In Turmoil

[angel377]

[COLOR=black]Hi I'm new to this site and desperately looking for a bit of advice. About 7 years ago I was reunited with my old childhood sweetheart quite by accident through a mutual friend. We lived 250 miles apart but began communicating by phone and Email. At the time we were both married. I however was thinking of divorce as I was very unhappy and had been that way for years. To my surprise so was he. The relationship was very innocent at first as they always are, however it did not take much time for the old feelings to blossom. We talked very honestly about what was happening between us and were committed not to hurt others in our lives. Of course that was a joke because divorce always hurts. Anyway I got my divorce knowing full well he would not at this point because of his children. I agreed to wait a few years for him until he felt his kids were emotionally ready to handle his leaving the house. So there begins my story. I relocated to be near this man and have lived the past 7 years with this promise. Our relationship is wonderful and we are together all the time. We spend most of every day together and travel quite a bit as well. Of course weekends are off limits as well as holidays and evenings for the most part. He does manage an overnighter once in a while. Any way this man is more attached to his children than any man I have ever known. And as much as I love what a great father he is I can't help wonder if he will ever be able to break the ties and leave his home. Deep down I guess I know the answer to all my questions regarding him but the thing I really need help with is how to walk away from someone you are so in love with? I am completely alone, my family lives 250 miles from me and because of our relationship I do not have any friends or support system. I want so badly to end this pain. I want to have a man of my own, who is free to be with me all the time and have a real life. But the pain I will have to endure to get to that point scares me to death. How will I function, how will I get over the pain of never seeing him again, how do you end a relationship when it is still great and you are both so much in love? I do not doubt this man loves me very much. He has moved heaven and earth for me and although he is not in a financial position to be of help to me, he cares for me in every way possible. Of course their are all the stories we have all heard about not loving the wife, they never have sex ect... Which we all want to believe for our own sanity. He keeps telling me to be patient that just a little while longer and his job will be done, His kids are off to college next year. I should also add at this point that he feels his kids are very immature and they depend on him for everything. Now weather that is true or only his over protective mind set I do not know. I have children as well but mine are grown and out on their own. So ladies what am I to do? How much longer should I wait for this man. I am getting older and my opportunities are quickly fading.[/COLOR][/COLOR]

 

[norajane]

7 years is a very long time to wait for a MM to leave his family, especially when he is making absolutely no move to do so.

 

If you spend all that time together, except for weekends and holidays when he is with his family, how much time is he spending with his kids, really? He'd be spending the same amount of time with them if he were divorced, wouldn't he? He's feeding you a time-worn, cliched line about the kids, about his wife, and about being patient.

 

So you leave him by telling him you need to get on with your own life in the hopes that you can have your OWN family and your OWN kids to love like he says he loves his. And then you cut off all contact. No phone calls, no emails, no visits, nothing.

 

Yes, it will be painful for a while, but not as painful as it will be 7 years from now when he's still with his wife and still making no moves to leave her while you wait. Not as painful as it will be after you've passed up man after man for one who is happy with the current arrangement of having you part time.

 

Good luck to you.

[Mino]

Do I understand correctly, You ALREADY waited 7 years, and the kids will be going to college next Year. HHHMMMM thats easy, wait another year, ( you waited already 7) but in the meantime, start enjoying your life, meet new friends, start a hobby, join a gym, travel, Good luck!

[frannie]

I would say, don't focus on ending things with him. It sounds like you have far too much invested in him leaving, and that's a dangerous place to be... it also makes him feel secure in you.

 

Focus on beginning to make an independent life for yourself. Join activities, find friends. You CAN do that. Begin to live for yourself and not as an appendage of his marriage. Once he sees those changes in you, he will have to start taking notice. Perhaps he'll never leave, but you have always known that was a possible outcome. Now that his children are much older than when you met, he has to address the future... or remain stuck.

 

Either way, you owe it to yourself to have a happy life, with him in it or not... not friendless and dependent.

[chokeholdonmyheart]

WOW 7 years of patience? I know it must be painful. 2 months in I was asked to wait 17 months and I think that's impossible (im just lingering now trying to see figure out what I want). But im not here to thread hijack.

 

 

Hmmm its a tough call after you've invested so much already into this. I say you have to tell him that you are going to give him an X amount of time (say one more year) if he doesn't get his act together, leave and dont look back. It's going to be so painful and stressful to leave, but it seems already painful and stressful to be there. And if after an ultimatum like that he doesnt do anything, you have to move on & dont give him another shot unless he comes knocking on your door with divorce papers.

 

 

PS where is the glosary of terms? I dont know what BS is.

[LucreziaBorgia]

 

PS where is the glosary of terms? I dont know what BS is.

 

BS = betrayed spouse