spoonfull Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 we were dating & his divorce was final this coming monday. i thought i was pretty much in the clear. i didn't feel as if i was doing wrong since he kept saying over & over that they were thru & how he wouldn't put me in that situation. It's happened to me in the past & he knew how I personally didn' want to be in that situation ever again.So things were great with me & him. we had plans to go out of town for my upcoming bday, lots of things were talked about. then this past sunday she had a change of heart all the sudden. she initiated it all & i knew he still loved her-i mean divorce is hard, ive been thru it & you still have love for the person. but she didn't want it to go this far & blah blah & he told me all this. I was shocked to say the least. he said he was so positive that his marriage was over otherwise he never would have bothered me. so then he said he was confused but he did care about me so much. so i let him have a few days. well, turns out he doesn't really know whats going to happen but since this would've been his second divorce he feels like now if he doesn't try he will always wonder what if. Same thing happened in his first marriage too I guess. I respect his decision but I am hurt. He says he has thought about so much & he has so many emotions going thru him & one thing he can't give me is kids unless he had his procedure reveresed. I said that he needed to figure out what was best for him. We cried for hours together. It was so hard & now I am feeling so lonely for him, a little mad too. He kept begging me not to hate him & I said I don't right now but damn, why did you do this to me? He said if we kept doing this & then I decided to for sure go back to her, we both would be hurt more. He said he's going to take it day by day & see how she acts or reacts cuz he feels as if there is a chance she could do this all over again. I said i guess you won't know unless you try. then he said he'd never forget me & how can he find me if things don't work out. I said that might not be for years & I could be happy then. He understood that too. It was a very emotional goodbye & we wished each other well but now I'm getting mad inside. I just feel like I didn't have enough time with a man who treated me like a queen. Nothing I've ever had before quite honestly. Please give me some words of advice so I can try to let this go. I want to see him, text him, hug him, just anything. But I know I can't. There is nothing I can do. I miss him so much.
FrequentFlyer Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 Get busy doing something else. Dwelling on it will NOT make it any better. Give it time. I said a little time, not forever. Emotions are supercharged right now, clear answers are nowhere in sight. Get busy, it will help keep your mind off this. Really.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 Spoonful, sorry to hear you are going through this. It must have been quite a shock, but something I've learnt from this forum, is that until a divorce is cemented and both partners have moved on, anything can happen. Are you waiting for him to see if his M works? Or are you moving on?
Can'tGiveUp Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 Almost word for word what happened to me...though I do not consider myself an OW in that relationship. After he went back, we had limited contact for about 18 mos. And when we did talk it was very casual and light. Not that it didn't hurt and rip my heart out again everytime I saw him...I just didn't tell him that. Then I did and so began the A. It didn't work - couldn't work. Our original relationship wasn't hidden and it was very difficult to try and change our behaviors in public. We had to change our communication habits, to try and cram a whole relationship into stolen moments. It affected both of our perfomances at work(different companies - we don't work together), his behavior at home, and we had to lie to mutual friends. It lasted about 5 mos. and set me back to the beginning for trying to heal again. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.
outofdarkness Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 Same circumstances and words, just different people, places, etc...They ALL say the same things to their OW, with the exception of a very few..There is only one that I know of on LS...Otherwise, MM look out of MM, and 99.9 percent of the time, they NEVER leave the W and kids...The OW is used just as the W and kids are..He is always looking out for himself and ONLY himself...That is the nature of the beast...
Author spoonfull Posted August 18, 2007 Author Posted August 18, 2007 no i'm not waiting to see if his marriage works. i walked away. it's too painful to go through. we both thought maybe i should wait to see what happens but he then decided it wasn't fair for either of us. I said that he needed to focus on that life & I wasn't a part of it anymore. He sent me the email saying how sorry he was but other than that I don't think i will hear from him. He knows that this really has hurt my feelings & why contact me? yah, we were friends but it's all over now. and i told him not to, only if he has gotten a divorce & had to papers to prove it. he said he was sorry for ever bothering me but yet didn't regret any of it. i said, i just wish you had been over her before you tried to move one. It's still so sad, every car that looks like his I'm afraid is his cuz I don't want to see him but yet I do. If that makes any sense. But he belongs to her & not me & there isnt nothing I can do about it. I am not going to ever sneak around to be with someone I care about. Been there & done that & I learned from that mistake.
