What is going on

[flyingdance]

It feels like a long time ago, but it isn't. I met a guy at work half an year ago. We had good conversations and enjoy each other's company, I could feel that he liked me but I know he was/is married so I didn't even think about anything further. Then one day we went to a business dinner, and got together that night. He told me that he was in love with me and wanted to know my thoughts. I told him that he is married and I don't want to be involved. He said he is not happy at home and he would talk to his wife about it. I didn't think he was serious so I didn't respond to him. A week later, his wife stalked me in a parking lot when I was on my way home shopping. She said she wanted to talk to me, I wasn't very comfortable since I didn't know who she was, then she started yelling and swearing, she said her husband is divorcing her because of me, and that I have to change job in two weeks or she will destroy both of us. I was in total shock and didn't know what to say. Luckily it was in the public so she didn't stay for very long. Then he called, and I told him what happened, he was in shock too, and he said they already talked about it and his wife accepted the fact that it is over between them and he was very surprised that she would do something like that. The next day he apologized to me about all the drama the night before and he will take her to counseling to calm her down. Next thing is that she moved out.

As naive as I was, I thought it was ok for me start dating this guy although he was still married on paper. Anyway, we fell in love so quickly and things were fine. He accasionally mentioned how he was making progress on filing the divorce. So I didn't pay much attention, and then 2 months later I asked him how it went, he didn't seem to be comfortable talking about it. I felt something was wrong, so I started pushing him and asked hard questions. And he said it is not helping that I push him right now, and he wanted to wait little bit so his wife will be less emotional about this and he wanted to do it on his own time frame. I didn't see him for a couple of days and then we talked. He said he was overwhelmed by guilty feeling and didn't understand why he couldn't do the final cut. So he needed a break from me to clear his head and spend time with his wife to figure out if he should end it or fix it(the marriage). We stopped talking to each other for two weeks, then he started talking to me over email and IM again. He said he is very confused that he is not over the attachment with her and guilty feeling of hurting her and sometimes he really wants to fix the marriage, but he also loves me, so he is trying to decide which direction to go. This lasted for another month.

 

A couple of weeks ago, I started to feel that he is pulling away, so I confronted him again. He told me that he has been stuck in between this two relationships, then he realized that he had to deal with the old relationship before the new relationship has a chance. So he has to give his wife a second chance, and he has to let go of me to give her a real chance, because his mind will be filled with me if we don't stop communicating with each other. And if the marriage isn't going to work, then he will end it and he hopes that I could still talk to me at the time. I asked him how long time he will need. He said he thought he would know whether the M can be fixed or not in two months. So I agreed this two months limit.

 

So here I am......

 

Apparantly after all this drama, I still love him and want to be with him so much or I won't be here. I don't feel this relationship is finished. Or maybe I just cannot accept the fact that it is finished. I am so confused and don't undersand why and how this happened......

 

Is this really over? Can he really find out within 2 months?

Anyone has similar experience? Please help me understand this. Any input is appreciated. Thanks.

[Meranna]

Well, I'm by far not a professional or anything so take this as you want.

 

Personally, I would appreciate the fact that this man isn't going to string you along while he tries to figure out how he wants his marriage to go.......he obviously loves you and respects you enough as a person to let you go (for now possibly) until he gets his head figured out. Maybe he doesn't think it's fair to ask you to wait around or he sees what this is doing to you and wants to save you from more stress and heartache? Be thankful for that much I suppose.

 

If you truly do love him you would want him to be happy also, even if that means he is staying with his wife. You wouldn't want him to leave to be with you and then have him realize he is unhappy I'm sure. I wouldn't want to be with someone who wasn't happy with me at least.

 

I know it's hard and easier to say than do, but find something to focus your energy on........take a class or volunteer somewhere. Get your mind off him and concentrate on yourself and turn all those unhappy and sad feelings into something positive. All that negative energy is bad on your heart and your soul.........do something good for yourself, treat yourself to something special, make YOU your number one priority. Do something for yourself that you would do for a friend in a similar situation. Keep moving forward and LOVE YOURSELF FIRST.

