Cobra_X30 Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 I think there is a bit of a control issue that comes into play when a woman contemplates a guy that seems a bit too perfect. Most of it is that nagging codependency that so many of us (including myself) have been raised to exhibit. We gravitate towards those with faults, often with the idea that somehow we're going to get a "bargain," that "diamond in the rough" that no one else saw the worth of, but that we can shine up. I call it a "second hand store mentality." Sadly, I've learned that most things in a second hand store are there for a reason, namely, they are broken. The other attraction is that those with flaws will somehow be more grateful to us for our attention. Somehow, guys that don't exhibit their flaws seem a lot more daunting and I've often found myself thinking that it will take a lot of work to make them appreciate me. It's a lazy way to embark on relationships. I think it takes a lot of maturity and self esteem to take that step towards dating someone that has only positive traits showing. That is truely insightful! I find that in myself I often gravitate towards need. I feel many girls do a similar thing. I am absolutely certain that it has to do with the appreciation! Not that it would be more work to gain this from someone who isn't that needy, but that there is a deep down desire to be a hero... to save... to put humpty dumpty back together. Anyway Jcester, this is the most insightful thing I've read all day! And Im counting my own posts too!
Trialbyfire Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 There are many types of courtesy TBF. Some are common some are not. LOL... I assume that you require the Uncommon Courtesy. Does that suprise me? Hardly! I'm almost afraid to ask what that means but not quite. Go for it, explain yourself Cobra. Do they even exist? If so I wish I could find one! The guy I've been dating a couple of times is like this. Very consistent, courteous and civilized but not too civilized.
Author DanielMadr Posted August 15, 2007 Author Posted August 15, 2007 Not that it would be more work to gain this from someone who isn't that needy, but that there is a deep down desire to be a Captain Save a Ho probably? There is the thing called Bad Relationship Pattern. Yhou have to give yourself a slap every time you want help someone out of a gutter. I mean you can help them but not with romantical purposes. Strict asexual filantropy.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 TBF, Whats up with the new pic? I watched '300' a few days back and I want my 6 pack abs back! Your new pic is going to make me skip some lunches!
Author DanielMadr Posted August 15, 2007 Author Posted August 15, 2007 The guy I've been dating a couple of times is like this. Very consistent, courteous and civilized but not too civilized. I hope you repay him with the same coin;) No, 'Im too "busy"' to see how would you react or 'we'll have sex in a year' because they wrote it in Cosmopolitan
Cobra_X30 Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 Captain Save a Ho probably? There is the thing called Bad Relationship Pattern. Yhou have to give yourself a slap every time you want help someone out of a gutter. I mean you can help them but not with romantical purposes. Strict asexual filantropy. LOL... Save a Ho! . Naw I'm such an aggressive guy, I've found I always leave them in a worse spot than when I found'em. Usually if she says or does something I dont like... I push the eject button.
Trialbyfire Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 TBF, Whats up with the new pic? I watched '300' a few days back and I want my 6 pack abs back! Your new pic is going to make me skip some lunches! Another thread reminded me of abs so I had to have an avie for my own viewing pleasure. I hope you repay him with the same coin;) No, 'Im too "busy"' to see how would you react or 'we'll have sex in a year' because they wrote it in Cosmopolitan He's a great guy so I do respect him. And I'm not going to complain about the dozen red roses that just arrived 10 minutes ago...
jcster Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 Save a Ho indeed! I used to call my own dating pattern "Jen's home for wayward boys." ( The "Home" is now officially closed, by the way.) Usually if she says or does something I dont like... I push the eject button. Me too. I think that's why I got into so many relationships with those "diamonds in the rough." If they happened to shine up all pretty, I'd keep them (my ex husband was that way), or if they turn out to be quartz - I can just drop them back in the dirt where I found them. All in all - I think I use it as a way to avoid committment. I've found that, now that I'm single and don't really want a relationship, I only contemplate sleeping with the messed up guys. I don't want to hook up with anyone that I'd be tempted to keep.
