ookla_2 Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 I don't want to be with my H anymore. I tried to tell him this a year ago, he left for three days and came back a changed man. He is now the husband that everyone should want, so why don't I? I feel like I should have stuck to my guns last year, and we would be so much further along in the process by now, but I caved. I want to be in love with him, I'm just not. And he seems more in love with me than he ever was, before I told him that I was not in love with him. Now I just deny that there are any problems, put on a happy face and smile for the world, trying to keep everyone happy. I'm not myself anymore and I miss myself. I find myself lying about stupid little things (such as a silly little blog I used to contribute to), because I don't want to have to give them up simply because he doesn't like them. We have been together for 16 years, and have two children. Much like most people on here, I don't want to make anyone else unhappy, but I sacrifice my own happiness to try to maintain theirs. I'm living a lie. We are all living a lie. But I can't seem to make myself do this to him because he hasn't done anything wrong. I even tried counseling for a while, but that made him nervous, so I stopped. I never used to be so cowering and weak, and I hate what I have become. I am in a major depression that is scaring me to death...because I have given up all hope of ever being happy. I know that is just me being dramatic, and things have to change somehow, I just can't see anything changing anytime soon if I don't do it myself and I lack the courage to make a change. I'm so protective of his feelings, and don't want to hurt him, and last time it happened he made it seem like he would be completely lost without me, and have nothing to live for. That scared me, and I vowed to never hurt him like that again. How can I either: A - make myself feel for him like I should, or B - tell him that there's better out there for him, and make him see that? I'm so low, lower than I have ever been, and I don't know where to turn. Sorry for being such a downer, but anyone who can talk sense into me would be greatly appreciated.
Javelin Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 Your husband didn't do anything wrong, but you don't want to be with him anymore? I think you're hiding something and I can't quite put my finger on what it is exactly. BUT, the question is... Do you still love your husband and would you want to work on rebuilding what you had with him, that made you say, 'I do' 16 years ago? If so, read on! From reading (listening, rather) to how you feel, it seems to me that you are feeling like this because, you don't have his approval towards some of the activities you like to do, that make you, you <whew>... I hope that all made a little sense. Well, if it did, here's some advice that might help your marriage and the way you feel about your husband. Now I know it's easier said then done, but the only way for this to work, is if you build up the courage to stand your ground firmly. That said, self-esteem is a must and it'll help when you talk face to face. The next step is to take some alone time for you and your husband. At this point you should talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel about him, your marriage situation, and yourself. Make sure not to leave out any details and make sure you tell him exactly what you told us.
Author ookla_2 Posted August 15, 2007 Author Posted August 15, 2007 Thanks for your reply. You are right, I'm not myself anymore and that is a big part of the problem. I used to stand my ground more, and we fought quite a bit. We never fight anymore, because I just do what is expected of me (or hide things). I got to the point where I just can't bear the thought of fighting with him...I think because we used to get so out of hand when we did argue, and he would say such hurtful things that are still with me to this day, and we would really upset the kids. I don't want to do that anymore. You are right, though. I am going to have to stand my ground, tell him what I want and don't want, and see what happens from there. I think if I could just be myself again, he may decide that I'm not the person for him....but somehow that thought doesn't scare me....
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