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More difficult times . . . still


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Posted

Here I am almost 6 months out from my ex of 10 years leaving me and I thought that I was doing so well, or so I thought. Yesterday was a horrible day of deep depression out of the blue. I hope today is better, but so far, it has not been. This is ridiculous . . . I just want my life back. It has been nearly 6 months with nary a peep from her . . . practically total no contact. That is amazing to me, and before it happened, I would have thought it impossible. In my book, 6 months is a long time. I have not contacted her either and have no intention of doing so. It stings when someone who was once such a large part of your life now seems to be so determined to get away from you. For the last couple of days that glaring fact has been staring me in the face. Speaking of my face, I need a slap in the face and a pep talk I'm afraid.

Posted

You know some people ,ay say pull yourself togther, me i say you loved her alot, and time will take its course, and you will heal from this, but maybe sometimes it may help to talk to someone like a life coach? I was in a huge depression and this helped me no end, and maybe if you feel that your stuck in a circle, you may need that little extra push to get you out of it, but in all fairness 6 months isnt that long in the scale of it. Just make sure that you look after yourself, and try to see her silence as a positive, and not a negative. I always think that anyone who has no issues what so ever would pick up the phone, but sometimes silence can say that deep in her, she is feeling the loss and this is how she responds to it. I always think n/c is a cruel thing, and like you think that if we were so close once, why the hell can we not say hi! I dont know, its a funny thing this when people feel they have to cut you out of a life compleaty if there is a chance of staying a friend. I belive life is short, and if we have some1 good, then its worth being a distant friend, but of course its a hard thing to do sometimes.

Posted

I'm sorry if this is something you don't want to talk about but do you still want to be with her?

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Posted
I'm sorry if this is something you don't want to talk about but do you still want to be with her?

 

Hmmm. Good question indeed. The short answer would probably be no, but it is not always that simple. Honestly, this is one of the things that I struggle with. If I do not want to be with her, then why the hell do I get depressed? I go back and forth. Sometimes I just miss her tremendously and would give anything to be able to be with her again, but other times, I feel like she was never the person that I thought she was. In this case, I feel grateful to be away from her so that I can eventually find someone more appropriate for me.

 

I think a large part of it is just the sense of abandonment, of "how could she do this" and such. I loved her with all of my might and for so long, and I think that this blinded me sometimes, and maybe still does. Sometimes I struggle with trying to not love her anymore . . . but it is hard to just turn that stuff off, even after all of this bs.

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Posted
I always think n/c is a cruel thing, and like you think that if we were so close once, why the hell can we not say hi! I dont know, its a funny thing this when people feel they have to cut you out of a life compleaty if there is a chance of staying a friend. I belive life is short, and if we have some1 good, then its worth being a distant friend, but of course its a hard thing to do sometimes.

 

No contact for me has been quite surreal. Sometimes I am okay with it, but other times I feel like this is ridiculous. Fiends and family ask me ocassionally, have you heard from her? I feel strange in replying that no, I have not herd from her at all . . . after 10 years of being with each other practically every day! Sometimes it seems like a weird dream. Did I dream the whole relationship? Did it happen?

Posted
No contact for me has been quite surreal. Sometimes I am okay with it, but other times I feel like this is ridiculous. Fiends and family ask me ocassionally, have you heard from her? I feel strange in replying that no, I have not herd from her at all . . . after 10 years of being with each other practically every day! Sometimes it seems like a weird dream. Did I dream the whole relationship? Did it happen?

 

 

 

i know what you mean! did it ever happen! like i said, its not natural or respectful to compleatly cut a person out from your life, but think of this, why did they act like this? why did they need to cut us out?. dont try not to love her anymore, that is impossible, but just let that love slowly go and you will move on. All what you said about you want her then dont. i dont think it matters what they were like, my ex had a ton of **** but i loved her, and that ton of **** never really helped me get over her, but what did was to be able to forgive her, and to know that she acted in the relationship and after the way she did b/c she has many issues, and at the end of the day, shes as scared of getting hurt the same as the rest of us. Dont be bitter, and instead of the crap, remember the good, cos good will always win over bad. Ok some people are just compleat tossers who are not worthy of anything, but most of us who have spent a prolonged period of time with our ex's must have done that for a reason-Love maybe?? Feel what you have to, but dont deny that you love her, cos you will only hold back your true feelings and that will be bitterness and baggage.

Posted
i know what you mean! did it ever happen! like i said, its not natural or respectful to compleatly cut a person out from your life, but think of this, why did they act like this? why did they need to cut us out?. dont try not to love her anymore, that is impossible, but just let that love slowly go and you will move on. All what you said about you want her then dont. i dont think it matters what they were like, my ex had a ton of **** but i loved her, and that ton of **** never really helped me get over her, but what did was to be able to forgive her, and to know that she acted in the relationship and after the way she did b/c she has many issues, and at the end of the day, shes as scared of getting hurt the same as the rest of us. Dont be bitter, and instead of the crap, remember the good, cos good will always win over bad. Ok some people are just compleat tossers who are not worthy of anything, but most of us who have spent a prolonged period of time with our ex's must have done that for a reason-Love maybe?? Feel what you have to, but dont deny that you love her, cos you will only hold back your true feelings and that will be bitterness and baggage.

