after 8 months he finally tells me THIS?!?!?

[woodsfield]

he finally told me the real reason he doesnt want to be with me....hes not attracted to me!! he said he never was attracted to me but stuck with me for 8 months because he liked me/loved me. he always called me beautiful and cutie and sexy during the first 3-4 months we were together. hes always wanted to have sex 3-4 times a day and he always says "you're so sexy" while we're doing it. so i think its crappy that he finally told me that hes just not attracted to me.

 

hes dated like movie star good looking girls in the past that were like 5'3, 110lbs, rich, and beautiful. he says those are the kind of girls he usually goes for and i just dont add up. hmm im glad he waited 8 months to tell me this!!!

 

well yesterday morning he called me and said he still wasnt sure what he wanted and maybe we could just "date" and see how things go. then he asked me what i was doing this weekend and i said i had plans both nights. well he flips out on me and says "i thought we were going to hang out friday night!" and i said "since when?? we never made plans for friday." and he said "well we always hang out on friday!! forget it, im done with you, i never want to talk to you or see you again, just go back to your ex boyfriend!" and i said "ok well hes been calling me the last couple days so maybe i will." and i hung up on him. he immediately called me back and started asking me a million questions about me talking to him and what did we talk about and was i going to hang out with him, etc. then his boss said something to him and he had to go. an hour later he called me and i didnt answer, so he called me 6 more times that hour. i called him back on my way to work and he was asking me a million questions again about whether i was going back to my ex boyfriend or not and he was saying he still doesnt know what he wants. and i said i thought u were done with me and never going to talk to me again. and he said "no i still dont know what i want."

 

i finally got off the phone with him and he continued to call me throughout the night. i finally answered one of his calls when i got off work and he kept quizzing me about my ex boyfriend asking me how many times i talked to him that night, etc. he was asking me if i was talking to someone else, or interested in someone else. everytime i tried to get off the phone with him he would try to get me to keep talking or he would call me back a few mins later. then he called me again this morning with a million questions about what ive been doing, who ive been talking to, etc. i told him "you dont want to be with me so it doesnt matter, now quit asking me." but he seems like hes panicked about me being with someone else and its all he thinks about.

 

my mom says he is very mentally unstable and she even liked him alot when we were together. i found somethings online about borderline personality disorder and it was him EXACTLY!! i wish he would just leave me alone but i cant figure out why he keeps calling me so much and worrying about me and what im doing and who im talking to. i asked him why he keeps calling me and he said "boredom, im bored so i call you." yea righttttttt. he has no idea what he wants does he???

 

misme:

has he still not got his stuff??? if not, you need to do what someelse has already suggested...put it outside in the rain and let him come get it when you aren't there.

 

he has no right to know who you are talking to now and for your SAFTEY, you should not tell him anything else. IMO, i wouldn't ever talk to him again. this guy may do some serious physical harm to you and you may need to stay with you parents for a while (if possible)...SERIOUSLY. this guy is whacked outta his mind.

 

Bipolar for sure. Maybe mutliple personality, but either one of these types of individuals can be very dangerous. anyone who calls their SO a f*cken b*tch while throwing their drink at them IN PUBLIC is capable of much worse if pushed to the edge.

 

i'm sorry that you loved this guy (at one time), but i dont think he ever loved you. the other "hotties" he's been with may have just helped to divert his thoughts from his own depression/bipolarness, and then he found someone that treated him well (you). he would say things to keep you around when he couldn't keep the others around. i guarantee he's told someone else these things....he is a lyer as well as mental.

 

8 months can be a long time, but it is sooooooo short, too. way too much has happened in this short amount of time and if you are not careful, this "end" may drag for 8 months.

 

text him that his sh*t is on the door step and that he need not to bother calling you ever again. if his brother's f*ckin movie ain't in the box...then tough sh*t; he can buy another. a movie is not worth your saftey.

[jcster]

Look. If you really want to stop being hurt by this guy - you need to stop taking his calls and make sure that all of his things are out of your house (and preferably, out on the lawn in a pile of dog poop). NEVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN.

 

It's your choice, whether or not you keep getting hurt. It's up to you to make sure that you are safe and happy. It's time to take responsibility for your own health and happiness and get yourself away from this guy. Step away from the drama and the self-righteousness of victimhood before it's too late. If you don't it's going to get much, much worse. Please don't be a statistic.

[underpants]

he finally told me the real reason he doesnt want to be with me....hes not attracted to me!! he said he never was attracted to me but stuck with me for 8 months because he liked me/loved me.

 

Ahh, great. Just another thing to add to the list.

 

What a complete IDIOT.

 

Why would you want to be with someone who is probably always going to be in search of greener pastures? You are lucky to be seeing his true character before more time and emotions were invested.

 

He is at his core a very basic manipulative JERK. Case closed.

 

When I read your posts I am reminded of a lovely turd from my past. The break up took longer then our relationship. It sucked because all I was doing was pushing him away whilst using the contact to try to show him the truth of his actions and how they effected everyone around him and most of all him. He could have cared less. He I think just wanted attention and delighted in any pain/compassion/anger/whatever I attempted to show. It was ultimately an excercise in futility. I wised up when someone told me ...Unders when you want it to stop it will stop. It still took a few more months but after enough truthful brassy berating he left to repeat the same patterns with others who will allow it.

 

You simply have to cut this guy off. He is toxic for you (and probably others). However, this is not your problem nor is it your responsibility. He showed you the door. You can close it.

 

Being alone is better then being in a toxic relationship. IMO.

