oh dear

[messylady]

well i followed through on my promise to treat men the way they treat me, I got a guy here tonight out of sheer spite, loneliness .. whatever... you were all right, It feels worse now, part of me wants to contact mm and say nah nah nah nah I slept with someone else and part of me wants to die.. I had to ask him to go home and leave me alone, guess I am lucky I found someone who did as I asked, god, I am 48 yrs old and i am as messed up as a teenager.. how do I get through this pain? right now i want to phone him or his wife... why should I be the only one going through this pain... I dread waking up in the morning with another day of this ahead of me....in the past 2 days all I have ate is a bowl of muslie that I left long enough so I only had to swallow it or it would come straight back up, I have had a bottle of wine tonight and some cans of beer just to send me to sleep... I know I cant go on like this but it is like I am out of control:(

[lost4ever]

Sorry it's a crappy night, I get to see my MM tomorrow, and I am wondering if I should show up have sex with him then leave (not stay over) or maybe I should show up and tell him I'm not in the mood, treat him the way he treats me (but he always has time for sex, just falls asleep afterward...) I don't think calling would do any good, sucks, but will not do anything...

[messylady]

It all sucks lost, we can't win but we keep trying thinking or hoping this time will be diffrent, maybe we will say or do something that will make him think he cant live without us... I have been doing that for 4 years, I thought we had something special, but the more I read here the more I realise it is all just classic lies... please dont get like me sweetheart x

[GreenEyedLady]

I answered your other post...please seek treatment (for depression)...this is not the way it has to be...you do have a choice...make the choice to get better...

 

(((HUGS)))

[outofdarkness]

well i followed through on my promise to treat men the way they treat me, I got a guy here tonight out of sheer spite, loneliness .. whatever... you were all right, It feels worse now, part of me wants to contact mm and say nah nah nah nah I slept with someone else and part of me wants to die.. I had to ask him to go home and leave me alone, guess I am lucky I found someone who did as I asked, god, I am 48 yrs old and i am as messed up as a teenager.. how do I get through this pain? right now i want to phone him or his wife... why should I be the only one going through this pain... I dread waking up in the morning with another day of this ahead of me....in the past 2 days all I have ate is a bowl of muslie that I left long enough so I only had to swallow it or it would come straight back up, I have had a bottle of wine tonight and some cans of beer just to send me to sleep... I know I cant go on like this but it is like I am out of control:(

You really need some professional counseling IMHO! Every woman is worth much more then you are giving youself, which in my op, is really just self deprecation...I really feel for you and will pray for you tonight.. PM me if you have capabilities yet...I'd be happy to try to offer my support...ood

[Shades of Grey]

ML

 

I think that when someone gets let down so badly by someone they loved so much it is probably quite a natural reaction to want to turn to other people in order to feel needed, wanted and be comforted. And maybe in a way to treat them the way you feel you have been treated because your expectations are so lowered as a result of your experience.

 

Whereas when I was with MM I ignored any attention I got because I was so besotted with him I have become very aware of it recently and there is a huge part of me that does want to react to it. On the one hand I have absolutely no interest in any other relationship and back a million miles away from anyone suitable. On the other I crave affection and feel so broken and lonely I practically have to stop myself from hugging complete strangers in the street because I so desperately want to be held.

 

However I have learnt to try and take a step back and remind myself of the person I was before I met MM and that wasn't someone who slept around or took risks or was needy. So I refuse to let myself become those things now because of him.

 

Maybe you should try and look for the person you were.

 

Hugs to you xx

[messylady]

Thank you shades, you know I have been with him so long I no longer know what I used to be like, I vaugely remember being really sensible and nobodys fool, how ironic is that !!! you hit the nail on the head there when you said "broken and lonely" I don't want to jump into another relationship just for the sake of it, but I feel so desperatly alone, when the A was on going I was 100% besotted with him too, I have lost the chance to date several decent single men... now I don't know what I want, well I do but can't have him !! ... you know it is like a physical ache inside me, like my whole being is just longing for him... god am even taking my mobile into the bathroom with me just incase, then I feel angry if I do get a message cos it is never him and how dare anyone else call me !!! anyway I could not face going out today, couldn't be bothered to sort out my hair but I did get to see my neighbour for an hour or so.... a step in the right direction maybe:(

Hugs

x

[Shades of Grey]

I know honey,

 

You just have to wait for the pain to gradually subside and it will! Grieve. Wallow if you need to but try and take some time out every day to do something that will take your mind of it even just for an hour. It's blo**dy tiring being in hell all the time.

