Once a BS now an OM/OW?

[addicted2love]

I"m curious to know how many people here have once been a BS and now find themselves in the role of the OW/OM or MM/MW or both.

 

This thread is not intended to start a giant debate between right and wrong. I simply would like to know how others feel about going from one to role to the other.

 

My background....my H had 2 A's years ago. I stayed w/ him, forgave him and moved on. Now years later I'm walking in his shoes. Was contacted by an exBF (he's married too) over a year ago and we have been having an EA. I have conflicting feelings because I know the damage my H's A's caused to me and I do feel guilty for my role in my A because I hate the thought of causing MM's W that same hurt I felt. Also I feel guilty for any hurt that I might cause my H if he found out. I think he would be more hurt by who it is. His A's were purely physical. My A has nothing to do with revenge. I have been in love w/ my MM for 18 years. He's the one that got away.

 

Just wondering if there are others out there that have been where I am and how they feel, think etc.

[Lyssa]

If I am not mistaken, there is a few. I'm sure you will be hearing from them soon. As for me, I'm just the OW. If you don't mind my asking you, how long now have you been having an EA with your MM?

[bish]

I was a BS and had the opportunity to become an OM...but I flat refused.

 

I won't abandon my principles.

[LucreziaBorgia]

My journey is opposite that. I was an OW many times over in my past, and cheated a-plenty in my relationships. Then ... I found someone, settled down and he cheated on me. The pain was absolutely horrible. I thought back to all the times I participated in inflicting that pain on someone else by cheating or helping someone else cheat, and its safe to say I am SOLIDLY reformed from being OW/WP, have been for a long time and will never go back to that. I never understood exactly how badly it can hurt a person to be cheated on until it happened to me, and I can't imagine myself ever inflicting that pain on someone else after that knowing how bad it can hurt.

 

I can understand someone going from OW to BS and learning a lesson and restructuring your life as a result, but to go from BS to OW? I'm not trying to be a smartass here, but I honestly don't understand how someone can go from a position of such pain, to being someone who knowingly inflicts it on someone else. You know how badly it hurt you - why on earth would you do it to someone else?

[Trialbyfire]

Theory only. It's might be the standard cycling in relationships that many people exhibit and not on a conscious level. This can be applicable to any kind of relationship.

 

People can recreate past relationships but put themselves in what they subconsciously view as the position of knowledge or power. A way to "fix" a past wrong enacted on them.

[simplegirl]

I was married for 10 yrs and I was the BS. My exH had a few one night stand A's and one relationship A. It wasn't until the relationship A came out that I found out about everything else. I am now the OW. I did not intentionally fall into the position of OW and I do feel bad and guilty knowing the amount of pain that can be felt by the BS. My marriage became better after the A's but we couldn't make it work for other reasons and got D 3 yrs later. When I got D I was in a bad place emotionally and met my MM. I am not real sure how I ended up here but I am now coming to a point where I know things need to change. I love him but too many people are involved that can be really hurt.

[RealityCheck]

I loved my H completely. We shared many common interests and I honestly can say neither one of us let ourselves go in appearance and seriously; the sexual passion was very present. Actually my exH will whole-heartedly admit that to this day! The pain when I discovered of his infidelity was something that one really cannot put into words. My entire body shut down. I couldn’t eat, sleep or focus. I was living dead! I forgave him and tried to work it out, however the dynamic changed. The trust was killed and the passion died with it! He paid a very high price with his infidelity because I left.

 

I became an OW seven years after my divorce. The A was on and off for about 8 months. I enjoyed our time when we were together, however abhorred the times not together. I could not stand the conflicting thoughts roaming my head when we were not together such as; For me to even admit that I never gave any consideration to his W would be an out right lie. For me to admit that I never considered my MM as selfish would be a lie! For me to admit that I never considered myself as the same selfish person participating in the A would be a lie! I could not shut off the ongoing conflict inside my head therefore I chose to end the A. Way too much drama! I felt horrible

 

These were my thoughts. They may not be how others feel in their experience as an OW or as a BS and are not expected too! My thoughts are simply mine.

