shadowplay Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 If you haven't been following my posts, this is the guy: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t126361/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t127265/ So we've been seeing each other for about a month and a half (8 dates or so and we went down to NY together this weekend). It seems like we're almost at the gf/bf point. Last night I brought up the exclusivity thing and he said he wants to be. I find him very intimidating. Though people seem to consider me attractive (even if I often don't feel it), I've always been extremely shy with low confidence. The guys I dated in the past were often people I wasn't that attracted to but felt I wouldn't be rejected by. I took what was easy because I thought I couldn't do any better. It sounds terrible, I know and I would never repeat that mistake. To be fair a lot of those guys turned out to be jerks who used me as much as I did them. But this new guy is strikingly different. I actually admire him and really like him to the point that I'm extremely intimidated and nervous in his presence. He's confident, extraverted, intelligent, funny, good-looking... I find myself gazing at him almost in awe half the time...thinking 'is this really mine?' It's like even though I intellectually know he's with me, on some level he seems out of reach because I don't deserve him. The really strange thing is he seems to be or have been intimidated by me. Last night we were lying in bed and he said he feels really lucky to be here with me and that if four months ago someone had told him he'd have never believed them. He said that it's weird because he thought I was beautiful before he even knew me from afar and now he thinks I'm even more beautiful from millimeters away. He's said used to being a voyeur and he's readjusting to his new role as an active participant. He's come to expect rejection from girls. Though he tells me these things in private moments, generally he seems infinitely more confident than I am and I can't fathom how he could possibly be intimidated by me. In fact, I keep on thinkiing he must feel like I don't measure up somehow because I'm so nervous and uncool around him. I feel like our relationship is doomed because my nerves are making it impossible for me to be myself with him. I'm always scared of saying the wrong thing. In a way he still feels like a stranger to me. Yet I don't want to mention anything to him for fear it might put a pall over our relationship. Any advice?
Gia77 Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Your situation sounds similar to my situation when I started dating my boyfriend. I never fell in love with anyone before him. I never was treated badly- I just never had a serious relationship..I guess I was just enjoying being single, partying and casually dating. I was friends with my bf before we started dating and (to my surprise) started to fall in love with him even before our first date. He started liking me back and then there we were, going out together. In the beginning I couldn't believe that I was dating someone so nice and incredible and that he thought the same about me... And years later sometimes I look at him and still can't believe that he's all mine! You brought up being exclusive and he agreed- if he thought it was too soon he would have told you. He may just come across as more calm and confident than you but he may be intimidated by you too! I also worry about saying the wrong thing but it's silly. Be yourself and enjoy the time you guys are spending together. Don't worry too much about making sure that this relationship doesn't fail- Just have fun.
norajane Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 So you're always afraid of rejection and he's always expecting it. Sounds like a match made in heaven. He's been honest with you about his fears. You should be honest with him about yours. He sounds like he would understand how it feels to HAVE those kinds of fears, and he'll probably be just as surprised that you have those fears as you were to find out that HE has those fears. I guarantee, that once you tell him your fears, you will no longer be afraid. It will be such a relief for you tell him. And then you can both laugh at each other and commence with the snuggling and enjoying. I used to be shy when I was young, and I discovered that being open and honest about your fears and imperfections and frailties makes you feel stronger. You get support from people, you get understanding, and that has a way of helping. But more than that, it opens the door for you to laugh at yourself and STOP TAKING YOURSELF SO SERIOUSLY. And you don't have to do it alone.
lino Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 So you're always afraid of rejection and he's always expecting it. Sounds like a match made in heaven. I was just going to write the same I think everything else norajane says is good advice also. If you both feel like that I think it shouldn't be a problem to tell him how you feel, especially now that he's told you. He probably felt a huge weight come off his shoulders and you probably will too if you let him know how you feel. Happy to hear it's working out for you
Carbine Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 At risk of sounding like a typical female: you two really need to talk.
Author shadowplay Posted August 17, 2007 Author Posted August 17, 2007 At risk of sounding like a typical female: you two really need to talk. What should I say and how should I bring it up?
norajane Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 What should I say and how should I bring it up? Do it the way he did it, just use your own words: Last night we were lying in bed and he said he feels really lucky to be here with me and that if four months ago someone had told him he'd have never believed them. He said that it's weird because he thought I was beautiful before he even knew me from afar and now he thinks I'm even more beautiful from millimeters away. He's come to expect rejection from girls. Though he tells me these things in private moments, generally he seems infinitely more confident than I am and I can't fathom how he could possibly be intimidated by me. In fact, I keep on thinkiing he must feel like I don't measure up somehow because I'm so nervous and uncool around him.
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