nottoobright Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 Hello, I visited this site a long time ago and sought help or rather answers from other people who may have been in my situation or maybe even just able to offer some advice. I am once again asking for advice because things not only have not gotten better or resolved themselves but it seems like things are worse than ever. My post will probably be long and I apologize but I certainly will appreciate and accept any advice I am given. I am a 40 year old female in my second marraige. my first marraige lasted 10 years and ended after I discovered that not only was my husband cheating but he'd had a male lover throughout our marraige. Shortly after my seperation I met a man named "Jim", whose children were friends of my children. he was a very ruggedly attractive and charming man who had also recently divorced because of his wifes infidelity. It was an instant attraction for me, I can't remember for sure if it was attraction or just the need for someone that I could turn to after my marraige ended. I guess I'll choose to believe it was love at first sight. The very first time "Jim" and I went out we spent most of the evening talking about our failed marraiges and what we thought went wrong. Both of us have custody of our children so we talked about how that was working out, too. Jim explained to me that over the year and a half since his divorce he and his former wife had thought about the possibility of getting back together and were still "somewhat sexually active". I didn't really have any opinion on the matter as it was a first date. Within a couple of weeks, Jim and I were seeing each other on a regular basis, virtually every night in fact. Our children were spending a lot of time together and we seemed to make a great couple. One night Jim called me to tell me that he was going to go to his ex-wifes home for dinner and my reply was that "either she or I deserved his undivided attention" and I was not going to be a part of that. The next night we decided once again to continue the relationship we had started. I told Jim that "if he were to be intimate with her not to come to me for sex, the next night or the next night or the next." I fell head over heels in love with him and he seemed to have fallen in love with me calling me at night before I went to sleep telling me "to imagine his arms around me as I fell asleep" and other wildly romantic, sweet nothings. I had assumed that he and I were a couple and that there was no longer any chance that he would be returning to his ex wife. One night Jim called to tell me he could not see me that night because he didn't feel well, an hour later I bumped into him and his ex wife at a local department store. He claimed that he had just run out to pick up oil for his truck and she needed to talk. I accepted that "excuse" and things were fine. Whenever Jim and I would go out or spend time together his ex wife would call sometimes as many times as 30 times in 1 hour and each time she would call, Jim would answer the phone. For the next few months Jim would run me off at around 11:00 each night because his ex-wife would return their oldest son home from work on her way home from her job. I believed that he just didn't want a scene if she saw me there. One night about 3 1/2 months after we'd began a more serious relationship for some reason I can't even explain, I drove past his home. It was about 2:00am and I found her car in the driveway. Jim would not answer his house or cell phone so I returned home angry and heartbroken. The next day he admitted to having been intimate with her the night before. I can't explain why but I chose to forgive him or ignore it, I don't know. We once again resumed our relationship as if nothing had happened. A couple of weeks later on Thanksgiving he opted to spend the holiday with her rather than with me, and at Christmas he did the same explaining that the kids needed to see both of their parents on holidays. Again I was very hurt but accepted that I was second fiddle to this woman. By February she had become very angry that he was still with me and showed up at his home demanding that he make a decision, her or me. He chose me and I moved in with him a week later. Over the course of the next six months or so she would call every morning at 6:00am to say good morning, he would tell the kids on his way out the door that "he and their mama loved them", and 15-20 times a day he would tell me "that he still loved her" and "if she could have stopped cheating on him and fighting with him" or "I never wanted the divorce". We started taking about getting married and eventually I told him how much I hated him saying he "still loved her". I would find cards or photos around the house that she had given him and he would save them, tucking them behind books and such so they wouldn't be thrown away. she started making lots of trouble for me breaking into our home, leaving drugs in my belongings, stealing my things and calling child protective services on me. She would come to the house late at night to tell him he was her "soul mate and she wanted to die in his arms." Jim would call the police on her but ask them not to arrest her, even after she wanted to fight me. This went on for almost a year. Because his ex wife was over $10,000.00 in arrears on her child support and because he was paying bills for her he got pretty deep in debt and a couple of times I bailed him out of tight spots, catching him up on bills and paying for dental work for his daughter, school related activities for his sons, etc... I recieved a pretty large divorce settlement and the home which I sold so I have some money. I eventally demanded that he go after her for the child support and arrears because I was tired of paying for things that were not my responsibility. It took over a year and a half before he did anything about the child support. One day, I don't know what hit me but I wanted some answers about why he had decided to cheat on me. His response was that "it was the begining of our relationship and that he had tried to be honest with me by telling me that first night that they had still been somewhat sexually active." I demanded answers and he filled in all of the missing pieces telling me that 2 times she had walked into the house while he was in the shower masturbating and she got in the shower with him and the night I found out was the only night he'd had intercourse with her. I asked if he had at least used protection and he told me "yes except when she was giving me a bl*wjob", more info than I needed. I eventually found out that she was sleeping at his home quite often "but thats all they did was sleep", no wonder he would run me off every night!! I don't know why but I married him, he even changed our wedding day so she could have a visitation with the kids!! The longer I thought about it the madder I got until we began fighting nearly every day. He feeds me excuses about why he cheated, why he'd tell me he still loved her etc. I think he used me to "get even" with her and eventually got stuck with me. I don't believe he loves me. He's never given me so much as a birthday gift, when "Mothers" day rolled around he gave her a card and me nothing. I cook and clean for him and his kids every day and he does nothing for me. I have to beg him for sex and get turned down more often than not. I am so unhappy most days I just want to die. His kids are rude and disrespectful to me, they think I owe them whatever I give my own kids. I cannot buy my children