mourningMM Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 praying for him... It sounds like you understand the points I made...and that you feel you have grown to the point that your safe space is solid. If you are building that friendship and relationship...you may want to look at information on the web about effective co-parenting. So that if your love and friendship dong grow back into a marriage, you still can be effective working together raising your children. I wish you hope and happiness...however your relationship with him works out. You love him, you will support him, you want him in your life, he needs you..put it in God's hands, and keep your eyes open.
Gunny376 Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I don't need to feel like his best friend. I just know that I am. And when questioning God about my next step, He tells me to keep loving. And because I'm not in the position of wife anymore, all I can be is his friend. I don't need him to rely on me. I let all my friends know that they can rely on me when they need to. He's no different. And he doesn't try to fool me. He's honest with me and when I feel he's not, I call him on it like I would anyone else. I've grown immensely in the past five years. I'd be happy to tell you all about my growth, because I'm really impressed by it myself. It makes me appreciate how God is turning my pain to gladness. And it grows my faith even stronger. My Girls know exactly what their dad is doing. I don't hide a thing from them. They are teenagers. They need to know that what he is doing is wrong and that they should never think that they deserve to be treated the way he has treated us. But, at the same time, they are learning to love their Dad regardless of what he is doing. That's unconditional love. Not acceptance of his behavior. He and I are building a new relationship. A friendship. Which is the basis of any relationship. And we'll just see where that leads. My marriage has fallen apart. I've let him go. We're starting over. Thank you for the prayers for me and My Girls. But it's him that really needs the prayers the most. He doesn't need your pity. That's ALL day STRONG! Its like I told my XW? "I love you so much, I rather see you happy with someone else than miserable with ME!" "E" couldn't handle me and the Corps ~ that's just the way it was. She couldn't handle my coming in and flying away on a moment's notice. "Where are you going?" "I don't know!"" "When will I hear from you?" "I don't know!" "When will you call?" "I don't know!" "Where can I send mail?" "I don't know!" Ruckup! Mountout! "I loved a gal from a Missippie town! She told me it was EITHER me or the Corps! Now I don't go to Missippie ~anymore!"
Author butterfly37 Posted August 24, 2007 Author Posted August 24, 2007 Okay, for today's news. X called because I left him an email regarding some of our current financial obligations. He's currently clear across the country visiting his GF. He was texting me last night to let me know that he would call me today to discuss the note that I left him. He's sleeping in the loft above her garage. And, yes, I believe him. 1. He has no reason to lie to me. 2. We texted back and forth for about half an hour. It was about 1:30 in the morning where he is. 3. It's of no concern to me wether or not my X is having a physical relationship with his current GF. They've been doing it for years. He just mentioned in conversation that it was hot in the loft where he was sleeping. It wasn't an issue. Anyway, when he called today we talked about the money issues very casually and he said that he would get some money to me some how because The Girls are starting school (books, clothes, fees). Usually money is a very stressful issue for us to discuss. But all went well. Nice change. We talked about The Girls for a bit, keeping everything light and upbeat. Then I asked him how he was doing and he said, "Ok, I guess. How are you doing?". I told him, "You know me, still kickin'. Happy for what I do have and missing what I don't have." He said, "Ya, me too. I've made so many mistakes and I just don't know how to make it all right again. And I don't know where God fits in anymore." I told him, "God meets you where you are." He started to break down and said, "Do you really think so?" I told him, "I know so." At that point he couldn't take any more and had to say good-bye. Told me he'd be home at the end of the month and that he would call me some time in between again. He's putting an offer on a place about 15 minutes from my house today. That tells me that he doesn't plan on moving to the other side of the country to be with OW. But who knows, maybe she's planning on moving here? One of her children has already moved back here for work and to be with friends that he made while they lived here. What is your take on the conversation? I just can't help remembering him telling me that he misses the way I make him feel and that he hates the thought of me making another man feel that way less than two weeks ago. The day he left he said, "You think that I don't agonize over this too? I keep remembering how you always used to write I Love You on my back at night." I know that he's always having second thoughts. I don't know where this is all going. Trying to live for today. So many things going through my head right now. I need to refocus. Of course, I have a BILLION things going on this weekend! Which tells me that maybe I should just put it out of my mind for now.
