Hurt & Alone Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 I like to think the home was broken long before the A, otherwise the majority of affairs would not have occured to begin with.
Author SanDiegoGuy Posted August 15, 2007 Author Posted August 15, 2007 I like to think the home was broken long before the A, otherwise the majority of affairs would not have occured to begin with. I use that as a way to lessen my guilt but sometimes....you know.....?
Hurt & Alone Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 I will take my blame for the A, but, I refuse to accept the M is broken because of the A. It has not helped lessen any of the guilt that I feel so i am not sure it will help in your case either.
Author SanDiegoGuy Posted August 15, 2007 Author Posted August 15, 2007 I will take my blame for the A, but, I refuse to accept the M is broken because of the A. It has not helped lessen any of the guilt that I feel so i am not sure it will help in your case either. Oh, I totally get that. Someone is completely happy, they don't look elsewhere. And I'd like to think that they would have had a conversation somewhere along the line about it. I agree with you. I just feel guilty in general, and NOW, I feel guilty that I want her MORE. How effed up is that? lol
GreenEyedLady Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 Not sure if you just called me a home wrecker (I've entertained the feelings over and again, believe me) or.....? Can you elaborate? You are labeling yourself, that is pretty clear, as to what you think others see you as... The ones who are the homewreckers are the ones in the home...no one outside the home can wreck a sturdy foundation...
Author SanDiegoGuy Posted August 15, 2007 Author Posted August 15, 2007 You are labeling yourself, that is pretty clear, as to what you think others see you as... The ones who are the homewreckers are the ones in the home...no one outside the home can wreck a sturdy foundation... It's probably guilt. And the inability to STOP. But you make a strong point. And - being new here - appreciate you guys taking the time to give me multiple perspective. GreenEyedLady.....Yes, of course that's how I believe others see me. Her husband, kids (yeas, I know....) mom, dad, friends. And While I really appreciate what you wrote, and it gives me pause for thought, most of the above mentioned have already made their decision re: husband / Dad and that.....that...........BASTARD...LOL Thank you for all your feedback. I appreciate your voice of sanity and common sense.
Hurt & Alone Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 Oh, I totally get that. Someone is completely happy, they don't look elsewhere. And I'd like to think that they would have had a conversation somewhere along the line about it. I agree with you. I just feel guilty in general, and NOW, I feel guilty that I want her MORE. How effed up is that? lol Hope it was not something I said or implied. But regarding a possible conversation, maybe maybe not. As far as feeling guilty for wanting her more now. I have never stopped wanting him but I dont feel guilty about wanting him because he is a wonderful person. If a person makes a you feel like no other in the world it hard not to want them a part of your life. But we can not always have what we want.
Author SanDiegoGuy Posted August 15, 2007 Author Posted August 15, 2007 If a person makes a you feel like no other in the world it hard not to want them a part of your life. But we can not always have what we want. touche......
movinon05 Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 SDG, I am really feeling for you right now. I see all the things going through your mind that went through mine. And you've just begun. I wish I could pull you through, but you're probably going to muddle through it like we had to do. There's no predicting outcomes, but most As don't end like "we" think we'd like them to. Mine lasted 7 yrs and it ended. To that, I say, I am glad. It was quite a lesson to learn about me and my life. And I'm now better to be out of it. But every situation is different. You cannot receive PMs (I don't think), for a few months or a number of posts. But you can PM other people. Just don't know that they can respond to you yet.
Hurt & Alone Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 I think if you pay for the service you sould be able to do them. I am not sure though because I waited a month and then paid for the subscription and have the PM ability now.
Author SanDiegoGuy Posted August 15, 2007 Author Posted August 15, 2007 SDG, I am really feeling for you right now. I see all the things going through your mind that went through mine. And you've just begun. I wish I could pull you through, but you're probably going to muddle through it like we had to do. There's no predicting outcomes, but most As don't end like "we" think we'd like them to. Mine lasted 7 yrs and it ended. To that, I say, I am glad. It was quite a lesson to learn about me and my life. And I'm now better to be out of it. But every situation is different. You cannot receive PMs (I don't think), for a few months or a number of posts. But you can PM other people. Just don't know that they can respond to you yet. seven years........I can't even imagine......this is the first time I've been involved with a MW (that the correct abbrev.?). Talk about a huge, fast learning curve.... What I AM thankful for....I stumbled accross this site via Google and have been SO impressed at the experiences and the willingness to share. I think that is so cool. (Can I still say "cool" at 48??? LOL) I'm appreciating all the feedback and life experiences....Okay, full circle.......7 years?........!
whichwayisup Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 Do a site search on the name Ratingsguy and click "all threads by ratingsguy". His situation is close to yours, you might gain some insight into reading his story and updates. If you really want to have a go at this - As hard as it is, you're going to have to let her go and do full on no contact. Use the no contact to better yourself, reconnect with YOU, friends and family...If her marriage ends, let it be because they couldn't fix their problems...If you stick around and talk to her, continue the affair while she's trying to fix things with her husband, you will always be the OM. There's no real insentive for her to change her life. As much as this is hard on you, imagine her H's pain. 21 years of marriage, kids, the house, families entwined..Friends, neighbours...They have a long history together and she isn't just going to throw that away for the unknown. And he isn't just going to give up and throw in the towel because you want his wife...He will fight for her. Also, people need time alone after a big break-up, so even if her marriage does end, there is no real guarantee that she'll end up with you. Just be prepared for anything...
movinon05 Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 "Cool" is cool and even "kewl". And I'm 47! Yes. 7 yrs. I have no energy to explain at this point. Feel free to go back and look at my previous threads to find it "my story". From my personal experience, this is not a great thing to be going through, but things happen and we don't know why at the time. I think I know now, but you couldn't have told me back then. I'm glad you're having a good experience tonight and I hope it stays that way, but do be prepared. Its not always that way on this forum.