 

Lots of people here are thinking of you and care about you xx

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

ML, first thing first, here's a BIG HUG just for you.

 

The pain you are going through is awful. I wont lie to you about that. You feel broken, used, everything is a lie, you lie in bed alone wishing for sleep and hating the night, and then when the morning comes you wish it was night again so you can sleep and forget. You want to be with friends and family but as soon as you are, you want to be alone again. Its like living in a different universe. Its awful and I'm really sorry you're going through it.

 

Now here's the BUT

 

BUT!

 

Unfortunately, the only person who is going to get you out of this is you. MM is not going to knock your door down and demand to fix you because his love is so strong. You have to take responsibility for yourself now. YOU are the only person who can put a full-stop to this pain that you're feeling and you can start right now.

 

First thing is first. Let yourself be angry. Let yourself scream at him. Let all of that emotion come flooding out. Do it alone. Write him letters, pages and pages of letters and then fantasise about sending them. Listen to music that will make you feel better. Embrace the hate, the sorrow, the ache. Dont deny it, embrace it, accept its going to be with you for a while.

 

Second thing, keep busy doing ANYTHING. Go for walks. Throw yourself into work. Phone old friends. Create something. Anything. Just for those glorious moments (and at this early stage they will be moments) when you havent thought about him. Then the pain returns so you go and do something else.

 

Third - fantasise about looking great, seeing him in the street and him wishing he was with you. Get your hair done, your nails, exercise, treat yourself to mud masks and pedicures so you're looking after every inch of yourself. Eat healthily so your skin and hair shine. Drink lots of water. Lay off the alcohol. Imagine him seeing you, puffed up with alcohol, lank hair, weight on, an "I'm depressed!" cardigan on. Imagine how worse you'd feel.

 

Fourth - take BLAME. We got ourselves into this situation. There was always a chance he might not leave, might lie. Take the responsibility for your actions in this. Taking blame is definitely something to take you on your road to recovery and hopefully will lead to acceptance.

 

FIVE - Dont share yourself with anyone. Dont cheapen yourself. It wont harm your MM by sleeping around - it only harms YOU, your self esteem, your self worth.

 

Its a long journey ahead, but thats all it is - a journey, and eventually you'll be on a new path, looking good, feeling better, and life wont feel so bad. Take it from someone who really knows what you're going through.

[messylady]

JNRR... thank you ... you are right, I cant count the times he has left me waiting for a train home and i have prayed he would come back and beg me to stay with him ( he never waited with me ) in fact the last time I saw him he actually asked me where I wanted dropped off, I said just slow down the car and i will jump out at the train station grrrr ... so as much as it is going to hurt I am going to go NC from tonight, do I tell him though? what do I say? ... I am going to take some advice and go away for a few days I still have a little holiday left and I am going to go crazy sitting looking at my walls all day, as miserable as I am I have to admit I feel just the spark of a little pride here at taking control.. all I know is I am wasting my life now and I need to do something, and at the risk of being really soppy I love you guys that I wont ever meet, if I had not been here I seriously dont know if I would still be around, it is reading your replies to me that has kept me going this terrible terrible week.... thank you all so very much.... BUT do I tell him I am doing NC or do i just ignore him the way he does me?

Love u all so much

Hugs x

[Mino]

Great Post JNRR!!! everything you said is the truth, nobody can pull you out of the misery, but yourself. The funny thing is as soon AS you finally have the strenghth to move forward, you are feeling happier, looking better cause you have put extra energy into yourself, they show up again at your doorstep. I don't get it. MM are kinda like vanpires, they suck the life out of you:lmao:

[messylady]

Mino you actually made me smile... my god i thought that had left me, you are so right, they suck the life out of you, I have neglected friends and family... staying in just incase he phoned or came online.. no more . i gotta do this.. but do I tell him?... i hate the thought of just ignoring him the way he has done to me.. then if I tell him I am doing NC he will get all soppy etc... what do I do?

