sveltskye Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 I've been with my boyfriend for around 3 months. He's a great guy, treats me wonderfully. I've never seen him act aggressively to a girl- just the opposite actually, he kind of dotes on his sister and always asks me to visit her at her work with him. Or a guy for that matter- which is good, because he's super skinny (I can out tickle him) and would probably lose a fight. Currently we're living together temporarily because my house caught on fire and I'm crashing at his place until I can find new housing. When we sleep together its perfectly normal and he's never been aggressive to me then either, he's very loving. He was home alone while I was at school and when I looked at his my documents folder, (to get to some pics of mine) it has a trail of recent documents that had been viewed. And in there were some porn pics, and several of them were labeled "rape scene" or something like that. That really creeped me out. I don't know for absolute sure whether they were his because he shares the computer with his sister's boyfriend and his friends come over some time, but facing the truth, I suspect they are. Here's the thing: I don't mind him looking at porn. I don't mind him looking at bondage, hentai, stuff involving tentacles, whatever. But the rape stuff creeps me out because girl's (theoretically, I don't know if they were staged or whatever) not a willing participant. Anyways, its making me feel very strange and I am nervous about bringing it up to him. I suspect he would stop looking at that kind if I asked him to or at least hide it better but I am nervous to break the subject. He never looks at any porn in front of me, though we've discussed it so he knows I know he looks. So he's kind of trying to hide it, but jeez, having it pop up in the history of your My Documents? He can't complain about my having noticed. How should I approach this? It's freaking me out a bit.
Enema Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 It's always staged. It's a fantasy, many men and women share it and I think it's completely harmless. Try taking it into the bedroom, he'll go nuts!
sb129 Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 Have you asked him about it? I remember ages ago my ex downloaded some normal porn and a whole lot of other unwanted stuff came with it. Also, some things are called rape porn but aren't real rapes, they are simulated. Not that this makes it ok AT ALL, but there really are some sickos out there who fake rapes and film them in order to make money, so in that respect there is a chance that the woman isn't really getting hurt. That aside, regardless of whether it is real or not, any guy actually wanting to look at ANY rape scenes is worrying. I think the best thing you should do is ask your BF about in a non-confrontational, non accusatory way, and give him a chance to tell you his side of the story. then take it from there...
spookie Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 IMO it's just fantasy, and a common one at that, for both genders. The porn is always simulated, and I don't think it says anything about your bf at all. Unless he gives you some other reasons to be creeped out, I wouldn't be.
Citizen Erased Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 If he downloaded them from Limewire, or something similar, then they most likely didn't contain rape. People just put alot of tags on them, to get downloaders attention. Not to mention, like others said, even if it did, it would be staged, between 2 consenting people. That doesn't make it okay, the content is still offensive. But I really do doubt it is as bad as you think.
KittenMoon Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 Did you look at the porn? Was it really rape? Because there's a big difference between "domination rape" porn and "trying to hurt rape" porn. I mean, read a few romance novels for women- there is a CRAZY amount of non-consensual sex scenes. However the reader is almost always in the woman's head, and we know she wants it and is enjoying it, even if she's not consenting. So we know it's not exactly rape- it's a domination relenquishing-of-control fantasy. You bf may enjoy seeing women dominated but not hurt. I wouldn't be too concerned unless he seemed to be sexually stimulated by specifically causing a woman physical and mental pain. Like another poster said- "consensual rape" is a common fantasy of many people of both sexes.
mental_traveller Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Well, according to surveys one of the top women's fantasies is to be raped. Does that mean their bfs or husbands should freak out? I think you should just learn to differentiate between a sexual fantasy and actual reality. I mean if he had pics of people being tied up or something would you be worrying about that? I'd say 99% it's not something creepy, unless some other behaviour of his is like that (which you have said it isn't). Maybe have a word with him about it to reassure yourself, but other than that I wouldn't worry.
Lizzie60 Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 This fantasy about rape is quite common actually. nothing wrong with it... fantasies are just that fantasies. First you don,t even know if he's the one looking at that type of porn. I would suggest that you be very opened about the sex part... just let him know how you feel about it.. don,t make a big deal of something that is quite normal, otherwise you might push him to hide all that stuff from you and have a little 'secret life'. LOL Just be honest about it... and don't freak out ..you might push him away.... just have an open-mind about it...simple.
