bluejeanbebe Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 Hello, it's me, BJB again. Some of you might remember from a few days ago, I starting posting about my situation. (ie, 'A Confession and a Question). I do appreciate your thoughts. Now something else has been weighing heavily on me. We have been having an EA, then eventual PA for about 7 months. Not much has been said about the state of his marriage. We do talk about his life and his kids, but not much about him and her. He is currently working on leaving her and filing for divorce. The only way I've been able to attempt to maintain my sanity is to just ignore the fact that he's married (yes, I know, denial not only is a river in egypt, and I think his wife is in that same boat). But as each day passes, and the more I'm falling in love, the less I am able to do this. I am wondering 2 things, and my first thought is, do I have right to ask this, is it my business or my place to ask? I am wondering: 1. Do you still love her? and 2. Are you still sleeping with her? I think it ~is~ my business to ask, seeing that he and I are falling in love and ~we~ are sleeping together. But I'm torn - I feel like it's not my place to ask. What do you think? I think the next time we have a chance to talk that I'm going to tell him that I think we should stop sleeping together until he is seperated. I think that's a step in the right direction?
TogetherForever Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 BJB, IMO, you DO have a right to ask those questions. You also have the right to demand honest answers to those questions. TF
precious1357 Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 I understand exactly how you feel. If you love him, ask. I asked my MM if he loved his wife (he has been married 40 years!). He did not hesitate at all in replying no he did not nor does he have a sexual relationship with her (no sex for more than 5 years). He explained that he will marry me, everything takes time and I understand, we are not children. I do not want him to hurt nor do I want to hurt anyone, but I believed because of our strong love for each other, I had the right to ask.
PoshPrincess Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 BJB, you DO have the right to ask. After all, you are in a R with him and he is telling you that he will D his W. The thing is, you have to be prepared for his answers as he may tell you something you don't want to hear (the fact that he may 'love' her though is very unlikely though if he is getting D'd). Also, he may not be truthful with you. This may not be because he is stringing you along though, but because he doesn't want to hurt you. If his W is in denial about their break-up then it's pretty likely that she still loves him and she may still want to have sex with him. I never asked my MM at the beginning of our R whether him and his W slept together. I just assumed they did. It was only after he told me he was leaving her and that he wanted to be with me that I asked. Not surprisingly, he said they hadn't slept together in months. I don't know why I bothered asking him as I didn't believe his answer anyway! Just a warning!
whichwayisup Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 If you ask, be prepared for answers which you may not like. Realistically, you need to not ask, give him space and try to do your best with NC. You pressure him, push too much, he won't do anything. You can't expect a time frame right now, all of this has to be done on his terms - That is, if you're willing to wait around afew years for him to leave his wife and kids...
Love4Eternity Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 I am not sure if we have the right to ask those questions but i have to say that I ask them and so does my mm who asks me, so i guess its a personal thing i mean if its just sex between the two partners then no i wouldnt ask but when feelings start to get involved between the two then i would think it would be only natural to wonder and ask...the one thing between me and my mm is that since we are both married and with each other at the same time, that we agreed not to ask the other or demand that the other leave their marriage and family its something we would have to decide on our own to do. we both are jealous and we both ask each other questions about our personal lives....so i think you should do or ask what you feel is best for your situation...the worst that can happen is he will either lie or not answer you, but there is hope he might just be honest and open about it too..
lost4ever Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 You have the right to ask, he has the right to lie, and we all know only actions show the real truth
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 Be prepared to open a can of worms BJB. Knowledge is power but Ignorance is bliss! Maybe ask yourself this first - do the answers make a difference and will the answers be the truth? Is he really going to say "Yes I love my wife to bits and we have a brilliant sex life!" And if he does - then why would he be getting a divorce? I think every sexual partner has the right to ask whether there are other sexual partners on the scene. But thats different in an A to some extent, because although I may feel like I have a right to know, MM and I never gave the W the right to know because our R was initially based in secrecy, as most A's are. Therefore, it begs the question, if we're not giving the W the right to know, is it fair to ask whether we should know what her sex life is like?
