capuchin8 Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 I love my boyfriend very much, but he confuses me to death. We have been together on and off for almost 4 years. Things have definetly gotten better in that time, but, for several years I have felt unsure if he really loves me. When I give him lots of attention and pour my heart out to him and act sweet, he sort of withdraws from me. He is less likely to do little things that I ask him to do without fighting and telling me the request is unreasonable. But when I ignore him and do whatever I want without thinking of him, he showers me with attention and listens to my requests. I almost feel like my ignoring him makes him like me more, Sometimes I feel like he is only around when I challenge him to sort of pursue me. It's like a game. He has also said that he is unsure if things will work out between us and he is not 100 percent commited to making things work because he is still keeping his options open. He's not seeing other people though- I mean commited in the mental sense.This frustrates me but it makes sense since we get into to some crazy fights sometimes- he has a terrible temper and I am very sensitive. Shouldn't love be more like two people able to give lots of love to each other without playing games?
yergawd Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Cap- If this is still going on after 4 years I'd say this guy thrives on the drama of it all. Also insecure for wanting to appease you most when you are being distant and saying he wants to keep his options open, this I'm sure makes you work a little harder for his attention (or at least it will in his mind). When a relationship first starts I'd say this would be normal. Both people want to take the relationship to another level but neither one want to put themselves out there because of fear of rejection, changes it to these attention games. This far into the relationship I'd say it won't change and personally I'd be doing some evaluating because I couldn't keep the energy going to keep playing these games. and would lose interest
Author capuchin8 Posted August 16, 2007 Author Posted August 16, 2007 Yeah, but I guess we just got back together again, so it's sort of like a new start. I think you have a point with the thrives on the drama thing. We get into the stupidest fights. He just a few days ago packed up all his stuff and went out to his parents house calling me a 'crazy bitch'. Basically, I had gotten mad because he refused to wear a snoring nose strip to bed and he started cursing and telling me to shut up and f-u rather than responding to me. So I started crying and telling him he didn't respect me. He continued to curse f-u at me so I poured his gin down the sink telling him he shouldn't drink if he is going to act that way. So he grabbed my arms and put them behind my back and told me I was a crazy bitch then he packed up and walked out. The next day he called me at nine in the morning apologizing and he's been nice to me lately, but I feel like its only a matter of time before he starts disrespecting me again.
Trialbyfire Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 It sounds like there are some control and maturity issues to address, previous to finding a happy medium. Volatility to the extent referenced, is bad business but it doesn't sound like a one-way street. Escalation of trivial issues are born out of stubbornness, ego, pride and a need to win. Are you two in competition or in a relationship?
sunshinegirl Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 So he grabbed my arms and put them behind my back and told me I was a crazy bitch then he packed up and walked out. Wow, he sounds like a catch!!!
Author capuchin8 Posted August 16, 2007 Author Posted August 16, 2007 He feels really bad about all of that and he has been really respectful and nice to me lately. He is taking me out to dinner tonight at a nice restaurant. It's so complicated because we have been together so long and he doesn't usually act that extreme. We used to be engaged about a year ago but I broke it off because I didn't feel ready to get married ( I was only 21 at the time). I think I really hurt him by doing that and he's never completely forgiven me for it.
Trialbyfire Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 I think you need to step back and analyze why the situation escalated to physical violence. Snoring isn't something that is a conscious decision on the part of the person experiencing it. Also, most forms of fixes, including the nose strips, either don't or aren't guaranteed to work. How far did you push him to do something you wanted? Is this a case of disrespect at the beginning, or was it that he didn't want to be nagged? Was he displaying passive-aggressive behaviour by agreeing and then not abiding or simply stating "no", I won't do it, which you took personally? I don't know what really happened but I'm throwing out some thoughts. To understand the situation will help to get a better handle on controlling your own bad behaviours. Remember, you can't control someone else. You have to decide how much you're willing to put up with, with someone else's dissatisfactory behaviours. Ask once nicely and see how he behaves. If he agrees and makes an honest attempt at it, great. If he doesn't, you have to decide how significant this is and react accordingly.
Author capuchin8 Posted August 16, 2007 Author Posted August 16, 2007 He said "no". He wouldn't wear one because he was tired and didn't want to get up, but he was drunk. But I absolutely cannot sleep unless he wears one. He has undiagnosed sleep apnea and snores really loud.
Trialbyfire Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 What if you had gone and gotten the strip for him and asked him if it was okay if you put it on for him? Someone tanked, does not have reasonable physical abilities or judgement.
yergawd Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Cap- IMO, there is no call for violence EVER. If he is able to become violent enough to grab you like you describe (wondering if there has been more, or worse.) I would say you need to get out of the relationship. I am at a place in my life where this is a sensitive subject after hearing some of the lesser things my GF XH did to her. No one has the right to be physical. The fact that he gets more violent when he drinks, is a huge red flag. The cycle is usually "he's only violent when he drinks" "he's only violent when I do something to make him mad." finally "I have to be careful of what I do or say so he does not get mad" Abuse in any form is an absolute deal breaker. In a sense you seem to thrive on the drama as well or why would you put up with such disrespect? There's my 2cents. good luck
Author capuchin8 Posted August 16, 2007 Author Posted August 16, 2007 The nose strip thing is just what started the fight, it was not the actual content of the fight. I am aware that there are immaturity issues in the realtionship. We've both been together since we were 19 and prior to that, neither had been in a ltr. I am just trying to resolve the power struggle that is going on where he feels the need to fight about doing things that only inconvience him slightly by trying to convince me that the requests are unreasonable. I would agree that he interprets my actions as those of a crazy girl or a nag and responds accordingly. He responds premptively with cursing and anger as he feels I am "starting a fight" when I make these requests. However, I am simply trying to let him know my needs and he doesn't like this.
Trialbyfire Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 I do agree that physical violence is not acceptable under any means. On the other hand, she also has behavioural issues to address. If someone doesn't do what you want, is it fair to throw a tantrum? Is there no compromise or judgement of level of importance? A relationship is not "all about me".
Author capuchin8 Posted August 16, 2007 Author Posted August 16, 2007 I see what you are saying by I shouldn't throw a tantrum. The thing is, he absolutely does not respond to niceness. If I ask for something politely..For example, he turns out the bedroom lights before I have gotten into my pjs or have said I am ready to go to bed. So once, I asked him nicely.. could you please ask me if I am ready to go to bed before you turn the lights off? To this, he said he did not have to ASK me to turn the lights off. That he should be able to turn the lights off if he wants to. I just think its not very considerate for my point of view. He responds better to me yelling at him "Don't turn the lights on without asking me, dammit!" He respects this..
Trialbyfire Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Do you want to live like this? Having to escalate to the level of severe drama? Have you discussed the situation with him, in exactly the terms expressed in your post?
Author capuchin8 Posted August 16, 2007 Author Posted August 16, 2007 No, I don't want to live like this. I have expressed this to him..he concurred that he respected me more when I said things more directly rather than acting nice. That's what I am trying to fix- the power struggle thing. Why does I need to be mean or ignore him in order to get his respect???
Trialbyfire Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Asking nicely can be done in an assertive fashion. You can be direct and firm, without needing to resort to yelling or violent behaviour. Also, not everything needs an explanation to precede or follow the request. Try it and see what happens.
Recommended Posts