uniqueone Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 I wasn't sure about starting a thread because my last two threads (in other categories) got zero replies, but guess I'll try one last time.... Do you take a break from dating? I read these stories here and it seems that people have someone new lined up when they break up with someone. And the person who was dumped also starts to find someone fairly soon. I guess I'm different because I go for long periods of time without dating. I pretty much like to be alone unless there's someone that I really click with and I don't find people I really click with that often. I think that's why break ups are especially hard for me. I'm always wondering how people find someone new so easily and why for me it's so difficult. There aren't many people that I feel I really want to get close to. And here's another thing that's not really related but comes to mind. If people are constantly in relationships, how come their number of sex partners is so low when polls are taken? Just wondered. Is anyone else out there like me? Someone who doesn't date for long periods of time---or rather someone who doesn't end up in a relationship for long periods of time. (I might date occasionally but it doesn't turn into a relationship.) Is age a factor? A lot of people here are young so I wonder if that's a factor in why the dating is constant also. What do you think?
starlite Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Well- There is lots to address here. First off, I am in my first long term relationship (i'm 25, we have been together since I was 22 (turning 23) ). BEfore that, I was single for quite a while. I had a few relationships ranging from 3-6 months or so but rarely were they close in proximity of time. I enjoy being single. I enjoy having my time and space all to myself, it's great. Also, it is great to be in a good relationship. I know many people who jump from one relationship to the next and you are right, most of them had the potential picked out before it ended. I have 2 gf's i am thinking of. (Because i feel it tends to be females who jump from one to the next.) They are both afraid of being alone. One loves to be supported, doesnt like not having someone to fall back on at all times. She has been in a relationship since she was 15. She is now 23 and getting married in October. She has had 3 major relationships and i think only been single 6 months in 8 years. My other gf, well, she doesnt know who she is unless she has a bf. She doesnt know who she is because she is whoever her bf is. One bf was a badass...she became a badass...one used drugs BIG TIME!!!!! She followed in his footsteps...I thought i had lost her, she did break up with him and he killed himself. She grieved a very short time, not really much at all, and then became attached to a close guy who was conforting her. They were together 5 years, she was controlled by him (but not in an abusive way, she just did what he wanted, no complaints). She likes what they like, do what they do and dresses how they want. I cant be like that. I am who i am and I am ok being alone and living life. Although, i do love my bf...but i am glad I was single the amount i was because i know myself better. Some people just hate being alone.
JackOfClubs Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Well I'm new, but I'll give your subject a try. Yeah, between relationships, I don't date per se. I go out and meet people but I don't go asking for phone numbers or try any serious romancing. This is a pretty wide area though. Some people just date all the time. I guess they're extroverts. If they're interested in someone, they'll put them on their social calendar. But for those who don't actively do this, a relationship happens somewhat accidentally. In my case, for example, I've been set up on blind dates, introduced to a friend of the family, some girls just give me their phone number unsolicited, etc. Meeting people is a regular part of life: work, school, store, travel, etc. Even sitting at home in front of a computer you can meet someone online, although it's poor comparison to actually talking to someone face to face. You don't go meet people expecting it to turn into anything. You just try to get to know as many people as you can. Dating, on the other hand, is when you do finally meet someone who has a mutual interest in getting to know you more than casually. I guess my point is that you should always be trying to meet people, it's only human. But dating is the next level and isn't something to just jump into casually. Unless, like I mentioned, you're some kind of social butterfly who just enjoys always being out with somebody (and you have the confidence to take the good dates along with the bad ones).
Author uniqueone Posted August 16, 2007 Author Posted August 16, 2007 Meeting people is a regular part of life: work, school, store, travel, etc. Yes, but the chances of meeting someone in the regular course of the day that I'd want to date and who'd be available and who'd want to date me is miniscule.
Trialbyfire Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 I'm 32 and divorced. I've had a few long-term relationships, one failed marriage and a few short-term crash and burn style relationships. As for rebounding, it's not normally my way since it takes me forever to invest in someone enough to sleep with them. I do date lightly, even multiple people at the same time, in-between relationships.
Author uniqueone Posted August 16, 2007 Author Posted August 16, 2007 I'm 32 and divorced. I've had a few long-term relationships, one failed marriage and a few short-term crash and burn style relationships. As for rebounding, it's not normally my way since it takes me forever to invest in someone enough to sleep with them. I do date lightly, even multiple people at the same time, in-between relationships. Yeah, that's me too...."dating lite", let's call it....lol. I've dated multiple people at the same time too, but like you said, it's "light" dating. It's pretty much almost like friends.