[missmebaby]

i know im so pathetic! ive been crying all day, because i just miss him so much. i dont know why....he was so bad for me and he is so totally psycho sometimes and he can be so cold hearted. hes this big hard muscular guy and i just miss his big arms around me, i miss the guy he COULD be and WAS alot of the time, i miss spending all day together, i miss EVERYTHING we used to do. i never saw this coming, it all happened so fast. one minute we're planning on moving in together and getting engaged. things were going SO well, he seemed so in love with me. then a month later suddenly everything changes and he hates me! WHY?!?! i took care of him when he was hurt, i brought him to my house for a week for God's sake and bathed him, fed him, drove him all around, took him to his doctor's appointments, held his hand and told him everything would be ok, waited on him hand and foot. after his accident he had no vehicle so guess who drove everywhere? ME. i kissed his tears away when he was laying in the hospital bed crying because the doctor told him his arm will never look normal again, i was the only one who thought to clean the blood off his face, his mom and dad werent even there for him but i was, i slept overnight in a hard chair in the hospital with him so he didnt have to be alone. im such a nice person and i try so hard to do anything for the guy im with, why do i always get hurt??

 

i just have this "please love me" attitude where no matter how bad a guy treats me i will just try harder and harder to please him so maybe he will change and really love me. i just wonder what the hell is wrong with ME that he doesnt want me?? i just want him to miss me and realize what he is losing. thats my biggest problem. even if i dont want to be with him anymore i will try to hang on so he will realize what a huge mistake hes making. i want him to come crawling back so I can be the one that says "no its over, YOU treated me like crap, and YOU dont deserve me." i cant stand it when a guy breaks up with me after he treated me like crap and i was the good person in the relationship. maybe if i was a btch like his last 2 girlfriends then he would want me...but no instead i have morals and i just want to make people happy and i suffer for it. i just want the guy to totally regret breaking up with me and realize how horrible he was to me and how good i was to him...instead of me being the one who gets hurt and the guy walks away feeling fine because hes the one that broke it off and made me cry.

 

another problem i have is that i just cant stand being alone. its sad but ever since i was 14 i have had a boyfriend. the longest time ive been single since i started high school was a year but during that year i was still very close friends with my ex and we hung out all the time and it was like we were in an open relationship. so ive never experienced "being on my own" and being single and not having someone there. i cant stand it. i feel so lonely. i cant stand not having someone i can call and talk to for a long time or just call and say hi while you're driving home from work, i cant stand not having someone i can just go over to their house and lay in bed and watch TV and cuddle, i cant stand not having someone you can always count on to want to hang out with you. i just sit here and feel so empty. im so sick of finding someone and thinking i found the person im going to spend the rest of my life with and they get my hopes up and then im let down like this, wondering if im ever going to find a decent guy. the best memories of my life have been with my boyfriends. i am happiest just being with someone, no matter where we are or what we're doing i am so happy to just have someone that loves spending time with me.

 

hes been calling me nonstop for the past 2 days, wondering what ive been doing and who ive been talking to. hes said he just doesnt know what he wants right now but he wants to keep talking to me. yesterday afternoon i talked to him and everything was fine, he said he would talk to me later. surprisingly he didnt call the rest of the day or most of today. he called after work today and said he wanted to make sure i was bringing his stuff back tomorrow and dropping it off. he was being very cold to me. i asked him what was wrong and he just said he didnt want to talk to me anymore. i said "why? everything was fine yesterday, what happened between then and now?" and he said "nothing, i just dont want to talk to you ever again whats so hard to understand about that?" i admit i was very hurt. i was so surprised that he would go from calling me 8 times a day to telling me he didnt want to talk to me anymore. then he said something about me talking to all kinds of guys and trying to find someone else. and how he had told me he wasnt sure what he wanted but i was still trying to find someone else instead. he said from now on he didnt give a sh*t anymore and he didnt want to talk to me and now he knows what he wants. all because i was talking to other guys. then he hung up on me.

 

10 mins later he texts me "drop my stuff off tomorrow." well i didnt answer him so a few mins later he texts "ok?" i still dont answer him so he calls me. i dont answer that so he calls me again 10 mins later and leaves a voicemail that says "hey its me i just wanted to make sure you're still droppin that stuff off, you said you would tomorrow so i was just callin to see if you're still doing it, k bye." this time he doesnt seem mad at all. i havent called or texted back and i havent heard from him.

 

i dont know why i cant just ignore him, i know hes a really screwed up person but i just want him to want me! im sick of thinking i found a great guy and growing to love so many things about them and then they change. i feel like its all my fault...like if i was more attractive, more fun, or more outgoing then maybe everything would be fine and they would treat me great. i dont understand how someone can just not want to see you or talk to you again when you were a part of their life everyday for so long. am i really that unimportant? theres nothing worth missing about me or my life??

 

my mom says he is treating me like this because he is feeling bad and misses me but is too stubborn to admit it and is taking it out on me. she says he has no idea what he wants and its driving him crazy thinking i am out there replacing him with other guys and hes trying to throw that in my face to make me feel like its my fault and to make me feel bad. she says he can see that my life is going on without him and its really bothering him.

 

i HAVE to stop talking to him, i WILL stop talking to him. i just keep thinking that if i answer im going to hear him say that he misses me and he made the biggest mistake breaking up with me and please give him another chance. not that i want to get back with him but just hearing him say those words and knowing he is suffering too and is blaming himself would make me feel a million times better.

[jcster]

Toxic Love

 

by Robert Burney M. A.

"As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims"

 

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

 

One of the biggest problems with relationships in this society is that the context we approach them from is too small. We were taught that getting the relationship is the goal.

 

 

 

It starts in early childhood with Fairy Tales where the Prince and the Princess live happily-ever-after. It continues in movies and books where "boy meets girl" "boy loses girl" "boy gets girl back" - the music swells and the happy couple ride off into the sunset. The songs that say "I can't smile without you" "I can't live without you" "You are my everything" describe the type of love we learned about growing up - toxic love - an addiction with the other person as our drug of choice, as our Higher Power.

 

 

 

Any time we set another human being up to be our Higher Power we are going to experience failure in whatever we are trying to accomplish. We will end up feeling victimized by the other person or by our self - and even when we feel victimized by the other person we blame our self for the choices we made. We are set up to fail to get our needs met in Romantic Relationships because of the belief system we were taught in childhood and the messages we got from our society growing up.

There is no goal to reach that will bring us to happily-ever after. We are not incomplete until we find our soul mate. We are not halves that cannot be whole without a relationship.

 

 

True Love is not a painful obsession. It is not taking a hostage or being a hostage. It is not all-consuming, isolating, or constricting. Believing we can't be whole or happy without a relationship is unhealthy and leads us to accept deprivation and abuse, and to engage in manipulation, dishonesty, and power struggles. The type of love we learned about growing up is an addiction, a form of toxic love.

Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. toxic love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski.)

1. Love - Development of self first priority.

Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.

 

2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.

Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)

 

 

3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.

Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect

old

friends, interests.

 

 

4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth.

Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.

 

 

5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)

Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."

 

 

6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.

Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.

 

 

7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality.

Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.

 

 

8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.

Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.

 

 

9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood.

Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.

 

 

10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)

Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)

 

 

11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.

Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.

 

 

12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone.

Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.

 

 

13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment.

Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.

Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is not working.

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that will last forever - expecting it to last forever is what is dysfunctional. Expectations set us up to be a victim - and cause to abandon ourselves in search of our goal.

 

 

If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson.

As long as our definition of a successful relationship is one that lasts forever - we are set up to fail. As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply - using another person as our drug of choice. That is not True Love - nor is it Loving.

[uniqueone]

i just want him to miss me and realize what he is losing. thats my biggest problem. even if i dont want to be with him anymore i will try to hang on so he will realize what a huge mistake hes making. i want him to come crawling back so I can be the one that says "no its over, YOU treated me like crap, and YOU dont deserve me." i cant stand it when a guy breaks up with me after he treated me like crap and i was the good person in the relationship. maybe if i was a btch like his last 2 girlfriends then he would want me...but no instead i have morals and i just want to make people happy and i suffer for it. i just want the guy to totally regret breaking up with me and realize how horrible he was to me and how good i was to him...instead of me being the one who gets hurt and the guy walks away feeling fine because hes the one that broke it off and made me cry.

 

 

I can totally relate to what you're saying here because I feel the same way. I think it's a loss of control we feel. We felt that we could keep things working ok by being so giving but they didn't stay ok. In other words, no matter what we're doing so far is changing the situation.

 

That makes us feel helpless. Say you're out in the middle of the ocean in a tiny boat and you see him out in another boat. You find a paddle in the boat so you start paddling towards him. But it doesn't get the boat to move anywhere no matter how fast you paddle...it just keeps you in the same spot, but when he paddles HIS boat, it moves. That makes you feel helpless and frustrated. His boat moves towards the shore and yours is left stranded out in the middle of the ocean. (please note.....if you have any strange dreams due to my analogy, it's not my fault....)

 

Do you think your feelings are about a loss of control?

 

Do you feel like all of your giving and acts of kindness were like deposits in a bank and now you're in great need of some money and the account is empty? (look...there I go with another one.......)

You feel ripped off, right? You want to go after that person who took all of your money and left you high and dry.

 

You want to feel validated. You want to feel vindicated. You want to feel like being a good person MEANS something. You want them to appreciate your goodness.

 

But to certain people, it doesn't mean anything. That's how they are.

 

Of course you wonder if it's how they are or if it's how they are to YOU. You wonder if there's something about you that causes it.

 

Why do you think there's something about you? Who made you feel that there was something about you that causes people to treat you badly? Could it have been your dad? Could you be finding men similar to your dad and then trying to prove to them that you ARE worth be treated well?

[JCD]

I think she needs to lay off men for a while at least until she feels comfortable being by herself. Then at least she will pick better men because she won't be so desperate for one, imo.

[missmebaby]

thats the thing though....i pick men who really truly appear and seem to be great guys! he is a very attractive, big muscular guy who is very clean cut, dresses very nicely, had a very nice expensive truck, and a big nice house. he owned his own business, made lots of money, and was the most polite mature guy....for the first 3 months. i mean he really seemed to know how to treat girls! he was always holding doors for me, helping me up into his truck, kissing my hand. he was a perfect gentleman at first i thought he was too good to be true.

 

he was a hard worker, had plenty of friends, and my family loved him. theres no way any girl could think he was going to turn out this way. it was only after he had me hooked that all this stuff came out and i learned about his past. he had no tattoos, no piercings...nothing that could lead me to think he was going to treat me badly.

[uniqueone]

thats the thing though....i pick men who really truly appear and seem to be great guys! he is a very attractive, big muscular guy who is very clean cut, dresses very nicely, had a very nice expensive truck, and a big nice house. he owned his own business, made lots of money, and was the most polite mature guy....for the first 3 months. i mean he really seemed to know how to treat girls! he was always holding doors for me, helping me up into his truck, kissing my hand. he was a perfect gentleman at first i thought he was too good to be true.

 

he was a hard worker, had plenty of friends, and my family loved him. theres no way any girl could think he was going to turn out this way. it was only after he had me hooked that all this stuff came out and i learned about his past. he had no tattoos, no piercings...nothing that could lead me to think he was going to treat me badly.

 

 

There probably were little things about his behavior early on that you overlooked.

[underpants]

i know im so pathetic!

 

You are not pathetic. That is your insecurity talking. Use the tears to give you strength. Make the list, it will give you strength.

 

ive been crying all day, because i just miss him so much. i dont know why....he was so bad for me and he is so totally psycho sometimes and he can be so cold hearted. hes this big hard muscular guy and i just miss his big arms around me, i miss the guy he COULD be and WAS alot of the time, i miss spending all day together, i miss EVERYTHING we used to do. i never saw this coming, it all happened so fast. one minute we're planning on moving in together and getting engaged. things were going SO well, he seemed so in love with me. then a month later suddenly everything changes and he hates me! WHY?!?!

 

i took care of him when he was hurt, i brought him to my house for a week for God's sake and bathed him, fed him, drove him all around, took him to his doctor's appointments, held his hand and told him everything would be ok, waited on him hand and foot. after his accident he had no vehicle so guess who drove everywhere? ME. i kissed his tears away when he was laying in the hospital bed crying because the doctor told him his arm will never look normal again, i was the only one who thought to clean the blood off his face, his mom and dad werent even there for him but i was, i slept overnight in a hard chair in the hospital with him so he didnt have to be alone. im such a nice person and i try so hard to do anything for the guy im with, why do i always get hurt??

 

You miss the drama.

 

You have projected your insecurites on a dude.

 

 

i just have this "please love me" attitude where no matter how bad a guy treats me i will just try harder and harder to please him so maybe he will change and really love me. i just wonder what the hell is wrong with ME that he doesnt want me?? i just want him to miss me and realize what he is losing. thats my biggest problem. even if i dont want to be with him anymore i will try to hang on so he will realize what a huge mistake hes making. i want him to come crawling back so I can be the one that says "no its over, YOU treated me like crap, and YOU dont deserve me." i cant stand it when a guy breaks up with me after he treated me like crap and i was the good person in the relationship. maybe if i was a btch like his last 2 girlfriends then he would want me...but no instead i have morals and i just want to make people happy and i suffer for it. i just want the guy to totally regret breaking up with me and realize how horrible he was to me and how good i was to him...instead of me being the one who gets hurt and the guy walks away feeling fine because hes the one that broke it off and made me cry.

 

Okay, I hear you here. However, eventually if you take the time away from romantic relationships for a bit. You will go through a phase of being angry at yourself for allowing someone to treat you badly and not standing up for and loving yourself, even if it means walking away first. This is the core of this mentality.

 

another problem i have is that i just cant stand being alone. its sad but ever since i was 14 i have had a boyfriend. the longest time ive been single since i started high school was a year but during that year i was still very close friends with my ex and we hung out all the time and it was like we were in an open relationship. so ive never experienced "being on my own" and being single and not having someone there. i cant stand it. i feel so lonely. i cant stand not having someone i can call and talk to for a long time or just call and say hi while you're driving home from work, i cant stand not having someone i can just go over to their house and lay in bed and watch TV and cuddle, i cant stand not having someone you can always count on to want to hang out with you. i just sit here and feel so empty. im so sick of finding someone and thinking i found the person im going to spend the rest of my life with and they get my hopes up and then im let down like this, wondering if im ever going to find a decent guy. the best memories of my life have been with my boyfriends. i am happiest just being with someone, no matter where we are or what we're doing i am so happy to just have someone that loves spending time with me.

 

No offense but this is messed up. How can you be a good partner to someone else if you don't even know what it is like to be...you? No back up boyfriends not flip flopping relationships just...you. You can cultivate friendships or even hobbies and learn fulfillment by learning and loving yourself. Alot of peeps who never take the time to really do this wind up later in life wishing they had.

 

With this mentality you attract bad partners because being with anyone is better then being alone. That is not a good energy to have.

 

Use the break up as a gift. A gift to learn to love yourself and to cultivate your own personhood to gift to a more worthy partner in the future. This would be the best way to spend this time.

 

 

hes been calling me nonstop for the past 2 days, wondering what ive been doing and who ive been talking to. hes said he just doesnt know what he wants right now but he wants to keep talking to me. yesterday afternoon i talked to him and everything was fine, he said he would talk to me later. surprisingly he didnt call the rest of the day or most of today. he called after work today and said he wanted to make sure i was bringing his stuff back tomorrow and dropping it off. he was being very cold to me. i asked him what was wrong and he just said he didnt want to talk to me anymore. i said "why? everything was fine yesterday, what happened between then and now?" and he said "nothing, i just dont want to talk to you ever again whats so hard to understand about that?" i admit i was very hurt. i was so surprised that he would go from calling me 8 times a day to telling me he didnt want to talk to me anymore. then he said something about me talking to all kinds of guys and trying to find someone else. and how he had told me he wasnt sure what he wanted but i was still trying to find someone else instead. he said from now on he didnt give a sh*t anymore and he didnt want to talk to me and now he knows what he wants. all because i was talking to other guys. then he hung up on me.

 

10 mins later he texts me "drop my stuff off tomorrow." well i didnt answer him so a few mins later he texts "ok?" i still dont answer him so he calls me. i dont answer that so he calls me again 10 mins later and leaves a voicemail that says "hey its me i just wanted to make sure you're still droppin that stuff off, you said you would tomorrow so i was just callin to see if you're still doing it, k bye." this time he doesnt seem mad at all. i havent called or texted back and i havent heard from him.

 

Okay, here is where some other posters might disagree. You know this guy ...NOT THE ONE for you. I hope somewhere in there you realise and know this in your core. It is painful and I am sorry for that but I am mad at him for you. So let me tell you my idea.

 

If it were me. I would go to the store and purchase some male underpants. A pair of sexy brief/boxer types in a sexy size (not his). I would wash them so they are not new looking. I would toss those in the box under and amix all his other crap. I would close up this box and I would deliver it to his house when HE IS NOT HOME!!!

 

Enjoy the insane jealous contact (don't respond to any of it) and let it validate your decision to move on.

 

i dont know why i cant just ignore him, i know hes a really screwed up person but i just want him to want me! im sick of thinking i found a great guy and growing to love so many things about them and then they change. i feel like its all my fault...like if i was more attractive, more fun, or more outgoing then maybe everything would be fine and they would treat me great. i dont understand how someone can just not want to see you or talk to you again when you were a part of their life everyday for so long. am i really that unimportant? theres nothing worth missing about me or my life??

 

Again this is your insecurity talking. It is understandable given you have made a decision. He made it but you are finding you stance in how to deal with it. No do not doubt yourself over someone who is damaged. You can never be enough for someone with these kinds of issues. As someone else stated it is like paddleing in a circle. Cut the anchor and find yourself.

 

my mom says he is treating me like this because he is feeling bad and misses me but is too stubborn to admit it and is taking it out on me. she says he has no idea what he wants and its driving him crazy thinking i am out there replacing him with other guys and hes trying to throw that in my face to make me feel like its my fault and to make me feel bad. she says he can see that my life is going on without him and its really bothering him.

 

He is defecting/projecting his own guilt and anger at himself on you. He is doing all of this without addressing any of his core problems. Come on, you know this.

 

i HAVE to stop talking to him, i WILL stop talking to him. i just keep thinking that if i answer im going to hear him say that he misses me and he made the biggest mistake breaking up with me and please give him another chance. not that i want to get back with him but just hearing him say those words and knowing he is suffering too and is blaming himself would make me feel a million times better.

 

I know you think it would make you feel better. However, having been there and done that ....it really does not. It is a hollow thing. Sorry...

 

My resolution is to not ever be wooed by a hollow man again.

 

Be strong and let him live with his choice.

 

 

Chin up...if you do this right. You will come out the big winner in the end.

[jcster]

If it were me. I would go to the store and purchase some male underpants. A pair of sexy brief/boxer types in a sexy size (not his). I would wash them so they are not new looking. I would toss those in the box under and amix all his other crap. I would close up this box and I would deliver it to his house when HE IS NOT HOME!!!

 

Enjoy the insane jealous contact (don't respond to any of it) and let it validate your decision to move on.

Whoa! Don't do that! This guy is abusive, controlling and not entirely sane. DO NOT JERK HIS CHAIN!

 

So, he's big, he's strong, your mom likes him. He's also hurtful, abusive, and controlling. A lot of people have a persona that they polish for the world, it's only those close to them that see the rotten, wormy fruit underneath. So, you miss his manly coolness. Do you miss being berated? Do you miss being screamed at? Do you miss the unfairness of his attacks?

 

You've put all of your self-worth into this guy's attentions. You learned to depend on it, and now it's gone. You lost yourself in your relationship with this guy, and now you feel a big nothingness where YOU used to be. There's only one way to cure this, and it's hard. You need to spend some time with yourself. The drama of your relationship with this guy was addictive, you need to detox and get your own life back together.

 

Stop dwelling on what was and what he said. Try thinking about the future.

[underpants]

You have a point J,

 

I was just trying to give her a since of empowerment. This does have to come for a place of core strength and a commitment of total detachment to work however. I think maybe she is not quite there. However, when you are done, you are done.

 

Don't worry missme. I had to mark my calendar. Even over 7 ish months out, I still keep the list handy. (I looked at it last weekend for the first time in over 4 months and didn't even read through it all)

 

I am tiny however, never intimated, and fairly smart on top of it. You have to think through any action you take with this guy. You don't want to piss of a crazy person...(my own words coming back to haunt me)

 

 

It is a process and we all want to pull you through.

[Green eyes]

First of all he has a self esteem issue. Also he is crazy! Sounds like a bi-polar issue. Also when he is in these depresive states he is telling you what he really feels. He does not love you and he never will... Sorry but thats the truth. When he said he wants space but he still wants to be together it means that he is going to try and find something else and have you as a back up plan. Does that sound tempting? Doesnt to me. Get out and get out now. Its only going to get worse. You only live once babe. Be happy and live your life with some one that wants to be with you.

[jcster]

I was just trying to give her a since of empowerment. This does have to come for a place of core strength and a commitment of total detachment to work however. I think maybe she is not quite there. However, when you are done, you are done.

 

I realized that you were trying to give her tips on empowerment. It's just that this is so very close to what she's been doing already to get him to react to her. It can blow up in your face pretty easily with a guy like this one, though.

 

Missme - you need to get good an angry. Anger is a powerful and cleansing emotion, it's that part of you that tells you that you deserve better and didn't get it. Read all of your posts here again if you need to.

[uniqueone]

Why do several people keep saying he sounds like he's bipolar? Do you know what bipolar is? There haven't been any clear-cut signs of bipolar disorder in his behavior. Just because someone is nice at times and mean and depressed at others does not make them bipolar.

[Green eyes]

Why do several people keep saying he sounds like he's bipolar? Do you know what bipolar is? There haven't been any clear-cut signs of bipolar disorder in his behavior. Just because someone is nice at times and mean and depressed at others does not make them bipolar.

 

Sorry we are not doctors here. No signs??? Ok then you need to re-write your story. Basically put he is not good in the head.

[uniqueone]

Sorry we are not doctors here. No signs??? Ok then you need to re-write your story. Basically put he is not good in the head.

 

Precisely...and since we aren't, there shouldn't be so many calling him bipolar, right?

 

I was just making the point because people seem so quick to label people with disorders. He may indeed have a disorder, but I doubt bipolar is the one.

Bipolar people tend to have periods of talking excessively, going on huge spending sprees, being sexually promiscuous, they tend to stay up during the wee hours and sleep during the day, they often can't hold jobs, and they become highly irritable with everyone. Those symptoms along with periods of extreme depression.

[missmebaby]

thanks everyone for the advice. i havent talked to him anymore and he hasnt tried to contact me. i just wish he would miss me. ya know i am the only girl that hes dated longer than a month or so that hes broken up with. his other 2 long term girlfriends dumped him. that just makes me feel so much worse. and he did it because im not hot enough and im not high maintenance enough. i dont understand why he would even get into a relationship with me and be so happy in the beginning if i wasnt his type!

 

i just dont even want to do anything. i just sit here holed up in my room. i try to sleep but i keep waking up with this terrible feeling in my heart because he is the first thing i think of when i wake up and i realize i am sleeping alone when i usually would be sleeping with him. and i realize that its over and hes never going to hold me or kiss me again. and i didnt even get a chance to say goodbye because we broke up over the phone. last time i saw him things were great between us and he was begging me to take him back and he was looking deep into my eyes and kissing me and saying it feels like he hasnt kissed me in forever and we were laughing and he just seemed so happy to be with me. the next day though he had changed his mind again. I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND WHY OR HOW.

 

i know he has a mental disorder. no one can act the way he does and be as unstable and confused as he is and not have a disorder. so i researched some things and he has almost ALL the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. here is the link that describes it http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bpd.cfm

 

that is him 100%! this really sucks because its Friday which means its the start of the weekend. i never had to worry about what i was doing over the weekend because i was always doing something with him. now i have to try to contact a few friends that i lost because i spent all my time with him and i have to search for something to do. and college starts back up on monday and its going to make me so depressed. i have a 45 min drive to and from there so i know im just going to think about him the whole time im driving. and then the fact that i used to talk to him all the time between classes and now i have no one.

[missmebaby]

any ideas on why i am the only one he treated like this? he was with a girl all through high school, they lasted for 5 years. he said they fought all the time. but i dont think he ever treated her as bad as me. she even kept cheating on him and breaking up with him so she could date someone else for a couple weeks, then she would go back to him. finally she dumped him for good. a few days later he met a younger girl who he immediately started to date. they were together for 2 years and he said they never fought, things were perfect, she was very beautiful, and they were planning on moving in together and getting married. then for some reason they went on a break and he slept with his first girlfriend because he thought he still loved her. but as soon as he did it he realized it was a mistake and he really wanted to be with his girlfriend so he didnt tell her about it. the first gf ended up telling his gf a few weeks later that she slept with him and his gf was furious and couldnt forgive him and she cut him out of her life. i guess he was totally devastated and went into a depression for a long time. even while we were together he used to talk about her like she was perfect and it was all his fault they broke up.

 

he has been good friends with his first girlfriend for about a year now and ever since he and I broke up a few days ago hes been talking to his 2nd girlfriend, the one that he thought was perfect. he talks to her on the phone and wednesday night they met up at a bar. he says they are not getting back together and havent once even mentioned it. he says she will probably disappear for awhile again and he wont hear from her.

 

why was I the one that he treated so badly? i was such a good girl to him and i had the family that treated him the best. he even said that i did more for him than any girlfriend ever has. maybe to him looks are everything. both of those girls were tiny and beautiful and rich. i just cant get over why i am the one he treated so horribly. maybe his last girlfriend dumping him totally messed him up or maybe i was just a rebound to distract him from her.

 

i dont know, i just want ANSWERS. i want to know why he didnt love me as much as them, why he treated me worse than them when i treated him better than they did, why i wasnt good enough for him when in the beginning he thought i was? i feel like its my fault he treated me this badly. yea hes a horrible messed up mentally unstable person but why was he only like that with me?? why didnt that side of him come out with his other girlfriends??

[underpants]

any ideas on why i am the only one he treated like this?

 

I am certain you are not the only one that has been or will be treated badly by him. I know it feels that way and you are trying to blame yourself for not being good enough to 'fix' him. Come on, on some level you have to know this is illogical thinking.

 

he was with a girl all through high school, they lasted for 5 years. he said they fought all the time. but i dont think he ever treated her as bad as me. she even kept cheating on him and breaking up with him so she could date someone else for a couple weeks, then she would go back to him. finally she dumped him for good.

 

Unnecessary Drama...eeewww

 

a few days later he met a younger girl who he immediately started to date. they were together for 2 years and he said they never fought, things were perfect, she was very beautiful, and they were planning on moving in together and getting married. then for some reason they went on a break and he slept with his first girlfriend because he thought he still loved her.

 

See, he treated someone else badly...

 

but as soon as he did it he realized it was a mistake and he really wanted to be with his girlfriend so he didnt tell her about it.

 

Ahhh, a liar who justifies cheating and lying. Time to add a couple more things to the list...

 

the first gf ended up telling his gf a few weeks later that she slept with him and his gf was furious and couldnt forgive him and she cut him out of her life. i guess he was totally devastated and went into a depression for a long time.

 

Unnecessary Drama stikes again...double eeewww.

 

 

even while we were together he used to talk about her like she was perfect and it was all his fault they broke up.

 

he has been good friends with his first girlfriend for about a year now and ever since he and I broke up a few days ago hes been talking to his 2nd girlfriend, the one that he thought was perfect. he talks to her on the phone and wednesday night they met up at a bar. he says they are not getting back together and havent once even mentioned it. he says she will probably disappear for awhile again and he wont hear from her.

 

Look, I think we may have dated the same person. He idealizes the ex girlfriends while devaluing you, how just awful. Of course they are perfect. He sabatoged his relationships with them so very badly it is 'safe' to think so highly of them once all is lost. This is so circuliar and bad and just terrible to try to deal with.

 

Bottom line.....he could not appreciate you when he had you. Also, he has a pattern of doing this same kind of thing in his past. This is not a reflection on you but a glimpse into his character and his pattern.

 

I am sure you will go on his wall of wonderful ex girlfriends. Of course he will 'miss' you. I am glad to hear that you are not contacting him or responding to contact from him. However, be prepared. His pattern is to rekindle old relationships. This is a control thing and an ugly flaw. Don't be recycled.

 

why was I the one that he treated so badly? i was such a good girl to him and i had the family that treated him the best. he even said that i did more for him than any girlfriend ever has. maybe to him looks are everything. both of those girls were tiny and beautiful and rich. i just cant get over why i am the one he treated so horribly. maybe his last girlfriend dumping him totally messed him up or maybe i was just a rebound to distract him from her.

 

i dont know, i just want ANSWERS. i want to know why he didnt love me as much as them, why he treated me worse than them when i treated him better than they did, why i wasnt good enough for him when in the beginning he thought i was? i feel like its my fault he treated me this badly. yea hes a horrible messed up mentally unstable person but why was he only like that with me?? why didnt that side of him come out with his other girlfriends??

 

You got mixed up with an issue laden person. His problems cannot withstand a healthy loving influence. He is toxic, and it will take years for him to fix himself, if he even ever decides he really wants to. You got out. My advice is to stay out.

 

I know you are hurting but when you heal from this (and you will) you will come to see how lucky you are.

 

You need to mourn the loss of the relationship. However, you need to also remind yourself during this process that you are important too.

 

Let this heartbreak make you stronger and wiser.

 

Much love girl. Be strong.

[jcster]

i feel like its my fault he treated me this badly.

 

No, it's not your fault, but he'd be very happy that you would think it was.

 

yea hes a horrible messed up mentally unstable person but why was he only like that with me?? why didnt that side of him come out with his other girlfriends??

 

How do you know that he was only like that with you? You heard all of this from him, didn't you? Do you really think he'd tell you that he was abusive to them? And, why do you feel sorry for him that he was "dumped" by his previous girlfriends. You should be happy for them! Learn a lesson from them and don't waste any more time crying over this loser.

[uniqueone]

If it were me. I would go to the store and purchase some male underpants.

 

Why does this term just sound so wrong to me?!?!

[huh]

What I feel is key here is he is not willing to get help. He should be saying "how I acted was inappropriate and hurtful to you. I apologize. I am going to go to a doctor to consider medications and go to therapy to deal with it. I hope you can be there for me, as I am committed to getting better and committed to you."

 

His depression is likely valid. But he is not taking responsibility for it! I suffer, but I get treatment. I won't have anger or mood swings unless you are crossing lines. If anything, I need to learn to express anger more often. People who receive treatment are perfectly capable of relationships; people unwilling to receive treatment should be ran from.

 

Exactly. It's drink throwing and violence against objects now. Those are huge red flags. If he doesn't get treatment & watch his behavior, things will no doubt escalate. Also, is he taking pain meds for the accident? It's possible he may have become addicted to them, which can affect behavior as well. But regardless, your first responsibility is to yourself. You deserve to be treated decently & to be happy.

 

OK, read the rest of the thread. If you haven't already, arrange for the return of the stuff (with someone else as mentioned for your safety). You can even ship it to him if necesary.

 

After that, there is no reason to contact him. He's just going to use that contact to manipulate you & make you feel bad (e.g. rewriting history on his attraction to you). You're not going to get the closure or answers you're seeking, just more pain & misery. I know that's hard, but you need to realize contact with him is only going to make you feel worse.

 

The land phone lines at home have a call blocking feature (you may need to order it from the phone company). Block his home, work & cell phone number. I don't think cell phones have it, but check. If they don't, change your cell phone no. Change your work number. If he can't reach you, he can't suck you into his manipulative, abusive nonsense.

 

Yes, it's ok to feel sad & hurt, that's part of the process. But make sure you're doing fun things with friends and take time out to pamper yourself/do things you enjoy. You may want to talk to a therapist & figure out how to address the low self-esteem and fear of being alone.

 

And this next part may be tricky because people with low self esteem have trouble praising themselves (I know, I've been there). Sit down and list your good qualities and abilities. For one, we can see you're a caring person & I'm sure you have many others. Keep reading it & reinforcing it. As a fellow caring person, the downside is the **** ups in life are drawn to caring people they can manipulate and drain of all energy and joy. Google the phrase "emotional vampire". While it's good to be caring & be there for people, you don't want to get exploited by these types.

[missmebaby]

well i am starting to feel a little better. ive been taking everyones advice and keeping busy, going out with friends, and trying to think of all the bad things about him. i have been no contact for 2 days now although yesterday he called me one time and left a voicemail saying "you were supposed to drop my stuff off here while i was at work today, where is it??" i wasnt able to take it there yesterday because i had to be at school most of the day for this orientation thing and its about an hour and 15 mins from his house so i didnt feel like driving all the way to school and then all the way to his house. plus i wasnt sure if i was going to make it there before he got home from work. i dont understand why he keeps calling me about it, its just a movie, a couple shirts, and his four wheeling helmet.

 

i guess im still having trouble figuring out how things changed so quickly. friday he was DESPERATE to come over and talk to me and get back together. he wanted us to be 100% back together and he was being so sweet to me and everything was great. he wanted to see me again saturday but i could tell things were a little different, he seemed distant. sunday i was at his house half the day but he was still being weird. then monday he said he wasnt sure what he wanted again because he isnt attracted to me and he wanted to break up but we could still "date." then tuesday all day he was calling me acting very jealous wanting to know if i was talking to any guys or if i messed around with my ex boyfriend. he called me like 10 times that day and he wouldnt let me get off the phone, he just kept carrying on a conversation or if i did manage to get off the phone with him he would call back 5 mins later and say "hes bored and wants to talk." wednesday morning was the same thing. but after i talked to him wednesday morning i didnt hear from him again all day and not thursday morning either. finally i hear from him thursday afternoon telling me to bring his stuff over tomorrow and he never wants to see me or talk to me again. i was like in shock, i had no idea what had changed from yesterday till today. so i asked him and he said "nothing, i just dont want to talk to you anymore whats so hard to understand about that?" and i said "well you kept calling me the last 2 days and now out of nowhere you hate me." and he said "well from now on i just dont give a sh*t about you. i told you i wasnt sure what i wanted yet but you're out talking to other guys and trying to meet other guys." then he hung up on me and i havent talked to him since.

 

i dont understand how everything can change so drastically from one day to the next. ill probly never know the truth. maybe he has found someone else, maybe he really is getting back with his ex even though he totally denied it, maybe hes just really angry because there are other guys interested in me.

