DonQuixote Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 So my wife of two years (relationship of almost seven years) moved out last month and is even having her father help her buy a home. I've been reading up a lot lately on the best way to deal with this, and most of the material says to basically just leave the person to live their own life and try to make as little contact as possible. Granted, right now it is difficult since we both actually work at the same company, and have for almost two years. I have been trying. I don't make first contact with her with phone calls or on chat, and I avoid her at work. Anyhow, even though she was the one that wanted to break it off, and in fact did--it seems she has tried to be more controlling since she 'left me' than when she was with me the month before. More so, she seems to think she can keep asking me to help her out with favors and such because were 'still married.' She has already criticized me for getting another car (i want better gas mileage), for changing/updating my information on my networking site (one of my ways to move on), and has even tried to give me an ultimatum to choose either her friendship or a friend of mine who pissed her off. What's worse, I just helped this friend get a job at our employer and she was threatening to mix her personal problem with him at work. I told her that was totally inappropriate and I basically let her know that giving me ultimatums and threats on our 'friendship' will only weaken the fragile state it is already in after her recent decision to leave me. At this point I'm just getting really fed up, and tired of what seems like emotional head-games to me from somebody who acts like they want their space and freedom, but still want to enjoy the perks from the man they married. Any advice?
fabulousgal Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 Advice: Ignore this toxic person and go on about your life. Who is she to threaten you or get mad at what you change on your websites. She'll probably get more psycho and controlling because she will think she is losing her power over you, until the next victim comes along. Sorry you had to go through this. FG
funkybassplayer Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 i knowhats its like to be with a controlling woman, and while it is due to her inscuritys, its still hell. I had it for 2 years, but never really realised untill the relationship was over, b/c she lost control over my actions! Best thing is to do what you like, as she has nothing to do with your life anymore, and in all fairness, nobody has the right to control another. IT is a sighn of weakness and not strenth, on thier part. She has no right to dictate your frieds, and no one ever does even. Just continue to do what you do and let her rant, and ignor it. You will find that she has deep issues from many years ago to act in this way.
Author DonQuixote Posted August 17, 2007 Author Posted August 17, 2007 Thanks. Good to know I'm doing the right thing. As a sidenote, I find it interesting that I came from a very detached and unemotional family where divorce has always been common--yet ironically all I've ever wanted and strived for in my two failed marriages was the security of a family. She came from a very close-knit family where nobody has divorced for at least three generations. You would think with her more 'normal' upbringing she would be more emotional stable than myself, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I've always been the one to want to work things out and make the relationship work, but felt that women in general these days just don't seem to care about commitment anymore, or feel the grass will always be greener on the other side, or just have expectations that are way to high for the relationship. I remember last year when we were in marital counseling how our counselor made a note about how men and women perceive expectations. He jokingly said that whenever he asked men and women what their expectations would be for a spouse after they come home from work--many of the guys would jokingly say something along the lines of "Just be naked and holding a hot meal". The woman of course had a laundry list of expectations. Anyhow, counselor stated, all joking aside, that women could learn from the men to have more reasonable expectations in the marriage and not make it like a chore list.
reservoirdog1 Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 If you hadn't put up your second post already, my advice would have been "tell her to go fyck herself." Which still stands, but it sounds like you're not willing to let her control you, so job done. She had zero right to "control" you when she was still your wife in more than just law. Now that she's moved out, she has less right, if that's even possible. You have no obligation to "help her out because you're still married". What a load of *****. She ended the marriage, she can learn to survive on her own. Not your problem anymore. Sounds cold, but that's how you have to be. She needs to experience life without you.
Woggle Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 She has no right whatsoever to tell you what to do and you need to let her know that in no incertain terms. She wants her space and she has that right but you have the right to yours as well.
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