looking for guidance - just starting out

[Hoping For the Best]

I found this sight from a random google search looking for advice/support. I'm thrilled and plan to stay up all night reading more as many threads as I can.

 

My story:

1 and a half years ago I graduated from college, moved to a new state, and started working at the job of my dreams (its still great!).

 

There are no women who work there under the age of 40, but being an engineer I'm already used to having all male friends. So I naturally quickly became good friends with the men in my office that I worked with despite their being aged 35 - 65.

 

After many many months of lunches, jokes, working late, etc I started having strong feelings for one of them but kept it to myself because he was 44 and had been living with his GF (and her two kids from a previous marriage) for 5 years. So he's not married...but might as well be.

 

However, after several months we really started getting closer and closer as friends and he began to ask me to go places with him such as the movies or furniture shopping. I knew he was unhappy in his relationship, but we never talked about what we were doing by spending time together.

 

Finally after 6 months of spending an inappropriate amount of time together we finally kissed and shortly after we started having sex.

 

He immediately wanted to know my intentions and if I thought I was interested in more than just an affiar. We discussed the fact that we both felt seriously about each other but that the age difference is a big issue and that he would have to decide if he still wanted to try to repair his R with his long time GF.

 

I understand that things don't happen overnight. I can understand that decisions like this shouldn't be made lightly by either of us. We talk often about his R with his GF. I can only assume he's not lying, but he says he stopped sleeping with her way before he and I ever did. He insists he never knows anything that she and the kids are up to. And she did take her kids for a 1 month vacation alone this summer without him. We work together, so I know exactly how much time he's at work, when he goes home, and how much time he spends working on his business that he owns. So I believe that they don't talk or speak to each other at this point.

 

Now its been 9 months (since we finally kissed). So far I have NOT told him he must choose. I believe he has not done it on his own because he is stressed and overworked and its much easier to just go with the status quo. There are also the facts that she doesn't have a job and that he supports her kids...but we both know that wouldn't stop him if he really wanted to be with me. He has told me once on his own that he was fed up and DONE, but our relationship has lost the momentum of a new affair and I think it he will let this go on indefinately until something outside of his control forces a change.

 

His GF figured us out several months ago and is VERY angry and upset. She has the right to be. However, I do honestly believe she is not in love with him and is more upset about being cheated on and the fact that without him she has no job, no money, and no easy support. No matter what happens, I don't think SHE will be the one ending the R.

 

So this is getting long and winded, but now i'm to the part where I need advice. Despite our age difference I really do feel that we are meant for each other and hope to have this have a happy ending for the two of us.

 

So my question is....How do you know when the time is right to tell him he must choose?

 

I'm tired of the extreme highs of spending a few hours with him followed by the extreme lows of when he rushes out the door. I'm tired of sleeping alone at night. I'm tired of not being able to get hugs until we are alone. I'm tired.

 

I THINK I have enough sense to leave him if he refuses. And I THINK I won't fall into his trap and let 5 years go by waiting around for him. But I also am afriad that he won't choose me. I don't want to push him too soon...but I also am afriad I'm already too late.

 

I'm still hoping for the best. So any advice is welcomed!

[Mino]

Wecome to our rollercoaster, I hope you have your seatbelt on, because it will be one of your toughest rides in your life. Leave now, if you still can, I have been on for 3 years, When i find the brakes I will tell you. Read our post, learn quickly and then jump OFF , take care

[frannie]

He immediately wanted to know my intentions and if I thought I was interested in more than just an affiar. We discussed the fact that we both felt seriously about each other but that the age difference is a big issue and that he would have to decide if he still wanted to try to repair his R with his long time GF.

 

So far I have NOT told him he must choose.

 

 

Reading what you put above, it seems like he asked you where you thought it was going (or wanted it to go), and since you say you haven't told him he 'must choose'... haven't you basically said (by your actions) that continuing as you are is fine with you? I suppose this is what you're asking or realising at this point?

 

Looking at this situation, he has two women who seem prepared to accept half of him each. Has his g/f not said he must choose (do you know)? And you haven't either. So... where is his incentive to do anything at all. Again, that's probably what you're saying.

 

You're really only surmising her feelings, and can have no real clue. It's easy to say oh she doesn't love him, and she's only there because she has no job and no money. But whatever her reasons, whatever her feelings, unless she's through she's not through, and if she wants him and can forgive him then your feelings may be irrelevant to the outcome. I am just wondering about the timescale of all this... you say you've been having sex with him for 9 months, and she found out 'several months' ago. Does she know he's still seeing you..?

 

I'm wondering why the both of you are so seemingly ok for him to continue... it doesn't sound like the usual script at all. I'm especially wondering why you've taken so long to think about telling him you don't just want to be someone on the side..? Is it because you feel he should do the work here, make decisions and make changes in his life without your stating what you will and won't accept? Because that's pretty unlikely.

 

The only other thing I'd add is that an OW telling the MM he must choose is virtually pointless in any case... telling is just words. If you continue to see him, and have sex with him, you're basically saying 'here have me too', no matter what noises you make about choosing.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I

1. Now its been 9 months (since we finally kissed). So far I have NOT told him he must choose. I believe he has not done it on his own because he is stressed and overworked and its much easier to just go with the status quo.

 

2. So my question is....How do you know when the time is right to tell him he must choose?

 

 

1. He isn't choosing because he doesn't have to. His GF knows and isn't kicking him out, and you are allowing him to continue using you on the side. Why would he choose? He gets what he wants from you both, with no real repercussions or consequences. Neither of you are giving him a choice to make, so why would he have to make any choices?

 

2. There is no magic 'right time'. The 'right time' is when you come to the place in your life where you are willing to stand up for yourself and what you want: even if it means that you might lose him. The 'right time' is when you reach the point where you would be willing to take the risk of letting him go. Until you reach that point, you are never going to be more than you are now: a girl that some guy with a girlfriend sees on the side.

 

He won't choose you out of the goodness of his heart. He will only choose when he is given a clear cut choice to make, and REAL consequences to face depending on his choice.

 

If you want him to make a choice, then give him one to make. Let him know that until he is free to be with you - meaning he no longer lives with his girlfriend, and has all of his legal custody/visitation/support paperwork in order - then he can be with you as much as he wants. As long as he is still living with his girlfriend and is still 'with' her, he is not to have any non-work contact with you WHATSOEVER. If he tries to talk to you, remind him of your terms and cut off the conversation. Literally turn and walk away if he tries to talk to you. "Still have a girlfriend? Sorry, you can't have me."

 

That is the only way to knock him off the fence. Give him a choice, and stick to your guns. He will either come to you, or he won't - either way, you win. If he comes to you, you have your man (and his child support, visitation, lifetime connection with his GF, etc but that is a whole 'nother can of worms) - if he doesn't you have rid your life of someone who never intended to do anything more than use you on the side. The limited contact will give you the opportunity to get your head and heart back together so you can move on.

 

There are plenty of younger, less 'baggage ridden' guys out there.

[Love4Eternity]

welcome aboard...I am a mw with a mm and i can honestly say i have no long term expectation of my mm, maybe because im married and he is married and we both have an agreement that suits us both but being single and being with a mm/mw is different from what i have read on here, the expections seem to be greater and more in demand. Personally if i were single i would not settle for the mm if he is cheating on his wife or if a married woman is cheating on her husband chances are they will cheat on you as well, thats a gamble you take when you fall for this person and want to be with them. If i were you, play his little game for as long as you can handle it but in the mean time dont stop your life for him, date meet other people and then let him see that you will not stop your life for him while he goes back and forth on his ltr .. maybe this isnt the best advice but its just my opinion and thoughts you have to do what is best for you and not worry about him and his ltr with this other woman..your young and you have everything going for you dont settle for anything less then what you deserve!!

[frannie]

If he comes to you, you have your man (and his child support, visitation, lifetime connection with his GF, etc but that is a whole 'nother can of worms) - if he doesn't you have rid your life of someone who never intended to do anything more than use you on the side. The limited contact will give you the opportunity to get your head and heart back together so you can move on.

 

There are plenty of younger, less 'baggage ridden' guys out there.

 

They're not married, and they're not his kids. So unless he's adopted them (which hasn't been stated here), he has a lot less financial baggage than other MM.

 

On the other side of that, if that's the case, then he also may not have any visitation/connection rights with them either. And that may be a factor to be considered.

[lost4ever]

Hey, welcome, Read the advice you have received and they state one thing, RUN! some will say to stay but make it known were you stand until you can't anymore, some will say do NC untill he decides, some will say it is already a lost cause, but they all say RUN...My opinion is this. you are already to the point were you do not like this R (wouldn't be googling for help on a Friday night it you did, sorry) (that was not a dis, the only thing I do with my weekends is read these post) The longer you stay in this R the more resentment you will have, you will start to wonder about everything he says, and does, trying to find the hidden meaning, the sign that says he really want to be with you (and we are talking about men, most of them don't do the whole, hidden meaning thing) You will slowly start to go crazy, wondering if you can keep a picture of him in your condo, or is that a little crazy because he is not really YOUR boyfriend, and what will you tell people when they ask who is that, Oh that's my BF, why haven't I met him, wellll...ummm...Your ego will take a hit as well, you will not notice it of course, but you'll get your hair done, and he will think your hot, but he still don't leave (maybe he likes redheads) you'll go on vacation and have a great time, but he still don't leave (maybe he would have rather gone mountain climbing), you get a promotion, he still don't leave, (maybe he likes the idea of a women who stays home so he can take care of her)...or maybe he does leave and you will notice that he stares off in the distance, is he thinking of her? Is he wondering if he made the right choice, YES, welcome to the ride of your life, sorry to tell your the first stop is insanity!!

[whichwayisup]

We talk often about his R with his GF. I can only assume he's not lying, but he says he stopped sleeping with her way before he and I ever did.

 

No, you ASSUME he's lying. Why would he not lie to you? He's lying to his girlfriend. Ofcourse he is going to make 'whatever' problems in his relationship worse than what they really are.

 

His GF figured us out several months ago and is VERY angry and upset. She has the right to be. However, I do honestly believe she is not in love with him and is more upset about being cheated on and the fact that without him she has no job, no money, and no easy support. No matter what happens, I don't think SHE will be the one ending the R.

 

You aren't inside her head, so saying that she isn't inlove with him anymore is your own spin on it. Maybe to justify your affair with him, I don't know... And yes, she is upset. She is pissed off. The guy who is her common-law husband (living together, and he IS a stepparent to her children) just cheated on her so she does have a right to feel that way. I'm glad that you see that though. Imagine being in her shoes...

 

Now that she knows are you going to go after him? Or are you going to end it, give him space? If he really does love you, he'll find a way to end it with her. He won't end it if you push him to.

[bish]

My advice? Don't go down that road. He is too old and too taken.

You will regret it later.....or what? He'll have a sagging sack and ass in the next 10 years and you'll not think he is looking so hot anymore.

[HappyAtLast]

truly. If this man loves you, he will work out his situation and follow you. If he does not, you are far better off. Do not involved yourself in this.

[simplegirl]

I have been on this grand roller coaster for 3 years now. In the beginning it was all wonderful, no expectations for either of us but things changed and feelings got involved. Now it is much harder but you do come to a point in your life where they have to choose. Meaning you walk away and if he is ready to follow he will. I know, great advice coming from some one that is still the OW. If I could go back I would like to say I would do things much differently but I do love him. My advice to you, if this is still fairly new go now! Walk away because the highs are great but the lows are horrible! They will become lows that you have never experienced before but you will continue in the A because you will think the highs make it worth while. You will eventually live for the highs and quit living the rest of your life for however long it takes you to realize there is so much more to life than this! If it is too late and you just can't bring yourself to walk away my advice would be do not stop your life for him. Do not make him the center of your life. Go out, have fun, let him go to voice mail every once in a while. Make him a bonus not your life.

[Cliche]

You're too young and bright for this. I'm in agreement with all the others. Run, if you still can. If you can't run and it's already too late, and you're already emotionally in too deep, then stay around and we'll all try to figure our lives out together...see how it all plays out in the end.

[Mino]

Hey, welcome, Read the advice you have received and they state one thing, RUN! some will say to stay but make it known were you stand until you can't anymore, some will say do NC untill he decides, some will say it is already a lost cause, but they all say RUN...My opinion is this. you are already to the point were you do not like this R (wouldn't be googling for help on a Friday night it you did, sorry) (that was not a dis, the only thing I do with my weekends is read these post) The longer you stay in this R the more resentment you will have, you will start to wonder about everything he says, and does, trying to find the hidden meaning, the sign that says he really want to be with you (and we are talking about men, most of them don't do the whole, hidden meaning thing) You will slowly start to go crazy, wondering if you can keep a picture of him in your condo, or is that a little crazy because he is not really YOUR boyfriend, and what will you tell people when they ask who is that, Oh that's my BF, why haven't I met him, wellll...ummm...Your ego will take a hit as well, you will not notice it of course, but you'll get your hair done, and he will think your hot, but he still don't leave (maybe he likes redheads) you'll go on vacation and have a great time, but he still don't leave (maybe he would have rather gone mountain climbing), you get a promotion, he still don't leave, (maybe he likes the idea of a women who stays home so he can take care of her)...or maybe he does leave and you will notice that he stares off in the distance, is he thinking of her? Is he wondering if he made the right choice, YES, welcome to the ride of your life, sorry to tell your the first stop is insanity!!

Great Post, I love the line of the first stop is insanity, So very very true.

[PoshPrincess]

My advice? Don't go down that road. He is too old and too taken.

You will regret it later.....or what? He'll have a sagging sack and ass in the next 10 years and you'll not think he is looking so hot anymore.

 

Very good point. I did the older man thing in my 20s and it's true! As I started getting older, so did they (obviously) and when I was 26 and going out with a man who was coming up to his 50th birthday I thought "Time to go!" and this man was pretty good for his age!

 

Aside from this, Hoping, and taking 'older man' out of the equation, maybe you should give him the ultimatum. I regret doing this but your man isn't married, and they aren't his kids, so has a lot less invested in the R with his GF than MM do! At least if you do this you will know where you stand. If he tells you he won't leave then get the hell out while you can. The heartache isn't worth hanging on for!

[lovernotafighter]

welcome aboard...I am a mw with a mm and i can honestly say i have no long term expectation of my mm, maybe because im married and he is married and we both have an agreement that suits us both but being single and being with a mm/mw is different from what i have read on here, the expections seem to be greater and more in demand. Personally if i were single i would not settle for the mm if he is cheating on his wife or if a married woman is cheating on her husband chances are they will cheat on you as well, thats a gamble you take when you fall for this person and want to be with them.

 

If i were you, play his little game for as long as you can handle it but in the mean time dont stop your life for him, date meet other people and then let him see that you will not stop your life for him while he goes back and forth on his ltr .. maybe this isnt the best advice but its just my opinion and thoughts you have to do what is best for you and not worry about him and his ltr with this other woman..your young and you have everything going for you dont settle for anything less then what you deserve!!

 

 

you are like me then, I am also a MW with a MM and that makes things much much different. however my MM would dangle that future carrot in front of me all the time till I couldn't take it and decided to call him to the mat, but that is neither here nor there.

 

but I'd like to think if I was dating him as a single woman then dating and anything else I want to do when he isnt around should not be ever put under a micro scope till he wants to do something about, either sh%^ or get off the pot, right?

 

HFTB only you will know when that time is best for you. when you are feed up to the teeth and figure well I will have to live with out him if he doesnt chosse me then go ahead and do it.

 

if you think you can't handle him not being there for you in any capsity then dont tell him, there is no point in given him a choice but then allowing him back in to your life after if he doesn't choose you...and thats what will happen because he'll get the call you are in pain and he will return and it will happen all over again...wait untill you are ready.

[SanDiegoGuy]

Hey, welcome, Read the advice you have received and they state one thing, RUN! some will say to stay but make it known were you stand until you can't anymore, some will say do NC untill he decides, some will say it is already a lost cause, but they all say RUN...My opinion is this. you are already to the point were you do not like this R (wouldn't be googling for help on a Friday night it you did, sorry) (that was not a dis, the only thing I do with my weekends is read these post) The longer you stay in this R the more resentment you will have, you will start to wonder about everything he says, and does, trying to find the hidden meaning, the sign that says he really want to be with you (and we are talking about men, most of them don't do the whole, hidden meaning thing) You will slowly start to go crazy, wondering if you can keep a picture of him in your condo, or is that a little crazy because he is not really YOUR boyfriend, and what will you tell people when they ask who is that, Oh that's my BF, why haven't I met him, wellll...ummm...Your ego will take a hit as well, you will not notice it of course, but you'll get your hair done, and he will think your hot, but he still don't leave (maybe he likes redheads) you'll go on vacation and have a great time, but he still don't leave (maybe he would have rather gone mountain climbing), you get a promotion, he still don't leave, (maybe he likes the idea of a women who stays home so he can take care of her)...or maybe he does leave and you will notice that he stares off in the distance, is he thinking of her? Is he wondering if he made the right choice, YES, welcome to the ride of your life, sorry to tell your the first stop is insanity!!

 

+1. Couldn't agree more! I am the OM involved with a MW for a year. I'm in deep, and these decisions are not easy. If only our head and heart could agree. But, she's right. It ain't all roses and champagne and "God, this is so different from anything I've ever experienced". And even if it IS.....you're still on the roller coaster. You want to always have your phone close in case he cals? Cancel other opportunities in case he suddenly becomes available? Want to jump up every time the phone rings and check the caller ID? Want someone to swing by every now and again and get naked then spend the next week wondering where they are and what they are doing (knowing full where exactly where he is sleeping...)? Great. You got it. Welcome to the club. (no sarcasm intended....cause it SUCKS)