Author DanielMadr Posted August 15, 2007 Author Posted August 15, 2007 Another thread reminded me of abs so I had to have an avie for my own viewing pleasure. He's a great guy so I do respect him. And I'm not going to complain about the dozen red roses that just arrived 10 minutes ago... Oh then you are the rare kind....the one who doesnt think a guy is "buying" you. I hope I find a girl who I can send a dozen roses and still remain non-loser. Meanwhile I'll stick to my "no gifts and flowers until it is clear she likes me" policy.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 All in all - I think I use it as a way to avoid committment. I've found that, now that I'm single and don't really want a relationship, I only contemplate sleeping with the messed up guys. I don't want to hook up with anyone that I'd be tempted to keep. Why do I feel like you just punched me between the eyes? Are you talking about me or you?
Author DanielMadr Posted August 15, 2007 Author Posted August 15, 2007 Save a Ho indeed! I used to call my own dating pattern "Jen's home for wayward boys." ( The "Home" is now officially closed, by the way.) Me too. I think that's why I got into so many relationships with those "diamonds in the rough." If they happened to shine up all pretty, I'd keep them (my ex husband was that way), or if they turn out to be quartz - I can just drop them back in the dirt where I found them. All in all - I think I use it as a way to avoid committment. I've found that, now that I'm single and don't really want a relationship, I only contemplate sleeping with the messed up guys. I don't want to hook up with anyone that I'd be tempted to keep. What happend with the ex? btw read this: http://ezinearticles.com/?Confessions-Of-Every-Mans-Dream-Woman&id=540599
Trialbyfire Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 Oh then you are the rare kind....the one who doesnt think a guy is "buying" you. I hope I find a girl who I can send a dozen roses and still remain non-loser. Meanwhile I'll stick to my "no gifts and flowers until it is clear she likes me" policy. Don't worry. We're both financially secure enough that neither needs to buy the other...
jcster Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 btw read this: http://ezinearticles.com/?Confession...oman&id=540599 Interesting article. I too am in the process of working on my life, and I'm finally enjoying my own company. I had a terrible father, so that figures into it too. What happend with the ex? I left him after 10 years of marriage. I had a crappy childhood and was very co-dependent when we got married. I spent the 10 years we were together working on myself and after a while I realized that we really didn't have the same goals or values. Once I gained my self-respect, I realized that I'd been so happy to be part of the team that I never really asked myself if I truly wanted to belong. Of course, I realized all of this after the fact. Truth be told, at the time, I just freaked out and bolted. We're still friends - maybe more like family than friends but I don't wish him any ill. He's got a new fiance and he's already gotten her pregnant, so I guess he got what he wanted. I'm just happy to not be trapped by the white picket fence anymore.
directx Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 I hate hearing the 'Too good to be true.' from people. I've heard from two people recently and it sucks! (that's right! TWO, my little sweet rice!) Anyway, I wonder if these girls that think a guy is too good to be true (or vice versa) are really just surround by 'normal enough to be trues?
jcster Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 Why do I feel like you just punched me between the eyes? Are you talking about me or you? Wanna go out sometime?
Author DanielMadr Posted August 15, 2007 Author Posted August 15, 2007 Interesting article. I too am in the process of working on my life, and I'm finally enjoying my own company. I had a terrible father, so that figures into it too. I left him after 10 years of marriage. I had a crappy childhood and was very co-dependent when we got married. I spent the 10 years we were together working on myself and after a while I realized that we really didn't have the same goals or values. Once I gained my self-respect, I realized that I'd been so happy to be part of the team that I never really asked myself if I truly wanted to belong. Of course, I realized all of this after the fact. Truth be told, at the time, I just freaked out and bolted. We're still friends - maybe more like family than friends but I don't wish him any ill. He's got a new fiance and he's already gotten her pregnant, so I guess he got what he wanted. I'm just happy to not be trapped by the white picket fence anymore. Sorry to hear that. Another reason why to stay away from qartz....for the children's sake. Christine Akiteng's articles are pretty good. Mainly for women but I like to read them. Im not the "Oh there comes a guru" person but still she is good. Maybe it is time to stop punishing yourself;) You know some people are just too hard on themselves. Especially those with smart head like you have. Can I ask you what do you do for living?
