allina Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 Over the past coupe weeks I've been having some doubts over my relationship. Maybe it's because we passed a one year mark and I stopped feeling swept off my feet or maybe he just isn't the one. I do have somewhat of a history of bailing when things stop feeling "perfect" so I don't know if it's just me or not. I know people say it takes work to maintain a relationship but I don't know what that means in my situation. We haven't been fighting or anything it's just been sort of bleh the past couple of weeks. Often after work he just sits there because he's tired, no passion, no interesting conversation. Now I know that he is a guy who needs to flop down on the couch to decompress but I can't imagine coming home to that for the rest of my life. I tried talking to him about a week ago, and I felt like he didn't get it. I told him I felt like he was grouchy/dull recently and gave examples. I said it in a nice way, I wasn't insulting or yelling. He says "I still don't see how I'm being like that" it was like talking to a dang wall. Now it isn't all bad and from what I wrote above I think it sounds worse than it is. I do love him and enjoy his company but sometimes I wonder if it's enough.
Trialbyfire Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 Be careful allina. This feeling of dissatisfaction doesn't appear out of nowhere. I hope you're not involved elsewhere. If so, you'd better make sure that one is worth more than the man you've been with for a year. All that glitters is not gold, more often than not, it's fools gold.
Author allina Posted August 17, 2007 Author Posted August 17, 2007 Be careful allina. This feeling of dissatisfaction doesn't appear out of nowhere. I hope you're not involved elsewhere. If so, you'd better make sure that one is worth more than the man you've been with for a year. All that glitters is not gold, more often than not, it's fools gold. I am not involved with anyone else. Though I am having doubts I would never disrespect this man or this relationship. I'm assuming you're saying this because I posted my "crushes" post. I don't think this feeling of dissatisfaction came from nowhere I think it came from my bf being so moody and keeping to himself after coming home.
Touche Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 I am not involved with anyone else. Though I am having doubts I would never disrespect this man or this relationship. I'm assuming you're saying this because I posted my "crushes" post. I don't think this feeling of dissatisfaction came from nowhere I think it came from my bf being so moody and keeping to himself after coming home. How is he moody exactly? Is it just that when he gets home, he wants a little time to himself? Is he snippy with you?
Author allina Posted August 17, 2007 Author Posted August 17, 2007 How is he moody exactly? Is it just that when he gets home, he wants a little time to himself? Is he snippy with you? No, he's not snippy he just spaces out quietly and acts sort of blob like. It's not about time to himself, I'm more than okay with that. I just feel like he doesn't get excited about things anymore. I don't know maybe it's all me. I just know that I can't shake this feeling that this may not be the one after all.
hotgurl Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 allina in a long term relationship you can go through period of boredom. like one one partner is in a funk or maybe your guys are too busy for each other ect.. But the key is these phases usually pass. I would say since you've only been together a year you are now out of the honeymoon priod. I would wait to see if this is just a funk he is in or if this is how he really is when he has let his guard down. I would jus tbe careful if you find yourself slipping into apathy. I have to say 90% of the time I look forward to coming home to my BF and we talk a lot have interesting convo and it has been 6 years, YEs there is 10% when sometimes I wonder what the heck I am doing here this is boring etc.. and that is when you need to work. To figure out whats going on, Maybe it making a date nigth, doing something new together etc...
Touche Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 No, he's not snippy he just spaces out quietly and acts sort of blob like. It's not about time to himself, I'm more than okay with that. I just feel like he doesn't get excited about things anymore. I don't know maybe it's all me. I just know that I can't shake this feeling that this may not be the one after all. I don't know, Allina. I don't see anything wrong really. Maybe it's just that you're like I was in my early to mid-twenties. I got bored easily. I never stuck around for more than a year with one person. I wanted excitement 24/7. Real relationships just aren't like that. Is there something else, other than the fact that he hasn't been that exciting lately, that makes you think he's not the one for you?
Author allina Posted August 17, 2007 Author Posted August 17, 2007 allina in a long term relationship you can go through period of boredom. like one one partner is in a funk or maybe your guys are too busy for each other ect.. But the key is these phases usually pass. I would say since you've only been together a year you are now out of the honeymoon priod. I would wait to see if this is just a funk he is in or if this is how he really is when he has let his guard down. I would jus tbe careful if you find yourself slipping into apathy. I have to say 90% of the time I look forward to coming home to my BF and we talk a lot have interesting convo and it has been 6 years, YEs there is 10% when sometimes I wonder what the heck I am doing here this is boring etc.. and that is when you need to work. To figure out whats going on, Maybe it making a date nigth, doing something new together etc... Thank you HG, that's a very helpful post. What I'm struggling with the most is that I do not know or understand this situation. I feel like "if he was the love of my life and we were meant to be together I wouldn't feel like this" but I don't know if this is a realistic view. How do you know if this is just a small bit of doubt/boredom that will pass in no time or if it's a sign that it's time to leave.
