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Posted

I've been in NC with my ex for almost two weeks now. Yesterday, I couldn't take it anymore. I emailed her asking for an honest answer. She emailed right back. She said that she was seeing someone (I was with her just two weekends ago), she said they are very happy, and she told me not to call her or email her anymore. Wow! Obviously, she wants me out of her life (because she always talks to her other former ex's), or does she?

 

Well, last night, I spent endless hours scouring through every thread on this site searching for answers. I came across one thread about narcissistic behavior. I was intrigued, so I started to research it. What I found out blew me away! My ex fits the description of a narcisstic woman like a glove.

 

This promted me to take a closer look at our relationship. I find in these forums that everyone focuses on the end of the relationship. Why did she break up with me? Will she come back? How can I get her back? What did I do wrong? But, what I did is look at the beginning of our relationship, and I found my answers.

 

There were red flags all over the place, but I just didn't see them. She came after me hard. She overwhelmed me with her beauty, charm, and intelligence. But, I always wondered why a beautiful 30 yrd old would want to be with a 40 yr old? That's one of their characteristics. I was her narcissistic supply. I had status and was an authoritative figure who could give her the love, admiration, and husband that she wanted and needed.

 

The first few months were wonderful. Then she got comfortable with my love and trust. Then, one day, out of the blue, she snapped at her children. I was blown away. I had never seen her react so violently. She looked at me and said now you know the real me.

 

That was only the beginning. She was miserale. She was on anti-depressants, and she was seeing a therapist regularly. She became controlling, sarcastic, spiteful, selfish, unforgiving. She became verbally abusive to me and her children. She hated people in general. She showed me a completely different side. She had this self-hatred. She felt God was punishing her. Despite her beauty, she felt that she was flawed physically. She hated her legs. She held grudges. She hated her parents. She stopped talking to them altogether. She required excessive admiration. She lacked empathy. She always needed me, and when she needed me, if I was 5 minutes late, she would become furious. I started feeling bad for her. I would try to do nice things for her, like take her out to dinner at the most exclusive restaurants in town. She would never even say thank you. That always bothered me. I always found myself apologizing like everything was my fault.

 

Then the push and pull started. People were telling me to run. But, I thought I was in love with her. She had stipulations, and I started to conform. Imagine, she wanted us to go to bed every night at 7:00pm. That was just too early for me, but she didn't care, that's what she wanted so that's what we had to do. We were on, we were off. Relationships like that are flawed and never do work out, but I couldn't see it at the time.

 

Then we got back together. And then she shut me off from all communication. Don't call me, I'll call you if I miss you. Now she is seeing someone else - a new, refreshing narcissistic supply - someone she will appeal to at the outset, then control, chew up, and spit out.

 

I found that women with these traits never last long in relationships. She got pregnant at 20 and married the guy. They had two kids (her needs), then she booted him out after 4 years. Over the past 5 years, she's had 5 boyfriends, including me.

 

I also found that no matter how much you sacrifice for them, try to please them, make changes in your own personality for them, they will never be happy, because they are not happy with themselves. They want to be loved, but they will never believe you.

 

In the end, I told her I would give her what she wanted -- a commitment, a husband. But, I found out that if you want to give a narcissistic person what they want to get, then they will lose interest in you, because the chase is over. If you want what they want, then they don't want it anymore. And, that's what happened. She no longer wanted me to tell her that I loved her. She felt smothered. She needed to find her new supply.

 

Here's the problem, though. Yes, I've found my answers. I shouldn't be with this woman. But, I have been paying attention to her recently. I've begged, pleaded, and emailed, texted, and called numerous times. I found out N people hate to be ignored. All along, unbeknownst to me, she knew that I was still a source of supply because she was still evoking emotions from me. Now she tells me not to call anymore. I wonder if that's what she really means. Maybe she isn't interested, but I've said that to woman in the past to play hard to get and to piss them off hoping that they would call. What I found out is that if you ignore a narcissistic person (no contact), they will go into a complete rage, do a 180, and try to get you back once they destroy their new supply. In essence, once her new relationship gets through the honeymoon stage, and she allows her true self to come out, the relationship will implode. Then she'll come running to her old supply, only to jerk his chain again, which I will not allow to happen.

 

Your thoughts? Do you really think she will contact me again? I hope it's over for good, but I have a feeling she will at some point just to make sure I am still out there for her.

Posted

Read your post and I gotta tell you...I don't believe for a second that you wouldn't give her another chance if she came back. Tell yourself all you want that you can see it all so clearly now, but the fact that you're even asking the question...'Do you really think she will contact me again?'...tells me that you're hoping that she does.

 

You said 5 BF in 5 years? Why didn't she ever go back to any of them? Why would it be different for you?

 

I said a while back that I wouldn't post, but sometimes I can't help myself.

 

I'm all for letting the air out of the balloon slowly rather than popping it. If it helps you cope with the loss, fine. Just make sure the air is actually coming out and you're not holding on too tightly. When you finally do let go, you may realize that you've been holding onto nothing...just empty space.

 

I went through this, I thought we were special. Hell, part of me still does. But it's such a small part anymore I almost forget it's there. Would I take her back if she came back to me? I can't say for sure. Guess my balloon isn't empty yet either.

 

Come to terms with this...really...and start letting go. Asking the what-if questions will not help you move on from her.

 

My best to you.

Posted
I hope it's over for good, but I have a feeling she will at some point just to make sure I am still out there for her.
I don't believe you want this over for good. IF you did, you could easily stop contacting her, change your phone numbers, change your email, and move on.

 

I think you're still hung up on her because at the beginning of your relationship, that 30 year old woman made you, the 40 year old man, feel wanted, desired, needed, and like a million bucks. And you are in love with that woman, that feeling she inspired in you.

 

It's time to let it go. Instead of continuing this minute analysis of HER behavior, focus on why YOU were susceptible despite ALL the red flags, and still are even though you now see her true colors.

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