Should I break up with my girlfriend -- Long post...

[totem]

I feel a little stupid writing here... I just found this on Google and don't know who else to turn to.

 

I'm 23. I've dated plenty in my life, but the last 2 and a half years have all been with one terrific girl.

 

The issue is trust and alcohol. She's not a full blown alcoholic, but she does have a problem. She drinks by herself sometimes. She invites me over for dinner, and feels the need to drink before I get there. She lies to me about drinking -- I have to find her stashed bottle(s) of smirnoff or wine, and then practically pull teeth to get her to tearfully confess to it.

 

I'm not a narc by any means. She has notoriously been a sloppy drunk in our past. It started with me asking her to not drink so much when we go out -- she did anyways. It continued with me asking her not to drink at all when we go out (I wouldn't drink either, or I would drink in moderation so that she wouldn't feel alienated) -- she would agree, and then sneak off and take shots. It continued with us no longer going to bars together, or any social scenes that had alcohol.

 

Then several times I caught her drunk/buzzed at her house while I was over and confronted her about it. After the second time, I told her that if she lied to me about it again we'd have problems. It happened again. And again. And I continued to increase the seriousness of my responses to the point where TWICE I've said "If you lie to me about this again, we're through."

 

And yet she's done it again. Make no mistake, I know how hard alcoholism is to beat -- but like I said, she's not a full blown alcoholic. I've tried going sober with her (I rarely drink, and usually do it in moderation when I do), I've tried supporting her. She claims to have gone to a couple AA meetings, but I have no way to verify that -- she doesn't go anymore.

 

The problem is, that for a girl who I absolutely adore otherwise, this drinking/lying thing has broken the relationship. I find myself less attracted to her, and less trusting of her. I find myself pointing out her shortcomings to myself and getting angry at myself for being with her. The fact that I've staked our relationship on it more than twice already and we're still together should tell you how much I enjoy her -- either that or how much I'm being manipulated. She's not a bad person. She adores me back. We are tremendously happy together aside from this issue... and it's a BIG issue. What else could she be lying to me about, I wonder?

 

I have to find out about it myself, during a quiet night of rented movies and dinner, and then force a confession out of her, rather than her just being honest with me. I've told her if she would just be honest with me when she's had a drink, we'd work through it together. No such luck.

 

So I guess I'm just looking for advice. Tonight I quasi-officially broke up with her. Last night I was at her house and found her stashed bottle of wine, after noticing her acting strangely. I stormed out, leaving her in tears, wanting to drive my car off a bridge.

 

The very next day (today) she calls me and invites me to a movie. I decide it's best not to string her along. I tell her if she wants to talk, then we'll talk, but that it won't be a social visit. She starts talking strange, slurring her words, and I call her out on drinking again. Sure enough, the night after I told her I was thinking about breaking up with her, she calls me, drunk, wanting to "talk."

 

I did the gentlemanly thing and gave her a ride home from the movie theater where she was going to meet me. She was definitely drunk. She was in tears. I was enraged. I told her to get out of my car and not to call me. It took a while, but she got out. She stood next to the passenger door for a moment, and put up her hands in a "I don't know what to tell you" gesture. I did the same, and then drove away with her still standing there in tears outside of her house.

 

Is this girl a lost cause? Is it worth working through something like this, when repeatedly (5 ... maybe 6 times) she's shown me that she is not going to change without some serious professional help.

 

I've been dumped before, and I know how that hurts. But I can safely say nothing has ever hurt as bad as I feel for knowing that I'm ending what otherwise has been a terrific, memorable experience with this girl. I can't let her keep hurting me, and I can't let her keep lying to me. There's no more serious way that I can put it to her. The last time it happened I said "If you lie to me again, we're breaking up." And here we are...

 

What hurts the most is how much I know this will hurt her. I can't stand to think of her crying to herself at night, nestled up with her cat, by herself.

 

Should I stick to my guns despite the hurt it's going to cause both of us, when we're otherwise "blissful?" Should I insist, again, that she resume AA meetings? Should I talk to her parents about it (doesn't seem like my place).

