Gianna1974 Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 My dilemma is I am jealous of what I have learned about the past of the guy I have been dating a bit over a year. When we first met he failed to tell me he had been divorced and said that since his marriage was annulled he did not feel the need to tell me. I learned about this about 5 months after we started dating. (Supposedly, this all took place about 5 years ago and he was only married for a little over a year.) In my mind that is lying. He has told me all about his past and has opened up to me. But now I am jealous he was ever married because I thought he was the "perfect" guy never married no kids exactly what I had hoped to find in a relationship. Then my idea of "perfect" was shattered let alone the trust factor. I could see a future with this man, but can't get over the disappointment. When I tell him how I feel, he just says that he has come clean and told me everything. I'm just not sure why someone would hide this and now when we talk about his past he referrs to her as his ex-wife. I thought the marriage was annulled so therefore, by law he never had a wife. Does anyone have any advice how to move forward and remove the disappointment my mind? Or maybe I should move on since the trust was broken early on and you can't have a realtionship without trust.
Tyra Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 I think that you should continue to deal with this guy. He came honest with you and told you about it. It's not like he's married now and tried to keep it from you. You know what I mean. For him to be married in the past shouldn't change the fact that you think he isn't perfect anymore. And it's not lying if he didn't tell you.
annabelle75 Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 Sounds like a good guy that just didn't feel like sharing all his dirty little secrets in a new relationship too soon. Why does the fact he was once married make him "not perfect"? If you are going to let something like that end your relationship it just shows you really weren't into him in the first place. Sounds like you were just into the "idea" of the perfect guy.
jcster Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 You built an image in your imagination of this "perfect man" and now you find out he's human. I think you need to look at the bigger picture.
BlueEyedSarah Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 My dilemma is I am jealous of what I have learned about the past of the guy I have been dating a bit over a year. When we first met he failed to tell me he had been divorced and said that since his marriage was annulled he did not feel the need to tell me. I learned about this about 5 months after we started dating. (Supposedly, this all took place about 5 years ago and he was only married for a little over a year.) In my mind that is lying. He has told me all about his past and has opened up to me. But now I am jealous he was ever married because I thought he was the "perfect" guy never married no kids exactly what I had hoped to find in a relationship. Then my idea of "perfect" was shattered let alone the trust factor. I could see a future with this man, but can't get over the disappointment. When I tell him how I feel, he just says that he has come clean and told me everything. I'm just not sure why someone would hide this and now when we talk about his past he referrs to her as his ex-wife. I thought the marriage was annulled so therefore, by law he never had a wife. Does anyone have any advice how to move forward and remove the disappointment my mind? Or maybe I should move on since the trust was broken early on and you can't have a realtionship without trust. Why would you just give up on the relationship just because he was married at one point? I can see that the reason may be that because he was married he may have a bit of a fear to marry again for quite a while. is this the problem your thinking of?
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 Does anyone have any advice how to move forward and remove the disappointment my mind? Or maybe I should move on since the trust was broken early on and you can't have a relationship without trust. I think you need to communicate with him clearly just how important honesty is to you. Maybe explain that it doesn’t feel comfortable for you to invest yourself completely in a relationship without there first being a mutual foundation of “trust”. And that you require no more from him than you are willing to reciprocate yourself. Be completely honest about your fears and insecurities, too. It’ll let him know you’re just as human and vulnerable as he is, and once you level the playing field a bit, he might feel more at ease to be more open with you. I think the problem with a good majority of folks is that they’re afraid of the possibility of rejection should they reveal their proverbial warts too soon. Particularly in the “getting to know you stage”. They’d rather wait until you like them first, as who they are on the surface, before revealing the more unpleasant things about themselves. It feels “safer” for them that way. At least if your going to hit the “eject” button ... you’re likely to be a bit more hesitant and kinder about it. I’ve tried to imagine how I might feel if someone waited five months before letting me in on an important aspect of their past that may or may not be a deal-breaker for me. And having been in similar situations before, it wasn’t too far of a stretch to understand exactly why you suddenly feel uncomfortable. But that would depend on several things. First, had you ever asked him ... and did he deny or deliberately avoid the truth? And how much time did the two of you actually spend together during that time (weekends only?) and how serious was your relationship up until that point? (Rhetorical) I think, if he waited until you were already emotionally and physically invested in this relationship before confiding in you, then I agree that he made a real stinker move that could possibly result in him fumbling this one. I think you should take all the time you need to reconsider whether or not you can feel happy and comfortable with this relationship given what’s been presented to you. It may require “going slow” and getting to really know this guy before you consider planning anything too far ahead for your futures. There may more left about him to discover, and maybe not. Only time will tell.
Arizona100 Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 We all had a life before meeting the right guy, I don't see his short marriage as a problem and he told you the truth so that's good. Are you so upset because he proposed to someone else first? Someone who wasn't you? Did it ruin some kind of fairy tale perfect love kind of story that you had in your head? It wouldn't be a trust breaker for me. Now if he tells me "oh btw, I have had two kids with another woman" that'd be another story. I expect people to have flaws as I have mine. I don't see it as a huge issue at all. As I said, he told you.
Saxis Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 This is something I've been thinking about lately. I want to start dating again, and the 3 month "cooling off" period for our divorce is just starting. I plan on telling dates right off about my past, not hiding anything. I found out that my STBXW was rarely honest to me with anything during our 3 year marriage. It's left me with a lot of anger, but I just tell myself that I don't have to put up with it any more, and I won't, from her or anyone else. My advice is: You have to be honest with him too, and let him know that you aren't comfortable with this, and that you've lost trust in him or whatever it is. If you tell him that it's OK, but you've secretly been stewing about it, he is no longer the dishonest one. If you need time, take time. DO NOT go back telling him that you're over it if you aren't. I had to put up with 3 years worth of stuff like this, and it's just not worth it for either of you. Later on in an argument, we'd play unfairly and throw it in each other's faces. I think you deserved to know about this sooner than 5 months time, but if he came clean and you didn't have to find out some other way, that's not quite as harsh. He was probably worried that his past would scare you off. The funny thing about things like this: It's almost always more scary to omit the truth or lie about it, in the long run.
Capricciosa Posted August 18, 2007 Posted August 18, 2007 I have no idea how old you are, or what your real insecurities are about this, but you need to cut this guy some slack, and realize that when you are looking for perfect, the other person has already been set up to fail.
whichwayisup Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 Everyone has a past, and yeah he should have told you sooner...But, he didn't. He has his reasons, which he told you. Guess it depends on how much you like this guy and if you can accept him as he is. Faults and all. NOONE should be put on the perfect pedistool as NOONE is perfect. When you do that, your expectation level becomes TOO high and you get disappointed...Let down...Like how you are feeling now. Let me ask you this...(You don't have to answer here if you don't want to, but answer it for yourself.) What if this guy you're with right now was upset that you had sex with an exboyfriend...He thought you were a virgin and then found out you weren't - And then he decided he couldn't be with you anymore at all because another man's penis broke your virginity...How would you feel? Especially if you LOVED him and wanted to be with him? I know this is comparing apples and oranges - But in all honesty - I think you're overreacting and you need to talk to him, sort this out. If you cannot get over it, break up with him.
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