[lindya]

Theory only. It's might be the standard cycling in relationships that many people exhibit and not on a conscious level. This can be applicable to any kind of relationship.

 

People can recreate past relationships but put themselves in what they subconsciously view as the position of knowledge or power. A way to "fix" a past wrong enacted on them.

 

I agree with that. I think people sometimes get hooked on the idea of gaining power, as a way of compensating for earlier feelings of being a victim, to the extent that nothing else really matters, and empathy for others is lost.

 

Maybe a lot depends on how a person views themselves as they were when in the victim role. If there's a fair bit of shame and self-loathing there ("I was such an idiot....so gullible....got shafted....all my fault..."). Once the person believes they've put distance between who they were then, and who they are now, there might be a lot of resistance against identifying with other "victims". A desire to feel that one is on the winning side. Possibly in some cases that could translate into a conscious enjoyment of adopting the role of persecutor ("This means I'm not a victim any more!").

 

When you read some of the more toxic threads here, you can see some of those thought processes playing out. That kind of thing sucks people right in, because we all at some stage get embroiled in drama triangles and feel/worry about being victims - or experience the temptation to play persecutor as a means of feeling more powerful.

 

Maybe a lot depends on how a person (as the BW) perceives the person who cheated on them - and also how they perceived that person's lover. I've been in that situation, and all I can really say about either party is that I don't respect who they were or what they did. Were I to emulate their behaviour now, having been through that, I think I'd have to lose a very important part of myself - not least my self respect. It would cancel out a lot of important learning.

 

If, on the other hand, a person secretly admires and craves to be like the individuals who caused them pain then perhaps that leads to a very different outcome.

[addicted2love]

Thank you all for sharing your stories, thoughts and opinions.

Some of you know my story as I've been around for a while but have laid low due to personal attacks here on LS in the past.

 

I fight the conflict of becoming what I hated every day.

I personally never blamed the OW involved in my H's A. I felt that she was duped by him as I was w/ the lies and false promises etc.

 

The guilt I feel in my situation is mainly in regard for MM's W. She doesn't deserve to be hurt. Truly my H doesn't either. In my situation MM isn't someone I've just met. He's someone who's been in my heart since I was very young. Before we met and married our spouses. I think that is what would hurt our BS's the most. Not the A itself but the fact that we have been on each others minds and in each others hearts long before we made our vows to them.

 

MM and I talk about the guilt and the double lives we lead and it tears us apart as individuals but we both feel powerless in the situation. We have a connection between us that is so much deeper than either one of us can explain. We both know it isn't fair to our spouses and families. We've tried to walk away from each other many times but our feelings for each other always lead us right back.

 

There are those who say that if we both feel so strongly then we should do the right thing and either set our spouses free or let go of each other. That day may come but in the mean time there are children and careers and finances and responsibilities that keep us where we are. It's not as simple as both of us getting a D so that we can be together. It's the worst emotional termoil I've ever felt in my life. Even worse than the extreme pain I felt when I discovered my H's A.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree with that. I think people sometimes get hooked on the idea of gaining power, as a way of compensating for earlier feelings of being a victim, to the extent that nothing else really matters, and empathy for others is lost.

 

Maybe a lot depends on how a person views themselves as they were when in the victim role. If there's a fair bit of shame and self-loathing there ("I was such an idiot....so gullible....got shafted....all my fault..."). Once the person believes they've put distance between who they were then, and who they are now, there might be a lot of resistance against identifying with other "victims". A desire to feel that one is on the winning side. Possibly in some cases that could translate into a conscious enjoyment of adopting the role of persecutor ("This means I'm not a victim any more!").

 

When you read some of the more toxic threads here, you can see some of those thought processes playing out. That kind of thing sucks people right in, because we all at some stage get embroiled in drama triangles and feel/worry about being victims - or experience the temptation to play persecutor as a means of feeling more powerful.

 

Maybe a lot depends on how a person (as the BW) perceives the person who cheated on them - and also how they perceived that person's lover. I've been in that situation, and all I can really say about either party is that I don't respect who they were or what they did. Were I to emulate their behaviour now, having been through that, I think I'd have to lose a very important part of myself - not least my self respect. It would cancel out a lot of important learning.