 

 

/hugs and best wishes

[outofdarkness]

:(different names and places..It's played out over and over and over on LS..Always the same excuses...I feel sorry for ALL of us..BS AND OW

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. Is this really over?

 

2. Can he really find out within 2 months?

 

1. Nah, not really. He will be gone just long enough for the dust to settle, then he'll be calling or whatever to fish a little bit to see if you are still around. He'll continue to have an affair with you for as long as you let him get away with it, and as long as he can keep it hidden from his wife. It won't really be over until you walk away from it.

 

2. Two months is just long enough for him to convince his wife that he wants to stay with her, and just long enough for him to miss you enough to contact you again to resume the affair.

 

If you want real results, and want to see him make a real choice - then give him one to make. Tell him that you love him, and want to be with him but that you cannot waste your life on a man who 'doesn't know what he wants', and that unless he shows you signed and notarized divorce papers, and a lease on his new place - then he is not to contact you in any way, shape or form. Period. End of discussion. If he tries to fish, remind him of your terms, and hang up the phone. This fence sitter has to be knocked off the fence, and nothing short of this will make him choose one way or the other.

 

If he truly wants to be with you, he will end his marriage and come to you. If he doesn't then he will let you walk away. Either way you win. If he lets you walk, then you get to heal and move on with your life. If he comes for you, then you've got your man (though I would strongly suggest that you consider the possibility that when you replace his wife, he will be looking for an OW replacement before too long).

[Mino]

something is wrong with this picture. You met him 6 months aqo, had a one nighter, and he goes home and tells his wife he wants a divorce???? Am I understanding this correctly? and she comes after you? What am i missing?

[Mino]

He is in love after ine night? Are you making this up????? I thought so:rolleyes:

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Listen to LB, she knows the score...

 

To declare love so quickly worries me too about this situation. Is it possible that H wanted an exit affair to exit the R and then, once he saw how his W behaved, how much she loved him, wanted to keep him, was willing to fight for him, that he decided to work on the R?

 

He sounds very confused. The fact he would be willing to up and leave after such a short time is an example of his confusion. Let him work on his M. If you want to wait for him, wait. Give YOURSELF a deadline for this - not him - as you're the only one who will truly be able to stick to a deadline.

 

Is his W willing to work on the M? Does she have all of the detailes about your R?

 

Is it really over? It might be. At this point in time he has chosen his M over your R and therefore your R becomes null and void. However, he may come back to you and try to maintain the A whilst in his M. This is where the danger ground is, where you willingly agree with him to, piece by piece, to destroy your own self esteem.

[flyingdance]

Thanks for all your replies.

 

I am sorry it is not easy for me to explain all the details here, and it is hard to believe what has happened, I still cannot believe it although I am the one who is going through this, but I didn't make any of this up.

 

Yes, I wouldn't be involved with him at the first place, if he wasn't so determined to leave his wife at the beginning. And the part I appreciate the most is that he never really lied to either one of us. Although it's kind of hard for me to accept the fact how fast he changes his mind...... as you all can see here.

 

He told me later that he has been secretly interested in me for a long time, but never got a chance to really talk to me until we start working together half an year ago. He didn't say he loved me until after we dated. He started dating me after he broke up with his wife and she moved out. She knows about our relationship, but she still wanted to get back with him. The last time I talked to him(a couple of weeks ago), they were still living in different places. She was pushing him to move back in together, but he wasn't ready, and he was confused because he couldn't finalize the divorce, but he didn't want to get back together with her either at the time. He was trying to spend time with her to figure out what to do with the marriage and see if there is a chance for saving it, and he agreed to stop talking to me.

 

I think it is possible that after he saw his wife's reaction and start to change his mind, because he told me that he was in shock by her reaction and he was overwhelmed by the guilty feeling of hurting her.

 

From what I understand, the main reason he is staying right now and try to fix the M is because of his guilty feeling. He said he feels nothing romantic about her but they are still friends. And the Wife was blaming on me as the reason he is not attracted to her any more. So he agreed to stop talking to me and see how he truly feel about his wife.

 

Can a relationship work out of guilty feeling? Was I really the reason that he lost romantic feeling about her? I really doubt so. I suppose that he should have lost interest in her first before having interest in me. Am I too naive?

