uniqueone Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 I've been really patient and hush hush about this while I try and decide what to do in the last nine months or so. My s/o for the first few years we were together never drank, he just said he was not interested and didn't . I don't have a problem with a few drinks , but don't really enjoy drinking on a regular basis. About nine months ago my s/o decided a few drinks would be okay. He just changed his mind. Its been escalating from there. Its gone from a few drinks twice a month , to once a week to the point where he is passed out on the couch. We once had a friend over and he brought a bunch to drink to the point where my s/o drank so much that when he stood up he fell over. Its turned into drinking 3 times a week and drinking every single drop in the house . It disgusts me . He will actually get out of bed at night and finish whatever is left . I have tried to discuss this with him , but I get very little back , he just says he enjoys it , and there is no reason he should not partake.He says he has a good job, is happy in his life , pays his bills ,ect. I've taken to leaving him alone and letting him drink himself to sleep on the couch. I woke up at 6 am this morning to get a drink of water and there he was in the kitchen doing a shot . He did not realize I was there and I went back to bed without my water . Im seriously thinking about leaving , I have a lot invested here but Im just too young to deal with someone else's b/s problem. I suspect this is alcohol abuse but not alcoholism. I know we have several recovered alcoholics on this board , so any advice here? It's not alcohol abuse that he's got. It's alcoholism. No doubt about it. That's why he didnt' drink at all before. He had to stop entirely because if he has one drink, he can't stop. So he was able to stop completely for awhile but then he caved. If you want to try a test, here's how. Have him sit with you one evening and only have ONE drink. Just one. That'll tell you right there. But I can already tell you that he's one. And there's nothing you can do to help him. Believe me, I know.
amaysngrace Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 If you want to try a test, here's how. Have him sit with you one evening and only have ONE drink. Just one. That'll tell you right there. No offense but I don't think that really tells anything. Most alcoholics would love to be able to have one drink. And some can actually do it once or twice or maybe even for a week straight. This lets them believe they have it under control when in fact they don't. Please don't do this test Tink. It really doesn't mean much. And on a side note Tink...if our lives aren't so scarily parallel I don't know of any two that are as much. OCD a little too? OMG. Yet this is the guy you like, huh? Too freaky! You're my soul-sister.
directx Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 Everyone should rent the episode of BullSh*t where they cover AA. Thats all I'm going to say.
Touche Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 It's not alcohol abuse that he's got. It's alcoholism. No doubt about it. That's why he didnt' drink at all before. He had to stop entirely because if he has one drink, he can't stop. So he was able to stop completely for awhile but then he caved. If you want to try a test, here's how. Have him sit with you one evening and only have ONE drink. Just one. That'll tell you right there. But I can already tell you that he's one. And there's nothing you can do to help him. Believe me, I know. Yup, you're absolutely right. Sorry, Grace, I ain't buyin' it.
amaysngrace Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 Yup, you're absolutely right. Sorry, Grace, I ain't buyin' it. My guy can have just one. Especially when he's trying really hard to be on good behavior. Leave the arguing to your hubby Touche. And what's with the steak?
Touche Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 My guy can have just one. Especially when he's trying really hard to be on good behavior. Leave the arguing to your hubby Touche. And what's with the steak? I don't argue with my hubby, Amay. An alcoholic can't really have just one. The steak is a private joke between myself and another member.
amaysngrace Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 I don't argue with my hubby I didn't say to argue with your hubby...I said you should leave it up to him to be the arguer in the house. Or at work rather. Um...nevermind....
uniqueone Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 No offense but I don't think that really tells anything. Most alcoholics would love to be able to have one drink. And some can actually do it once or twice or maybe even for a week straight. This lets them believe they have it under control when in fact they don't. Please don't do this test Tink. It really doesn't mean much. And on a side note Tink...if our lives aren't so scarily parallel I don't know of any two that are as much. OCD a little too? OMG. Yet this is the guy you like, huh? Too freaky! You're my soul-sister. No, they CAN'T do that for a week. They can TOTALLY quit for a week, but they can't have one drink and quit for a night. Doesn't happen like that. I have enough experience with it to know.