 

funky, very well said. the people who are able to let these events pass in life must feel them for what they are worth and let them drift away. if you hold anger or resentment you will only keep those feelings around, and that wont help with healing.

 

also, completely out of context, is that a 6 string bass you are holding in your profile? :D

Posted

hey i'm just going to be honest with you. i alway play devil's advocate, so sorry if you don't want to hear this.

 

if you can't just turn and say "no i don't want to be with her" then you probably do want to be with her. you are just sick and tired of dealing with the bs associated with being with her.

 

try to remember, relationships are all rollercoasters. rollercoasters with ups and downs. sometimes extreme ups, and sometimes extreme downs.

 

you have to figure out for yourself what's more important and what did you love the most about being with her.

 

see i think that most people have the natural inclination to look at all the negative sides to things without paying attention to all the positive that surrounded it. the reason i'm saying this is because i'm going through it right now.

 

over the course of a 5 year relationship my ex and i had 3 big fights. two of which ended up in a break up. the first one all i kept hearing from her is how crappy she felt, but when asked, "how was it the rest of the time?" she said "things were great, why did you have to make me feel like this..." then i would say "so would you agree that at least 95% of the time it was great?" and she would say yes. and then i would say that's an "A" in any class i've ever taken (trying to be funny but make a point).

 

the second time which is the current debacle i'm in right now, i'm hearing the same crap. now, am i wrong for the things i did that made her feel bad, absolutely. but clearly there are things she did wrong as well to make me feel the way i did and act the way i acted. the difference between the both of us is that i'm an optimist. in my opinion, in a relationship you have to be otherwise you are destined to fail. i always try to find the good amongst the crap. instead of dwelling on the one or two times i was feeling bad about things, i always try to see what the reasons are that i was with her in the first place.

 

statistically speaking, once someone is out of you life for a longer period of time, if you take a minute to reflect, 70% of people say that they wish that they would have tried to work it out with the person they split from.

 

i got that information from Homer McDonald's "STOP YOUR DIVORCE"

 

there's a reason you two got together and there's a reason you split up. now if the reason you got together isn't important to both of you anymore then maybe you're better off being away, however, if it's still important/relavent then maybe you should rethink your reasoning for being out of the relationship.

 

just my opinion, please do not take it the wrong way.

Posted
funky, very well said. the people who are able to let these events pass in life must feel them for what they are worth and let them drift away. if you hold anger or resentment you will only keep those feelings around, and that wont help with healing.

 

also, completely out of context, is that a 6 string bass you are holding in your profile? :D

 

 

ha ha yes it is!! well spotted do you play? i have a myspace site [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] http://www.myspace.com/richthefunkybassman theres a couple of vids me playing live and at home!!1 have a look!1[/FONT][/COLOR]

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Posted
hey i'm just going to be honest with you. i alway play devil's advocate, so sorry if you don't want to hear this.

 

if you can't just turn and say "no i don't want to be with her" then you probably do want to be with her. you are just sick and tired of dealing with the bs associated with being with her. . . . .

 

. . . . there's a reason you two got together and there's a reason you split up. now if the reason you got together isn't important to both of you anymore then maybe you're better off being away, however, if it's still important/relavent then maybe you should rethink your reasoning for being out of the relationship.

 

just my opinion, please do not take it the wrong way.

 

I'm not taking this the wrong way at all. Who knows what is important to her anymore? She is the one who decided that the relationship should end - it was a unilateral decision. I am forced to deal with it and accept it. At this point, it is probably not so much that I ever want to get back together with her than the idea that she can just cut contact like that. I have decided that this is what my issue is. I get more offended as each week goes by and I do not hear anything.

 

Maybe I should relax. I try to remember that the two occasions that I did see her, she was clearly very emotional about our split, even if the second time I saw her she did not admit it. It was easy to tell just by looking at her face. There is no way I will contact her first . . . ever. She broke up with me after all.

 

I know that she is lonely, and I know that she is confused. That is just who she is . . . but still through it all, there is no contact. I imagine, knowing her, that it would be hard for her pride for her to contact me in any way. That is just how she is. She is the type who does not like to admit that she is wrong about anything, especially to me for some reason. But hey, that's not my problem. I know that soon these feelings of mine will pass, and so will hers. Only then will it really be over. I think that is what bothers me. The fact that our relationship is over, without really being over. I am still emotional and she probably is too, yet we are not talking anymore. This whole thing feels cut off at the legs. Unresolved. But how resolved can a breakup be after a long term relationship? Jumping into no contact after 10 years together seems so violent, so extreme, but maybe necessary? I don't know . . . I have never done this before.

 

Oh, and Funky, you can really play bass!

Posted

well maybe there's a chance that after 10 years you guys got a little routine and boring and she might want to be persued and courted again...

Posted

Oh, and Funky, you can really play bass!

 

 

 

HA ha cool, glad you liked it, lots of people into bass on this site!! I teach too by the way!

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