Matt999 Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Just want to see what people think. I've been seeing a girl for nearly a month now. We've been getting on great and I'm hoping it will last. I haven't told her that I have a bit of a record and did 3 months in jail and got out in June. I've had to come up with a few stories to explain things but that's been fine until now. This si the first girl I've been with since getting out so it's only coming up as a problem now. Should I wait longer before telling her or if I leave it longer is it making thinks worse. I was in jail for assault eventhough I'm not really the violent type. I'm thinking that this makes it seem worse. What would you do and what would you think if you were told this?
JeanQueen Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Considering you've already "come up with a few stories to explain things" you're probably kinda screwed on this. When the questions came up you should have been honest right away and explained the situation. Now that you've lied she is going to wonder what else you're lying about and it's just going to snowball from there. You can try telling her something like "I like you so much and was afraid that if you knew, you wouldn't want to get to know me. And now that you know the kind of guy I am I hope you can over look what happened in the past because you mean a lot to me". That's what I would try. Good luck.
norajane Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Jail for assault? Yeah, unless you were somehow defending yourself in a bar fight or from someone trying to kill you, I'd run in the other direction. I'm sorry, but I'd be afraid that no matter how nice you seem, you'd lose your temper or something some night and hurt me.
jcster Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 I'm sorry, but no-one gets 90 days for assault for minor offenses. You really need to tell her the truth - even though it's too late.
Starry-eyed Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 Just want to see what people think. I've been seeing a girl for nearly a month now. We've been getting on great and I'm hoping it will last. I haven't told her that I have a bit of a record and did 3 months in jail and got out in June. I've had to come up with a few stories to explain things but that's been fine until now. This si the first girl I've been with since getting out so it's only coming up as a problem now. Should I wait longer before telling her or if I leave it longer is it making thinks worse. I was in jail for assault eventhough I'm not really the violent type. I'm thinking that this makes it seem worse. What would you do and what would you think if you were told this? Sorry to be harsh, but now you've got a history of violence AND lying, so that's not too good. In general, I can't imagine dating someone who'd been to jail. If you respect this girl and care about her, you owe her the truth.
Author Matt999 Posted August 17, 2007 Author Posted August 17, 2007 It really wasn't that bad but I was on probation so that's what did it for me
Cobra_X30 Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 It really wasn't that bad but I was on probation so that's what did it for me Are you kidding? This is more like a turn on for most girls! Unless you were beating up old ladies or something. Yeah... its going to make you dangerous... and exciting!
jcster Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 Are you kidding? This is more like a turn on for most girls! Unless you were beating up old ladies or something. Yeah... its going to make you dangerous... and exciting! On what planet? Do you really think that's true? Maybe if you're dating 12 year olds from the trailer park!
allina Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 Hmm, I dated a guy pretty casually who was in and out of jail, he's in prison now serving 10 years. Though he was a close friend and deep down a good person there is no way I would date a jail bird now that I've grown up a little.
johan Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 Just tell her. Be straight with her. Take the consequences.
rainfall Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 I wouldn't have a problem with it, but thats mostly because I am not an angel and I have messed up before and been to jail. Everyone makes mistakes and hopefully you have truly learned from your mistake and don't ever plan to go back to jail. On paper assault looks pretty bad, but I don't know the whole story and hopefully your gf will be able to listen what you tell her and be willing to give you a chance.
Mezzi Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 Well I probably would be a little scared of you and break up with you and I guess a lot of women would do this. I really think its up to you. You can tell her now and she may walk especially if you guys recently met or started dating or you can wait and tell her later when she might be a little bit more attached to you. Everyone makes mistakes and im not encouraging you to lie just dont tell her you were in jail.
dropdeadlegs Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 Matt999. Assault is a little scary without details. Probation is also a little scary without details. Maybe more info would make me hop onto one side of the fence or the other. I spent 48 hours in jail for DUI several years ago, so i don't place judgment on jail time alone. I also had a friend who did 90 days for simple possession of marijuana. but that particular court date was not his first rodeo with the law, either. I'm not sure I see the importance of admitting all the ghosts of the past. I suppose it depends on the relationship and how much you are committed to not making the same mistakes.