something unless I buy for his kds too but "mama" is allowed to send cakes, candy, soda, etc. here for only his kids. Recently she decided to take him to court on a contempt charge because she claimed that I was stealing letters that she sent here for her daughter, letters that would come 2-3 weeks after she'd tell the kids she mailed them, one even came with an apology for being so late. She could see the kids pretty much any time she wanted yet she claimed that I had told her one day that she could not take the kids for their weekend visitation which was untrue. His legal fees came to just over $10,000.00. I paid the first $5300.00 which I made him return to me because I felt that he could have put a stop to it long ago. Now he owes another $5,000.00 to the lawyer that he doesn't have. He wants me to give him $2300.00 to pay back his 401k loan so he can get the $5000.00 out of there. I have refused to pay the legal fees. $10,000.00 and the settlement agreement was that she can only call here on Wednesday and Sunday from 9-9:30 when she used to be able to call whenever she wanted (this was by her choice to have a set time to call), She also "won" the right to have lunch at her daughters school one day a week which she has not even excercised, and the "right to contact him if it pertained to the children (which she did all the time anyway). Last night some of her photos were on our dresser, not sure HOW they got there but he put them ON a box on the floor on my side of our closet, right where I could see them. I asked him why and he said that he "wanted to keep them in case the kids wanted a picture of their mama". He won't get rif of anything that belonged to her, not even her visor from her burger flippin job at "Wendys". I hate him for having cheated and for making me feel so unloved and like I was his second choice. I am starting to really dislike his kids. The 9 year old daughter won't eat half of what I cook, the youngest son treats me like sh*t and his oldest son who recently moved out blames me for the problems his mother caused. She is like a saint to these people. This woman cheated on Jim, left him for another man deserting her children and for the first year they were together never even visited her kids, only if she woke up here. I hate this life with this man but I don't know how to leave him. I can't stand him but I love him at the same time. It is a nightmare being married to a man that acts l;ike he loves someone else. I've gained over 50 lbs in a year, I'm miserable all the time, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to leave him and I don't know how to forgive him and move past it, I especially don't know how to make myself feel loved or wanted by this man. Any advice would be appreciated....
norajane Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 You can't make him love you or want you. And you can't forgive him because he's doing nothing to show regret or to ASK your forgiveness, nor does he treat you in such a way where you could say his present behavior makes up for the past. You know how to leave him - you left your first husband, and it's exactly the same. Find a lawyer, find a place to live, and move out. You are not dependent on him, and you don't owe him anything! Get out, and maybe seek some counseling to understand why are you married a man that you KNEW was still in love with his ex-wife. Maybe your cheating first husband did a number on your self-esteem, and you fell for this guy who seemed like a balm. But when he started making you feel second-best, you should have walked away and you didn't. Figure out why with the help of a therapist, so you won't ever fall into this kind of trap again. Good luck to you.
Author nottoobright Posted August 17, 2007 Author Posted August 17, 2007 So are you saying that it sounds to you that he is still in love with his ex wife too? or are you going by what I wrote, meaning just I think he is in love with his ex still?
norajane Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 YOu said he told you he's still in love with her. Regardless, he doesn't sound like he's in love with you. And YOU said all this: One day, I don't know what hit me but I wanted some answers about why he had decided to cheat on me. His response was that "it was the begining of our relationship and that he had tried to be honest with me by telling me that first night that they had still been somewhat sexually active." I demanded answers and he filled in all of the missing pieces telling me that 2 times she had walked into the house while he was in the shower masturbating and she got in the shower with him and the night I found out was the only night he'd had intercourse with her. I asked if he had at least used protection and he told me "yes except when she was giving me a bl*wjob", more info than I needed. I eventually found out that she was sleeping at his home quite often "but thats all they did was sleep", no wonder he would run me off every night!! I don't know why but I married him, he even changed our wedding day so she could have a visitation with the kids!! The longer I thought about it the madder I got until we began fighting nearly every day. He feeds me excuses about why he cheated, why he'd tell me he still loved her etc. I think he used me to "get even" with her and eventually got stuck with me. I don't believe he loves me. He's never given me so much as a birthday gift, when "Mothers" day rolled around he gave her a card and me nothing. I cook and clean for him and his kids every day and he does nothing for me. I have to beg him for sex and get turned down more often than not. I am so unhappy most days I just want to die. This man is not good for you and you need to leave him, like, yesterday.
Author nottoobright Posted August 17, 2007 Author Posted August 17, 2007 I know, I know. This is devestating me..... I just want to be sure I am doing the right thing. When he'd say he still loved her it would be more like, even though she is being an ass or doing bad things, I still love her and don't want to hurt her. Tonight when she came to pick up the kids at 6:00pm, he was sure to be showered, he even shaved off his beard and got all cleaned up. Most nights he won't take his shower when he gets off work until 8-9. I don't know if it is that he is still "in love with her" or just "still loves her". I think, for me it has gotten to the point that I know he doesn't want me but I'll be damned if he is going to get back with her. I don't know. I do love him but I have so much anger about everything that has happened. All she has put me through, all he's put me through. I love being a wife, I love all the things that a good wife is supposed to do. Having someone to cook for, clean for, etc.... What am I going to do if I leave????
norajane Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 When you leave, you will start fresh. You will be independent for a while - something you didn't do when you left your first husband...you went right to this guy. Once you learn how to love yourself and be comfortable on your own, then you can let someone into your life who will appreciate you and what you have to offer. And you will stay away from the men who suck you dry for their own gain, the ones who use you and then make you feel unloved. Yes, this will be a change of lifestyle, but you will have such relief to be free of all this anxiety and just plain nastiness, that you will see a whole new life ahead of you! You can do this. The sooner, the better.
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