 

If, on the other hand, a person secretly admires and craves to be like the individuals who caused them pain then perhaps that leads to a very different outcome.

This is exactly it. During the time of discovery and the damaging period afterwards, I despised both the cheater and the OW. I would never stoop so low to firstly, get involved with someone else with a cheaters mentality (NPD inclusive) or to put someone else through the pain that I experienced from being dragged in as a third party to the sickness of the affair, kicking and screaming. I'd rather slit my wrists on the spot, rather than allow any feelings to develop for a MM or be willing to accept crumbs from someone of that ilk. Worse yet, I would never stoop so low as to damage someone else, the way I was damaged through the selfish process.

[RealityCheck]

I agree with that. I think people sometimes get hooked on the idea of gaining power, as a way of compensating for earlier feelings of being a victim, to the extent that nothing else really matters, and empathy for others is lost.

 

Maybe a lot depends on how a person views themselves as they were when in the victim role. If there's a fair bit of shame and self-loathing there ("I was such an idiot....so gullible....got shafted....all my fault..."). Once the person believes they've put distance between who they were then, and who they are now, there might be a lot of resistance against identifying with other "victims". A desire to feel that one is on the winning side. Possibly in some cases that could translate into a conscious enjoyment of adopting the role of persecutor ("This means I'm not a victim any more!").

 

When you read some of the more toxic threads here, you can see some of those thought processes playing out. That kind of thing sucks people right in, because we all at some stage get embroiled in drama triangles and feel/worry about being victims - or experience the temptation to play persecutor as a means of feeling more powerful.

 

Maybe a lot depends on how a person (as the BW) perceives the person who cheated on them - and also how they perceived that person's lover. I've been in that situation, and all I can really say about either party is that I don't respect who they were or what they did. Were I to emulate their behaviour now, having been through that, I think I'd have to lose a very important part of myself - not least my self respect. It would cancel out a lot of important learning.

 

If, on the other hand, a person secretly admires and craves to be like the individuals who caused them pain then perhaps that leads to a very different outcome.

 

There is alot of valuable information in this post.

 

Though I can say for me, it was not my sub-conscious as the role as a BS that lead me to my A. I was long past the emotional baggage before my A happened. There was a whole wack of other life circumstances surrounding me at the time that lead me to play out the selfishness.

[GreenEyedLady]

I guess I am technically a BS, but my situation is somewhat unique...I did not leave because of the A, per se...Our M was miserable, I was miserable...He became someone that I didn't like or identify with at all...we married too young...we didn't have similar goals...we should never have gotten married...

 

He was with another man...I watched them fall in love and I bowed out because I could see that our M was just a cover and that we could not have the M or R that I wanted...But I didn't have the same or even similar feelings heard from the BS's here, so that's why I don't really identify with them...And I never exposed him...But people know...

 

I became an OW because I was lied to by my partner about his status...Nothing in my subconscious, not low self-esteem, not intimacy problems...

 

And I remain an OW (for now) because I love him...and I know he loves me...

[RealityCheck]

I guess I am technically a BS, but my situation is somewhat unique...I did not leave because of the A, per se...Our M was miserable, I was miserable...He became someone that I didn't like or identify with at all...we married too young...we didn't have similar goals...we should never have gotten married...

 

He was with another man...I watched them fall in love and I bowed out because I could see that our M was just a cover and that we could not have the M or R that I wanted...But I didn't have the same or even similar feelings heard from the BS's here, so that's why I don't really identify with them...And I never exposed him...But people know...

 

I became an OW because I was lied to by my partner about his status...Nothing in my subconscious, not low self-esteem, not intimacy problems...

 

And I remain an OW (for now) because I love him...and I know he loves me...

 

 

Yes Gel...

 

There are different scenerios to everything! Not all travel the same. You know, I appreciate your honesty and remaining true to yourself in whatever choices you make.

 

For me I can identify with some perceptions, some not! I take what I want and leave the rest.

[lovernotafighter]

I was a BS to..I am not having a revenge affair actually if anything I realise allot of what and why my husband had his, and it has not to much to do with him at all.