Author allina Posted August 17, 2007 Author Posted August 17, 2007 Is there something else, other than the fact that he hasn't been that exciting lately, that makes you think he's not the one for you? Maybe I am like you were, I don't know. No there isn't anything else just my feelings, my thinking about moving out . I worry if he's like this now how will he be in another year. I feel like he doesn't put much effort in to us.
hotgurl Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 Thank you HG, that's a very helpful post. What I'm struggling with the most is that I do not know or understand this situation. I feel like "if he was the love of my life and we were meant to be together I wouldn't feel like this" but I don't know if this is a realistic view. How do you know if this is just a small bit of doubt/boredom that will pass in no time or if it's a sign that it's time to leave. well I guess you just wait and see. For us it always passes and most of the time it stuff that is happening on the outside of the relationship that is causing the funk. We just recently went through one and it got better when work let up and we went out a little more. On dates or just hiking together. I always thought love would be exciting and passionate. And my other relationship were exciting but in a bad way. I can't tell you how you know it just a feeling. Like I feel that I am home with him even when it's boring. Plus we both have other interest we participate in so we are not soley relant on each other for entertainment.
tanbark813 Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 The next time he plops down on the couch like a blob take off your shirt and jiggle your boobs in his face and see what he does.
Author allina Posted August 17, 2007 Author Posted August 17, 2007 well I guess you just wait and see. For us it always passes and most of the time it stuff that is happening on the outside of the relationship that is causing the funk. We just recently went through one and it got better when work let up and we went out a little more. On dates or just hiking together. I always thought love would be exciting and passionate. And my other relationship were exciting but in a bad way. I can't tell you how you know it just a feeling. Like I feel that I am home with him even when it's boring. Plus we both have other interest we participate in so we are not soley relant on each other for entertainment. So how do I make myself care and try during these times. Don't get me wrong I would be very sad to end this but I know I could and will if I'm not happy. I just want to be rational here The next time he plops down on the couch like a blob take off your shirt and jiggle your boobs in his face and see what he does. :laugh:
hotgurl Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 So how do I make myself care and try during these times. Don't get me wrong I would be very sad to end this but I know I could and will if I'm not happy. I just want to be rational here :laugh: well I supposed you have to decide whether the relationship as a whole is worth going through some down times. But the down times shouldn't be that often. And you said you feel like he is not putting effort into the relationship and that is smething that needs to be addressed
Trialbyfire Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 I am not involved with anyone else. Though I am having doubts I would never disrespect this man or this relationship. I'm assuming you're saying this because I posted my "crushes" post. I don't think this feeling of dissatisfaction came from nowhere I think it came from my bf being so moody and keeping to himself after coming home. I do want you to think about timelines. Exactly how long has your b/f been so moody? Is he going through a high-stress period at work?
Author allina Posted August 17, 2007 Author Posted August 17, 2007 well I supposed you have to decide whether the relationship as a whole is worth going through some down times. But the down times shouldn't be that often. And you said you feel like he is not putting effort into the relationship and that is smething that needs to be addressed The crazy part is that 99% of the time it is great, this doubt thing has been the past 2-3 weeks only. Sorry for this repetitive blabbing on my part, let me explain this in more detail. He's been leaving the house at 7am ad returning at 7pm for work. On top of work I've been going to class 20 hours a week because I need it to apply to a grad program I want to apply for. I've been sleeping like 2-3 hours a night. I suppose that I feel like since we have spent so litle time together the time we do spend should be incredible. I guess that isn't too realistic because we've both been exhauster. He has been doing nice little things, like the other night I didn't get home till almost 11pm and still had work to do. He knew I'd be starving so he had a sandwich from my favorite spot waiting for me, then went and got me a ton of coke zero for my all nighter. He also surprises me with cute little things or things he knows I need. The thing that makes me say he's been blobbish ad not too responsive is his spacyness, he seriously needs to just be in his head sometimes. This week I was able to have dinner with him once and I was very excited about it. So I ask him "Where do you want to go?" His response is "Whatever" To me whatever is rude especially when I'm trying to do something nice with the little time we have. He says when he says that it means it doesn't matter to him and anything is fine. I keep telling him I need him to be more responsive.
Star Gazer Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 He has been doing nice little things, like the other night I didn't get home till almost 11pm and still had work to do. He knew I'd be starving so he had a sandwich from my favorite spot waiting for me, then went and got me a ton of coke zero for my all nighter. He also surprises me with cute little things or things he knows I need. Do you do cute little things for him to, or get him things you know he needs to alleviate how exhausted he is? The thing that makes me say he's been blobbish ad not too responsive is his spacyness, he seriously needs to just be in his head sometimes. This week I was able to have dinner with him once and I was very excited about it. So I ask him "Where do you want to go?" His response is "Whatever" To me whatever is rude especially when I'm trying to do something nice with the little time we have. He says when he says that it means it doesn't matter to him and anything is fine. I keep telling him I need him to be more responsive. I don't see "whatever" as rude, just that with the little energy he has he doesn't want to waste it on a decision about where to eat - he'd rather focus it on together-time. Sounds to me like he's being as responsive as he can be given the circumstances.
