kateyprice Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 We went to school together and almost 6 years ago met up at a school reunion. We were both married - I am now getting divorced - and it was all those stupid film cliches from When Harry Met Sally. We both felt the same way. We are both 43 now. I was the stronger partner in my marriage and he is in his marriage. He has a good job and has to take responsibility for just about everything. He wants us to be together, but cannot really bear to have his children who are now almost 18 an 15 to have to see their parents marriage break up. 2 things I am looking for really from the people here. Firstly, I've read all the posts about how we are cheaters etc. Neither of us were happy in our marriages, but neither of us went looking for anything - we had always been completely faithful - but this came along and it was instant 'this is where I should be and be with', on both our parts. How can he exricate himself with as little hurt as possible to his children? His wife is completely happy with the companionship relationship that they have. She claims it is the menopause but she has a vibrator she uses a lot and didnt tell him she had it!! And can anybody out there tell me that it does work out when 2 people met and get together eventually? Please help - I am tired of being on this rollercoaster
Touche Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 From reading what you've written here, I'm getting the impression that he doesn't want to and won't leave his marriage. But why not just wait a few more years until the youngest child is 18? I mean you've already gone this long, what's a few more years?
SanDiegoGuy Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 Well, I am new here too. But.....reading through a LOT of posts and threads, and getting some advice I didn't really want to hear.....You are on a rollercoaster, for sure, and it's going to get more intense before it levels out. You two live in the same area? You are early on in this thing...you still have the opportunity (and it IS an opportunity) to not let your 'lust' guide you into a spiral that you will not like. Trust me on this one. And, if you're like me, you're reading thing thinking "not what I want to hear, someone tell me what I need"....but....you know.......be careful. Cause even if you are head over heels......there's going to be some interesting times in front of you. Trust me. Or not. But I'm there myself. (And, I know, your situation is different, etc., etc. etc.) Seriously, take some time to read through some of the other threads. I know...your heart tells you one thing... just....take some time...now. Before you can't.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 Touche, It sounds like he wants the kids to me more like 30ish, or maybe he is starting to worry about how the grandkids will take it? Yeah... take it from me, there is no way to soften the blow. But divorce is better than watching your parents cheat on each other for 10 years!
Touche Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 Touche, It sounds like he wants the kids to me more like 30ish, or maybe he is starting to worry about how the grandkids will take it? Yeah... take it from me, there is no way to soften the blow. But divorce is better than watching your parents cheat on each other for 10 years! :laugh:Funny, Cobra. But you know what? You kind of said what I didn't say directly. And that's that I think he's handing her a line. All that stuff about the marriage is just a companionship and the wife's secret use of a vibrator...I don't know. I think he's handing you a pack of lies. So I think Cobra is right on.
norajane Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 You are early on in this thing...you still have the opportunity (and it IS an opportunity) to not let your 'lust' guide you into a spiral that you will not like. Early on? She's been having this affair with him for over 5 years. I'd say that's pretty far along. How can he exricate himself with as little hurt as possible to his children?By being fair to his wife and giving her the option to find someone who can love her in a way he does not. By being honest and telling her HE is not satisfied with a relationship of 'companionship' and hasn't been satisfied for a very long time even if she is, and that it's time for their marriage to end. 43 is actually quite young, and she could find a man who is passionate about her. But I honestly don't believe him...if his wife is also around 43, is he really claiming she's been complaining about menopause for the last 5 years??? I know it's 'possible', but most 37 year old women don't have symptoms of menopause.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 :laugh:Funny, Cobra. But you know what? You kind of said what I didn't say directly. And that's that I think he's handing her a line. All that stuff about the marriage is just a companionship and the wife's secret use of a vibrator...I don't know. I think he's handing you a pack of lies. So I think Cobra is right on. LOL... yeah, You were trying to be nice... as always.
