Yet another rebound question!

[funnyfarm]

Hi all:)

 

Well, obviously I'm new here...came across you guys via Google;)

 

Would love advice or kicks in the butt or whatever any of you feel I need to hear:eek:

 

When I first met my ex, he was in a dead end job that he was very unhappy in. While having lots of wonderful qualities, self-instilled motivation wasn't really one of them. We were together for 3 years. I am very involved with horses and decided, with his support, to go for my dream of building my own riding stable. In the meantime, I suggested he maybe look into farrier (horseshoeing) as a trade. Long story short, he decided to go for it. He spent the last 10 months at school seeing me on weekends or every second weekend. We worked so hard at building my riding school...I couldn't have done it without him but we always talked of how our hard work would always pay off and we would have our dream property with horses and a blacksmith shop for him.

 

Now....I over extended myself financially and emotionally into building this business. Anyone who knows horses knows how much money and time they suck! I was extra focused while my guy was in school as I wanted things to take off quickly so he and I could get back to each other when he was done school. Unfortunately, I didn't have much energy left over for myself, let alone him over the last several months.

 

I thought things were good. I mean, we barely got to see each other the last couple of months due to us both being busy but light was at the end of the tunnel.

 

His first weekend home after being done school, we hardly saw each other. I had a couple of stressful things happen that weekend and the sunday night, we had a fight. I pushed things too far and he left.

 

The next day, he left me a letter saying how he felt second fiddle to the horses and my goals. It broke my heart as I had asked him several times how he felt about our situation. I decided he was right...he was! And I decided to make some changes. Meanwhile, he says he thinks we need a break...how he doesn't want to break up and that he still loves me and wants our dream still but feels that forcing our relationship right now may make it end for sure.

 

Now, I need to say that the day before the fight, he hugged and kissed me and said, "I can't believe it's my first weekend home, and I don't get to see you"...later that night, he turned to me physically, but I was exhausted from the day's turmoil...kicking myself now! He also asked me if I had free time the next week to go up island with him and look at a truck. He'd even bought me a bottle of wine to celebrate the fact that we had made it through the long haul of being apart.

 

Ok....wow..this is getting long...I'm so sorry! A few days later, he comes by to shoe my horses and we have a good talk. I ask him, "what are we doing", he says, " We're just taking a break...I told you, I love you, I don't want to break up." We make arrangements to spend time together in a couple of days.

 

Ok...I'm going to leave out details here and get to the nitty gritty! I found out that he was hanging out with this girl from his farrier program. Now, she was in a live-in relationship also. Fast forward, I stumbled upon a message from a friend of his saying something about him and this other girl now that he's single...which he technically wasn't, but semantics. I confront him and he basically says that nothing is going on but now he feels that things are getting worse between us because I read this message (on the dreaded Facebook). We go to a movie and have a good time but he emails me saying that he doesn't like how I read this message.

 

OK....so he writes me a huge, and I mean, HUGE letter about how much he loves me and so desparately wants things to work out but feels like he wants to put everything into becoming a great farrier and I will become second fiddle to that like he was to my horses...he doesn't want to go through that again. He keeps telling me how much he loves me and I can tell he's hurting big time.

 

I'm devastated.....the next day, I'm desparate for answers and try one of his passwords on his email....never, ever done that before. OUCH to what I found:( An email from him to this girl telling her how crazy about her he was....now, this is one week later after she has left her boyfriend and only 5 days after we had our fight. Of course, I frigging lose it on him!

 

So....now...they're together. We broke up 5 weeks ago and while they didn't make it "official" right away, there was contact between them. Apparently, he's happy with her. To me, of course he is...they don't have any stresses what so ever:mad:

 

Gawd....there is so much more to this but I don't want to make you guys go cross-eyed with my first post:p

 

So....what do you all think? Rebound....not rebound?

[funnyfarm]

Me again.

 

I really need some guidance here. I thought I was doing ok...but the rollercoaster is so very hard. I spent the entire day yesterday in uncontrollable tears:( I was so close to calling him as I just needed to talk to him...not about us but just to feel something...like, we will be ok someday.

I left out so much in my last post as I didn't want to overwhelm myself s I am so emotionally drained. I also didn't want to make it too long.

 

Am I nuts to think this is a rebound? I have read so many of the rebound threads on here. The one thing that I've read is that sometimes people withdraw from the relationship before it's over and so then, the new relationship isn't a rebound. But, I honestly don't feel he did that. I mean, just a few months ago, we were talking kids and taking over his parents property.

