Leonidas Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 For a long time, I've been in love with a married co-worker. I've never told her how I felt and over the last year or so, we've gotten to be pretty good friends. I guess I've always been hoping that it would turn into more, but deep down I think I know that's next to impossible. It's an all-consuming feeling that's having a detremental effect on my career and my personal life. I want to get over it and try to put it past me, but I'm not sure how. She and I don't work together directly anymore, so I guess I could just stop seeing her (for lunch, coffee etc.) It just seems like a shame to throw away a friendship. Plus the fact, I doubt that would make my feelings go away anyway. Can someone please tell me what to do? I'm desperately, painfully unhappy.
JCD Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Absolutely go NC. I guarantee you that the pain will go away after you don't talk or see her. I had lot of crushes in my life and everyone of them stopped once I went NC. For the future you have to have self respect and never go after married women or girls with boyfriends. Even after the girls break up with their boyfriends they still carry lots of baggage from that relationship and need to be given time to heal so they can start on the right foot with new relationship. So, definitely go NC and although you'll be hurting for couple of months, it will eventually be less painful as you forget more of her. Soon you'll forget her and be able to move on. If you stay in contact like me, she came to my dept. again, then the pain will resurface again and I honestly don't know if or when it will go away. You would think I can get over her in non-NC but I can't. Also, I find it very hard to accept that she and I will not be together and it's just easier to go NC and forget the whole thing rather than seeing her and convincing myself that I can get over her, imo.
disgracian Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 I echo JCD's advice. There is no substitute for time, no ritual or ephiphany that will snap you out of it suddenly. Whether you go cold turkey or not is up to you, but NC is definitely the way to go. There, I just used my first LoveShack acronym. Cheers, D.
Author Leonidas Posted August 16, 2007 Author Posted August 16, 2007 Thank you both. I'm sorry to say, "NC" is an acronym I'm not familiar with. Am I correct in assuming that it stands for "No Contact"? Meaning that I should just end the friendship and never see her again? If that's what you're both suggesting, I really don't want to do that. If I lose her, even as a friend, I'm going to REALLY REALLY devestated and depressed for a REALLY REALLY long time. I keep thinking that if I have her around, even if it's only in the capacity of a friend, it's better than not having her in my life at all. ... I know in some ways it's self-destructive, but that's how I feel. ... I guess I'm hoping that in time, the feelings will subside on their own. As far as self-respect goes, it's not always that simple. A friend of mine once said "You don't choose these things. They choose you." It would be great if we could pick and choose the people we develop feelings for and don't. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Cheers. (And thanks.)
disgracian Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 The trap is that you will always have this thought at the back of your mind that the friendship will turn into something more, even after the conscious part of your mind has dismissed it (or has tried to dismiss it). That will just keep you in the spiral, and while it may seem now like the lesser of two evils, it's going to make it very difficult to make any progress. Should you go NC (yes, it does stand for No Contact), there will be devastation at first, and it will be hard. That's inevitable when depriving yourself of something that you have a strong connection to. But in the longterm it will most likely be the best option. I'm not saying that you definitely should because I don't know the situation as well as you. For all I know, you may be able to resolve the feelings while remaining in contact, but I haven't heard of such a thing happening all that often. Cheers, D.
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