amaysngrace Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 They can TOTALLY quit for a week, but they can't have one drink and quit for a night. Doesn't happen like that. I have enough experience with it to know. Just because your experience is this does not mean that EVERYONE ELSE'S experience is the same. And that goes for any experience. Just because it applies to the majority does not make it ABSOLUT. I have read that there are about 25 questions to answer regarding alcoholism...not just ONE.
uniqueone Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 Just because your experience is this does not mean that EVERYONE ELSE'S experience is the same. And that goes for any experience. Just because it applies to the majority does not make it ABSOLUT. I have read that there are about 25 questions to answer regarding alcoholism...not just ONE. Ok, just go ask AA then.
amaysngrace Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 Ok, just go ask AA then. I tried. I went to the website for AA. Searched for OCD. Even searched it by spelling it out. Both searches resulted in zero findings. Not everyone's the same. Tink's guy is OCD and if he's like my OCD guy he can obsess himself into drinking just one. But her guy might be different than my guy cause everybody's unique. There is more than just one question to determine alcoholism. And if someone can stop at just one drink as a test then it's pretty naive to think that this one test is the be-all or end-all of being an alcoholic. It's just one question of many in making a determination.
uniqueone Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 I tried. I went to the website for AA. Searched for OCD. Even searched it by spelling it out. Both searches resulted in zero findings. Not everyone's the same. Tink's guy is OCD and if he's like my OCD guy he can obsess himself into drinking just one. But her guy might be different than my guy cause everybody's unique. There is more than just one question to determine alcoholism. And if someone can stop at just one drink as a test then it's pretty naive to think that this one test is the be-all or end-all of being an alcoholic. It's just one question of many in making a determination. Ahhhh.....okay.....
Lilysavage Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 This is a sad story and all to familiar one for me. Your story reads the same as mine bar the am drinking. Mine waits until 12.00. Sadly we are over, it's just now down to the sorting out and selling up. Drink was not the only issue, but the basic one, that was actually a symptom of another problem. Please be careful that drink does not lead to violence, black outs, or 'promiscouity' and cheating on his part... drink makes some people act so differently to their sober selves they take on a 'werewolf' personality. Some just cry and fall asleep, some think they are Hugh heffner and you are lucky to have him, then when you stop finding their drunken humour funny, they may be nasty, emotionally, mentally or phsyically. As someone else said you cannot make him stop, or actually help really unless he does. When he is sober tell him my story... that this lady in england met a fella who said he didn't drink, but actually was killing a bottle of vodka a day, and when she objected to this in the end he half strangled her, and tried to sleep with her friends. Tell him you are too young to be afraid of the drink 'werewolf', and are his partner not his counsellor, carer, and ask if he will try to stop. Don't nag.. just say it from a fear and I love you place... and an I miss you place... He's got two choices. If he chooses drink or the drinking lifestyle over you. When you can, leave. It took 7 years of justifying my partners ways to friends and family, before I realised I had no love left. Good luck.
Author tinktronik Posted September 16, 2007 Author Posted September 16, 2007 Well, we had the talk about his drinking when the boys returned to school . He agreed that he does drink far too much and decided that it was the right choice to not drink. To my knolodge he has not had a drink for a couple of weeks now , he does not seem to be drinking ,but does seem uptight and grumbly in its stead . On a side note, he ended up with an ulcer from his drinking and this I would imagine contributed to his realization that he was indeed making the wrong choice . So I'm watching and waiting.
Touche Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 Well, we had the talk about his drinking when the boys returned to school . He agreed that he does drink far too much and decided that it was the right choice to not drink. To my knolodge he has not had a drink for a couple of weeks now , he does not seem to be drinking ,but does seem uptight and grumbly in its stead . On a side note, he ended up with an ulcer from his drinking and this I would imagine contributed to his realization that he was indeed making the wrong choice . So I'm watching and waiting. It's great that he can talk to you about this, Tink. Sounds like he really HAS stopped if he's uptight as you say. Alcohol withdrawal can do that. Is he smoking pot? I know I'll get flamed for saying this but the pot would probably help with the alcohol withdrawal. Anyway, the withdrawal should cease soon and then he should feel great and be calmer. Just continue to be as supportive as you have and tell him how proud you are of him. Giving up alcohol can be very tough.
