cuthbert Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 I wrote up a very, very long piece, but realized that it was too long. I took that post and put it onilne at http://www.slabtown.net/ls.html The full post is more telling. But let me try a streamlined version. DANG it's still long. I'm so sorry. I am not sure what else I could cut out of it. I knew this girl for about 15 years now. We used to be great friends, talking on the phone for hours literally every day. But she started going down a path of drugs and other lifestyle choices that I couldn't accept, and I couldn't see her go downhill, so I "left" the relationship. A couple months ago, she got in contact with me out of the blue. We started talking and once again we were talking for 4-5 hours a day. I found out she is married with 3 kids. But not happily married. She mentioned how they are always arguing and fighting (no violence involved) and the kids getting yelled at by him as well for stupid stuff. The point is she wasn't happy. We ended up getting intimate, but she felt guilty and that part ended. But, other things changed, too. Just her personality. I've talked to her to try to get her to leave her husband (not leave him for me, leave him for her and the kids) but she won't, even thogh in the past, before we were intimate, she talked about it. Now, she says that she would rather she be unhappy and alone than have her family torn apart. I understand the sentiment, but I feel that she is doing more damage to them by staying together right now (they are 7, 3 an 1). She needs to act now, in my opinion. And I'm not the only one. multiple people have offered to help her get out of it. The longer version has a lot more detail on why she should leave him. Anyway, I tried to not talk to her for a while, but it isn't working. I see her name online and my heart staats beating like crazy and I tremble like a 14 year old getting to 2nd base the first time. I am working like crazy, to try to distract myself (13 hour sayd 6 days a week) and tha tisn't working. I take sleeping pills to try to make the days go by and that isn't working. I am at the point where I take 5 excedrin PM and 2 hours later I take 5 more. And I still just sit here and think of her, not sleeping. (And please, no comments on the pills. That isn't something I want to deal with.) Just by seeing her name. And if I have the internet off, I ultimately try to find her. I can't take not talking to her. But I told her that I needed time away, to try to figure out what I want to do, and she can think of her situation. I set the date as Sept. 1st, but it's so hard not to talk to her. So, my question is, how do you NOT talk to someone? I read that people have no contact with someone for a few weeks or months, an I just don't understand how you can do it. What do you do instead, that will keep you from contacting them? And how can I cope with the not-leaving-her-marriage thing (and again, I don't mean to leave the marriage to be with me. Just leave the marriage)? I know the "right" answer is that it is her choice and if she doesn't want to change, I can't do anything about it, but that just feels wrong. It hurts too much to see her throwing it all away. I am pretty sure that the final solution is going to be that on Sept. 1st, I will say I can't deal with it and will once again leave her life. And that will destroy me. Anyway, sorry that this "short version" got so long also. Thanks for any comments someone can offer, especially if you can offer something that really does help you cope with the things I mentioned. -- If I could sleep forever, It's of her I'd dream. If I could sleep forever, I would forget about everything.
broknhearted Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 It sounds like you really care about her. When she's ready she will leave. You could give her an ultimatum but thats not fair either. I'm sorry your going through this <<HUGS>>. I understand her not wanting to break up her family. an affair is not the answer though. if her hubby finds out... she'll probably lose her kids and i'm sure you don't want that to happen. You can't let someone else destroy you. Find someone who is single and can devote all their time to you without the drama or just keep yourself busy with your friends, family or work. In life, sometimes what you want isn't what you get. I've been where she is. It's a hard choice to make even if you've fallen in love with that other person. If you really want to help her and don't want to break contact, just stay friends, take sex out of the equation, it just complicates matters. sounds like she could use a friend now more than a lover. i have a problem with the NC thing too, lol. its hard, i haven't mastered it yet, still trying though... MM still worms his way back into my heart. dang it!!
Author cuthbert Posted August 16, 2007 Author Posted August 16, 2007 (GEEZ! It got long again. I never intend to be so long-winded) My world is already destroyed. I really am out of options, I feel. I really am at the verge of needing help big time. I am down to 1 hour of sleep a day, even when using assistance, and it is wearing on me. I have thrown myself into work so much that it is not helping either. I collapsed last night at work, but luckily I was in the bathroom and no one else saw it. "Luckily" I have a day scheduled off in 5 days (though then it's only 1 day! So only five more 13-16 hour shifts until maybe I can work on the problem! The only problem about throwing myself into my job is that I'm too good at it. I get everything done efficiently and easily. So, I have a lot of free time to.... not work. I don't say all that looking for people to tell me to go to a doctor, go to counseling or anything. Just meant to illustrate how destroyed I am. Mentally and physically now. Not that my story is any different than every one of you out there. Got a message from her yesterday when I wrote saying I was going to call her and she said she couldn't have talked because "*husbands name* was home and there are just a lot more things than you know of around here." The "more things going on" had me worried, so I got ahold of her ASAP. She refused to talk to me about it. And every time I asked a question, she said I was obsessing over it. She knows I am trying to only be a friend, or at least she knows I say I am (she doesn't believe me).... eventually she said her and her husband were going into counseling, which I absolutely support and am so glad for her about. Really, I can live without her, romantically, if she is happy. In all honesty, I just want her happy. But anyway, I tried to get more information on what was happening, and she said every question was me obsessing. Please tell me if these are obsessive questions or questions that a friend would ask a friend who just said they were going to marriage counseling: So, whats happening? What caused that to happen? Whose idea was it? When you starting and how often? Can I go? (OK, kidding about that one). All of those questions, sans the last one, she her only reply was "obsessive." When I asked her why the secretive nature, she said she doesn't want to talk about it. I said she needed friends to talk to, she needed someone and she said "I have my mother".... now, nothing wrong with that, but having ONLY one person, and them being a person who is so vested in the situation?? I don't know if it's because of our past or not, but it just... well, destroys me. As for other options suggested? I have none. I have no family, no friends (I moved into a new place almost 2 years ago now and the girl in question is the only person to have visited me that didn't have a pizza with him) and I am quite unattractive. Yeah, yeah.... the second two are things that can be controlled, but it isn't that easy. And then, there is the ultimate question that I just don't know the answer to yet. Am I trying to stay in her life as a friend just so I can be there when the marriage fails? So that I can continue to be on her mind in some capacity? I would love to say no, but I just don't know. I want to be her friend so bad, that if she won't let even that happen, I am not sure what I'll do. I'm alreaedy so low on options, everything is on the table. I'm not going to make it.
Author cuthbert Posted August 17, 2007 Author Posted August 17, 2007 I can't do it. Forget it. Too hard. Thanks for trying, folks. Goodbye.
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