Lovesick

[Obart]

I've been married to my wife over 25 years; we've two grown children. I'm 50+ years old and my wife's about the same. The marriage has been OK but largely routine for quite awhile now, spark seems gone. Have never cheated, not my style.

 

Early this summer, I woke up one morning to realize I had developed deep emotional feelings for another woman (my age, divorced, 2 college age girls) with whom I work at a volunteer organization. I've known her for about 6 years, working closely with her for about 4 years.

 

We just seem to click together and pretty much flirt around whenever we're with each other. She's generally very physical with those around her; tends to greet everyone with a hug. When we greet each other the hug seems to last longer and we kiss on the lips... nothing really deep but very pleasurable nonetheless. We've hugged and kissed playfully on occassion for no good reason; we both enjoy the physical contact. I've told her that she's just too much fun to kiss and that I was starting to grow quite attached to her.

 

We started a largely e-mail relationship and have been writing to each other often since the summer began.

 

A few weeks ago we sat down for a heart to heart and I told her how I felt.

There was much hugging, a kiss or two as I literally bared my soul to this lovely woman. She told me she loves me as a friend and doesn't want to lose me, doesn't like to mix volunteer work with social life and then added offhandedly that she considered herself to be in a relationship; seeing someone infrequently for the past two years who lives several hundred miles away. At that point, figuring all is lost, I said something to the effect that I'd cry at her wedding... to which she quickly said, "Oh it's nothing like that, it's just someone I see... ." Can't recall exact words. She said she was warmed and flattered by my feelings for her. We parted that day with a warm embrace and kiss. I said something like "I love you, pal."

 

That night she sent me an e-mail with just a photo attached, no text. It was a picture of me doing what I love at this organization where we both volunteer... she's one of our staff photographers.

 

The next day I wrote her an e-mail note summing up our discussion and my deep feelings for her, agreeing that our present relationship is very dear to me as well and I would not want to lose that, ending with she'll always be dear to me and to let me know if she ever has a change of heart... I agonized over sending it, fearing she'd heard enough.

 

Well, she replied to my note with such lovely words that it made me weak in the knees... sentiments like now that she knows me she can't imagine not knowing me and wants to know me better and better, and that she's keeping everything I have said and written in a special, warm place. She closed that note by saying let's get some ice cream together soon... still trying to work that out, schedules and all

 

We're continuing to correspond and are trying to get together. She's even brought up a game we played in the past where we'd share a piece of candy until out lips met. We'll be seeing a lot of each other over the next 4 weeks as museum activity picks up.

 

Obviously, my marriage is the biggest obstacle to any future with this remarkable lady. I'm prepared to end the marriage if it will mean a future with her. I told her that I was not looking for an affair, have too much respect for both her and my wife.

 

What I'm looking for here is insight... I know it's tough, but how do you folks out there read this woman?

[directx]

Well,

at least she didn't run for the hills or disappear after you said you had feelings.

 

I think that says something.

 

See how the ice cream thing goes.

 

I think if you ended your marriage you could probably be dating.

[Curious139]

Woah.....snap! I've just been through a similar experience. I'm the same approx age as you, married to a wonderful woman, and we have three beautiful youngish children.

 

I met my old girlfriend who had separated from her husband and fell deeply in love........we had an affair.

 

However I didn't/couldn't take the final step of separation so kept putting it off. My wife knew about the affair and was (still is) deeply hurt.

 

So what happened is the woman I loved got sick of waiting, feeling rejected, and found someone else. Finito.

 

I'm currently recovering from deep depression and only got through it because of the love and support of my wife. Ironic.

 

The problem is that the fundamental reasons the affair occurred still exist. My wife and I are good together but no intimacy or romance - I simply don't feel it for her. So in my case I had the opportunity of being with the woman I love and lost it because of my sense of honour, duty, decency and obligation. I regret that now.

 

In hindsight I tried to be the good guy to everyone - and it isn't possible. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and make the hard unpopular choice.

 

I should add that guys our age find separation very hard and do regret it later. One piece of advice - separate if you feel that is the best thing to do because your marriage is unhappy. Not because you have another woman.

[Kasan]

Obart,

 

An interesting post.....so am I correct, you have fallen out of love with your wife?

 

Did you fall out of love with your wife before you developed deep emotional feelings for the OW?

 

If you aren't in love with your wife, will you leave her anyways, or are you waiting for a sign from the OW?