frannie Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 I'm sorry to hear what's happened. But you're right, if he still loves her and she's changed her mind at the last minute, there's not a lot you can do. And he does owe it to himself to see if they can make the relationship work. Look at it this way: ... IF there is still 'unfinished business' with her, he needs to sort that out. He can do nothing else, not if he loves her. That way it wouldn't be a problem waiting to surface if you to did get together at some point. All you can do is give him the space to do what he needs to do. And as everyone will probably tell you, the quickest way to heal from this is to consider that there is no future with him. Holding on to hope can be very destructive and crazy-making... But I know, it's so hard. Oh, and kudos to him for breaking it off with you rather than asking you to wait, keeping in contact, etc.
Author spoonfull Posted August 19, 2007 Author Posted August 19, 2007 i do have one question tho...........is he going to tell her about what he did while they were separated? Because I know from what he has told me, they have cheated on each other once before & that led to problems. I guess if I wanted to make my marriage work I would come clean about everything, but maybe thats my sick mind thinking if he told her she wouldn't want hm back. I know, that's terrible of me to think. But i cant help but think it since I care for him. I'm not a bad person for thinking that right???
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 No you're not a bad person for thinking that. Its the nature of the relationship you have been in. Frannie is right. Kudos for you for not sitting on the fence alongside him and making a stance to move on. He does need what he needs to do. Its good he has been honest with you regarding that, and I think once the anger subsides, you can recognise that honesty as respect for you and the R you had with him. You sound very sensible about the situation. If his heart is with her - yes, I'm sorry, but he does belong to her, or at least his heart does. But at least he, IMO, has tried to set you free without offering you false hope. Its awful because you love him and it's a horrible situation to be in. I know what its like to love someone, not to blame them, and just wish you could hug them and tell them that everything is going to be okay. But you cant. So you need to redirect those feelings, that passion, to something else in your life. Your friends, your family, anything. I'm not going to lie to you. Its a long road ahead. But at the end of the road, it is YOU that sounds as though you will be in a position, free, able to choose the path you take. This wont be the same for him. Goodluck spoonful
mystic_pizza Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 i do have one question tho...........is he going to tell her about what he did while they were separated? Because I know from what he has told me, they have cheated on each other once before & that led to problems. I guess if I wanted to make my marriage work I would come clean about everything, but maybe thats my sick mind thinking if he told her she wouldn't want hm back. I know, that's terrible of me to think. But i cant help but think it since I care for him. I'm not a bad person for thinking that right??? Sorry you are hurting right now spoonfull, I can only imagine how you feel. My guess, and I am not trying to be cynical, is that he probably won't tell her if he knows it will create more problems. The good news is, it is better for you in the long run. If by some chance it doesn't work out between them and he comes back, you won't have to deal with her accusing you of destroying the M. It is better she doesn't know, especially since they were separated at the time. Try to keep yourself busy as much as you can for now. Sometimes men have to go back and give it one more shot before calling it quits for good. It is quite common from what I hear for them to do that. Just give him the space he needs and try to heal yourself as best you can. (((HUGS)))
simplegirl Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 I have lived your story before and I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I was friends with a guy for a long time and we kind of lost touch (we were both married, only friends). We would talk once a year through email and that was it. Well, I emailed one time and he said he was separated and had been for 8-9 months. We decided to go out and hit it off. Everything was fine until she found out about me (she had already lived with someone else) then all the sudden she wanted him back (she was the one that left). It was hard for both of us but we cut ties completely. I should say tried to. I found myself emailing him to see how he was doing every once in a while and I don't recommend that. He was very respectful to her and never replied. It would just hurt more that he didn't reply. It took me about 6 months to fully recover but you have to move on. I heard she was leaving again and he came to see me a few months ago just to say hi with a mutual friend of ours but that was only after they knew she was leaving. I haven't heard from him since. My advice is to stay busy and lean on whoever you have to lean on.
flyingdance Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Sorry you are hurting right now spoonfull, I can only imagine how you feel. My guess, and I am not trying to be cynical, is that he probably won't tell her if he knows it will create more problems. The good news is, it is better for you in the long run. If by some chance it doesn't work out between them and he comes back, you won't have to deal with her accusing you of destroying the M. It is better she doesn't know, especially since they were separated at the time. Try to keep yourself busy as much as you can for now. Sometimes men have to go back and give it one more shot before calling it quits for good. It is quite common from what I hear for them to do that. Just give him the space he needs and try to heal yourself as best you can. (((HUGS))) Hi, my case is very similar to yours...... Mine is a little weirder since my MM broke off the marriage(only at the time) once he got together with me, and started dating me, then it seemed like his guilty feeling built up, and he became very confused couldn't finalize the divorce and wanted a break with me after dating me for two months to figure things out whether to end his M or fix it. Yet he didn't stop contacting me. After another two months he decided to stop communication with me since he need to concentrate on giving his M another chance (whatever that means). He wanted me to give him 2 months coz he thinks he would know if he can fix his M or not within a couple of months, and he said he still hope we could talk about us at the time if he find out that his M isn't gonna work and decide to finish it. I doubt if he can really figure out within 2 months but I agreed anyways. In my case, he has been trying to be honest to both parties. His W knows about our relationship, knows about he broke up with her to be with me, but she still fights very hard to get him back. My point is that even if he told her about your relationship doesn't mean she won't want to take him back, sometimes it might give her more motivation to get him back. It really depends on what she wants. Sorry if this is not what you want to hear. But I think this is one of the things that won't affect too much on the big picture. Sometimes I really wonder how he could switch between two relationships just like that. And I am very tempted to check with him about the latest status. He said he clearly knows that he loves me, and if it's not the tough situation in his life right now, he has no doubt that he wants to be with me. Apparently I don't exactly understand that part either. I guess when we are in such a complicated relationship, chances are higher for us not to be confused about those little details. It's really great that I found this forum to get insight and support from people with similar experience. Please hang in there and keep us posted.
Author spoonfull Posted August 19, 2007 Author Posted August 19, 2007 I have got to say that you guys are a great help to me & i hope that i can help someone someday here. this is my new favorite site! well, anyways, he called. I was driving around town, i'm trying hard to quit smoking too & believe me this situation is NOT helping. But a restricted number came up & I answered & no one said anything & then he said hello beautifu. Honestly, i didn't know it was him since i could hardly hear him & the whole restricted number thing. So he said "you dont' remember me anymore" & i just said, why did you block your number are you afraid i'm going to call? And he said no that his house phone came up that way. i just said uh uh, and he said you think bad of me now? i said that i was mad at the situation & sad for feeling like I lost something. He said he's tried so hard the past few days not to call me but he just wanted to know how i was doing. i said why & he said because i know i hurt you & i feel bad & i want to make sure your ok. then he went on to say that he never would've gotten close to me if he thought this was going to happen & he wouldve never moved out of the house if he thought his marriage had a chance. I said yah, i understand. he said he misses me & so much of him doesn't want to make this harder but ive been on his mind. i said that i could relate. i asked how things were going & he said that remains yet to be seen. he said i feel like youve dropped off the face of the earth & I said yah, thats how i feel too. then it was just small talk & he said well i was just calling to make sure you were ok & i said, yah, i will be fine eventually & thanks for calling. that was that. did it make it worse? yah, now i miss him even more. uggghhhhhhh
whichwayisup Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Let your calls go to your machine from now on -Both home phone and cell phone. Go NC with him, it's over and him calling you to check in is not for you - It's for him. He doesn't want to be the bad guy or feel responsible for anything..What a jerk. Seriously, cut him OUT of your life before he hurts you even more.