outofdarkness Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 We went to school together and almost 6 years ago met up at a school reunion. We were both married - I am now getting divorced - and it was all those stupid film cliches from When Harry Met Sally. We both felt the same way. We are both 43 now. I was the stronger partner in my marriage and he is in his marriage. He has a good job and has to take responsibility for just about everything. He wants us to be together, but cannot really bear to have his children who are now almost 18 an 15 to have to see their parents marriage break up. 2 things I am looking for really from the people here. Firstly, I've read all the posts about how we are cheaters etc. Neither of us were happy in our marriages, but neither of us went looking for anything - we had always been completely faithful - but this came along and it was instant 'this is where I should be and be with', on both our parts. How can he exricate himself with as little hurt as possible to his children? His wife is completely happy with the companionship relationship that they have. She claims it is the menopause but she has a vibrator she uses a lot and didnt tell him she had it!! And can anybody out there tell me that it does work out when 2 people met and get together eventually? Please help - I am tired of being on this rollercoaster How terrible that he tells you that personal stuff about his W...Is it your business that she uses a vibrator??? THIS is the sort of stuff that drove me nuts..YOU and HE had the A...NOT you, your MM and his W!!! I can almost guarantee that he has no intention of leaving his W...You see it over and over and over on LS..The same excuses, just different wording..How do YOU know that she's perfectly happy w/ just being companions w/ her H? YOU just know what your MM is telling you and by default, he's a liar...My advice would be to move on and find someone who respects you enough to do the honorable thing...
outofdarkness Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 We went to school together and almost 6 years ago met up at a school reunion. We were both married - I am now getting divorced - and it was all those stupid film cliches from When Harry Met Sally. We both felt the same way. We are both 43 now. I was the stronger partner in my marriage and he is in his marriage. He has a good job and has to take responsibility for just about everything. He wants us to be together, but cannot really bear to have his children who are now almost 18 an 15 to have to see their parents marriage break up. 2 things I am looking for really from the people here. Firstly, I've read all the posts about how we are cheaters etc. Neither of us were happy in our marriages, but neither of us went looking for anything - we had always been completely faithful - but this came along and it was instant 'this is where I should be and be with', on both our parts. How can he exricate himself with as little hurt as possible to his children? His wife is completely happy with the companionship relationship that they have. She claims it is the menopause but she has a vibrator she uses a lot and didnt tell him she had it!! And can anybody out there tell me that it does work out when 2 people met and get together eventually? Please help - I am tired of being on this rollercoaster also, just a word of caution since you're new...I'd be careful about screen names, etc..you really want to try to be as anonymous as possible..I don't know if there's any significance to your screen, but it looks as if it's your name or someone else's...just fyi
Touche Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 I agree darkness. (And Cobra, I WAS trying to be nice, so there!)
frannie Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 He wants us to be together, but cannot really bear to have his children who are now almost 18 an 15 to have to see their parents marriage break up. How can he exricate himself with as little hurt as possible to his children? His wife is completely happy with the companionship relationship... What you need to know is, how happy is HE with this 'companionship relationship'..? Does it offer him enough that he will want to stay there even if you leave his life when you divorce..? He's only early 40s so his life is in no way over... does he see himself staying there for years, into retirement and so on with this woman who is what to him..? Because it may be that he IS happy with that, and while he would like things to be different, he's prepared to accept that they probably never will be. You've been together five years now, and in that time how did the conversations go about the future..? What were you both saying at the start... that your marriages were 'over'..? Has the script changed over time... has the fact that you've realised you don't have what you want with your H been reflected in similar changes of heart in your MM..? How did he react when you said you were divorcing..? Did he start thinking more of a possible future, or did he start feeling the pressure..? What I'm trying to get at is whether this is a case of a man who is through with his relationship and actively thinking of leaving to be with you. Or it's wishful dreaming on his part that you're buying into. Is it just that he can't bear the thought of his children facing the divorce of his parents..? OR is it that he is the one who doesn't like the idea of divorce..? THAT is what you need to find out. My instinct is that he's the one who doesn't like the idea of divorce. I'm basing that on two 'facts' that you gave about him: he doesn't like the idea of his children facing parental divorce, and that his W is happy with what they have. i.e. he has not one reason but two to stay married (kids, and wife). But it may be the way you phrased things. If he's more concerned about doing duty and keeping everyone happy (and thereby of course pleasing himself), you may have a very stuck man there and your best bet is to start looking for your future elsewhere.