 

I am having such a hard time with this as I don't understand how he can discard us and everything we went through/worked so hard for for so long:( Is it possible that he is just completely done and truly happy with this new person? Or, is he rebounding....she is completely opposite to me....I don't know what he sees in her although he told me once that he feels appreciated by her.

 

This is so incredibly hard. It doesn't help that he is staying at his parents which is literally 30 secs. from my house. I am so scared to run into the two of them.

 

Please help me understand or make sense of any of this:(

[Curious139]

Your pain is completely understandable and you are in the right place to share it. I can't answer your questions but you are in a vulnerable state of mind at the moment. You want answers to things for which there might not be rational answers.

 

If you were still in touch with your ex I'd suggest relationship counselling but really it is way past that.

 

It is so hard for each of us to accept the reality that sometimes relationships don't work out. There aren't necessarily simple or even good reasons why this happens - it just does.

 

I lost my love and I know why, although I'm really struggling to accept it. My fault for waiting too long.

 

Don't hesitate to post here. Lots of good people and we all have our share of pain. Be strong.

[marty]

if you both know how each other truely feels, then all you can do is give it some time i think

 

as long as you've said and done all you can to let him know where you stand thats all you can do.

 

that was my small comfort 2 weeks ago. knowing i had done everything i could. if he sees that , and he loves you, he might well come back. but dont hope for it or wish it like i did, because it will send you mad.

 

if he decides he doesnt want to , for whatever reason , ;if you know in yourself that you did all you could , you cant blame yourself.

 

very easy to put all the blame on yourself at this time,, but dont. if he loves you that much he wouldnt have got together with this other person quite so readily. it may well be a rebound,, but its not something i would have done in that situation. would you? i maybe wrong, and way off base, but maybe he's trying to get back at you or something. trying to make YOU feel second best.

 

remember, if you've done all you can, its all you can do. the rest is up to him.

[funnyfarm]

Thanks very much for your kind words everyone....they brought me to tears but I think that is a good thing as it helps me on this oh so hard road to healing.

 

Yesterday, I'm driving home and see her truck outside his house...20mins. later, I see her drive by when I'm at the corner store...not sure if he was in the truck or not. Then last night, I see her truck go by my work...yep, it's a small community. Sets me back every frigging time. I've thought about moving but I have put so much time and a lot of money into where I live. I have a very good deal on rent and with 3 horses still, I couldn't afford to find another place and board out 3 horses, it literally would double my living/horse expenses.

 

A friend at work said he saw my ex at a local bar. My ex is not a bar person...went to the bar maybe 4 times during our whole 3 years. Even when he was single, he didn't go to the bars and has never been much of a drinker. Everything he is doing is so out of character for him.

 

Marty, no...this is not something I would have done ie. another relationship so soon. However, from what I've read about rebounding and what I know of my ex, I feel, and my friends feel, that this is his way of dealing with his guilt and pain. Many don't think this will last. It frustrates me so badly as he has spent more free time with her in the last 6 weeks than we ever got to spend in the last 3 years. She's been over here for a week....came over for a week a couple of weeks ago..don't know how she affords to keep doing it....I think it's her "daddy's money"! It just makes me so unbearably sad as I keep thinking we needed so badly to spend time together and just when we could, things fell apart.

 

The separation was really hard on both of us. His mom wanted to throw him and I a "you guys made it party" when he came home. Some think he just got scared as things were so serious and real between us and he's thrown himself into a fantasy land to escape everything. Maybe...I know...not for me to worry about, is it?

 

We'd gone through so much....so much hardship...it had exhausted me and it had exhausted him too. I was hanging on by a bare thread waiting for him to get home. My life feels so empty right now...I haven't just lost him...I've lost my entire life plan. I sank so much money and energy into building this riding school. Now, I have neither. I'm 37 and back to waitressing. I'd give anything to go back and recognize the signs that I was in over my head sooner as it would have rescued us, I know.

 

Thanks for reading.....just knowing that people care enough to share their opinions means the world to me right now.

[funkybassplayer]

HI sorry to hear you are going through this, its very hard. The best thing mabe would be to not think about his new relationship and why hes in it, cos rebound ot not, hes with some one new. Sorry i know this hurts you, but the best thing you really can do is let him get on with his life and you yours, and just see what time will bring. YEs he may drift further away and so might you, or you may both miss each other, but if you can try to concentrate on you and your life, you may finds that thing may natually sort themselves out. Take care of yourself.

[marty]

take some time for yourself. you have to look after yourself. trust me i know,,, because i havent been looking after myself at all.