mystic_pizza Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Let your calls go to your machine from now on -Both home phone and cell phone. Go NC with him, it's over and him calling you to check in is not for you - It's for him. He doesn't want to be the bad guy or feel responsible for anything..What a jerk. Seriously, cut him OUT of your life before he hurts you even more. Spoonfull, whichwayisup is right about this. NC is the best way to go. Every time he calls to "check in" and you answer, he is undoing any healing that has begun, don't answer his calls. By answering you are giving up YOUR power...don't let him have it. He has made his decision and he has to live with it, you have to heal and move on. I know it is hard, but hang in there and come here when you need support and feel weak. Many people here will give you the boost you need to stay strong.
frannie Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 I agree with those who have said... ask him not to call you any longer, because you want to heal from this. I know that probably sounds next to impossible. BUT... the clearer message you can send to him that he must CHOOSE at this point, the better. He was supposedly almost divorced..? So it wouldn't take a huge effort to finish off the job. He needs to be given a clear message from you that you're not hanging around as the booby prize if he can't work things out with a W he says he loves.
Author spoonfull Posted August 19, 2007 Author Posted August 19, 2007 I know that is what is best. But what do you mean "He was supposedly almost divorced..? So it wouldn't take a huge effort to finish off the job."? Yah, the divorce was going to be final tomorrow so im terribly depressed & musta ate 900 crispy cremes today. he did text me to say he was thinking of me & that he would do it all over if he had the chance but he doesn't want to hurt me all over again. I texted back "i know" then he proceeded to write that he hadn't seen my new place. I wouldn't let him over till it was "put together" and then i said you aint scared to come over & he wrote no & that he'll get back to me later. So right now, I'm thinking if you really want to make your marriage work, you need to let go of me completely. Am I right here or no? That's what I would do but then I don't think between my legs. But i know he misses me &cares about me, but i don't need him to know where i live cuz what if he just pops up & that aint right cuz if he is staying with his wife well, eventually I'm gonna meet someone right? I am confused, he wants to see me but doesn't want to hurt me all over again. if you see me, i feel like it will be a goodbye that hurt like hell all over again. he just needs to leave me alone even tho i miss him & i hurt like a sob, but dang, i didn't expect him to say that stuff. tell me not to miss him.............
whichwayisup Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 That's what I would do but then I don't think between my legs Okay, with that being said, take control of this situation, use your head - NOT your heart and emotions - And tell him to stop telling you that he misses you. To stop telling you that he wants to be with you, to just leave you alone so you can heal. Right now he IS keeping intouch with you for his own selfish needs. He says one thing, yet he is still wanting to be with his wife and work at his marriage. HOW can he DO that realistically if he is speaking to you, giving you hope that he will be around? It's not fair to you, and definately not fair to his wife. Once again, it all comes down to what MM wants...Which is why you need to be strong and do the best you can to detach from him. If in 3 months his divorce is final and he can show you proof, THEN consider dating him slowly ON YOUR TERMS. If you are detached enough, and in 3 months he's still with his wife, then you're half way there....But in 3 months he DOES come to you, papers in hand, IF you want to, you can open up with him again.
Author spoonfull Posted August 21, 2007 Author Posted August 21, 2007 ok guys, i screwed up. i'm sorry. i don't know why i did what i did. guess i had a huge moment of weakness. anyways, i let him come to my place. he came in & it wasn't wierd or anything it felt natural. we sat & we had a few drinks. we gave each other a hug hello & just sat & talked. i wanted him to reach for me so badly & he didn't for the longest. he eventually just reached for me & kissed me. i asked why he did that & he said he wanted to do since he walked inthe door & when i asked him to come over, he wanted to come right at that second cuz he wanted to see me so bad. we had that kiss but we really talked. cried again & we both said we wanted to see each other again but he couldn't give all of himself to me & if we are together he would want that but he can't do that & that i deserve more. i agreed.he told me how all this good feeling stuff that makes the goodbye even harder. i told him to quit telling me nice things cuz its too hard. he said he wishes we wouldve gotten together 3 years ago & that he doesn't regret his marriage but thinks things would be better cuz i make him happy. you know, the things they say. i'm so sorry i didnt listen to you guys cuz i cried like a 2 year old last night & i still want him & miss him like crazy. but i know i can't have him as my own. why did i hurt myself even more by doing that. he says that he hopes by the end of the year he will know what he's doing with not only that but other plans he has & they aren't moving in together anytime soon & that he's tried to prove to her that he isn't a bad guy but he wants to do it for himself & no, not the kids. honestly, i feel like his head is on pretty straight, i just think he's in a bad situation. i do feel for him. maybe thats just my heart talking. i said to him its harder for me cuz i have no one to run to, he said that its hard on him cuz he never thought he would be feeling the way he does about me. guys, i'm blue.............