 

He told me that once he knows clearly which direction to go, whether it is to stay with the wife and fix the marriage, or it is to end it, he will let me know. I still cannot help the urge to check with him if he is making any progress....... While at the same time, I am afraid to hear the answer I don't want to hear......

[flyingdance]

Feeling really bad today. Everything just happened too fast for me to handle. Still don't understand how and why all this happened. Why he broke up with his W and pushed so hard to be with me at the beginning and then decided to work on his M after two months. ( I did push him to finalize the divorce, which probably pushed him away, but maybe that's a good mistake? )

 

I am torn when the couple of close friends who I shared with tell me that there is no hope since he already decided to give M another chance, which is just an indirect way of him saying that he wanted to go back to his M and it's the end of story. Is it true?

 

If I do want to wait, how long of deadline should I give it to myself? Any thoughts?

 

Thanks.

[GreenEyedLady]

Feeling really bad today. Everything just happened too fast for me to handle. Still don't understand how and why all this happened. Why he broke up with his W and pushed so hard to be with me at the beginning and then decided to work on his M after two months. ( I did push him to finalize the divorce, which probably pushed him away, but maybe that's a good mistake? )

 

I am torn when the couple of close friends who I shared with tell me that there is no hope since he already decided to give M another chance, which is just an indirect way of him saying that he wanted to go back to his M and it's the end of story. Is it true?

 

If I do want to wait, how long of deadline should I give it to myself? Any thoughts?

 

Thanks.

 

Treat it as a break-up...consider it over since he said that he wants to work on the M...Do what you need to do and move on...Don't second guess yourself, you did what you thought you needed to to get your needs met...

 

(((HUGS)))

[frannie]

I would just back out and leave him to sort things out with her. Yes, it feels bad at the moment, but there's really nothing else you can do. Try to think of it this way: he has reacted because she is trying really hard to make things work since she realised he was serious about divorce. No, a marriage cannot work simply on 'guilty' feelings. But no, I don't think he can necessarily know within two months whether it's worth him/them making a go of it.

 

You're in a fairly good position right now, since your MM hasn't really lied to anyone, and he was pretty much out of the door when you got involved. Take time out, think about yourself and your goals, just take your mind right off the relationship to give him/them time to see how it pans out. Don't keep checking in... the more you can be out of the situation, the quicker it will resolve.

 

However, I'd say yes, look closely at this sudden declaration of 'I love you and I'm getting a D'... he was pretty wrong to involve you to the extent of telling his W you were somehow the cause of his wanting a divorce... seems odd, and fishy. His flip-flopping is something to keep away from. You know... how well do you even know him, and yet he's making you the reason for his D..? Of course he could just have blundered into that discussion with her, said he was having 'feelings' and knew that things were over between them and she beat your name out of him.

 

So basically... just give them time and stay out of it. The more you're in the picture the more she'll hold on, and the more he'll feel secure that he can take his time because you're waiting around.

[flyingdance]

Am I doing the right thing?

 

I've been stick to the NC rule. Yet we work at the same place. So it's hard not to run into each other from time to time. I've been keeping pretty distant when he talked to me.

 

He hasn't been working for a few days because of his old injury. Yesterday I saw him, looking so sick and weak, all we did was just saying "hi" and passed by. I really felt I should at least say something like "how is your injury?" But I didn't. Am I too cold-blooded? I really want him to be well and healthy. And it hurts when I cannot show my concerns and that I really care about him, but I have to stick to the NC rule......

[EnigmaXOXO]

Am I too cold-blooded?

 

No. You’re actually a bit too vulnerable and naive for your own good right now. Don’t let all those girly feelings and nurturer tendencies muck up your head. This is a grown man, not a child who needs to be nursed.

 

FD, what this man needs to navigate his mid-life is a qualified councilor, not another co-dependant female to drag though the muddled mess of his life with him. What he’s looking for is a safety-net relationship (exit affair) to temporary anesthetize his pained ego as he tries to dig deep and reevaluate his self worth, who he is, and where exactly his life is going. While you may help to flatter and restore his confidence for a little while, the minute he’s found the courage to either free himself or find some greater meaning in continuing on with the life he’s already built, he’ll no longer need you. And believe me, that’ll hurt worse than facing the reality of the situation now.