 

its the hardest pain, and i wouldnt want it on my worst enemy,, but we are all here to help in any small we we can,

 

think though for a sec,,,, when times get tough, really tough, you need to know that you can rely on your partner 100%. think about that for a sec...... its when the world get that bad you want to throw in the towel,,, i'm with you girl,,, i've still got the towel in my hand. But remember the people around you that love you and are there for you. draw on them now,, they'll listen. and it will help, trust me.

 

i would NOT have got through the last 3 weeks if it hadn't been for this place and my friends and family.

 

i'm in the same place you are,, 35 and feel i've got nothing to show for my life,,, sitting i'm my new empty house that was gonna be full of dreams,,and now ,,, nothing,,,,,but surely that cant be true,, can it?

 

write down anything here,,,,doesnt matter what,,,, rant on about nothing,, just the way you feel right now,, it all helps

 

you've read my thread, ,,, you know what i mean.

[funnyfarm]

You guys are awesome...really. I am so happy I found this place as I feel so bad for leaning on my friends so much....you know..you get tired of feeling like a broken record. Here, I know you all relate so well so while it can be quite sad to read some of the hardship going on here it also helps.

 

I have had many friends tell me I am the strongest person they know, but they also said that it is the strongest that fall the hardest...aint that the truth. There have been a few times now when I am crying so hard that I find my truck drifting toward a telephone pole on the side of the road...part blinded by tears...maybe part subconscious....but, not to worry, I care too much about those depending on me to do anything stupid...that's not me in the slightest.

 

One thing I'm having trouble with is staying friends with my friends who are close with him. Two of my biggest supporteres/confidantes in this whole mess is my ex's best friend and his girlfriend. However, I am feeling somewhat resentful to them, especially his best friend. When my ex and I first had the fight, his best friend called me the next day and had me come over. He told me to go and see my ex (not an ex then) said he loves me and I should nip this in the bud. He said this several times. But, he never once went to my ex and said, hey....what are you doing...you've got 3 years invested here..you love her...you guys have just been through a draining time with finances/separation...spend some time with her. They actually didn't talk about it until almost a month went by and by then it was way too late. I feel badly for thinking these negative thoughts about my friends but I still have them. It's so hard as I met my ex and these friends when I was a volunteer firefighter. I was planning on going back to the firehall (even before we broke up) but now, my ex is bringing his new gf around and I need to drop all contact. But, it's so hard knowing that she's there taking my place, not with just him, but with all MY friends. I've had them and other friends say, to the hell with him...hold your head up high and go back to the firehall...as much as I'd love to, I just can't:(

 

Funkybass....I agree about not thinking about why he's in this relationship. I just wish I didn't have to worry about seeing her/him. But, I'm slowly getting better...I'm not looking at his and her Facebook...that's something isn't it?

 

Marty...I hear ya about still holding the towel....every single day, I am reminded of all the hard work my ex put into this property helping me build my riding school. It breaks my heart...it truly does.

 

Anyway, it's a beautiful evening out and I'm tired of crying. I think I'm going to spend time with one of my beautiful horses. I'm up for a scholarship for a coaching clinic so I need to practice!

 

Thanks again to all of you:love:

[Curious139]

The problem with confiding in friends and family is that they inevitably come with a built-in bias - either sympathetic to you, or the other person. So you can't always rely on the people you'd normally talk to in a crisis - you need to pick the most sensible ones.

 

That is why professional counsellors are valuable. They can listen without making judgements and guide your thinking into more healthy direstions.

 

This site achieves the same, its just not quite like sitting down face to face.

[marty]

i agree curious.

 

somethings said on my thread i maybe didnt really want to hear, but needed to. ppl on your side will tell you what you want to hear and maybe not what you need to.

 

hang in there girl.

[marty]

how you feelin today ????

[funnyfarm]

Today....up and down...had a good cry this morning then spent several hours on the phone with friends...thank god for friends.

 

It's semi-comforting recognizing finally why I'm going through this...can't believe it took me 5 years to face my fears/guilt. It still saddens me immensely that I lost my bf through all this but then again, I may never have realized and learned what I have if I hadn't had to go through the most painful lesson of my 37 years to date. Part of me wanted to call my ex and tell him everything I have realized...not in anyway an "I hope we get back together" type of talk as that is not my intention. But, now is not the time. One day, I will as he is a very special person to me and if I hadn't him in my life I would never have gone the road I have or learned the lessons I learned. I have been friends with all of my exes, some very good ones and hopefully, he and I will be ok again some day.

 

So....I know there are more tears to come...it's part of the process. Thanks again to everyone here that has been so kind, honest and supportive:love: