alpha70 Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 Dating a girl for bout 7 months now. She comes from a broken home and has some personal issues. She's been cheated on by 2 men she was very close with. She has moved from place to place never finding a home......34 times she has moved!! Things began to go bad during her latest move where she moved about 15 miles. She was very stressed because she moved again.....her landlord was a freak so she moved out early and into another place. She tells me that I "wasn't there" for her enough during the moving process. I am in school and had a paper to write, but I agree that there was one day in particular that I should have been there for her and I wasn't. This really began her to start thinking that I was going to be this guy she couldn't count on or really didn't love her. Through a couple other incidence she has viewed me as a person who isn't understanding or empathetic to her needs..her moving situation. I am a very communicative person and she has trouble communicating. She tells me that she NEVER will ask for my help...just the way she grew up, so I'm supposed to just jump in and help her, which is fine...I just needed to get to know these things about her. She moved in with me just for a few weeks until she could move into her new place. One night(3 days in) I came home from school and she was pretty exhausted lying on my bed. I had a long day as well. She said about 3 things to me and then went back to sleep. Anyway, I guess I was a bit selfish and when I climbed into bed I turned her towards me to say goodnight....kinda sarcastically and she flipped out on me cause I kind of woke her up. Stormed down into the guest bedroom. Next day I apologized on a yellow sticky and went into the bedroom and kissed her on her forehead and said have a nice day. I know this didn't make it better but it's the only thing I could do at the time. I came home that night and she had taken EVERYTHING of hers and moved out completely!! I was stunned! She had taken a sick day from work to do this. She didn't leave a note a txt or voice mail for me. This to me was crazy. anyone else???
frd150 Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 Alpha, My Ex did something hauntingly similar. In a nutshell we both became so involved with our careers. On my end I was saving to buy a bigger house and the ring she wanted, I cant speak for her. She didnt have a moving problem just a homelife in where she didnt feel apprecieated. And I cant say as I blame her. Dont get me wrong otherwise her family is great. She was also cheated on by someone she gave a second chance to. Could be why Im sitting where I am. I DIDNT CHEAT ON HER. Just wanted to be clear on that. Well the night before it happened Things were a bit wierd. I tolde her that the next day(Monday) I was going to leave work so we could spend the day together. So Monday I woke up with her and we had a great morning. I left for my short day at work with a kiss,hug and an I love you. So it was getting close to lunch so I called her. No answer. I called her several times more and no answer. My gut told me something was not right but I left it alone. I came home to a closet full of empty hangers and missing furniture. I was numb. Just out of the blue no indication.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 This to me was crazy. anyone else??? Crazy? Nah. I'd say predictable is more like it. I'm not sure why it surprises you.
fabulousgal Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 Alpha, she totally freaked out. You sound like a sweet guy, and the yellow sticky note and kiss on the forehead was really a sweet guesture over what sounds like a "silly" fight. Sure I'm cranky when I get woken up, but that should last all of 10 minutes... Perhaps she freaked out bc she thinks you don't get her needs or don't love her. I don't know, but that act alone of waking her up couldn't have sent her into this mode if she was logical. There might be something else to it.
In Sync Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 it not unusual since she has trust issue she hasn't dealt with yet the scenario you have descbed sounds like a receipe for a unstable relationship between the two of you. Right now her actions is getting your head caught up in her past..which means you have to (were you to continue and pursue the realtionship) constantly be on guard, in how you are with her..eventually something is going to hit a snag. Because two people will have conflict...If you and her can't talk things out...built up resentments, outbursts, sudden reactions will keep happening.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 Why predictable? Explain please. Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior: She has moved from place to place never finding a home......34 times she has moved!! There's always a reason, I'm sure - but in the grand scheme of things do reasons matter? Its apparent that this is how she deals with things, and its no surprise she handled it in exactly the same way this time as well.
Author alpha70 Posted August 18, 2007 Author Posted August 18, 2007 You guys are rock solid with your views. It's just interesting how someone can hide some of this dysfunction for a certain amount of time, but once a stress comes along....wham! She's a different person all together. I guess she needs some serious therapy to get her self going in the right direction, but she keeps things locked inside and would prefer a relationship in which she's with a "doer" not a "talker" like I was.
In Sync Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 You guys are rock solid with your views. It's just interesting how someone can hide some of this dysfunction for a certain amount of time, but once a stress comes along....wham! She's a different person all together. I guess she needs some serious therapy to get her self going in the right direction, but she keeps things locked inside and would prefer a relationship in which she's with a "doer" not a "talker" like I was. Be a tad leery of getting to the point where you are in a cycle of trying to analyze her and forgetting that you are also a part of the relatonship...your intentions most likely are to want to be there for her but at some point if she has issues then you too will eventually be immersed in her issues...how do you feel about that is really the question you may need to ask yourself...?
Author alpha70 Posted August 19, 2007 Author Posted August 19, 2007 You're absolutely correct. I don't really recall a time when we were dealing with something of mine. After this break up I'm sure she'll get into another relationship before working her things out....it will end up the same. Perhaps she just needs a "yes" man, but then she'll just walk all over him and get sick of him. What I don't get is that things did end on bad terms, but I did write a letter stating that it's a shame things ended the way they did, etc....wished her and her daughter the best. I'll miss you guys. Love always. How do you NOT get a response back saying...thanks, I'm sorry too. Take care. I just don't get how people can be so cold....it's a humane thing to do...simple as that. ????
In Sync Posted August 20, 2007 Posted August 20, 2007 alpha 70, there is always going to be some unanswered questions in breakup...and that even applies to relationships that end on amiable terms...and that's just the way life is..like it or not. I still have plenty of unanswered questions that I would love to know from the ex..but you know what, I have learned to let the question have its moment and then I file it away. We expect and want the people we care for and love to simply treat us with respect...but when it doesn't happen that way, the lesson to learn from this is...to keep moving on and hold your own head up with dignity and self respect. in due time you may get the answers you want from her..until then file the question away. Dealing with a breakup is continuous effort...spend that energy on examing what you desire from a healthy fulfilling relationship.
funkybassplayer Posted August 20, 2007 Posted August 20, 2007 You guys are rock solid with your views. It's just interesting how someone can hide some of this dysfunction for a certain amount of time, but once a stress comes along....wham! She's a different person all together. I guess she needs some serious therapy to get her self going in the right direction, but she keeps things locked inside and would prefer a relationship in which she's with a "doer" not a "talker" like I was. I had the same, what happens is you see the person they want you too, but when you get close, you bring down the walls around them, and thats when the true person comes out. She acting like this cos she is projecting her issues at you, so she wont have to admit to hers and you take blem etc, and this can get alot worse. They heve to be strong and seek real help, cos these issues are deep set from childhood, and unless she will face her own deep pain via councilling etc, then things wont improve, in fact can get very much worse.
Author alpha70 Posted August 21, 2007 Author Posted August 21, 2007 Hi. Well, came back from my 1st counseling session and it's good to hear a professional tell me that she's a borderline personality disorder or has a personality disorder. Pffff....I didn't even think she had a personality...oh well. It's just good to know that I did my part and no matter WHAT I did it WOULD NEVER have been good enough....it never will be. Anyway, I'm learning things about myself and will hopefully be in a much better relationship down the road. Thanks guys.
zebrasan Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 Aplha70, that's awesome about the counseling. Perfect time in your life to get an outside perspective. I started counseling a few months back to help sort out my father & grandmother's death, as well as the breakup. It has helped immensely, just to have someone call you on your sh*t. From your post it sounds like she's got some self-sabotaging behavior going on, but your conselor has probably told you this already. Your better without that around. Keep it up man. The future is always brighter.
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