StayClose Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 When I was single, a couple of times a year I would date someone a couple of times, often with months in between dating partners. If someone has trouble getting dates & relationship partners (assuming they want them, then it is because there are issues interfering with their romantic interactions, or they fail to generate romantic/sexual interest in very many people for some reason. Why this is so is the subject for about half of the discussions here. As for why the average number of partners is relatively low, that is because a lot of people have had a small number of long term relationships, or they've dated a lot of people but not had sex with them. I've had a higher number of sexual partners than average, but most of them were over a period of 15 years averaging less then one per year. When I did have a partner is only lasted a few weeks or less so I often went for more than a year with no sex at all.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 27 here, LOL... unlike our military I aways have an exit strategy! I try not to get physical with anyone right after a R ends.
Art_Critic Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Do you take a break from dating? 44 here I have always taken breaks between relationships..even when I was in my 20's.. at least a few months and up to 1.5 years.. I have always used that time to reflect on the old relationship and discover my part in the breakup. I also use the break from dating to rediscover myself.. it is healthier for the next person you are going to date.. I also spoil myself and buy tools, tools and more tools during those times.. I have been known to create long projects as well to help the lonely feelings of having someone around.. A few years ago I finished off my basement and it took 7 months and it was one of my in between projects...I used to sink myself into work.. but I grew out of doing that.. that makes me more of a loner and it is harder to start dating again
Art_Critic Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 I know many people who jump from one relationship to the next I have never understood how people can do that.. I know they do it because they need to have someone around and they don't know themselves very well but I have always felt that was very unhealthy and unfair for the next guy..
Author uniqueone Posted August 16, 2007 Author Posted August 16, 2007 If someone has trouble getting dates & relationship partners (assuming they want them, then it is because there are issues interfering with their romantic interactions, or they fail to generate romantic/sexual interest in very many people for some reason. How old are you? If you're young, chances might be greater that you're meeting single people all the time. If you're older, people have kids and aging parents they're busy with along with all the other things. Many people with kids can't even get out to meet people. So...no, I disagree with this. As for why the average number of partners is relatively low, that is because a lot of people have had a small number of long term relationships, or they've dated a lot of people but not had sex with them. I've had a higher number of sexual partners than average, but most of them were over a period of 15 years averaging less then one per year. When I did have a partner is only lasted a few weeks or less so I often went for more than a year with no sex at all. I don't get this because first of all, most guys are wanting sex right away these days. Secondly from what I see on here and IRL, people are getting involved with people all the time and not often staying with them long term. Personally this doesn't apply to me, but I see it all the time with others.
Author uniqueone Posted August 16, 2007 Author Posted August 16, 2007 44 here I have always taken breaks between relationships..even when I was in my 20's.. at least a few months and up to 1.5 years.. I have always used that time to reflect on the old relationship and discover my part in the breakup. I also use the break from dating to rediscover myself.. it is healthier for the next person you are going to date.. I also spoil myself and buy tools, tools and more tools during those times.. I have been known to create long projects as well to help the lonely feelings of having someone around.. A few years ago I finished off my basement and it took 7 months and it was one of my in between projects...I used to sink myself into work.. but I grew out of doing that.. that makes me more of a loner and it is harder to start dating again Sounds a lot like me.
underpants Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 I'm 37. My partner number lies somewhere between 4 and 300. I tend to take long breaks between relationships. I still date lite here and there. I have several male friends with whom there was not a romantic interest however they are very good people and so I will hang with them on occasion as friends. I even fixed one bad date (too soon after my break up) up with another female friend of mine. You just never know. It seems to take me a long time to find a connection. I'm approaching over a year now and well, there just doesn't seem to be as great or as vast of a selection. However, I am not really shopping either so there is that. I am a little like Art too, or like he was. I buy tools and become engrossed in a project. One of my break up masterpieces is adorning the home of a friend. I often get..."Are you the one who painted that?". I'm oh yea, that guy really brought out my creativity (to myself). Also, I have a room that shall never be finished. I guess there is always the chance of me finding love at Lowes. I also could never understand those that blend relationships or jump from one to the other. Maybe they compartmentalize better, but I doubt it. It just seems like putting off knowing yourself, and ultimately everyone involved winds up a little hurt. If I see that in another for me it is a flag. Oh well. I guess if I wind up alone, at least, I know I will be in good company.
StayClose Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 How old are you? If you're young, chances might be greater that you're meeting single people all the time. If you're older, people have kids and aging parents they're busy with along with all the other things. Many people with kids can't even get out to meet people. So...no, I disagree with this. Are you not dating because you don't want to date? Or because you can't find anyone you think is suitable who also thinks you are suitable for them? I was thinking the latter catagory because that's where I was. Most of women I liked were either in relationships, or not romanticly/sexually interested in me. I didn't understand how how other people moved from one relationship to another in just weeks because for me just finding one person I liked who also liked me was so difficult. I don't get this because first of all, most guys are wanting sex right away these days. Secondly from what I see on here and IRL, people are getting involved with people all the time and not often staying with them long term. Personally this doesn't apply to me, but I see it all the time with others. Polls show that the average number of sex partners is about 10 for men and maybe 7-8 for women. A typical person who is always in a relationship may have one BF/GF from age 16-18, another from 18-20, another at 20 and then marry that person at 22. Tht's only three partners. The average is then raised by those who do sleep around a lot. As for the guys who are wanting sex right away, that doesn't mean they actually do. But most women don't have sex on the first & second date. when it never get's past the second date, you don't have sex with that person at all. I did not have sex with most of the women I dated because most of the time it doesn't go anywhere. IMO, there is a small percentage of guys who have lots of partners. There are many more men who would like to have lot partners but don't because women don't find them "hot." The rest are more interested in relationships and are not interested in having lots of partners.
Arizona100 Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 When I was 26ish, I got my heart broken by some kind of jerk (one of those stories). I sat down, took a min to think about it. And I took a year "off", I wanted to spend time with myself, enjoy life, enjoy my friends, work on improving my attitude, whatever ... And I wanted to understand why I had fallen for such a guy (mean guys really are a big turn off for me). Now if someone would have showed up, it wouldn't have been a no go, but I really really was not looking either. I don't think you need to be serial dater.. what's wrong with not dating anybody? Maybe some people are scared of being alone in the same room with themselves?
Author uniqueone Posted August 17, 2007 Author Posted August 17, 2007 Are you not dating because you don't want to date? Or because you can't find anyone you think is suitable who also thinks you are suitable for them? Cannot find anyone suitable who also thinks I'm suitable. Polls show that the average number of sex partners is about 10 for men and maybe 7-8 for women. A typical person who is always in a relationship may have one BF/GF from age 16-18, another from 18-20, another at 20 and then marry that person at 22. Tht's only three partners. The average is then raised by those who do sleep around a lot. And life stops at 22??? I guess I'm looking at it from where I sit.....amongst the divorced and usually on the personals. Many of these people go through partners like tissues.
Author uniqueone Posted August 17, 2007 Author Posted August 17, 2007 I don't think you need to be serial dater.. what's wrong with not dating anybody? Maybe some people are scared of being alone in the same room with themselves? That's what I don't get. I rarely see people on here who are comfortable not dating anybody. I'd rather not date anybody than just date someone that I think is so-so.
Trialbyfire Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 And life stops at 22??? I guess I'm looking at it from where I sit.....amongst the divorced and usually on the personals. Many of these people go through partners like tissues. I think not. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
StayClose Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 And life stops at 22??? I guess I'm looking at it from where I sit.....amongst the divorced and usually on the personals. Many of these people go through partners like tissues. Let's extend my example and say that this person cheated on their spouse at 30, then got divorced at 31. They had another relationship from 31-34, met spouse #2 at 34, and has been faithfull ever since. That's still only 6 partners. As for the people in the personals - most people don't date a different person every few weeks, and of those who, most don't sleep with every person they date. The average also includes those who married their high school sweethearts and stayed faithfull, and those who don't have sex before marriage.