 

You are worthy of every bit of love and attention men will lavish upon you. As a matter of fact, what you have to offer someone is TOO VALUABLE to just hand off to the first sad sack charity case that hobbles along. Pity aside, if a man is not ready to give up whatever it takes to be with you, than he hardly appreciates all that you have to offer in the way you deserve. And sadly, he just doesn’t “love” you enough.

 

And I agree, that his professions of “Love” came far too soon, and that’s a HUGE red flag. I’m not saying that he necessarily lied to you ... but what I am saying is that his emotions are obviously all confused right now, and his definition of “love” and what he thinks it should feel like, is tripping all over his lust and those “feel good about myself” feelings he gets from you. Real love reciprocates, and just isn’t selfish like that.

 

And it hurts when I cannot show my concerns and that I really care about him, but I have to stick to the NC rule.....

 

You’re darn right it hurts. But consider it “growing pains” and know that you are one step closer to being the wise, confident and truly great woman that you are. And as many of us former relationship numpties will tell ya ... the lesson and courage you eventually gain from it will all be worth it in the end.

[stillafool]

I really hate how after these MM get all the sex they want from OW then it's the old "I owe it to my marriage to work it out". Why don't they ever think that way before they have extramarital sex?

 

Anyway, how old is this guy? how old are you? Are there children involved?

 

If no children are involved and he's so in love with you then why would he try to make a marriage work with a woman he doesn't love anymore? It makes sense to me that if he is in love with you (and has been secretly for a long time), his wife found out about it and moved out then he should be on his way to the life he dreamed about.

 

Something is screwy about this story.

[flyingdance]

He is in his early 40's and I am in my early 30's. He has a kid from the first marriage, and this wife(second marriage) helped him raised the kid for the past few years. I am not sure if that counts......

 

You are right, it's screwy, and that's why I am sooooo confused. I don't know what to believe any more. He seemed to be so sure when he broke up with the wife and had her move out. But later he was in shock and scared by the wife's reaction, which scared me too. And he said the guilty feeling was killing him. But if he really stays out of guilty, it's not fair to her either, right?

 

Well, I havn't talked to him for a while. I heard his injury is getting worse, and he hasn't been to work much lately. I am really worried about him and very tempted to drop him a note just to check how he is doing. Should I do it? What do you guys think? (I know this is probably a stupid questions since the answer is obvious, but I need someone to knock on my head and remind me why) Thanks guys.

[woe_is_me]

He is in his early 40's and I am in my early 30's. He has a kid from the first marriage, and this wife(second marriage) helped him raised the kid for the past few years. I am not sure if that counts......

 

You are right, it's screwy, and that's why I am sooooo confused. I don't know what to believe any more. He seemed to be so sure when he broke up with the wife and had her move out. But later he was in shock and scared by the wife's reaction, which scared me too. And he said the guilty feeling was killing him. But if he really stays out of guilty, it's not fair to her either, right?

 

Well, I havn't talked to him for a while. I heard his injury is getting worse, and he hasn't been to work much lately. I am really worried about him and very tempted to drop him a note just to check how he is doing. Should I do it? What do you guys think? (I know this is probably a stupid questions since the answer is obvious, but I need someone to knock on my head and remind me why) Thanks guys.

 

i know it's hard for you to understand at the moment but he and his wife and their marriage honestly isn't any of your business ..simple..! i know that sounds harsh but at some point you will have to stop dwelling on this guy 24/7...his W sounds a lil crazy too ..

 

Try not to write him any notes .. they won't be wanted.. you'll only add to his stress/injury..write yourself a letter to him instead and keep it..you might even feel a little less sad once you get it all out and put it on paper..don't send it though...it's for you ..not him..

 

And the answer to your first question .. is yes the fact that his W helped raise 'the kid' matters a great deal..and in all honesty how would u feel if u ended up with him..would you like raising 'the kid' as well?

I never ended up in a r/ship with my xmm but i sure as hell knew that step families cant be sugar coated like affairs can... be realistic..and take good care of YOURSELF