 

She's my best friend in the world, and it's painful to thing of not having my buddy to hang out with and be happy with anymore. I know that "staying friends" is possible, but I know that to get there, there has to be a SOLID breakup, and a SOLID amount of away time.

 

She's likely in an alcohol-induced sleep right now. I haven't talked to her since I drove away, although she called several times and left voicemails pleading for me to answer. I know that if I answered, she'd just beg me to drive back and stay with her... and that's just not happening.

 

Should I break up with her? Should we go on a break? Should I get back together with her and hope for the best? I want to hurt her as little as possible. She's my friend and I care about her immensely. But I still care about myself too.

 

Sorry for writing an epic poem... I don't have anyone else to talk to about this and it's killing me very quickly.

 

Thanks to anyone who has the patience to read, and wisdom to provide insight.

[Citizen Erased]

She has clearly shown she is not willing to stop. She is probably telling herself that she is too young to have an addiction, no-one in their early 20's are alcoholics etc etc. Fact is, she has show obviously she is one, but you are going to be put through the wringer trying to get her to accept and deal with it.

 

My instinct would be to automatically leave. I am very anti-alcohol myself (in moderation is fine, but I refuse to surround myself with alcoholics at all) so I am pretty biased lol. But this is an uphill battle which will probably be lost. Only she can find it within herself to stop this, and she has shown you time and time again she isn't willing to do so.

 

So yes, my advice to you is to break up with her. Even if she deals with this addiction, your relationship has already taken a hard hit, and will likely only deteriorate further.

[totem]

Thanks for taking the time to read all of that, and for your insight. As far as maintaining some semblance of a relationship with her... what should I do? As I said, she's literally my best friend, and not just my girlfriend. I can deal with not having her for a while, but I want to be able to some day enjoy her company again.

 

Do I just flat out break up? Or do I say we can be friends? Or what? I desperately don't want to lose the friendship. I know you don't have a definite answer, but I'm just trying to get a feel for this.

 

I forgot to mention something that might be important and relevant...

 

Her father was a full blown alcoholic for some time. He has since gone completely clean for quite some time as well. Would it be wise for me to write him a humble letter about our break up? Would it be helpful to her to have her family involved in it, rather than just me?

 

She does have a problem, but this problem occurs at relatively rare intervals and it's not a completely dominant and overpowering aspect of her life 100% of the time. I'm just trying to gauge how far I should go with this in order to maybe preserve some of the friendship...

[LucreziaBorgia]

As you have seen, trying to fix her life is destroying yours.

 

She won't stop until she wants to stop. People with addictions don't stop them for altruistic reasons, so you can forget trying to get her to stop on your behalf. Perhaps one day she will wake up to her problem, and want to stop. Any support you give by being there for her, is nothing more than enabling. She knows you aren't going anywhere, so why give up her addiction?

 

Sometimes an addict has to lose everything, and I mean everything before they will accept that they have a problem. As long as any aspect of life is still working for them, they will hold on to that addiction - because they can.

[BlueEyedSarah]

totem, you can't change her, you warned her and she still didn't listen. Sounds like she is turning into a full blown alcholic. Tell her parents that you see she is drinking too much and you could not handle the relationship with that right now. See if they can make her go to an AA meeting, maybe they can take her there. Even though you care about her you can't put up with this behaviour from her.

[popperstrike]

man, I'm sorry to hear about this...my friend went through the same exact thing last year....

He told me all about it before and what he suggested is breaking up..and getting her some kind of help at the same time. She is gonna hate you for that decision but she will thank you by the end.

My friend did this, at first she swore and threatened to kill herself, etc and hated him for about 6 months. But after rehab and other medical assistant, they are best friends now, and they are dating once again...

 

I dont know if this helped but hoep you got something out of it

[totem]

all of the advice has helped a lot. i'm still not sure what i'll end up doing with her break-up/stay-together wise, but i know that i'm going to get her help one way or another. that's what's really important to me right now. i don't know if she needs rehab, because like I said, this seems to only happen every couple of months... pretty isolated incidents.

 

definitely a counselor or something to that effect, though. a breakup would hurt me as much as it would hurt her, so i don't know if i'm feeling quite that masochistic yet. time will tell. thanks for all of the advice, everyone.