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 1. How can he exricate himself with as little hurt as possible to his children? 2. His wife is completely happy with the companionship relationship that they have. 1. By hiding you for a very long time after the divorce. If the kids find out about your affair, even after the divorce then Dad will always be a 'cheating assh*le' who hurt their mother and destroyed her life, and you will always be the 'whore' who helped him. I hate to put it in those terms, but that is just how the perception of it is in the bluntest terms possible, from their point of view. Kids are protective of the family unit - particularly of the wronged parent, and if they get the idea that the family was fine before you came along (regardless of how it actually was) then you and he are going to be tarred with the same brush. It will take a long time for things to settle, if they ever really do. Years down the road, the kids might be begrudgingly polite to your face, but understand that behind your back will always be a different story. If you can keep the affair under wraps for as long as possible and try to pass yourself off as someone your Dad started dating, say... a year after the divorce then you might have a chance. None whatsoever if the kids find out that you were on the scene during the marriage, and helped tear apart two families in order to be together. What do you expect though? Can you honestly expect any different reaction? 2. Which is why the above is probably a moot point. As long as his wife is happy, and he is the primary source of financial support, he will likely always feel too guilty to lower the hammer on her. His guilt, obligation and love for his wife will keep him tied to her. He may not love her in the same way he loves you, but its apparent that when it comes down to placing things on a scale in her favor or yours, she has far more in her favor keeping him with her than you do. You will want to consider some therapy. There are more than a few OW out there who abandoned their families and divorced for a MM who reneged on their end of the deal and stayed married. If you want to stay with him, then find a way to accept with and cope with your limited relationship. Limited is basically all you can expect. That is, of course unless he shows you signed and notarized divorce papers, and a lease on his new place - but, after five years of not having to do that in order to be with you why would he do it now? Its apparent that he doesn't have to give up his marriage, so why would he? Simply by 'being there' you are making it fairly easy for him to stay married, and continue keeping you in your place.
PoshPrincess Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 His wife is completely happy with the companionship relationship that they have. She claims it is the menopause but she has a vibrator she uses a lot and didnt tell him she had it!! I may be wrong but it sounds like it might be his W who is unhappy with the marriage, albeit content with 'plodding along' and going through the motions, and that he is trying to seek happiness elsewhere because he isn't getting it at home. By this I don't mean sex, but just the love/affection/attention that's missing. He has good memories of you, Katey, and probably feels a lot of affection for you but I think that maybe he DOES love his W deep down. She's just not showing any love in return and he's feeling rejected.
Author kateyprice Posted August 17, 2007 Author Posted August 17, 2007 Thank you for all your comments. I have posted a reply as a guest user but it will take some time to show. The name Katey Price is is an elderly relative's maiden name from another continent so I have tried to be discreet! The MM is a genuine guy - and I have known him a long time otherwise I would have stopped all this. My life was quite grim, and he has helped me so much and given huge amounts of support. Anyway, have a look at my other posting when it appears. I had initiated some of the suggestions made, thank you Frannie and Lucrezia - so I think I am on the right lines, but I do need to ensure that he has the necessary converations,, which he has not had with his w, and you are right - possibly he doesn't like the idea of being tarnished as divorced. It has been a long time, but part of that was that we had been completely faithfull and as we began to see each other, we both slowly realised that what we each had as a marriage and relationship was actually very poor; I did try to change things within my marriage but it didn't happen and I would have gone mad staying in it.
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