hugs

x

[vivi]

ML, I feel for you. Whether or not you tell him is up to you. If you think you are going to be sucked in again, maybe it's best not to. Can you go on Craigslist and find someone you can go for a walk or a run with every day? If not, can you get some tapes or CD's you can listen to when you walk? Or an audio book? Walking or running will help you, it's a physical fact...it gets you outside in the sun, which is good for depession, and your body produces "feel good" chemicals. Think about things for which you are grateful. Find a therapist who can prescribe some medication for you. Don't make any big decisions. Join a gym. Get a massage. Hang in there. You will pull through. we're pulling for you.

[Mino]

Mino you actually made me smile... my god i thought that had left me, you are so right, they suck the life out of you, I have neglected friends and family... staying in just incase he phoned or came online.. no more . i gotta do this.. but do I tell him?... i hate the thought of just ignoring him the way he has done to me.. then if I tell him I am doing NC he will get all soppy etc... what do I do?

hugs

x

 

 

Hi Messylady, I have been with mm over 3 years, we have had about 7 deadlines, and who knows how many nc (days) I have cried oceans, I have shrunk down 25 lbs, to a size 2-4. I have lost about 75,000 in income and almost lost my job, I have alinated alot of my friends, my family wonders what is wrong with me and don't know how to help. Its been pure hell!!!! I had to get on meds, before i lost my mind. I was not leaving my home for days at a time, I spent days in bed, not answering the phone, not eating, just crying and staring at the wall. I knew I had to get my life back. I am normally a super strong woman, who has gotten through anything life has thrown my way. I have moved to this country with nothing but a small child and 2 suitcases, as a single parent. And here I am also in my forties falling apart and losing all that i have worked hard for. I said no more, I will not let mm nor any other man pull me down, I have finally quit my meds, I have regained alot of my strength, cause I know I am worth it. If he cant see that it is his lose. I told him again we are in nc, we do work together, and that is extra hard. But I am planning a vacation ( To get the rest of him out of my heart) I am determined. Once I am in this mode, its do or die. This is how you need to think. There is no room for failure, It is YOUR LIFE. And we are all strong, we just have to take the first step...... the rest will follow. Funny since I have changed my attitude, mm is kinda freakin out, but hey, thats life, right?!! Good luck!!!!! and YES, do tell him , with lots of self cofindence, this will make you even stronger, take the power back!!! Demand the respect that you deserve, we have earned it, my God we are mature women, not teens!!!!

[Mino]

The table has turned!!!! He will be freaked out when you come across strong with conviction, not meek, Take back your strength, because it is yours, and only yours,

[messylady]

Mino your "history" sounds so much like mine, in all other walks of life I am strong, right now I am inline for a promotion at work, people come to me for advice etc, but if they could see me at home they would not know me!! this man has almost destroyed me and it IS stopping now, I have been seeing him for 4 years and he randomly shuts me out of his life and leaves me a wreck, then he comes back, never an explanation, but I have always been so grateful just to have him back, this week I have done the not eating thing, crying and staring into space praying to anyone listening for help.. and I found it here, I truly can't thank you all enough... today I am packing a case and I am going away for a few days, if I stay here I know what I am like and I will just keep tormenting myself with memories. Having said that I look terrible from lack of sleep this week and too much wine! , anyway I don't care, I only have myself to please now, crickey thats scary, I have sort of relied on him for so long, thank you all so very much, without you this week would have been unbearable, I will be back as soon as I come home... I still don't know how to word the NC email.. silly I know but I hate the thought of him being hurt.. oh someone give me a kick I cant believe I just said that !!!

love and hugs

x

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Go away ML. Dont tell him - he doesn't need to know, it will just prolong the agony for you i.e. he could ask you not to go, you reach out for the crumbs he's throwing you only to find you're back to square one.

 

Just go away. Take time to cry, heal and take in some new surroundings. You WILL find that strong woman that you know you are, you just need a little help and time to remember her, that's all.

 

Keep posting and we'll help you through it. As I've said to Mino and some others on the forum, even knowing there's an OW in the world somewhere thinking about you, knowing what you're going through, is a help to your recovery.

 

Take care and big hugs ((())))