Author butterfly37 Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 Okay, so my XH is flying home tomorrow. He says that we will have a talk when he gets back. He said before he left that he would have a decision made about what he wants. And I'm just sick! Thinking of all the possibilities. I want him to come HOME. But he's been with his girlfriend for the past two weeks. Then he's flying back there next week with a friend that used to live there to drive back his truck pulling his friend's boat back here. So he'll be seeing her again. I just want to call her so badly and tell her how much he's been cheating on her and what he's said about her making him feel trapped and what he says he misses about me. I'm so sick of feeling like this.
bestadvisor Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 So, what's the update? Are you going to allow him to cheat on his current girlfriend with you?
Author butterfly37 Posted September 5, 2007 Author Posted September 5, 2007 Update: I completely let him go on Aug 7th. And letting go was actually a spiritual event for me. There's a lot of explanation behind that. He's the one that can't let go now. He's still not sure. I'm not even sure at this point whether I'll take him back, ever. I'm going where God takes me. Right now, He says, "Let him go; he's mine. Live your life; I'm always here right beside you. Don't worry about tomorrow." I told the X that if he's going to be with OW to be fair to himself and to her and to give their relationship 100%. I'm getting my fanancial situation straightened out. Getting my business running so that I can quit the 9-5. Tying up loose ends. That's where it stands right now. He needs to learn to respect me.
Psch1968 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Wow - b37 again I am in AWE! You have remarkable strength - as others have said, if my W had half of your appreciation, respect, attitude, and love, she'd be fighting with me. But alas.......
Author butterfly37 Posted September 5, 2007 Author Posted September 5, 2007 Do you know where that strenth comes from? It comes from the knowlege that God loves me infinitely! Why should I let someone treat one of God's great creations with such disrespect? And how am I showing him to be all that he can be by letting him get away with such selfish behavior? I can see the blessings that I have been given through this. I can't say the same for him. And I feel bad for him. Because I can see his mistakes, his struggles, his doubts. It's like watching a man drowning. My hands are tied and there is nothing I can do to help him.
ookla_2 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 BF37, I have read many of your posts and I am a HUGE fan! I just wanted to point out what you just wrote....you said HE is drowning. Not you. Not anymore (re: the title of your thread). You are amazing! That's all I wanted to say.
Author butterfly37 Posted September 5, 2007 Author Posted September 5, 2007 WOW!!! Thank you so much for pointing that out to me! Amazing really, isn't it?
Author butterfly37 Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 Ok, I met with XH last night. The chemistry is definitely still there. Guys, I want to hear how to win his heart back.
jesslindy Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 To be honest, what else can you do? Is that what you really want? If he can't see the type of person you are and have become in person, and we all can see it through a computer, doesn't the problem still lie with him? If he has no idea what he has, let someone who knows what they want out of life be happy to find you. Can anyone endure the frustration and pain forever? Even you? Is it possible? Your situation scares me because I know I will have to deal with my wife trying to come back to me at some point. I KNOW it. Its inevitable. The day she decides takes the high and dark road in life, she will kiss me, and I am so scared that no matter what situation in life I am in I will let her. Hopefully she will be a long and distant memory and I will have found the true love of my life.
Melovator Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Ok, I met with XH last night. The chemistry is definitely still there. Guys, I want to hear how to win his heart back. I don't know butterfly. Why do you have to do the winning anyway? He should be the one running the race for you, instead he's sitting on the side crying because he can't do his shoelaces up! It's not like you've asked him to run a world record time either... And chemistry... aren't you kind of wanting more than hormones from him anyway? All that chemistry stuff just means the two of you's DNA is compatible (At least that's what someone told me.... and we all know how reliable someone's can be!).
Author butterfly37 Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 Yes, you're right Mel. I want him to win me back. I want to be the damsel. I was actually just thinking of that...how he used to fight for me when we were kids. He actuallly said on Friday night that he gave up on the best thing that ever happened to him and now he's stuck with a woman that absolutely goes wild when he doesn't answer is cell. He feels stuck in his situaltion. But like Gunny says, He has to "man up" He's got to let her stop running his life. He actually started to tell me that his only hope is that if she cheated on him or something. He definitely needs to grow a set of nads! He used to have them. Maybe she's got them in her purse now...It was never like that for him and I. I feel sorry for him, but I also know that it is Divine Justice. But I do miss him. And the only time I feel like getting some is when I see him. Because, quite frankly, it's simply ****ing amazing! He's my drug. I know that's something I have to work on. It's really too bad that we are limited here by words. The van trip would be fun. And we could get to know eachother and so much more about our lives and the people in them and the dynamics of our situations. And we could give hugs....
Melovator Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 And the only time I feel like getting some is when I see him. Because, quite frankly, it's simply ****ing amazing! He's my drug. I know that's something I have to work on. I'm in that choir sister! Shouldn't keep jumping the convent wall- but I do, because yes- its a drug, an addiction... quitting cigarettes was easier than this- but I guess I am smoking again... Its like baby ducklings when they hatch and they emotionally attach to the first person they see, but sexual imprinting instead... that's one of my theories, the other is that I'm an idiot. I'd let you have one my 'real' beers on the van.
justfine Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Wow. Your husband can do no wrong. You'll take him back at the drop of a hat.
ookla_2 Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 BF - I've been concerned about you. Everything okay? Any updates?
Author butterfly37 Posted September 12, 2007 Author Posted September 12, 2007 I am here ookla. To be honest with you justfine's post kind of threw me for a loop for a bit. And I guess, I've been wondering how to respond. And I don't feel as though I can just throw out a response without first giving it much thought. Because that one kind of hit a sore spot. Yes, everything is okay. I'm fine. My Girls are fine. I have a lot going for me in my life right now. This whole situation, as bad as it may seem, has done a lot to make me grow as a person over the past five years. All of it good, I might add. I used to be a reclusive, overweight, mom and wife with no self-identity. Now I am a new woman. I am outgoing and involve myself with as many people as I can every day, heart-to-heart where possible. I am back out in the workforce and starting my own business working with people hands-on in a field that is giving back to society and making other people feel good, which in turn makes me feel fantastic! I lost 80 lbs and I am modelling and acting and also getting into promotions and marketing at the agency that I am with. My Girls love me and love being with me and so do their friends. I am closer to my extended families and the real friends that I still have. I jump at every opportunity that God puts before me to help another soul through their pain and to help them know that they are loved and worthy of love. My circumstances don't dictate who I am. I have not lost myself in my pain. I have found myself through my pain. Everything is good. Updates? I have met with my X several times. I know that he is struggling tremendously with his choices. He can't let me go. There are things that he keeps trying to talk to me about, but he just can't get it out. He's not happy with her. She's very controlling. He has been trying to move forward. But it is a dance that goes one step forward, three steps back. Just when he thinks it can't get any worse...BAM! Another speeding ticket, another jump in insurance, possible loss of his lisence, bussing it to work, no way of getting across the city to visit The Girls, paying for a sports car that is sitting on the street at mom's house getting scratched and egged, sleeping on mom's floor now, etc. You get the picture? He wants to die. And I simply have to say, "I'm sorry it is this way for you. You've made some very bad choices in life to bring you to this point. But I am powerless to do anything for you. I would if I could, but I can't." He hates where he is in his life, but not enough to do anything about it. He has to "man up". So, I guess that also is my reply to justfine's comment. Yes, my X can and has done a lot wrong. He's living the consequences to those choices. That doesn't mean that I love him any less.
Author butterfly37 Posted September 12, 2007 Author Posted September 12, 2007 And no, I wouldn't take him back at the drop of a hat. I'm worth so much more than that. He'd have to win me back. I've got my black stiletto boot planted firmly on his chest!
ookla_2 Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 I'm so glad to hear from you, Butterfly!! It's a tough, tough situation you are going through, but you are handling it with more dignity and grace that imaginable. You are one strong, brave mom, and I am so impressed every time I read one of your posts! I'm glad to hear that things are going well for you work-wise and with your girls. And congrats on losing those 80 pounds! You are really a force to be reckoned with, aren't you??? Keep posting when you can. You have lots of fans!!
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