 

I think that it's honorable that you won't cheat on your wife, but on some level haven't you all ready checked out on your marriage? How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

 

The reason I ask, is I am about your same age in a long term marriage and if my husband wasn't "feeling it for me", I wouldn't want to settle for second best. Nor would I want to wait while he made up his mind whether or not to pursue another woman.

 

When the kiddos finally left home, I really didn't think my marriage would make it. We had six months as a married couple before I became pregnant, so all of our marriage was about the kids. What would we have in common once the kids were gone? Turns out I was wrong-we found a way to re-connect. So I guess I am one of the lucky ones.

 

But....life is too short, we all deserve to be happy. I don't envy you or the decisions you will have to make.

 

I wish you the best.

[JamesM]

Thanks for coming here. Many people here give great advice, and many have had the same feelings you have had.

 

My first thought is..do you know this woman as a person who you could or could not live with? As simple or silly as that sounds, do you really think she would be the same woman you work with as she would if she were your wife? Do you think you could face her every morning? Many of us men (I am in my 40s) get to stage where we want those feelings we had when we first met our wives. We meet a new woman who ignites those sparks we had, and we then think that this love is enough for a marriage and future together. I know you have known her for six years, but do you know her outside of your volunteering time together? What about your wife and children? Are you prepared to change their lives forever? Do you want family gatherings to be stilted and uncomfortable? Do you want your wife to experience the loss of her husband?

 

My impression of her feelings is that she does not have the same deep feelings for you. But since you mentioned your feelings, she is now having some feelings for you that are romantic. This is different than if she had had the feelings prior to you expressing your feelings. I have been there..I had a co worker tell ME how she felt, and suddenly I had feelings for her. Suddenly, she looked like THE woman. But as time went on, nothing happened... thankfully. We flirted and came close to an affair, but we didn't. After those feelings left me, I realized that this woman was not even close to being what I would want for a wife. A friend? Yes. A flirtatious "relationship? Yes. And we had worked together for quite a few years. I had even "counselled" her during relationship troubles. I do not question your feelings for your OW, but I question her feelings.

 

Does she feel this way now that you told her your feelings or is it more? Is she worth throwing all these years of marriage out of the window? Or when the affair progresses and your wife leaves you....will it suddenly hit you that you actually lost the REAL love of your life? Just as "grass looks greener on the other side of the fence" so do women we do not have look better.

 

he marriage has been OK but largely routine for quite awhile now,

 

My feelings here are...how can the routine be "spiced up?" I have been married only about 18 (as compared to your 25), but is there any connection to the fact that your children are now grown and gone? Could it be that you don't know your wife anymore?

 

Have never cheated, not my style.

We've hugged and kissed playfully on occasion for no good reason; we both enjoy the physical contact. I've told her that she's just too much fun to kiss and that I was starting to grow quite attached to her.

A few weeks ago we sat down for a heart to heart and I told her how I felt. There was much hugging, a kiss or two as I literally bared my soul to this lovely woman.

 

Obviously, my marriage is the biggest obstacle to any future with this remarkable lady. I'm prepared to end the marriage if it will mean a future with her. I told her that I was not looking for an affair, have too much respect for both her and my wife.

 

When I read these comments, I do not see a man who hasn't cheated, I see a man who has already cheated by expressing his love to another woman. I see a man who kisses a woman for the enjoyment of the physical contact. No, you have not sexually been intimate with her, but you have already crossed the line. But if you are still thinking that you have not, I am guessing that if you ask your wife, she would have a different opinion. This was not meant to be harsh, but I am trying to give constructive and real criticism. Please understand that I really do understand your feelings.

 

how do you folks out there read this woman?

 

She told me she loves me as a friend and doesn't want to lose me, doesn't like to mix volunteer work with social life and then added offhandedly that she considered herself to be in a relationship; seeing someone infrequently for the past two years who lives several hundred miles away.

 

I have always felt that the initial reaction is the best reaction. Her email to you that made you "weak in the knees" came after she thought of what you said, and then she said different feelings that made you feel better. She also may have had a change of feelings in that she thought that maybe a relationship with you might be nice. But I still think her initial reaction is your best window to her soul.

 

My suggestion is to reignite the sparks with your wife. Continue the friendship with this woman ONLY if you can keep it as a friendship. And ONLY if you are prepared to tear you family apart, then proceed with the extremely risky idea of an affair with this woman. Remember, these feelings of "love" that you have do not only affect your life. They affect your children's lives, your wife's life, this OW's children, and of course her life. Most men who begin affairs do not stay with the OW.