Author tinktronik Posted September 16, 2007 Author Posted September 16, 2007 It's great that he can talk to you about this, Tink. Sounds like he really HAS stopped if he's uptight as you say. Alcohol withdrawal can do that. Is he smoking pot? I know I'll get flamed for saying this but the pot would probably help with the alcohol withdrawal. Anyway, the withdrawal should cease soon and then he should feel great and be calmer. Just continue to be as supportive as you have and tell him how proud you are of him. Giving up alcohol can be very tough. No he's not smoking pot . He is driving me crazy though as hes taken a few months off work and is working on "projects" so he's always around .So he's a constant and has a bad attitude.
Touche Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 No he's not smoking pot . He is driving me crazy though as hes taken a few months off work and is working on "projects" so he's always around .So he's a constant and has a bad attitude. Try to ride this out and just stay out of his way if you can. This will pass in time. What does he say about his moods?
Author tinktronik Posted September 16, 2007 Author Posted September 16, 2007 Try to ride this out and just stay out of his way if you can. This will pass in time. What does he say about his moods? He says hes probably bi-polar but does not want to be medicated. Hes really just a smart azz all of the time . And a not working smartazz has a very short rope with wich to hang himself . Really T he is driving me nutty . But as for hanging in there , where else would I hang ?
Touche Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 He says hes probably bi-polar but does not want to be medicated. Hes really just a smart azz all of the time . And a not working smartazz has a very short rope with wich to hang himself . Really T he is driving me nutty . But as for hanging in there , where else would I hang ? Well that really stinks. I don't know what to say. I mean if this is a man that you can only take in small doses, then maybe he's really not the man for you. I mean if he has stopped drinking and his moods still suck and he won't take medication, where does that leave you? Still not happy with things. Perhaps it's time to seriously reassess this relationship?
Author tinktronik Posted September 16, 2007 Author Posted September 16, 2007 Well that really stinks. I don't know what to say. I mean if this is a man that you can only take in small doses, then maybe he's really not the man for you. I mean if he has stopped drinking and his moods still suck and he won't take medication, where does that leave you? Still not happy with things. Perhaps it's time to seriously reassess this relationship?Perhaps. Small doses? I really like being able to have my own space and time alone to myself . I like knowing we are both being productive and working toward our lifestyle. "projects" means hes fuc**ng around with his computer and not getting much else done , but its of GREAT IMPORTANCE to him....blah blah . He was off work durring the summer but has money from a trust that comes in large chunks , so the plan was he would work at home all summer on his bussiness and then go back to work, but now hes decided that he will not work for a few more months and the next "chunk " he will invest into the biz and work full time from home . But in the mean time his money is gone so Im floating the boat and I am SOOOO resentfull of this. I think that the full summer and then more time with his around the house is just too much . I don't know if he's more moody than usuall or Im just seeing more of him , he is always more moody however when he's not being productive . His theory is that the next "chunk" of money is very large and can be both invested to grow his dream as well a support a lifestyle for us and thus I can go back to school full time when the time comes. In the meantime Im ready to pull my hair out.
Author tinktronik Posted September 16, 2007 Author Posted September 16, 2007 All of these things you've told him? yes Iv'e told him these things.
johan Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 Well, I guess your only alternative is to leave him and come be my woman.
Touche Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 Why do you resent taking care of things now if he's willing to take care of you down the road?
Author tinktronik Posted September 16, 2007 Author Posted September 16, 2007 Why do you resent taking care of things now if he's willing to take care of you down the road? Because I have had periods of time in the past that I have taken care of things . I made it clear that I did not want the burden placed on me yet again , and he chose to do so . I don't really think that the future holds him taking care of things . He is mainly a working musician and the draw towards spending irresponsibly versus responsibly is too much . The claim is that he will take care of me but I just have no evidence to suggest that this is reality . If it is then yes I will begin to work towards my MBA the beginning of the year but the more likely scenerio will be that he will simply invest it all into toys for the bussiness and put me off for a longer amount of time untill the biz crashes , because while he is sucessfull at being a musician he is not a sucessfull buisseness person. And I will end up investing my own time energy and money into a pipe dream . I have already told him that I would prefer that when the next "chunk " of money comes in I would like to cut back to part time get back into school and for him to hire an accountant and manager to put the stop gap to his own spending . But you can't tell him what to do . I think my complaint is more that I have covered the NUT before and did not agree willingly to do it again ,infact I said NO and he just decided to put it onto me anyway.
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