whichwayisup Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 Sorry that you're feeling bad but I honestly think you have to be the one now to take FULL control and let him go. Tell him no more emails, calls, text messages, or seeing eachother. You gotta just do it because if you hang on and let him hang onto you, well, your life will continue to be on the painful path it's on and you deserve more. Unfortunately (atleast for now) he cannot give that to you. Seek some counselling to help you cope, keep venting here...
frannie Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 I know that is what is best. But what do you mean "He was supposedly almost divorced..? So it wouldn't take a huge effort to finish off the job."? Yah, the divorce was going to be final tomorrow so im terribly depressed & musta ate 900 crispy cremes today. he did text me to say he was thinking of me & that he would do it all over if he had the chance but he doesn't want to hurt me all over again. I texted back "i know" then he proceeded to write that he hadn't seen my new place. I wouldn't let him over till it was "put together" and then i said you aint scared to come over & he wrote no & that he'll get back to me later. So right now, I'm thinking if you really want to make your marriage work, you need to let go of me completely. Am I right here or no? That's what I would do but then I don't think between my legs. But i know he misses me &cares about me, but i don't need him to know where i live cuz what if he just pops up & that aint right cuz if he is staying with his wife well, eventually I'm gonna meet someone right? I am confused, he wants to see me but doesn't want to hurt me all over again. if you see me, i feel like it will be a goodbye that hurt like hell all over again. he just needs to leave me alone even tho i miss him & i hurt like a sob, but dang, i didn't expect him to say that stuff. tell me not to miss him............. What do I mean by "he was supposedly almost divorced, etc..?" I mean just that. He says he was due to be divorced. Hence a LOT of the work has been done, and it would take next to no time to get to that position again, if they cannot reconcile. Hence, just stay out of it if he's having second thoughts. And yes, you do need to think with your brain. Giving in to your desires will get you instant gratification and that's fine if that's what you want, but if that's all you want why ask for advice? Not that I'm knocking instant gratification... but if you want more, you have to have a little self-control
frannie Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 ... he called. I was driving around town, i'm trying hard to quit smoking too & believe me this situation is NOT helping. But a restricted number came up & I answered & no one said anything & then he said hello beautifu. Honestly, i didn't know it was him since i could hardly hear him & the whole restricted number thing. So he said "you dont' remember me anymore" & i just said, why did you block your number are you afraid i'm going to call? And he said no that his house phone came up that way. i just said uh uh, and he said you think bad of me now? Ask for NC from him. He has no business calling you up at this point and no business asking you if you 'think badly of him'. The guy sounds like a creep. And later on I read that you let him come round to your place. I know you feel for him and everything, but come on. He called of his (supposed) divorce at the last moment because his W wants another go... then he should be giving her another go. That doesn't mean coming round to your place and kissing you.
Author spoonfull Posted August 23, 2007 Author Posted August 23, 2007 Well, i've been miserable since sunday. and no, i haven't contacted him and he hasn't contacted me. i miss him like mad. i think about him all the time & everything that was said & done. It is like a normal break up right? This is a normal feeling right? I just think of so much & all the what ifs. I was thinking of their living arrangements. I totally forgot that she is living with a woman in a 2 bedroom apt with their 2 kids. That doesn't sound to permanent to me now that i'm thinking about it. you need at least a 2 bedroom for you & your kids right? I don't know, i'm just grieving i guess. i'm feeling like a rebound in the biggest way & i know the nc is the best way but i hate not hearing from him. i guess it's real tho, this is really happening, he's going back to her & i'm not in his life anymore. wow. i guess i'm still shocked. does anyone have any more cake i can eat?
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