremely guilty and likewise would be hurt if my bf did it to me. The guilty part is not getting off. Its going, and chosing the subsequent active engagment with full knowledge that this conduct was something that would hurt his gf. By doing that, he both betrayed her trust and put a taudry experience ahead of her feelings.

 

That being said, good, loving people make mistakes, and the right course thereafter sometimes is to - yes, beat yourself up; but then just try to discern if there is an underlying reason for your uncharacteristic conduct (not necessarily always the case); learn what you can; and decide what you want to do to improve (if you determine you need to) and do it.

 

and remember- You, and your gf, and everyone else you shall ever meet are hopelessly flawed.

 

Hope it works out for you both.

[yankees123]

Thanks for the replies everybody... The guilt I've felt has kept me up every second of every night as I shake and tremble about what I've done and if I'll forever lose the one I love (and I'm 22, girlfriend 21 by the way). You are right though rainfall, this is more about my girlfriend's standards in reference to what cheating is than her religious beliefs. My girlfriend and I are both catholic and we strive to be good people, but if anybody is more affected by this religiously, than it's me. My girlfriend and I are not super religious, but we try to go to church a couple times a month. We talk about heaven and God here and there because we want to be good people. What I've done has made me feel like I won't be able to go to heaven. I've been worried about how and if I will go to heaven. I know no one can know how good a person is through a forum, but I'm an average guy who loves his family and friends, who works hard, does well in school, always wants to be a better person, and chose one night to make a terrible mistake that he knows in his heart he will absolutely never make again. I don't think she overreacted, however I don't think it was fair for her to not differentiate that I had actual intercourse with another woman. At the same time, I don't think I'm worthy of being able to judge what is and what isn't fair.

 

HERE'S THE THING and I SWEAR to you this is the thought process I had right before......I didn't think before I went in that I was cheating or that it would do this to my relationship, because if I could see or feel one second of what is happening now, i would have ran home. I know that sounds like a bunch of you know what...but my mind was clouded by something, and because I never experienced a strip club and had no memory of what this does to somebody even though it is so obvious looking at it now, I somehow went in. The only thing I may have thought is that every guy did this once before he was married, but looking at it now, I don't think it's excusable and I'm not defending it in any way. I don't know why I didn't leave, but I should have. I knew when I left there that i made the biggest mistake of my life, I actually wanted to die. I wanted to feel the pain of death a 100 times to take back what I did.

 

I hope my girlfriend and I can get through this and get married one day. I know that even if she doesn't come back to me, I'll never go to a club or do anything even remotely associated with this ever again. I've learned the hard way, I just hope I don't pay for it forever. I know I'll be the best husband and father if we ever have a family together. I promise I will. Some believe in second chances. I pray she will. I'll never let her down again if I'm ever lucky to be given another chance.

 

The last thing i wanted to ask everybody, and I know it's hard cause you don't know me or my girlfriend, but after reading, I'd appreciate it if all of you could just say if you think I deserve one more chance. Thanks again, it means a lot.

[beautifuldisaster]

I have to say I would have reacted the same way your gf did.....but yes, you do deserve one more chance. I think she'll be back....but be prepared to do whatever it takes to earn her trust back. Let us know what happens. Good luck!

[charliepapa]

There was a big political stink hear in Australia about the opposition leader attending a strip club in New York. The incident was leaked by the politically struggling government. The public reaction - Who cares?

 

Obviously your guilt means it was it was a bad investment.

[Marzy_Monarch]

I feel like a cheater, am I a cheater? I am physically shaking and don't know how I ever brought myself to do something like this. I have no excuse, I became a guy I didn't want to be for one night. I know she wouldn't be ok with this quote]

 

The definition of cheating varies depending on who you ask. From what you've said it seems like you consider it cheating and from what you say about how your GF would feel it seems that she would think of it as cheating as well. I'd talk to her about it if I were you, but just know that she may leave b/c of her feelings towards it which you knew before hand.

 

Personally I'd consider this cheating in my relationship & I'd leave my BF not so much from the ejaculation but b/c of the MULTIPLE lap dances in general.

[Marzy_Monarch]

I think that you DO deserve a second chance. If your GF leaves you for a while I think it's fair b/c she can heal & teach you a lesson even though so do sound very sorry. I think you should get back together if you do seperate.