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 I think the next time we have a chance to talk that I'm going to tell him that I think we should stop sleeping together until he is seperated. I think that's a step in the right direction? Yes. If his feelings for you are genuine and not just the temporary symptom of marital inertia, then this will yield you the truth far quicker than allowing the affair to drag along endlessly until he eventually bores and loses interest in it, too. Complacency is what results in inertia. And if you enable him by making it too easy for him not to make a choice, than it’s more likely he won’t. People will usually choose the path of least resistance. I think your feelings and boundaries deserved to be respected just as much as his. But in order to get his respect, you must first respect yourself. If you are too quick to lay yourself down at someone’s feet, then they are likely to accept the invitation to walk all over you. However, be careful not to draw your line in the sand if you’re not prepared to be brave and strong enough to stand behind it. If you make your expectations clear, and than cave on your own word, than you risk losing what little respect and ground you’ve gained. As unrealistic as it is, let’s remove the “married” part from the equation just as a hypothetical. And seriously ask yourself ... would you be willing to stand second in line to another female lover ( or share your partner with another woman ) if this guy you were so ga-ga about were single? If not ... than don’t allow his excuse for not being willing to invest in your relationship fully also become yours.
outofdarkness Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Hello, it's me, BJB again. Some of you might remember from a few days ago, I starting posting about my situation. (ie, 'A Confession and a Question). I do appreciate your thoughts. Now something else has been weighing heavily on me. We have been having an EA, then eventual PA for about 7 months. Not much has been said about the state of his marriage. We do talk about his life and his kids, but not much about him and her. He is currently working on leaving her and filing for divorce. The only way I've been able to attempt to maintain my sanity is to just ignore the fact that he's married (yes, I know, denial not only is a river in egypt, and I think his wife is in that same boat). But as each day passes, and the more I'm falling in love, the less I am able to do this. I am wondering 2 things, and my first thought is, do I have right to ask this, is it my business or my place to ask? I am wondering: 1. Do you still love her? and 2. Are you still sleeping with her? I think it ~is~ my business to ask, seeing that he and I are falling in love and ~we~ are sleeping together. But I'm torn - I feel like it's not my place to ask. What do you think? I think the next time we have a chance to talk that I'm going to tell him that I think we should stop sleeping together until he is seperated. I think that's a step in the right direction? IMO...You most certainly DO have the right to ask these questions, just as your MM's W has the right to know of the A so that she can make informed decisions...Of course you need to know if he's still sleeping w/ her! I hate to say it b/c it's like a cliche, but if he cheated on his W, he may be cheating on you too, so I would ask him so that you can protect yourself and YOUR health! Also, I think that the fact that you want to tell him that you don't want to sleep together until you have proof, and you should ask for proof, that he's formally separated and has filed for D, makes you a better person! It shows that you have morals and convictions...Good luck!
Hurt & Alone Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 If you feel you need to know then ask, but as others have said prepare yourself for the truth. Sometimes people want the truth but then wished they did not know. My xmm said that he wasnt while we together but he slipped up one night and said just once, but who knows what the real truth is because unfortunatly we can not be flies and hang out on thier walls.
Author bluejeanbebe Posted August 16, 2007 Author Posted August 16, 2007 thanks so much for your thoughts. Being in this situation you feel so isolated and feel like you are the only one in the world going thru this..... can't tell anyone about the man you love..... can't even really admit that you're seeing someone, even if no one 'knows' you still feel society casting stones, etc. Coming here to LS, is comforting to finally ~finally~ find others in the same boat as you, for encouragment or to knock some sense into you...
Hoping For the Best Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 you Definately have the right to ask those questions. But I know from experience that just because you have the right doesn't make it EASY. I was afraid of his reaction. I didn't want him to think I didn't trust him. I didn't want him to get angry that I was prying. I didn't want to hear an answer I didn't like. And I didn't want an answer I would find out later to be untrue. But if he's the right kind of guy and if he knows better than to think the world revolves around him, he will understand your need to know. Otherwise its a big red flag and maybe you should think about easing yourself away.
Hoping For the Best Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 Je Ne.... You make a very good point. I'm going to have to spend some time thinking about that one...
frannie Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 He is currently working on leaving her and filing for divorce. 1. Do you still love her? and 2. Are you still sleeping with her? I think the next time we have a chance to talk that I'm going to tell him that I think we should stop sleeping together until he is seperated. I think that's a step in the right direction? I'm wondering how far he's got in his 'working' on leaving her and filing for divorce if you're thinking of asking him questions like this. I mean, why would he be even thinking about separation etc. if he were in love with her? I think you're wise to trust your gut here... as you are falling in love with him and feeling more uncomfortable about the situation, if you feel like drawing away then do so. Certainly do not continue to have sex with him if you feel something is odd, if he even MAY be in love with her, or if all that talk of separation is just so much bunkum. I think your idea of cutting out the sex, and letting him know you would be happier getting together once he's separated and on the way to divorce would not only reveal his true intentions, but protect your own heart and self-esteem. After all, he could easily lie about the love for his W and the sex with her.
bish Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 I think it ~is~ my business to ask, seeing that he and I are falling in love and ~we~ are sleeping together. But I'm torn - I feel like it's not my place to ask. What do you think? You are knowingly and willingly sleeping with someone elses husband. So no, it is not your place to ask.
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