Capricciosa Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 I wonder why it's becoming a problem now. I can see why you might not want to fess up right of the bat and be judged before she got to know you. But even though I am very open-minded and know that sometimes s**t happens, assault + the probation might scare me off, no matter how much I liked you-----unless you were also ready to tell me how you were dealing with yourself in the present so these types of things/behaviors stayed in the past. Jailbird isn't sexy, but man trying to actively progress is.
lino Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 Are you kidding? This is more like a turn on for most girls! Unless you were beating up old ladies or something. Yeah... its going to make you dangerous... and exciting! Agree 100% bad guys get the girls
Mustang Sally Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 Agree 100% bad guys get the girls Huh? What kind of girls? Stupid? Desperate? Self-destructive? (I could go on.) I think DDL has good advice for you. Depends on how serious you are about not screwing up in this (or any similar) way again. Personally, this kind of history would be a dealbreaker for me. Please don't do something regrettable to/with this girl.
CancerianQueen Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Huh? What kind of girls? Stupid? Desperate? Self-destructive? (I could go on.) I think DDL has good advice for you. Depends on how serious you are about not screwing up in this (or any similar) way again. Personally, this kind of history would be a dealbreaker for me. Please don't do something regrettable to/with this girl. Personally I think you are assuming a little too much. The guy said he was in jail for assault. This doesn't mean he beats women. I think this does attract women and doesn't have anything to do with them being self destructive or stupid or desperate. Many women like to date a man that they know can defend them if necessary.
Mustang Sally Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 The beauty of this forum is that we are all entitled to our opinions. I respect your take, CancerianQueen. But I stand by my original response that jail-time (for pretty much whatever - assault, tax evasion, drug possession, etc...) would be a dealbreaker for me having any kind of serious LTR with a guy. I guess I'm just weird that way. And I was replying to the silly notion that you have to be a BAD guy to get girls.
CancerianQueen Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 I just didn't appreciate you classifying women who like bad guys as being desperate and stupid. If that wasn't what you meant I apologize. I just think you were being a little harsh there. I understand if it's not the kind of thing you would do, but insulting people because they would want to do it is a little harsh.
Mustang Sally Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Ok. I appreciate your point. But STILL stand by what I originally said. Maybe we'll just have to agree to disagree? It concerns me that a gal who goes for the "bad" guy naively thinks she can "save" or change him. Or that maybe she doesn't respect herself enough to think she deserves a "good" guy. Or she is attracted to risky (risque???) behavior. I just think "good" guys can get a little risky/raunchy/risque too, if given the chance and the inspiration. And hopefully with a little less risk of major emotional drama... Admittedly, I was making a generalization and a JUDGEMENT (which is usually a very UNpopular thing to do in today's PC society...) If the shoe fits....
CancerianQueen Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 When people say "bad" it doesn't necessarily mean that they are out to break the law or get into trouble. "Bad" sometimes means rebellious and these guys can also be very sweet. I don't have any problem with you not wanting to date a guy who's been in jail. I respect your opinion. It's just that I felt your judgment was unnecessary. I think you understand what I meant now but I'm just clearing it up in case you didn't.
Arizona100 Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 The guy I am seeing has a DUI, I took it as an information and nothing more. He told me a couple days after we hooked up. People make mistakes... so?
CancerianQueen Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 I agree with Arizona 100. Just because a person has been in jail doesn't make them a bad and violent person and being in jail for assault does not make one a woman abuser.
lino Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Mustang Sally, I wish I could to say I agree with you but I don't. Yeah bad guys get girls that you described above but they also get 'normal' and 'nice' ones too. I considered myself to be a 'good' guy but since I last got dumped and began reading these message boards I've been working on turning myself into an as*hole because how I was before got me nowhere with women.
directx Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Mustang Sally, I wish I could to say I agree with you but I don't. Yeah bad guys get girls that you described above but they also get 'normal' and 'nice' ones too. I considered myself to be a 'good' guy but since I last got dumped and began reading these message boards I've been working on turning myself into an as*hole because how I was before got me nowhere with women. Good luck with that. But why are you turning yourself into something you don't believe in. Are you just going to live a lie the rest of your life? It won't work. In high school i've tried being something im not. Once i was my INCREDIBLE self, thats when dating starting coming in. Id stick to guns and true self if I were you.
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