butterfly37 Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 I was married to my best friend for 18 years. We had four daughters now ages 11, 13, 15 and 16. I was a stay-at-home mom. He worked shift-work and was not involved much in family life. We signed the divorce papers about a month ago. He has been having an affair with a co-worker for the past five years. But it has been a long-distance affair for the past four years because she moved to the other side of the country when her XH moved the kids "back home" when she transferred here for a year. He has had a very hard time making the decision to file for divorce because he says he still loves me and is having a very hard time letting go. He tells me that he loves her but that he feels trapped by her and the choices that he has made and that a lot of people are expecting certain things of him. He wanted to make it work for me and The Girls, but feels that he can't live without her either. Even as I was in with the lawyer signing the divorce documents, he was sitting across the street trying to call me on my cell because he wasn't sure it was what he wanted. He says that he's just going with the flow. He calls me in the middle of the night crying, telling me that I'm the only one that really knows and loves him and that I am still his best friend. I know how to get in touch with the OW, but don't because of a promise that I made to him while we were separated that I wouldn't contact her just to destroy his life. She, of course, will not contact me and has her number at home as unlisted. She's been hiding out all these years. But I know her number at work and her email at work also. I know it all sounds crazy. And I know that I'm desperately seeking answers if I'm posting to complete strangers on the internet!
Melovator Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 I was married to my best friend for 18 years. We had four daughters now ages 11, 13, 15 and 16. I was a stay-at-home mom. He worked shift-work and was not involved much in family life. We signed the divorce papers about a month ago. He has been having an affair with a co-worker for the past five years. But it has been a long-distance affair for the past four years because she moved to the other side of the country when her XH moved the kids "back home" when she transferred here for a year. He has had a very hard time making the decision to file for divorce because he says he still loves me and is having a very hard time letting go. He tells me that he loves her but that he feels trapped by her and the choices that he has made and that a lot of people are expecting certain things of him. He wanted to make it work for me and The Girls, but feels that he can't live without her either. Even as I was in with the lawyer signing the divorce documents, he was sitting across the street trying to call me on my cell because he wasn't sure it was what he wanted. He says that he's just going with the flow. He calls me in the middle of the night crying, telling me that I'm the only one that really knows and loves him and that I am still his best friend. I know how to get in touch with the OW, but don't because of a promise that I made to him while we were separated that I wouldn't contact her just to destroy his life. She, of course, will not contact me and has her number at home as unlisted. She's been hiding out all these years. But I know her number at work and her email at work also. I know it all sounds crazy. And I know that I'm desperately seeking answers if I'm posting to complete strangers on the internet! Forget him. He is not your best friend; your best friend would never do this to you. You cannot believe a word out of his mouth, he is f**king another woman and has been for years. He feels trapped? Walk away and let him eat his own leg off- he walked right into it, he can't expect the person he threw off the side of a cliff to come rescue him. He wants to go with the flow- let him- let him flow his a$$ out on the street. Do not contact the OW, she will only turn any such contact against you and why should you care about a no-class needy manipulator? You have better things to do! You have four daughters who need you to show them how strong a woman can be. Because they're watching all of this and two of them are very much in the 'boy crazy' age... what are you teaching your daughters right now that you don't want them to learn? Be the woman you want your daughters to be! You're a mother of four children- you've got multi-tasking skills to make a juggler weep just for a start! What have you always wanted to do? Now is the time to do it! Bugger him and bugger the OW too. You don't need answers you already know that he's a dirty lying rat and she's a no class desperado- YOU are the superior woman because you'd never do what she did right? What more do you need to know than that?
norajane Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 He says that he's just going with the flow Flow? Excuse me, but is he a 17 year old surfer? He's been married for 18 years, with children, and has been carrying on an affair for 5 years. And he STILL can't get his act together and figure out what he wants? No, he's not your best friend. He's a child, and he's looking to you (mommy-substitute) to comfort him and make it all better...for HIM. You need to take a deep breath and move on. He is not a good husband, he is not a good example for your daughters, and he is doomed until he seeks some therapy and figures out why he can't grow up.
Gunny376 Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 It never ceases to amaze me, how some people ~ and yes especially men are so willing to screw up their lives, and the lives of others over a piece of azz! I did twenty years in the Marines, was married for twelve years with another for six and a half. Traveled and been all over the world. I've never cheated on any girl or woman I was in a committed relationship. Why? My personal code I live by, honor, committment, integrity. In my marriage, I wasn't the weak minded one, I wasn't the one that cheated. My wife was. And granted I was young and dumb when I got married, and I really didn't know anything about being married. I did't know about books ~ (back then there really wasn't any as there are now ~ and there wasn't any internet ~ nor Love Shack. I think is worth trying to salvage, but the X has got to make a choice, and he's got to break off any and all contact with the OW, and then he's got to get into IC and MC. And he's got to committ to learning and growing! In short he's got grow a pair and man-up!
Missy27 Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 Maybe this marriage is salvageable ~~ but do you really want to rescue it? I mean think about it -- he's lied, cheated and made a fool out of you for 5 years ~~ FIVE YEARS ~~ I dont care WHAT his excuses are - he's done you over like a kipper and it's only now that he's been caught that he's scared of losing you ~~ He's been cruising around in affair land happier than a pig in shiit for the past half decade and now he's crying like a baby cause he's "not sure" what he wants ~~ Look ~~ I'm me and you are you ~~ but I'd be telling this toss rag ~~ "There's the door casenova ~~ Dont let it smack you on the a$$ on the way out ~~ I'm gonna get me some new treacle and it's gonna be longer in length & wider in width than you could ever dream of ~~ I'm gonna go find me a real man that's not scared of facing up to his responsibilities and who's gonna make me happier than you have ever made me ~~ OH and by the way ~ You never made me cum ~~ ! ~~ Goodbye " ~~ And BELIEVE me I WOULD say & do all of above AND more. Look at this as a golden opportunity for you to do what YOU want to do. Make of your life as you've always dreamed. Build yourself a big ole' strong ole' bridge and get yourself over it cause you've got some years to make up for ~ you'll be happier in the long run ~~ I just know ~
Ladyjane14 Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 I'm sorry Butterfly, but I have to agree with the others.... particularly this part from Mel. In the BIG PICTURE, there's nothing more important than what those four girls are learning from YOU. You have four daughters who need you to show them how strong a woman can be. Because they're watching all of this and two of them are very much in the 'boy crazy' age... what are you teaching your daughters right now that you don't want them to learn? The marital relationship cannot feed the soul when one partner stands as parent to the other. You aren't this guy's Mommy. You're not his buddy. You're his WIFE. But he doesn't respect that and he doesn't recognize it. Type into your browser, "what are plan a and plan b, marriagebuilders", and then read the article you find there. It's time for "Plan B". The chaos that's in YOUR life only just filters down to your babies. It's time to clear out the chaos. Plan B isn't just a tool for solving marital problems, it's for YOU. And it's for your girls. It's respite from the storm and a chance to bring serenity back into your day-to-day, because it STOPS the cycle of emotional vampirism that your WH has become accustomed to. (I've got to say though... if it was me, I'd be sorely tempted to skip the traditional "Plan B Letter", and use Missy's technique instead. It's much more... erm... succinct.)
dgiirl Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 I was married to my best friend for 18 years. We had four daughters now ages 11, 13, 15 and 16. I was a stay-at-home mom. He worked shift-work and was not involved much in family life. We signed the divorce papers about a month ago. He has been having an affair with a co-worker for the past five years. But it has been a long-distance affair for the past four years because she moved to the other side of the country when her XH moved the kids "back home" when she transferred here for a year. He has had a very hard time making the decision to file for divorce because he says he still loves me and is having a very hard time letting go. He tells me that he loves her but that he feels trapped by her and the choices that he has made and that a lot of people are expecting certain things of him. He wanted to make it work for me and The Girls, but feels that he can't live without her either. Even as I was in with the lawyer signing the divorce documents, he was sitting across the street trying to call me on my cell because he wasn't sure it was what he wanted. He says that he's just going with the flow. He calls me in the middle of the night crying, telling me that I'm the only one that really knows and loves him and that I am still his best friend. I know how to get in touch with the OW, but don't because of a promise that I made to him while we were separated that I wouldn't contact her just to destroy his life. She, of course, will not contact me and has her number at home as unlisted. She's been hiding out all these years. But I know her number at work and her email at work also. I know it all sounds crazy. And I know that I'm desperately seeking answers if I'm posting to complete strangers on the internet! You're still his best friend? Wow, I'd hate to see how he treats his enemies. Seems every time you start to focus on yourself and your needs, he comes crying about how bad his life is and how torn he is. And it seems to be working to his advantage because here you are feeling like you're drowning. Not only is he a lying cheating asshat, but he's a very good manipulator too! Come on, after 5 years, you gotta eventually **** and get off the pot, you know? He knows EXACTLY what he wants. He's just scared to commit to a decision in fear it not working out. So he keeps both of you ladies in the dark. And why shouldnt he since both of you seem to sticking around? If he had ANY respect for you, he would let you go until he could make up his own mind. He wouldnt call you up in the middle of the night crying. He wouldnt try to stop you from signing divorce papers. And all in the same breath continue on his affair with his mistress. That's simply cruel. And I understand how one behaves in an affair and gets carried away with those infatuation feelings, but _you_ need to draw a firm line in the sand. If you wont stand up for yourself, who will? Him? He's already walked all over you and you took it. I'm not saying you should divorce him and this marriage is not salvageable. But right now, you need to stand up for yourself. If he's doing stuff that hurts you, that you cant bare, then TELL him and stand your ground. Above everything else, you MUST keep your respect. Think back to your courting days. Could you really love someone who let you walk all over them? It's no different now.
Author butterfly37 Posted August 17, 2007 Author Posted August 17, 2007 I am his best friend. And I will stand beside him no matter what. That's what best friends do. Even when your friend doesn't feel like being your friend anymore. Even if we end up being just friends. He's a part of me. Ever try gluing two pieces of cardboard together to make them one? You can't tear them apart without piece of the other remaining glued to the other half. I don't abandon my friends. Ever. And yes, he is my friend as well. He knows that he has made a mistake, but the feelings for this other woman are still there. He is being good to me and The Girls. We have a lovely home. We never have to worry about how we are going to make it. He is being very generous with support. He will do anything to help us when we ask. He is never mean. Unfortunately, at a rough time in our lives, another woman that he worked with 12 hours a day was there to give him the emotional support that he needed. Now they share a bond that he feels he can't live without. He's stuck between two worlds and doesn't know where to turn. And part of his inability to make decisions is due to depression. A condition which most of his family suffer from and which he has been diagnosed with as well. I am not condoning his actions. What he has done is wrong. But, at the same time, what's done is done. And where do we go from here? I will not abandon him. There is no hate. Only love. Now I'm just trying to figure out where my place in his life is going to be. And the process is hard.
sumdude Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 Only love. Now I'm just trying to figure out where my place in his life is going to be. And the process is hard. Sometimes it has to be tough love.... love is doing what's right for everyone ... even if it hurts. You have to decide whose needs are most important and how they will best be served. What you can or cannot live with. Just how much you can give of yourself before there isn't enough to go around for everyone else who needs you.... including yourself. You have to take care of yourself first.
Gunny376 Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 I am his best friend. And I will stand beside him no matter what. That's what best friends do. Even when your friend doesn't feel like being your friend anymore. Even if we end up being just friends. He's a part of me. Ever try gluing two pieces of cardboard together to make them one? You can't tear them apart without piece of the other remaining glued to the other half. I don't abandon my friends. Ever. And yes, he is my friend as well. He knows that he has made a mistake, but the feelings for this other woman are still there. He is being good to me and The Girls. We have a lovely home. We never have to worry about how we are going to make it. He is being very generous with support. He will do anything to help us when we ask. He is never mean. Unfortunately, at a rough time in our lives, another woman that he worked with 12 hours a day was there to give him the emotional support that he needed. Now they share a bond that he feels he can't live without. He's stuck between two worlds and doesn't know where to turn. And part of his inability to make decisions is due to depression. A condition which most of his family suffer from and which he has been diagnosed with as well. I am not condoning his actions. What he has done is wrong. But, at the same time, what's done is done. And where do we go from here? I will not abandon him. There is no hate. Only love. Now I'm just trying to figure out where my place in his life is going to be. And the process is hard. First understand that what I am about to post has many different facets to it. Therefore, on one hand as a truth, and on the other it will come as a falsehood. More than one person has described me as "complex" and hard to understand. In my original post to your thread, I was thinking that you and he were still together. Factoring in the four girls and his being your best friend ~ I was advocating trying to work it out ~ IF........................ I'm not going to insult your intellegence with all the "IF's" of what it would take for the two of you to come back together as a couple. Some on your part, a lot of work on his. To include working his way back to you and to your relationship. For you to still want to have and be in some sort of relationship with this guy (and your latest post) to me says a Hell of a lot about you as a person. Honor, integrity, Personal Code come to mind. IMHO opinion? Your transcending as a person to a new and higher level of consciousness, understanding. You? You are learning to live life on Life's terms! That's a very hard thing for anyone to do! And your doing so without a willingness to comprimise your integrity, your honor, your respect, and your "Code" Your going where Angles fear to tread! But if you can get to the otherside? Ahhhhh! Its well worth the journey! I believe I understand where you're coming from, and if you're going where I think you're trying to go ~ you've got nothing but my respect! Its not for the faint hearted nor the weak-minded. I wish you the best of luck, and may God be with you! With that said, now for the Marine-side of me! Stupid SOB! Women like you are a rare gem! In closing ~ just don't become his doormat! I think I understand where you're trying to go with this ~ and as I said its most definately not for the average person, the weak-minded, nor the faint of heart. It takes a strong person, assured of themselves, and who and what they're about! That knows and understands themseleves , their wants and needs! It takes a very strong woman (PERSON) ~ a Spartian woman to do what you're attempting to do. NO fear! NO regret! NO doubt! Giving you your proper respects due ~ you've got nothing but my respect for what you're trying to do! You're are of a Warriors heart! Of a Spartian heart! Do or die!
norajane Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 I am his best friend. And I will stand beside him no matter what. That's what best friends do. Even when your friend doesn't feel like being your friend anymore. Even if we end up being just friends. He's a part of me. Ever try gluing two pieces of cardboard together to make them one? You can't tear them apart without piece of the other remaining glued to the other half. I don't abandon my friends. Ever. And yes, he is my friend as well. He knows that he has made a mistake, but the feelings for this other woman are still there. He is being good to me and The Girls. We have a lovely home. We never have to worry about how we are going to make it. He is being very generous with support. He will do anything to help us when we ask. He is never mean. Unfortunately, at a rough time in our lives, another woman that he worked with 12 hours a day was there to give him the emotional support that he needed. Now they share a bond that he feels he can't live without. He's stuck between two worlds and doesn't know where to turn. And part of his inability to make decisions is due to depression. A condition which most of his family suffer from and which he has been diagnosed with as well. I am not condoning his actions. What he has done is wrong. But, at the same time, what's done is done. And where do we go from here? I will not abandon him. There is no hate. Only love. Now I'm just trying to figure out where my place in his life is going to be. And the process is hard. Your loyalty knows no bounds. But what emotional support do you survive on while you give everything you've got to him? Sometimes being a best friend means holding up a mirror to your friend and showing him who he's become and the lives he is destroying in the process. If you must be loyal, be loyal to your daughters. Put them first, and their well-being. Look in a mirror yourself and see what you are teaching them...that it's ok for a husband to cheat for years and then to remain 'stuck' and unable to make a decision while you stand by and let it happen. If he's depressed, get him to a doctor and make him deal with it through therapy and/or meds. But don't let him poison your life and the lives of your daughters with his betrayals. And keep an eye on your daughters...depression can run in families, especially unstable ones.
Gunny376 Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 Your loyalty knows no bounds. But what emotional support do you survive on while you give everything you've got to him? Sometimes being a best friend means holding up a mirror to your friend and showing him who he's become and the lives he is destroying in the process. If you must be loyal, be loyal to your daughters. Put them first, and their well-being. Look in a mirror yourself and see what you are teaching them...that it's ok for a husband to cheat for years and then to remain 'stuck' and unable to make a decision while you stand by and let it happen. If he's depressed, get him to a doctor and make him deal with it through therapy and/or meds. But don't let him poison your life and the lives of your daughters with his betrayals. And keep an eye on your daughters...depression can run in families, especially unstable ones. This is true!
dgiirl Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 It's very noble of you to stand by him and defend him. You even paint this beautiful romantic image about cardboard to define your relationship so you will continue to defend him. I'm just wondering when you'll show yourself the same respect and loyalty? If this was happening to your very best girl friend, what would you say to her? I know you dont want to give up on your marriage, and I'm not advocating that at this moment. I'm actually trying to offer you some advice that is still in lines with what you want! Being sweet and kind, giving up your self respect, and letting him walk all over you will NOT get you a loving loyal husband, which I assume is what you want? There's absolutely NO need to hate. But if you really want to save your marriage, one of you two need to take off your rose tinted glasses and look at the situation you are in. And where do we go from here? The hard truth is, the first step is HIS. From what you've written, I dont see a WE in your relationship. You two are not working together to save this relationship. YOU are trying to keep it together, and HE doesnt want to make a decision. If he had actually confessed what had happened, AND stopped seeing this other woman AND was working hard to rebuild _your_ trust, then you have something to work with. Instead, he's trying to stop you every step of the way from making a decision. For him to call you up in the middle of the night, crying and yet not willing to make a decision, is NOT fair to YOU and is emotional blackmail. And there is only so much of that a person can take before they get resentful and lose their love for a person. And for you to be able to save this marriage, you need to protect your love for him. Right now, he's pulling away and you are desperately trying to hold onto him. And the more you try holding on, the further he'll pull away. Did you notice that as soon as you stopped holding on and were ready to sign the papers and give him what he wanted, he stopped pulling away and tried to stop you from leaving? I know right now you are thinking that if you can just be patient and loving he'll snap out of it, he'll realize what a great person you are and will want to stay. However, that's counter-intuitive. In fact, you are just telling him that he is SO much more important to you than your own self worth, that you are nothing without him, and so he sees no value in you since you dont see any value in yourself. You want HIM to chase you, not the other way around. The only way that will happen is if he really has a chance of losing you. You need to stop romanticizing your relationship, get out of the fog, and start playing your cards right. I recommend going to your local library and start reading as much self-help relationship books as possible (divorce busters, his needs her needs, love must be tough) and get into individual counseling.
Author butterfly37 Posted August 20, 2007 Author Posted August 20, 2007 Your loyalty knows no bounds. But what emotional support do you survive on while you give everything you've got to him? I draw strength from my Lord. My dad is also there for me 24/7. And all I have to do is look at the four wonderful daughters that I am raising and think "I am an awesome Mom! And I have done a wonderful job." I am also very close still with my inlaws. And I have close friends that I can talk to. And I know when I need to take some time for myself. Sometimes being a best friend means holding up a mirror to your friend and showing him who he's become and the lives he is destroying in the process. I don't have to point out his faults. He does that on his own. He's not a stupid man. I'm not there to make him feel like crap. Then why would he want to confide in me or be around me at all? A man will be with you because you make him feel good. If you must be loyal, be loyal to your daughters. Put them first, and their well-being. Look in a mirror yourself and see what you are teaching them...that it's ok for a husband to cheat for years and then to remain 'stuck' and unable to make a decision while you stand by and let it happen. My Girls are coming first. They had a rough time of it at the start, but they are adjusting well. What am I teaching them? I'm teaching them that no matter what, they must honor their father. They don't have to agree with or respect him for what he is doing. They know that what he is doing is wrong. I am teaching them about depression and what it can do to a person and the people that are in the depressed person's life. I am teaching them what it means to really love their dad. I am teaching them that love doesn't always feel good. I am teaching them to give. I am teaching them that they can still be their own person without letting someone else's actions define who they become. I am teaching them to be strong, independant, giving and loving people. If he's depressed, get him to a doctor and make him deal with it through therapy and/or meds. But don't let him poison your life and the lives of your daughters with his betrayals. And keep an eye on your daughters...depression can run in families, especially unstable ones. I can't make him go to a doctor. First of all, he doesn't live with me. And even if he did, I am not his mother. When he was home, I would suggest it and he would consider it. He has been diagnosed. He is under treatment. But he is not controlling it well enough. He is doing the bare minimum so that he can function. Still, it's not enough. I have educated myself on depression and know that it runs in families and keep a close watch on My Girls. I have noticed that the oldest does display some signs occassionally and would take her to her doctor if her episodes ever lasted long enough to warrant it. My Girls and I are very close. So close that they call me their best friend. And we talk openly and honestly about EVERYTHING.
Author butterfly37 Posted August 22, 2007 Author Posted August 22, 2007 It's very noble of you to stand by him and defend him. You even paint this beautiful romantic image about cardboard to define your relationship so you will continue to defend him. I'm just wondering when you'll show yourself the same respect and loyalty? I painted the "cardboard" picture to illustrate two becoming one and then trying to become two again. It just doesn't happen. He'll always be a part of me. And if I become involved with anothe man one day, he'll have to accept that part of who I am is because of him. How do I show myself respect and loyalty? By sticking to my values. By believing in myself and knowing that I am a strong woman. By always doing what I believe to be the right thing instead of what just feels good. If this was happening to your very best girl friend, what would you say to her? I'd tell her to pray, and pray hard without ceasing. And then do what she felt in her soul was the right thing to do. I wouldn't advise her to dump his sorry azz and find another man(who comes with his own set of negatives that she would have to learn about and deal with) because she deserves better. We deserve what we want and are willing to die for. I know you dont want to give up on your marriage, and I'm not advocating that at this moment. I'm actually trying to offer you some advice that is still in lines with what you want! Being sweet and kind, giving up your self respect, and letting him walk all over you will NOT get you a loving loyal husband, which I assume is what you want? Being bitter and mean will get me a loyal and loving husband? I am guarding my heart and not letting myself become those things in spite of my circumstances. I am not letting him walk all over me. I call most of the shots on what our current relationship consists of. He chose to leave and file for divorce....then I am not acting as his wife. But I still choose to be his friend. Does he know that I still love him? Of course. There's no harm in that. He knows that I'm true blue. He also knows that just because I still love him doesn't mean that I demand that he still have those same feelings for me. And he knows that I can let him go if that's what he really wants. I've proven that. I don't want a "loyal" husband who feels that out of loyalty he has to come home to me every night. A dog that is kicked repeatedly will do that. I want a husband that loves me and can't wait to come home to me every night because of everything that I am. There's absolutely NO need to hate. But if you really want to save your marriage, one of you two need to take off your rose tinted glasses and look at the situation you are in. Does it still seem like I am wearing rose-tinted glasses? I'm taking the situation for what it currently is and dealing with it the best possible way. I'm looking at it realisticly, deciding what course of action I want to take to get the results that I want and doing it. The hard truth is, the first step is HIS. From what you've written, I dont see a WE in your relationship. You two are not working together to save this relationship. YOU are trying to keep it together, and HE doesnt want to make a decision. If he had actually confessed what had happened, AND stopped seeing this other woman AND was working hard to rebuild _your_ trust, then you have something to work with. Instead, he's trying to stop you every step of the way from making a decision. For him to call you up in the middle of the night, crying and yet not willing to make a decision, is NOT fair to YOU and is emotional blackmail. He has taken his first step. And I have let him. The we that we are now is friends. Is he regretting his choice? Perhaps. I know that he has his doubts. And fortunately, he feels comfortable enough letting me know. That's what friends are for. Does his girlfriend know? NO. Who has a bit of an edge now? We are not working together to try to save this relationship. I AM. And it's enough for now. I'm not trying to keep it together. I'm letting it fall apart. He has told me everything. I'm being the trustworthy one. He can earn my trust back if he chooses. And him calling me to cry on my shoulder in the middle of the night? Again, that's what true friends are for. When he feels like there's nowhere else to turn, who does he go to? Do you see where I'm going here? And there is only so much of that a person can take before they get resentful and lose their love for a person. And for you to be able to save this marriage, you need to protect your love for him. Love is an action word. When you love someone, you put their needs before your own. I'm putting my love for him in action. Right now, he's pulling away and you are desperately trying to hold onto him. And the more you try holding on, the further he'll pull away. Did you notice that as soon as you stopped holding on and were ready to sign the papers and give him what he wanted, he stopped pulling away and tried to stop you from leaving? I know right now you are thinking that if you can just be patient and loving he'll snap out of it, he'll realize what a great person you are and will want to stay. However, that's counter-intuitive. In fact, you are just telling him that he is SO much more important to you than your own self worth, that you are nothing without him, and so he sees no value in you since you dont see any value in yourself. You want HIM to chase you, not the other way around. The only way that will happen is if he really has a chance of losing you. You need to stop romanticizing your relationship, get out of the fog, and start playing your cards right. I'm not holding on. He's gone. The divorce papers are signed. How much more can I do to show that I'm willing to let him go? I am building a life for myself. I've got a good job. I've started my own business. I've lost 80 lbs. I'm modelling. I stay in touch with family and friends. I have a ton of fun with My Girls. I'm living my life. BUT I want my friend, my love, the father of My Girls to be part of my life. And I'm willing to do anything and everything to make that happen. I could easily have the attitude of "Oh well. I deserve better. On to the next man." I have men waiting for my call. But I know what I want. I recommend going to your local library and start reading as much self-help relationship books as possible (divorce busters, his needs her needs, love must be tough) and get into individual counseling. I have read for the past five years, to name but a few: My Bible, Love is a Decision, Stop Walking On Eggshells, Love Must be Tough, The Way of the Wild Heart, Wild at Heart, Light His Fire, Love For A Lifetime, Men In Midlife Crisis, Captivating, Boundaries, Come Thirsty, Facing Your Giants,....the list goes on. I don't watch tv, I read. I have been to counselling. They say I don't need it, he does. Believe me when I say I know what is my mission in life. I know what I am willing to do to get it. Heck, I'm even on the web getting advice from total strangers. Trying to find some support. And maybe even helping someone in a similar situation. I'm doing absolutely everything within my power. And what is not in MY power, I'm giving to God. I believe that I am waging war in a spiritual battle out there. The world may be winning overall, but I refuse to go down without fighting a good fight. I will stand before my Maker and He will say "Job well done my daughter!" I know, it's a book.
Gunny376 Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 Ran across this BF, and thought you might like it? One Day At A Time The most useless thing to do....Worry The greatest joy.....Giving! The greatest loss.... Loss of self-respect. The ugliest personality trait..... Selfishness The most endangered species.....Dedicated Leaders The greatest shot in the arm...... Encouragement The greatest problem to overcome? Fear! The most effectictive sleeping pill.... Peace of Mind The most crippling failure disase.....Excuses The most powerful force in life......Love The most dangerous pariah.......a gossiper The world's most incredible and powerful computer.....the human brain The worst thing to be without.....Hope The deadliest weapon..... the tounge The most power-filled words....... I can! The greatest asset.....Faith The most worthless emotioin....Self pity The most prized possession......Integrity The most powerful attire........a SMILE! The most powerful channel of communication....Prayer The most contagious spirit.......Enthusiasm The most important thing in life......GOD!
kobegirl Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 Forget him. He is not your best friend; your best friend would never do this to you. You cannot believe a word out of his mouth, he is f**king another woman and has been for years. He feels trapped? Walk away and let him eat his own leg off- he walked right into it, he can't expect the person he threw off the side of a cliff to come rescue him. He wants to go with the flow- let him- let him flow his a$$ out on the street. well said .
Author butterfly37 Posted August 23, 2007 Author Posted August 23, 2007 Thank you Gunny. You put a smile on my face this morning! Guess I'm dressed well for the day now You're a good man.
Author butterfly37 Posted August 23, 2007 Author Posted August 23, 2007 Kobe, He may not be MY best friend right now, but I am his. I guess it's hard for someone to understand what is really going on in my situation. I've known my X since I was 16 years old. I know when he's being sincere. I know when he's confused. I know when he's in depression. I know him fully. I don't believe every word he says. Yes, he's with another woman. Will she make him happy? I don't believe so. He's trying to find what's missing in him through other women, drugs, alcohol, new cars, etc. It won't work. But he has to learn that on his own. And he doesn't feel trapped with me. He used to. That's part of why he's gone. But I let him go. He now feels trapped by her. And now he either stays in the trap that he walked into himself, or he chews his leg off to get out of that trap and be where he KNOWS that he is free. It's completely up to him. It always has been.
jesslindy Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 Wow you are strong. It takes alot of strength and self understanding to do what you have done and actively do. I have the resolve to love my wife no matter what, except running around. I understand what you are saying and your reasoning, but I don't think I could do it. If my wife had an 1/8 of your strength she would be home right now, and we would be working this out. Good Luck to you!!
Author butterfly37 Posted August 24, 2007 Author Posted August 24, 2007 Luck has nothin to do with it Jess
jesslindy Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I guess your right. How about I'll pray for you.
Author butterfly37 Posted August 24, 2007 Author Posted August 24, 2007 And I'll do the same for you.
mourningMM Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 What you are trying to do for him, and for your children, is all good. But what in this situation will come back to you? I don't mean for you to be selfish, but self-aware. Do you need to feel like his best friend? Why?Do you need for him to rely on you? Why?Will he be able to grow with your support, or do you need to let him go for him to grow.And will you be able to grow if you give him the emotional support that you offer, or will he drain that energy away from you and your girls? Remember you and he are not the only ones impacted by the divorce. It isn't just your fairy-tale that has ended. Your daughters will never have the same innocent believe in "happily ever after". I'm not saying that you need to be mean, or cold. I am saying that you need to understand where your boundaries are, and protect your heart. I'm recommending that you build the safe space where you can grow and develop deep, rich, vibrant emotional relationship(s) that help you grow and give a good example to your daughters. As a wife, you had an obligation to do many things for your husband...but be very careful that you don't put yourself in a place where you shield your daughters from the reality of the situation. If you help him by "covering" (typical wifely behavior for a man who cheats) for him with the kids, they will never really be able have a conection to the real man that is their father. Most of all, remember, in order for you to have any relationship with him it needs to be build on honesty, openness, and trust. In the words of the ancients... "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me". Protect your children, protect yourself...and from a safe space offer the man (who obviously by his choices shows poor morals, poor judgement, and poor taste) what help you can. And then, in the privacy of your room, or your bathroom if you really need privacy...GET MAD. Because what he did was mean and the choice he made broke not just a promise but a sacrament and a committment to you and the kids. HE IS SELFISH. This anger will eventually burn away the debris of guilt that he most probably spread... Remind yourself that he had NO RIGHT to give to another woman his attention, his admiration, hell, even his sp*rm! He gave them to you when he married you and they were no loner his to share without your permission! You can forgive him if you are strong enough, but the forgiveness isn't going to be real unless you can face all of the evil in his choices and not sugar-coat anything. You and your daughters have my prayers. He has my pity.
Author butterfly37 Posted August 24, 2007 Author Posted August 24, 2007 I don't need to feel like his best friend. I just know that I am. And when questioning God about my next step, He tells me to keep loving. And because I'm not in the position of wife anymore, all I can be is his friend. I don't need him to rely on me. I let all my friends know that they can rely on me when they need to. He's no different. And he doesn't try to fool me. He's honest with me and when I feel he's not, I call him on it like I would anyone else. I've grown immensely in the past five years. I'd be happy to tell you all about my growth, because I'm really impressed by it myself. It makes me appreciate how God is turning my pain to gladness. And it grows my faith even stronger. My Girls know exactly what their dad is doing. I don't hide a thing from them. They are teenagers. They need to know that what he is doing is wrong and that they should never think that they deserve to be treated the way he has treated us. But, at the same time, they are learning to love their Dad regardless of what he is doing. That's unconditional love. Not acceptance of his behavior. He and I are building a new relationship. A friendship. Which is the basis of any relationship. And we'll just see where that leads. My marriage has fallen apart. I've let him go. We're starting over. Thank you for the prayers for me and My Girls. But it's him that really needs the prayers the most. He doesn't need your pity.
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