Woggle Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 It's one thing for him to look at nude women but if he is getting off women being violated whether it is real or fantasy he has some serious problems. Any guy that is turned on by rape is somebody you need to worry about.
uniqueone Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 I think when a woman shows interest in it, it's one thing, but when a man does, it's another. If he's showing an interest in it (in a fun way) with his partner, that's different. But if he's downloading stuff on his own, that'd be a little alarming to me. Yes, rape is a common fantasy but men who are downloading rape porn can have other problems as well. To those who say it's totally harmless, have you known anyone close to you that's been raped?
directx Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 Rape porn is so disturbing. I refuse to watch anything close to it. Japanese have a thing for it and its sick.
lonelybird Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 This fantasy about rape is quite common actually. nothing wrong with it... fantasies are just that fantasies. First you don,t even know if he's the one looking at that type of porn. I would suggest that you be very opened about the sex part... just let him know how you feel about it.. don,t make a big deal of something that is quite normal, otherwise you might push him to hide all that stuff from you and have a little 'secret life'. LOL Just be honest about it... and don't freak out ..you might push him away.... just have an open-mind about it...simple. How open-mind would be "open-mind"? hey, there are most hideous ugly things in the world, we don't have to accept them just for sake of "open mind":rolleyes: OP, most important is how do you define "normal", some "normal" are just destructive and self-destructive. Rape porn or hentai porn is evil. temporary compromise can get you in big trouble in the future. sounds like he is hiding something. sooner or later he will seek out to fulfill that fantacy. In a words, that just not decent. Seems today's people don't have reasonable moral expection these days:( Porn watcher cannot enter kingdom of heaven unless they heartly feel sorry and change their old ways
Citizen Erased Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 Porn watcher cannot enter kingdom of heaven unless they heartly feel sorry and change their old ways Must have missed that part in the Bible Some people take exception to this and that's their right. It is how the OP feels about it (not to mention the fact that she has stated it is a shared computer so may not have been her bf in the first place.) that matters. OP, if you have a problem with this, communicate this to your boyfriend. Don't approach him so he thinks it is an attack, be mature and adult about it. Good Luck
suga Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 I think if its just curiosity then its ok as long as his interest does not continue, and so long as its not real rape videos, and if you ever see anything related to true rape or child rape then call the authorities and dump him very quickly before you end up one of those women who marry child molesters and rapists and end up being ridiculed by the rest of society for being with someone like that, remember psychopaths are the most charming people you can meet because they easily detach from situations and put on the whoever you want them to be act, you can bring it up to tell him how you feal about it, tell him you werent snooping but that you are concerned, things like that do influence people and tell him it scares you if he gets involved in those types of facinations they may have a bad effect on his attitude towards women and sex, just because its published does not make it ok, its still perverted, no matter how many people these days take part in these things, hey, slavery used to be legal all over, never made it ok.
Enema Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 sooner or later he will seek out to fulfill that fantacy. You really should not make such ridiculous, insulting claims unless you have evidence to support it.
PandorasBox Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 This is just my opinon on the matter. Porn involving rape scenes, to me is bothersome. Staged or not, whoever decided to "stage" it had this kind of porn in mind to begin with and decided to put it on film/pics etc. Which says to me, rape was on their mind, maybe not to really to do it, but at least to go to the lengths of reenacting such scenes. Anyway, have you talked with him about this? Reguardless of what people say, if it bothers YOU, then there's a problem that needs to be addressed.
Enema Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 Producing porn is a business like any other... simplified: 1) Identifying demand. 2) Creating product. 3) Monetizing the product. To suggest that porn producers are making the porn they want to act out in real life is incredibly naive. I know some producers who make strictly gay porn as that market is huge. It has nothing to do with their personal preference or beliefs.
PandorasBox Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 To suggest that porn producers are making the porn they want to act out in real life is incredibly naive. It may not be what they want to act out themselves in real life, but the thought they have for others to do it, and put it on film was in their mind to begin with or they wouldn't be making a movie or taking pics of it. If its what gets some people's rocks off, more power to them. I'm saying IMO, it would be bothersome to me, and must be to the OP or she wouldn't have made a post reguarding it. If it bothers her, then it needs to be addressed, thats the bottom line really.
JackJack Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 Producing porn is a business like any other... simplified: 1) Identifying demand. 2) Creating product. 3) Monetizing the product. To suggest that porn producers are making the porn they want to act out in real life is incredibly naive. I know some producers who make strictly gay porn as that market is huge. It has nothing to do with their personal preference or beliefs. You're right, its nothing more than a money racket from producers, to hire people to act out what the producers orginally thought of for a scene. And then the prodcuers sit back and whack off on their dollar bills they made from all of it. They should feel so proud and something tells me they do as the bank roll becomes fatter. Oh yeah btw, the OP also stated porn didn't really bother her, so it just happens to be this kind of porn that does. Ok, so anyway, to the OP, you need to have a talk with him about it, if it bothers you. My guess is, it might be curiosty, but even so, if its something that continues on and it bothers you,you may have to mkae a choice about what it is you feel you can and can not tolerate.
lonelybird Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 Producing porn is a business like any other... simplified: 1) Identifying demand. 2) Creating product. 3) Monetizing the product. To suggest that porn producers are making the porn they want to act out in real life is incredibly naive. I know some producers who make strictly gay porn as that market is huge. It has nothing to do with their personal preference or beliefs. HI, did you know that the kid who killed many other students was some degree influenced by the violent movie he liked? and how many young girls even women try to wear something to be just like certain MOVIE STAR? how much SEX IN THE CITY influenced so many women's life style in reality?