Author DanielMadr Posted August 16, 2007 Author Posted August 16, 2007 Wanna go out sometime? I hope you two will invite me for a wedding. ....you two commitment phobic will need someone strong to hold you in place not to run away:D
OceanBlue Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Hi boys and girls, I have this puzzle to solve. Sometimes even interested girls behave not quite in accord with their interest. I think it is called "Too good to be true" phenomea. ...You meet a guy, you like him a lot but you continually refuse to give it a try. Eventhough you really like him you turn down date offers. He is persistant because he sees you sparkling with interest. But you just cant, you postpone dates and finaly lose him. It is not very often. Most of the time it is disinterest or game playing but I have reasons to believe this Too good to be true thing really exists. Eventhought simple "NEXT" after few attempts solves this, one has to ask himself if there is not another way. Is there any way how to go around this? How to conquer the wall? The wall is there for self preservation. I have a wonderful big wall. I find that I will turn down a guy based more on an evaluation of the liklihood that this person will hurt me, than whether I think he is 'too good to be true'. I am also shy, which frequently comes across as being a b!tch. Often that will keep many away. Sometimes there are more perceptive people who see through this facade and approach the wall. Now, the wall is not totally insurmountable...and mine has been breached on occasion. Generally it does take some persistence in order to get in there. I guess my suggestion would be to ask why she won't go out with you. Suggest non-threatening situations where she can have some control - control over the location, time and length of any meeting. She's probably been hurt and every time you get hurt, you fortify the wall and build it a little stronger and higher. And you have to decide if you want to put in the time...if you think she is really worth getting to know better.
jcster Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Another reason why to stay away from qartz....for the children's sake. I don't have kids, luckily, so that's not an issue. I agree though. My mom didn't even bother with quartz, she went strait for dirt. Maybe it is time to stop punishing yourself;) You know some people are just too hard on themselves. Especially those with smart head like you have. Ha! Well, sometimes being smart is a curse, rather than a blessing. I agree though, I'm working very hard at not being so hard on myself - I'll settle for realistic at this point. Can I ask you what do you do for living? Administrative assistant at a non-profit. It pays the bills. I'll be going back to school soon - I've had a severely interrupted education.
jcster Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 I hope you two will invite me for a wedding. I think he ran away already.
monkey00 Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Daniel, I agree with your 'too good to be true' thing. Often this is a common case with shy girls. But I think both sexes are guilty of this...it's more of a defense mechanism to prevent us from getting hurt or rejected down the line. It's natural for people to seek our stability and security so think for some it's just easier to settle for someone who isnt 'too good to be true', but rather is just good. But yes, i think we've all done this before - reject the other person before they get a chance to reject us. With shy girls, i think it takes a little more consistency on our part to show them that we're serious about them. In this instance I find good looking people probably have a harder time with the 'too good to be true' label, they might be labeled a slut or player before they even open their mouths. Or they're either used as a fling because the other person doesnt believe they have long-term potential because of the mindset that good looking people have more options or get hit on a lot (higher chances of cheating)...and hence to avoid being rejected down the line, they avoid investing time with the good looking person. And hence the good looking person will wind up with the average or ugly joe who just so happened to be standing by when it all came crumbling down...
Cobra_X30 Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 I hate hearing the 'Too good to be true.' from people. I've heard from two people recently and it sucks! (that's right! TWO, my little sweet rice!) Anyway, I wonder if these girls that think a guy is too good to be true (or vice versa) are really just surround by 'normal enough to be trues? DirectX, Your a smart guy! Don't take no for an answer... push and persue. Not like creepy stalker stlye. In my experience it doesnt take a whole lot to go from "too good to be true" to "wow very true". You have to let the girl know how interested you are. Nothing better than a girl that feels lucky to have you!
Cobra_X30 Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Wanna go out sometime? Very tempting... but I try not to date girls with the exact same mental issues as me! LOL... I think your a few years ahead of me in terms of getting a grip on them.
jcster Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Very tempting... but I try not to date girls with the exact same mental issues as me! See! You're learning already! LOL... I think your a few years ahead of me in terms of getting a grip on them. Maybe - but recognizing the problem isn't the same as fixing it. Still a work in progress, I'm afraid.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 See! You're learning already! Maybe - but recognizing the problem isn't the same as fixing it. Still a work in progress, I'm afraid. I wouldnt consider myself a good student so much as your a good teacher . Are you sure it needs to be fixed??
Recommended Posts