 

Please take anything I said as completely with your interests in mind. I do not say it as a man who would never be where you are, but as a man who has been there...and knows that by the time I reach 50, I could face the same situation.

[Obart]

Appreciate your thoughts and advice. Will probably try to maintain status quo for now and wait and see.

 

From what I know right now I could spend the rest of my life with the new woman... realize all the realities involved with that decision.

[Obart]

Kasan,

 

Your woman's perspective on my situation is invaluable, thank you. I agree I've just about checked out on my marriage.

 

Will proceed carefully, endeavoring not to hurt either of these two wonderful women.

 

James M.

 

I realize I've already crossed the line with my new found friend... appreciate your frankness and insight... . I made it clear to her that I was not looking fo an affair, would do what was necessary to make a future possible for us... fully realizing the consequences.

 

Thanks again to you both.

[bones]

She sounds like a very wonderful woman. She is obviously extremely fond of you. The fact that she didn't run screaming in the other direction is good.

 

I was in a similar situation. The gentleman I was friends with however doesn't discuss feelings and emotions, so when I bared my soul, I got silence. We continued to be friends and hang out until I finally became so frustrated with his wishy washy behavior that I sent a pretty harsh e-mail over which he blew a gasket. You are fortunate to be able to have a dialog with her. Sounds like you are a pretty special guy too. One with a high EQ.

 

Question: Would you end your marriage if she wasn't in your life? As a woman I would feel tremendous pressure if I thought I was the reason my good friend was getting a divorce. So keep that info under your hat for now. If she hugs and kisses you a lot, there is probably a lot of feeling there. I'm similar in that I greet with hugs and kisses, but there is a notable difference in the ones I give to someone special.

 

As trite as it may sound, sometimes what is more important to a woman is the friendship of a warm intelligent man. I miss my friend dearly and long for the days we would just sit and BS over a beer. I told him I wanted to keep him around forever and so a friendship seemed like the safe route to go. I managed to screw that up. He gave off so many mixed signs, I just wanted a straight conversation. He isn't able to step up. Oh well.

[KittenMoon]

Obart-

 

I kinda get the impression you are not fully thinking about the reality of divorcing your wife.

 

Imagine the weeks, months, years of heartaches, nights of crying and sobbing, depression, anxiety, confusion, maybe even suicidal thoughts and feelings of utter hopelessness that your wife likely experience if she is cast aside after 25 years. Imagine her sobbing and in pain, but trying to be strong and hide it each time you face each other after you break the news to her.

 

Imagine your children going through the same pain. Hiding their grief, trying to stay strong, likely resenting you and maybe even hating you for a time. Maybe even forever.

 

Can you think of them entering therapy, taking medications, struggling to "let go" for years possibly?

 

Take a look around LS- all these things can and have happened to people left by a bf, gf, husband, wife, or lover. Will you be trading their utter despair for your happiness? You may want to claim innocence for their feelings, their lives, but your are their HUSBAND and their FATHER. You have a responsibility to those things as well as to your own happiness.

 

I'm not trying to be cruel. But you need to realize and accept that at least some of these things will happen.

 

If you truly believe that, even if these things occur, your wife and children will be better in the long run post-divorce, then ok.

 

If not, why not try to revive your marriage? It doesn't sound bad at all. Simply routine. But it's like that because you let it get like that. You and your wife, but yes, YOU. You COULD have affected a change in it at any time, and you CAN affect a change in it now.

 

But you are getting dangerously close to a point of no return. You've already cheated. Accept that.

 

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, why not try watering your own and see how it grows?

[JamesM]

Obart-

 

I kinda get the impression you are not fully thinking about the reality of divorcing your wife.

 

Imagine the weeks, months, years of heartaches, nights of crying and sobbing, depression, anxiety, confusion, maybe even suicidal thoughts and feelings of utter hopelessness that your wife likely experience if she is cast aside after 25 years. Imagine her sobbing and in pain, but trying to be strong and hide it each time you face each other after you break the news to her.

 

Imagine your children going through the same pain. Hiding their grief, trying to stay strong, likely resenting you and maybe even hating you for a time. Maybe even forever.

 

Can you think of them entering therapy, taking medications, struggling to "let go" for years possibly?

 

Take a look around LS- all these things can and have happened to people left by a bf, gf, husband, wife, or lover. Will you be trading their utter despair for your happiness? You may want to claim innocence for their feelings, their lives, but your are their HUSBAND and their FATHER. You have a responsibility to those things as well as to your own happiness.

 

I'm not trying to be cruel. But you need to realize and accept that at least some of these things will happen.

 

If you truly believe that, even if these things occur, your wife and children will be better in the long run post-divorce, then ok.

 

If not, why not try to revive your marriage? It doesn't sound bad at all. Simply routine. But it's like that because you let it get like that. You and your wife, but yes, YOU. You COULD have affected a change in it at any time, and you CAN affect a change in it now.

 

But you are getting dangerously close to a point of no return. You've already cheated. Accept that.

 

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, why not try watering your own and see how it grows?

 

So well said. So well said. And yes, again so well said. All of it, but the part I highlighted in bold struck me as necessary to reread.

 

And I love the "water the grass" analogy.

 

The one thing I see is that this other woman seems so wonderful and beautiful. She seems everything that your "routine" wife does not seem. And because it has been 25 years since you saw your wife in this light, you cannot imagine that this OW would ever become routine. But based on the oh so many stories here on LS, I think that we can safely say that she will become routine, and then not only will you have another routine wife, you will realize that the old routine was better than the new routine.

[Kasan]

Obart--

 

"Will proceed carefully, endeavoring not to hurt either of these two wonderful women."

 

How are you going to avoid this? Someone is going to be hurt!

 

Isn't new love grand? All those great feelings from the chemical rush that occurs from a new relationship. But, as it has been reported all over these boards..the chemical rush will wear off.

 

And, you will be in another relationship that will become "old" with its own set of problems.

 

Several of us have suggested trying to re-connect with your wife.

 

What saved me was my husband and I love to renovate houses. We really learned how to work well together with each other...ie. he lays down tile and I grout it. I wished I had known it would be so simple to get along-it would have save a lot of years of needless arguing.

 

From what you say, your kids are gone, maybe you and your wife have some common interests that you could explore?

 

After all, after raising the kids, you are now "at the good part", sorta the icing on the cake.

[Obart]

Bones,

 

Thanks for your insight... 'fraid I've already told her I wasn't looking for an affair and would do whatever was necessary to make her feel comfortable seeing me; felt I had to do that in order to be on the level with her despite the risk you mention. That revelation brought us to another heartfelt embrace and kiss or two during our heart to heart... can't forget the feeling of her hand as she held the back of my head during one of those!

 

Seem to be getting mixed signals from her; as recently as a week ago she's even made reference to the little kissing game we've played in the past, a topic I had thought would just not be mentioned any longer.

 

Hard to put a meter on the hugs/kisses she shares with others but I do get the impression ours have some added element to them. Haven't seen her for that ice cream yet... schedule conflicts continue, but we're continuing our close correspondence.

 

Thanks for your kind words as well... good luck to you too!

[Obart]

Hear you... have been thinking about all the negatives for over 6 weeks now.

[KittenMoon]

Bones,

 

Thanks for your insight... 'fraid I've already told her I wasn't looking for an affair and would do whatever was necessary to make her feel comfortable seeing me; felt I had to do that in order to be on the level with her despite the risk you mention. That revelation brought us to another heartfelt embrace and kiss or two during our heart to heart... can't forget the feeling of her hand as she held the back of my head during one of those!

 

Seem to be getting mixed signals from her; as recently as a week ago she's even made reference to the little kissing game we've played in the past, a topic I had thought would just not be mentioned any longer.

 

Hard to put a meter on the hugs/kisses she shares with others but I do get the impression ours have some added element to them. Haven't seen her for that ice cream yet... schedule conflicts continue, but we're continuing our close correspondence.

 

Thanks for your kind words as well... good luck to you too!

 

Hear you... have been thinking about all the negatives for over 6 weeks now.

 

 

I think it's obvious what you are actually thinking of. You may be hearing what people are saying, but I get the distinct impression you aren't actually HEARING.

 

I suggest you face the negative- read through some of the stories here on LS, and the recovery people are going through. Heck, go back to my early posts- I was a total near psychotic mess. Read what happens to the betrayed parties when their SOs are off enjoying those little kisses and caresses of a new person.

[JamesM]

Bones,

 

Thanks for your insight... 'fraid I've already told her I wasn't looking for an affair

 

That revelation brought us to another heartfelt embrace and kiss or two during our heart to heart... can't forget the feeling of her hand as she held the back of my head during one of those!

 

Seem to be getting mixed signals from her; as recently as a week ago she's even made reference to the little kissing game we've played in the past, a topic I had thought would just not be mentioned any longer.

 

Hard to put a meter on the hugs/kisses she shares with others but I do get the impression ours have some added element to them. Haven't seen her for that ice cream yet... schedule conflicts continue, but we're continuing our close correspondence.

 

Thanks for your kind words as well... good luck to you too!

 

Wow, have you shared these feelings that you have for this woman with your wife? I am not being sarcastic, but it would give you a dose of reality.

 

I understand how you feel, but do you think that thus far no affair of any sorts has occurred? What is your definition of "an affair?"

 

Do you still have your kissing games?

 

What do you hope to accomplish by having an ice cream date with her? How will you tell your wife about this "date?" Does you wife even know about your volunteer "friend?"

 

I agree with Kitten Moon. Your words indicate that you have taken a few steps down the road to a sexual affair. And knowing how you wife will feel does make me sad. I know that sounds strange, but if I think of your wife as my wife and me as you, I cringe as to the pain that she would feel. Since I communicate regularly via email with a woman whose husband had an affair, I have heard about all of the pain that a simple affair causes.

 

Perhaps one of these quotes below may strike a chord?

 

I, take you to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

 

In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.

 

In the presence of God and these our friends I take thee to be my wife, promising with Divine assistance to be unto thee a loving and faithful husband so long as we both shall live.

 

I, take you to be my friend, my lover, the mother of my children and my wife. I will be yours in times of plenty and in times of want, in times of sickness and in times of health, in times of joy and in times of sorrow, in times of failure and in times of triumph. I promise to cherish and respect you, to care and protect you, to comfort and encourage you, and stay with you, for all eternity.

 

And in case you think I sit above you in judgment, I can say that this is far from it. I know that I have had to run from possible affairs, and I know I will have to do so in the future. I pray that I may have the strength to do so before I choose the wrong path.

 

I believe that you were brought here for a reason and given an opportunity to think before you leap. I am willing to guess that one day you will look back on this thread...what will your thoughts be....will you regret your choice or be glad of the direction you took? Of course, none of us know the future, but we make decisions based on what we know.

[Obart]

James M.,

 

Rest assured I will make no decisions rashly... does anyone out there seriously think that a rational human being would not consider the consequences of the life altering actions I contemplate?

 

I genuinely appreciate the candor and "tough love" comments expressed here... BTW have never gone the web route before in a quest for answers in affairs of the heart. Have been talking to a few close friends as well.

 

Not to coin a cliche, but walk a mile in my shoes and remernber the phrase, "There but for the grace of God go I."

 

As God is my witness I did not seek out this woman and was not looking for a new mate; I cannot explain why I am drawn to this remarkable person... all I'm certain of is the way I feel when I'm with her... more alive than I've felt in years.

[Obart]

KittenMoon,

 

Lovely user name BTW,

 

Rest assured I will make no decisions rashly... does anyone out there seriously think that a rational human being would not consider the consequences of the life altering actions I contemplate?

 

I genuinely appreciate the candor and "tough love" comments expressed here... BTW have never gone the web route before in a quest for answers in affairs of the heart. Have been talking to a few close friends as well.

 

Not to coin a cliche, but walk a mile in my shoes and remember the phrase, "There but for the grace of God go I."

 

As God is my witness I did not seek out this woman and was not looking for a new mate; I cannot explain why I am drawn to this remarkable person... all I'm certain of is the way I feel when I'm with her... more alive than I've felt in years.

[Curious139]

Some excellent advice above. You certainly must consider the effect of separation on your wife. It may destroy her. It might destroy you. Not in a permanent sense but the devastation your wife would experience needs to be taken into account.

 

I really do understand your dilemma. I hesitated separating because of duty, honour etc as well as realising how wonderful my wife is.

 

However in doing so I lost the woman I love and the same problems still exist betwen my wife and I. Except it is worse because she now knows I love someone else....... That is pretty soul destroying for her.

 

My mistake - which a doctor pointed out to me - is that I was trying to be the good guy for everyone involved. Sometimes you simply can't.

[JamesM]

Rest assured I will make no decisions rashly... does anyone out there seriously think that a rational human being would not consider the consequences of the life altering actions I contemplate?

 

Unfortunately, yes. Many, many men do. And they "rationalize" their actions quite seriously. So often men who do not seek out affairs, but they find that special woman who makes them feel alive...they will justify their affairs with the belief that their marriage is lacking what they have now found. Surely you remember what it was like with your wife when you first met her? The exhilaration you feel for this OW is probably the same you felt then.

 

I genuinely appreciate the candor and "tough love" comments expressed here... BTW have never gone the web route before in a quest for answers in affairs of the heart. Have been talking to a few close friends as well.

 

Trust me...I really answer your posts with total understanding for what you feel. I admire your courage to spill your guts out to strangers...knowing that many will not understand how you feel. Out of curiosity, have your close friends given you similar advice or are they inclined to tell you to pursue a relationship with this OW?

 

As God is my witness I did not seek out this woman and was not looking for a new mate; I cannot explain why I am drawn to this remarkable person... all I'm certain of is the way I feel when I'm with her... more alive than I've felt in years.

 

I believe this completely. Most affairs do not begin because the married person was looking for it. I am surprised that you would use such a statement to describe your feelings. Speaking of cliches, this is one statement and justification that is used by many if not most men your/our age who are drawn to an affair. A new love is always like this. Whenever we begin a relationship that is love/sex based (that is not diminishing your feelings), we feel as if we are young again. The mid life is the time that we men seem to find or seek out that "new love" that our wives no longer can provide.

 

I remember when I felt complete attraction for a woman a few years ago...I felt that same way. I can remember saying to myself, "THIS is what I have been missing." Thankfully for many reasons, this relationship never turned into an affair. (Although some would say as in your case, I was already there...or too close to distinguish the difference). And I felt alive and young. I felt wanted. I felt sexually attractive. I felt like I was a man again. She made me feel special. I felt completely comfortable with her. I did not seek her out...she sought me out. THAT is another story.

 

Now that I look back, I am incredibly thankful that it never grew into an affair. I met her recently, and I realized that she was not as special as my wife. If I had continued in my "cloud," I would have devastated my family and wife. But worst (selfishly speaking) of all, I would have ruined my life for a woman whom I would not have looked at twice when I was young and single..

 

Not to coin a cliche, but walk a mile in my shoes and remember the phrase, "There but for the grace of God go I."

 

You are right. I have not walked in your shoes. All I can do is tell you about my "shoes." I have often wondered why God did not give me a different pair of shoes. I cannot believe that I am still wearing them. But I can honestly say that I am happy that I am still wearing them. Even though life is not as perfect as I would like, no alternative is better. I am satisfied that I have the best shoes for me.

 

Many have wondered why I am still where I am. My wife and I went through a period of about six to eight years where we had virtually no sex. Prior to that it had been better. And when we had sex during those years of drought, it was not what could be called passionate sex by any stretch of the imagination. At best it was mostly pity sex. I experienced a wife who had many mood swings. I never knew if she would be the same from one hour to the next. For some unknown reason, she had a lot of pain. (It was diagnosed as fibromyalgia, but no good solutions were provided to make her life better). She slept a lot. We were raising four children during this time. She worked. I worked. Did I also mention that we had little to no sex?

 

And during that time, I endured many rejections when approaching her for sex. One summer night in 2005, she told me that she never wanted sex again. And at our age (we were 41 then), we did not need to have sex. And if I did, then it was my selfish needs, because she did not need it. Another day in that summer, she told me how she had little sexual feeling for me anymore. Despite all of that we did remain friends. There was no more spark, but we were friends.

 

As a result of that, I came very close to a couple of affairs. One night after Thanksgiving, instead of heading to my usual Board of men who sought sex outside of marriage ( I hadn't but was attracted to the idea), I sat down and googled "forum low libido marriage." This is what brought me here in December of 2005. I posted my story. (Oh, I forgot to mention that my wife was sexually abused as a child...for many years. She was also bulimic as a teen. Yes, she has had much counseling in her 20s). Anyhow, like you I posted my story here and on a couple of other Boards. Thankfully as a result of these posts, two people mentioned that I should check into her thyroid levels...even though her tests showed that they were normal and she was on meds for it. I was directed to a website that seemed helpful.

 

Although it seemed like an unlikely solution, I went to the website, because I followed every idea that I could. After reading the website, I realized that my medical knowledge was not enough. To me it seemed logical. Since my wife is a nurse, I told her about it. I figured she could sort it all out. Long story short, she convinced her doctor to let her try a new medicine. In April of 2006, she began the new thyroid medicine. Within days, a radical change occurred in our lives. Much of her pain went away. Her mood swings have disappeared. And she needs less sleep. And yes, for a few months, we had great sex. Unfortunately, this has not stayed as constant, but lately again, our sex has picked up again.

 

What is my point? Everyone has shoes they walk in, and I think many would be grateful they did not walk in mine. But I decided that lonely year of 2005 (one of the worst years of my life...seriously) that I had a choice. I could go with the affair(s) that was presented to me, or I could decide to fix my marriage. My decision was based on the following premise (maybe not admirable): "I will try to fix my marriage, so that my wife cannot say that I did not try. If I have exhausted all means and she is not willing or does not change, then I can say that I tried to the best of my ability." What I found was a solution to my wife's medical problems..or most of them. Yes, she has been grateful for my research. She knows what my motivation was, but she loves me for my dedication. To this day, she is grateful for that last ditch effort.

 

Let me say...if I had chosen an affair, today I know I would not be married to my wife. And I know as I look around, there is NO one that compares to her. Back in 2005, my eyes were clouded with anger, depression, and sadness. But now I see clearly. Now when our marriage seems less than satisfactory, I know that tomorrow will be a better day. And yes, I have children. They depend on me to remember that oath I made.

 

Did I rationally make a choice? Yes. Do I know it could have gone a different way? Absolutely. That is why I can sit here and offer advice to you. I HAVE experienced what it is to be where you are. I have had to make a choice between another woman or my wife. And I remember this woman....from her talk and experiences, she was a sexual dynamo...which is exactly what I was lacking. That knowledge was tipping the scale in her favor. However, looking back, I know that so many other things on her side were lacking...EVEN though at that time I could not see it.

 

Conclusion...finally.....and this is why I tell you....Step back. Think of your family and future. Twenty five years of marriage with a woman who you said those vows to should not be let go for a woman whom today seems so perfect.

[lonelybird]

IMO, people should never vow "we love each other through thick and thin"

 

OP can you image the role reversed with your wife? It is your wife who fall in love with another man, and suppose you love your wife deeply

 

JamesM, beautiful post

[Lezbean]

Wow, have you shared these feelings that you have for this woman with your wife? I am not being sarcastic, but it would give you a dose of reality.

 

I understand how you feel, but do you think that thus far no affair of any sorts has occurred? What is your definition of "an affair?"

 

Do you still have your kissing games?

 

What do you hope to accomplish by having an ice cream date with her? How will you tell your wife about this "date?" Does you wife even know about your volunteer "friend?"

 

I agree with Kitten Moon. Your words indicate that you have taken a few steps down the road to a sexual affair. And knowing how you wife will feel does make me sad. I know that sounds strange, but if I think of your wife as my wife and me as you, I cringe as to the pain that she would feel. Since I communicate regularly via email with a woman whose husband had an affair, I have heard about all of the pain that a simple affair causes.

 

Perhaps one of these quotes below may strike a chord?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And in case you think I sit above you in judgment, I can say that this is far from it. I know that I have had to run from possible affairs, and I know I will have to do so in the future. I pray that I may have the strength to do so before I choose the wrong path.

 

I believe that you were brought here for a reason and given an opportunity to think before you leap. I am willing to guess that one day you will look back on this thread...what will your thoughts be....will you regret your choice or be glad of the direction you took? Of course, none of us know the future, but we make decisions based on what we know.

 

 

Beautiful!

 

You are my favorite poster. Keep up the excellent work.

[Obart]

Been awhile but here goes...

 

Still wrapped around the axle of this situation; no physical consummation of extra-marital relationship but deep emotional contact remains; we talk via e-mail virtually every day now, mostly light banter.

 

At times it seems like I'm living with her as we exchange snippests of our daily lives with each other.

 

She gave me cute present for birthday recently and I'm hoping to get together with her soon for hers.

 

We both feel there's something developing between us since she reacted physically to kisses we shared back in the late summer. We've seen each other infrequently alone whenever we can both make the time. We literally jumped thorough hoops to get together briefly to mark my birthday.

 

Started seeing a shrink in September in an effort to understand why I'm reacting to this woman in this fashion.

 

This could still be infatuaton but I'm less inclined to think so now.

 

Thoughts?

[ninjaturtles]

Does she (the OW) know that you are willing to leave your marraige of 25 years for her?

 

Has she ever been married before? If yes, for how long. If she has never been married, why not?