Citizen Erased Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 HI, did you know that the kid who killed many other students was some degree influenced by the violent movie he liked? and how many young girls even women try to wear something to be just like certain MOVIE STAR? how much SEX IN THE CITY influenced so many women's life style in reality? That's BS. Just crap made up by the media. Just like after Columbine, the media attacking Marilyn Manson, saying his music influenced the killers. Turns out they didn't even listen to him in the first place If you believe everything you hear in the media you are incredibly naive. No song, film, novel etc can make someone rape or kill someone. You have to have a part of you capable of committing the act in the first place. What has what women wear got to do with the issue? Or SATC for that matter?
lonelybird Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 Eyes are light of the body, if eyes are dark, how much darkness in body is? Porn has negative influence on people. Have you heard that women complain that their bfs are addictive to porn and ignore those women in real life? how many children sexual abusers become more "interested in children" after they saw the children porn? How many men want to try new things that the porn show? When they watch the porn, they sow a seed in their heart, and this seed will grow out one day. and they put themselves under bondage.
JackJack Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 No song, film, novel etc can make someone rape or kill someone. You have to have a part of you capable of committing the act in the first place. I agree with this, because there was probably already some degree of mental thing going on with a person who does something like that to begin with. However, their are certain things in the world that do have a more bad/negative influence over people. Sure its a choice to rape someone or not, or to murder someone etc, but when you have someone who is already some what mentally unstable, for whatever reason, watching things such as that, is like adding fuel to the fire for some people. I'm by no means saying the OP b/f is already got some mental issues and that if he is watching that kind of thing, then he will likely go do it, I'm just saying, it can happen. If you look back over history, of people who killed or raped or committed really horrible crimes, there was at some point in their lives, some kind of voilent type of things they were into, watched etc.
sb129 Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 If its what gets some people's rocks off, more power to them. I'm saying IMO, it would be bothersome to me, and must be to the OP or she wouldn't have made a post reguarding it. If it bothers her, then it needs to be addressed, thats the bottom line really. That is absolutely the key issue here. It doesn't float my boat, and I wouldn't be that pleased to find it on Wonderboys computer. However, I know that its just another facet of the multi billion dollar porn industry, and people are hardly ever really being raped. HI, did you know that the kid who killed many other students was some degree influenced by the violent movie he liked? and how many young girls even women try to wear something to be just like certain MOVIE STAR? how much SEX IN THE CITY influenced so many women's life style in reality? Oh COME ON LonelyBird, surely you can't be that naieve. People in countries that barely have one channel of television commit depraved crimes too.
Author sveltskye Posted August 22, 2007 Author Posted August 22, 2007 Ok, I'm back. I guess this kind of sparked a debate a bit. I talked to him about it, and he didn't have too much to say for himself. He wasn't very awkward or guilty or anything that I caught him looking at the stuff, and he was kind of like "I'm surprised that you are upset by it because it isn't real". I told him that rape is very serious to me and I don't think its something to be gawked at (I didn't even bring up being attracted to, which freaks me out far more than if he's looking at it for curiousity, even though he probably is). The thing is, I know my boyfriend. And I am 99.9% sure that he's harmless. We've actually talked about the whole "looking at violent things/ playing violent video games creates serial killers" (he likes Doom) issue, and scoffed at the idea. Like I said, he's never shown an aggressive or masogynistic bone in his body before, this stuff aside. He never treats me roughly when we have sex, in fact the complete opposite is true. He does seem kind of drawn to looking at weird stuff though. I mean, he likes gory horror movies and stuff. And on that note, do we accuse people who watch horror movies of beign the type that are going to go out and torture people? At the same time, it bothers me that he actually took the initiative to look at that stuff on his own, because it seems so creepy and insensitive. I knew that some people would think that he was disturbed and maybe he is in a way to be so insensitive, but I don't think it goes further than that. I just want to understand why he's drawn to it, and I guess make sure that I'm right. I think he'd be healthier not looking at the stuff, I think anyone would. But there's really no way to know whether its ok to him to look at it or not, I mean there's people on both sides of the fence even here. I told him I wasn't his mother, and I wouldn't force him to hide it or anything, but he should know that it makes me very uncomfortable. BTW, another interesting thing: before I brought this whole thing up, we were talking about how bad the police are in a town near mine and he mentioned that they were so busy giving out speeding tickets and missed a rape, the "real crime". So I know he's not entirely cavalier about rape.
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