Author SanDiegoGuy Posted August 15, 2007 Author Posted August 15, 2007 Do a site search on the name Ratingsguy and click "all threads by ratingsguy". His situation is close to yours, you might gain some insight into reading his story and updates. If you really want to have a go at this - As hard as it is, you're going to have to let her go and do full on no contact. Use the no contact to better yourself, reconnect with YOU, friends and family...If her marriage ends, let it be because they couldn't fix their problems...If you stick around and talk to her, continue the affair while she's trying to fix things with her husband, you will always be the OM. There's no real insentive for her to change her life. As much as this is hard on you, imagine her H's pain. 21 years of marriage, kids, the house, families entwined..Friends, neighbours...They have a long history together and she isn't just going to throw that away for the unknown. And he isn't just going to give up and throw in the towel because you want his wife...He will fight for her. Also, people need time alone after a big break-up, so even if her marriage does end, there is no real guarantee that she'll end up with you. Just be prepared for anything... I thank you for this post. SHE proposed a 90 day no contact rule....but who calls me? IMs me? Shows up at my door? Yeah. But I am actaully gaining some......balls....from what you are all telling me. Correct me or add to it......No contact.......let it be about her and him...move on....expect anything.......I had another friend tell me - even if you don't want to see other people....DO it..... I appreciate the validation and also the advice...even though we're all just online people - you all seem to speak from the heart, you know? And I really do like this comment: As hard as it is, you're going to have to let her go and do full on no contact. Use the no contact to better yourself, reconnect with YOU, friends and family... l I know you are right....just goes against instinct. But I get it. And I'm hearing it from all of you have taken the time to reply......................still sucks, but.....you are right.
whichwayisup Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 I thank you for this post. SHE proposed a 90 day no contact rule....but who calls me? IMs me? Shows up at my door? Yeah. But I am actaully gaining some......balls....from what you are all telling me. Correct me or add to it......No contact.......let it be about her and him...move on....expect anything.......I had another friend tell me - even if you don't want to see other people....DO it..... You're welcome. Don't go rushing off to date others, you're not ready for that. When she shows up at her door, tell her now is not a good time...Remind her that she is supposed to be working on her marriage and it is REALLY unfair and selfish of her to continually break NC with you because SHE may miss you. (Remember, she is the one right now with the power - So she thinks...) Why not TAKE control of this situation and MAKE sure there is NC. If she IM's you, don't answer. Infact, maybe take a break from that...or open a new account, add those who you talk to on that newer account so you won't have to deal with her anymore online. Block her emails, get call display and don't answer your phone. Her actions are not meeting her words - She's got TWO men now, why should she give one up? She will prolong this and keep you around unless you walk away and tell her to call you when it's officially over and the ink is dried on the divorce papers. I appreciate the validation and also the advice...even though we're all just online people - you all seem to speak from the heart, you know? And I really do like this comment: As hard as it is, you're going to have to let her go and do full on no contact. Use the no contact to better yourself, reconnect with YOU, friends and family... I do speak from the heart and at times can and have been quite harsh. And yes, definately do the NC for yourself. Learn to do things without her. Detach yourself from her, start living and doing various hobbies, have FUN with friends. I know you are right....just goes against instinct. But I get it. And I'm hearing it from all of you have taken the time to reply......................still sucks, but.....you are right. Listen to those who have been where you are. MOST say "if only I knew how painful this was, I never would have....." So, take that with you, read up on many threads, even go back afew months, or even a year and see how many people actually end up with their MM/MW after all that's said and done. Not too many.....
Cobra_X30 Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 Hey Diego, You have to post a certain # of times before you get PM ability. I'm not exactly sure where that starts. When you decide you want to end this and you cant PM me, Just call for me on your thread here. I will flag it! You're greatest struggle with this is going to be internal. So just remember its all in your head... oh and your heart.
TogetherForever Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 After reading some of the threads and the replies to others, I am beginning to get the picture. I suppose I need to find the strength (THAT'S the hard part!!!) to 'be careful what I ask for...' Maybe that's my real question. How do you walk away? SDG, On the flip side, I waited it out & it worked for me. I'm glad I didn't give up on our relationship. How long are you willing to wait? 3 months, maybe longer? TF
Author SanDiegoGuy Posted August 15, 2007 Author Posted August 15, 2007 SDG, On the flip side, I waited it out & it worked for me. I'm glad I didn't give up on our relationship. How long are you willing to wait? 3 months, maybe longer? TF She said ninty days which started 8/1. After reading what you folks have to say, I'm not overly optimistic. And as one person pointed out.....that 90 days ends 11/1, and the liklihood of her doing anything just as the holiday season starts.....slim to none.....
precious1357 Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 I would like to know if there are any OW/OM who have actually married the person and the relationship worked out?????
whichwayisup Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 On the flip side, I waited it out & it worked for me. I'm glad I didn't give up on our relationship. But he isn't divorced TF. I would like to know if there are any OW/OM who have actually married the person and the relationship worked out????? There's one person I can think of, and his situation was not the typical MM/OW affair. I think his name is happyatlast?
frannie Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 Do a site search on the name Ratingsguy and click "all threads by ratingsguy". His situation is close to yours, you might gain some insight into reading his story and updates. I was going to say exactly the same thing. Check search for ratingsguy, and also BKRPM, both OM. Ratingsguy's MW did leave but didn't want to pursue a relationship with him. BKRPM's MW last I heard was still M and does sound somewhat like your MW. But I have to say I haven't read many of your posts as I'm not on the site often these days.
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