Trialbyfire Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 allina, you're both exhausted. I'm not sure if this is a good time to make any decisions. Have you tried taking the lead, instead of relying on him to make the decisions? For example, "Hi hon, let's go for dinner at xyz restaurant tonight. I've made reservations for 7:30 pm." or "Hi hon, I've ordered dinner from xyz restaurant. I know abc dish is your favourite so that's what I got you. I hope you like it." See how he reacts.
hotgurl Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 The crazy part is that 99% of the time it is great, this doubt thing has been the past 2-3 weeks only. Sorry for this repetitive blabbing on my part, let me explain this in more detail. He's been leaving the house at 7am ad returning at 7pm for work. On top of work I've been going to class 20 hours a week because I need it to apply to a grad program I want to apply for. I've been sleeping like 2-3 hours a night. I suppose that I feel like since we have spent so litle time together the time we do spend should be incredible. I guess that isn't too realistic because we've both been exhauster. He has been doing nice little things, like the other night I didn't get home till almost 11pm and still had work to do. He knew I'd be starving so he had a sandwich from my favorite spot waiting for me, then went and got me a ton of coke zero for my all nighter. He also surprises me with cute little things or things he knows I need. The thing that makes me say he's been blobbish ad not too responsive is his spacyness, he seriously needs to just be in his head sometimes. This week I was able to have dinner with him once and I was very excited about it. So I ask him "Where do you want to go?" His response is "Whatever" To me whatever is rude especially when I'm trying to do something nice with the little time we have. He says when he says that it means it doesn't matter to him and anything is fine. I keep telling him I need him to be more responsive. well there you go you guys are both busy and exhausted. I do agree his whatever is a little insensitive he could just say I am fine with what you pick. It is unrealistic to expect your time together to be spectacular when you both are so busy and tired. Plus he is putting in an effort by getting you you favorite food and coke etc.. I tell you what I do when I get in a mood like yours. when I am busy and stressed I try to think of all the things my bf does do for me instead of the things he is not doing. I also try to put myself in his shoes and also look at my behavior towards him. Am I taking him for granted too. Am I just not seeing what he is doing for me or what he is going through. And a lot of times it partly my fault as well.
Author allina Posted August 17, 2007 Author Posted August 17, 2007 Do you do cute little things for him to, or get him things you know he needs to alleviate how exhausted he is? I don't see "whatever" as rude, just that with the little energy he has he doesn't want to waste it on a decision about where to eat - he'd rather focus it on together-time. Sounds to me like he's being as responsive as he can be given the circumstances. I do things for him as well, yes. Maybe not as much recently because I've has class on top of everything with insane amounts of homework. I guess what I need from him is a little more passion and responsiveness. I'm not saying my feelings are rational or I'm right, I'm just trying to understand it all, that's why I posted that long post detailing our life together over the past couple of weeks.
hotgurl Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 what if you create passion. Light some candles give each other back massages, cuddle. It just sounds like you feel that you two aren't connecting.
Author allina Posted August 17, 2007 Author Posted August 17, 2007 well there you go you guys are both busy and exhausted. I do agree his whatever is a little insensitive he could just say I am fine with what you pick. It is unrealistic to expect your time together to be spectacular when you both are so busy and tired. Plus he is putting in an effort by getting you you favorite food and coke etc.. I tell you what I do when I get in a mood like yours. when I am busy and stressed I try to think of all the things my bf does do for me instead of the things he is not doing. I also try to put myself in his shoes and also look at my behavior towards him. Am I taking him for granted too. Am I just not seeing what he is doing for me or what he is going through. And a lot of times it partly my fault as well. Thanks HG, I think I'm going to try mellowing out a bit. I know I'm unrealistic sometimes with my whole "if it isn't 100% blissful 100% of the time it isn't meant to be" attitude .
Author allina Posted August 17, 2007 Author Posted August 17, 2007 "Passion" meaning sex? No, more passion emotionally what if you create passion. Light some candles give each other back massages, cuddle. It just sounds like you feel that you two aren't connecting. Exactly, that's what i feel like. It's been rough when I get home at 10:30-11, eat and get to work. He goes to bed when I go to the office to do work, I sleep from 3-5am the get up get ready to do work, then we both get ready and leave the house by 7. I think now with class being over I will have much more time to do what you suggest.
hotgurl Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 Thanks HG, I think I'm going to try mellowing out a bit. I know I'm unrealistic sometimes with my whole "if it isn't 100% blissful 100% of the time it isn't meant to be" attitude . yea and how borign would 100% bliss be you would miss out on all that great make up sex.
Author allina Posted August 17, 2007 Author Posted August 17, 2007 yea and how borign would 100% bliss be you would miss out on all that great make up sex. :laugh: Oh, another thing that hd a big impact on how I'm feeling, I took two fairly hard classes, I had the finals yesterday, studied my butt off. He didn't even call/text from work to say "how did it go?" When I mentioned it to him he said he was so busy all day, I don't believe he didn't have 20 seconds to text me.
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