Author uniqueone Posted August 17, 2007 Author Posted August 17, 2007 As for the people in the personals - most people don't date a different person every few weeks, and of those who, most don't sleep with every person they date. The average also includes those who married their high school sweethearts and stayed faithfull, and those who don't have sex before marriage. I knew a bunch of women who did the personals. They also hung out in bars weekly--this one in particular that was a pickup place. I went to it once to see what it was like. This one girl I knew well enough to know details and she'd often get drunk and go home with a guy. Or she'd meet a guy online and it'd last a month or two--and they slept together. This would happen repeatedly. She'd been married 3x and was 38. Another example....this one woman I knew went out with a guy online that I had met previously (online). She found out later he'd been exposed to Hepatitis. She had met him once and then slept with him on their second get together. She had to get tested for 6 months. She knew I'd gone out with him before her and told me I should get tested too. I didn't have to since I never touched him. Last time I'd talked to her (about 3 years ago) she'd had 45 partners. She was 42 at the time. Another woman I knew was divorced twice and was dating a guy for a year. Then she cheated on him and for awhile she was sleeping with both guys (until the one found out). After they broke up, she dated the one she'd been cheating with. After that ended in less than a year, she had another one after she started hanging around a biker bar. She was 44 and went to church weekly and sang in the church choir. I could go on endlessly with examples. I could give examples of men from the personals who slept with multiple women at a time and kept getting new ones. Your examples are all nice little relationships. You are assuming that people date without sex unless and until they're in a serious relationship and then assuming that the relationship lasts awhile. That's not what I've seen.
StayClose Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 The operative word here is "Average." This means that a lot of people have had less than 8-10 partners, and some have had more - in some cases a lot more.
Author uniqueone Posted August 18, 2007 Author Posted August 18, 2007 The operative word here is "Average." This means that a lot of people have had less than 8-10 partners, and some have had more - in some cases a lot more. Yep, I agree. There's all those quiet women staying home with their cats.
cr8sea Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 That's what I don't get. I rarely see people on here who are comfortable not dating anybody. I'd rather not date anybody than just date someone that I think is so-so. I agree with you, I was actually talking about this with my friend. She has been with someone non-stop from the time she was 15 til about three months ago. It took her a really bad guy, who turned out to be not only a cheater, but also gay, to wonder why she was messing with these guys and why did she always need to have someone around...its been three months and she's still single...so proud of her Im the total opposite...although im young (23), i take my time with the whole dating thing. I dated someone in HS for about 2-3 years on and off...and then didnt date anyone for three years...then dated someone again for about a month (if you can call that dating!!) and was alone for another three years....now im being a bit less reserved, i dated a guy for two months, didnt date at all for another three months and now im dating someone new.... I guess i like my own company and i dont mind being alone. Last time the guy i dated broke up with me i realized i need to make my own life happy with or without a man, and that has helped me a lot in my current relationship. So i guess its just that some people arent comfortable with themselves and arent ready to get to know themselves yet so they have to be busy getting to know someone else....hopefully they dont break too many hearts in the process...
Author uniqueone Posted August 18, 2007 Author Posted August 18, 2007 I agree with you, I was actually talking about this with my friend. She has been with someone non-stop from the time she was 15 til about three months ago. It took her a really bad guy, who turned out to be not only a cheater, but also gay, to wonder why she was messing with these guys and why did she always need to have someone around...its been three months and she's still single...so proud of her Im the total opposite...although im young (23), i take my time with the whole dating thing. I dated someone in HS for about 2-3 years on and off...and then didnt date anyone for three years...then dated someone again for about a month (if you can call that dating!!) and was alone for another three years....now im being a bit less reserved, i dated a guy for two months, didnt date at all for another three months and now im dating someone new.... I guess i like my own company and i dont mind being alone. Last time the guy i dated broke up with me i realized i need to make my own life happy with or without a man, and that has helped me a lot in my current relationship. So i guess its just that some people arent comfortable with themselves and arent ready to get to know themselves yet so they have to be busy getting to know someone else....hopefully they dont break too many hearts in the process... I grew up in a very busy household with very little privacy....lots of kids...lots of noise. It was a bit overwhelming to my sensitive nature. Maybe that's why I don't mind being alone...it's what I always dreamed of growing up (imagine never having anywhere you could be alone). There were also times in my life when I had no one I could count on so I learned to be by myself in that respect. I guess I got used to it.
Capricciosa Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 I always need recovery time after a break-up if the relationship was a serious thing. I need to get my own groove back, and generally I am relieved to be on my own again and not eager to be in a relationship with another person. I tend to be supersensitive to slights right after a relationship, which means it is hard for me to be ok with the vicissitudes of dating. I'm too vulnerable. Of course this depends how long the relationship was, how intense, and how it ended. I may go on a few dates, just for fun, but there is no way I would jump into anything serious right away. Even if I was to meet someone I liked, I would probably take it very slowly. And like you, I don't find that there are lines of guys I'm interested in. Every once in a while, someone catches my attention, but it certainly isn't a matter of NEXT!! I guess it is an age thing, as far as available candidates are concerned, but even in my 20s I did not go from one relationship to another. Though I may have fooled around--and my number of partners is really a private matter.
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