 

sometimes i wonder if his accident is a cause of all of this. right before his accident things were seriously perfect. for a month before it happened he finally became the guy i wanted him to be and i thought he finally changed for me. we were not fighting at all, he wasnt losing his temper, he was being very affectionate and loving and saying all the right things, we were apartment shopping and planning on moving in together, he said he couldnt wait to put an engagement ring on my finger, we were hanging out all day every day. it was the one time in our relationship that i knew i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. then he got into that accident and screwed up his arm so that it will never look normal again. after that things totally changed and he was short tempered and saying hurtful things to me and thats when he started saying one day he wants to be with me and the next he doesnt. i remember one day he was joking with me and he said "with my arm like this how am i supposed to get hott girls?" and i got a little angry because it kind of hurt my feelings. he said "im just kidding babe." but now i wonder if maybe thats really the reason hes done with me. because he has said many times how upset he is about his arm and how it makes him sick to even look at it and it depresses him. i wonder if he feels he needs to see if he can get "hott girls" even with his arm like that. so it will validate that he is still attractive and boost his self esteem.

 

i have all these thoughts running through my head and i just wish i had answers. i want to know the REAL reason why we broke up. he has said its because he can see himself marrying me and im such a great girl but he is scared of commitment and needs his space to figure things out, on a different day he has said its becasue hes not ready to get married yet and staying with me would only make him feel obligated to marry me and he would love to come back to me in a year or so when hes ready because i would be the perfect wife and mother. then most recently hes said its because he doesnt think im attractive and im just not his type of girl. but then there are the other reasons he wouldnt tell me...like there is someone else hes interested in, he wants to get back with his ex gf, or because he wants to see if he can still get girls with his arm looking like that.

[underpants]

well i am starting to feel a little better. ive been taking everyones advice and keeping busy, going out with friends, and trying to think of all the bad things about him. i have been no contact for 2 days now although yesterday he called me one time and left a voicemail saying "you were supposed to drop my stuff off here while i was at work today, where is it??" i wasnt able to take it there yesterday because i had to be at school most of the day for this orientation thing and its about an hour and 15 mins from his house so i didnt feel like driving all the way to school and then all the way to his house. plus i wasnt sure if i was going to make it there before he got home from work. i dont understand why he keeps calling me about it, its just a movie, a couple shirts, and his four wheeling helmet.

 

It is a string he has to you. An excuse to talk to you and keep you webbed. You do need to get that stuff back to him soon, and with no meeting if possible. Is he working today? Can you ship it? Can someone else drop it off?

 

i guess im still having trouble figuring out how things changed so quickly. friday he was DESPERATE to come over and talk to me and get back together. he wanted us to be 100% back together and he was being so sweet to me and everything was great. he wanted to see me again saturday but i could tell things were a little different, he seemed distant. sunday i was at his house half the day but he was still being weird. then monday he said he wasnt sure what he wanted again because he isnt attracted to me and he wanted to break up but we could still "date." then tuesday all day he was calling me acting very jealous wanting to know if i was talking to any guys or if i messed around with my ex boyfriend. he called me like 10 times that day and he wouldnt let me get off the phone, he just kept carrying on a conversation or if i did manage to get off the phone with him he would call back 5 mins later and say "hes bored and wants to talk." wednesday morning was the same thing. but after i talked to him wednesday morning i didnt hear from him again all day and not thursday morning either. finally i hear from him thursday afternoon telling me to bring his stuff over tomorrow and he never wants to see me or talk to me again. i was like in shock, i had no idea what had changed from yesterday till today. so i asked him and he said "nothing, i just dont want to talk to you anymore whats so hard to understand about that?" and i said "well you kept calling me the last 2 days and now out of nowhere you hate me." and he said "well from now on i just dont give a sh*t about you. i told you i wasnt sure what i wanted yet but you're out talking to other guys and trying to meet other guys." then he hung up on me and i havent talked to him since.

 

i dont understand how everything can change so drastically from one day to the next. ill probly never know the truth. maybe he has found someone else, maybe he really is getting back with his ex even though he totally denied it, maybe hes just really angry because there are other guys interested in me.

 

Somebody is cycling......and by somebody I mean him.

 

sometimes i wonder if his accident is a cause of all of this. right before his accident things were seriously perfect. for a month before it happened he finally became the guy i wanted him to be and i thought he finally changed for me. we were not fighting at all, he wasnt losing his temper, he was being very affectionate and loving and saying all the right things, we were apartment shopping and planning on moving in together, he said he couldnt wait to put an engagement ring on my finger, we were hanging out all day every day. it was the one time in our relationship that i knew i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. then he got into that accident and screwed up his arm so that it will never look normal again. after that things totally changed and he was short tempered and saying hurtful things to me and thats when he started saying one day he wants to be with me and the next he doesnt. i remember one day he was joking with me and he said "with my arm like this how am i supposed to get hott girls?" and i got a little angry because it kind of hurt my feelings. he said "im just kidding babe." but now i wonder if maybe thats really the reason hes done with me. because he has said many times how upset he is about his arm and how it makes him sick to even look at it and it depresses him. i wonder if he feels he needs to see if he can get "hott girls" even with his arm like that. so it will validate that he is still attractive and boost his self esteem.

 

i have all these thoughts running through my head and i just wish i had answers. i want to know the REAL reason why we broke up. he has said its because he can see himself marrying me and im such a great girl but he is scared of commitment and needs his space to figure things out, on a different day he has said its becasue hes not ready to get married yet and staying with me would only make him feel obligated to marry me and he would love to come back to me in a year or so when hes ready because i would be the perfect wife and mother. then most recently hes said its because he doesnt think im attractive and im just not his type of girl. but then there are the other reasons he wouldnt tell me...like there is someone else hes interested in, he wants to get back with his ex gf, or because he wants to see if he can still get girls with his arm looking like that.

 

OMG, now you see when I read this I feel my inner Hard Core Biatch rising. I could seriously mess his mind up so bad. Oh...oh, oh, the things I would want to say (and probably would). Alas, I will calm myself. What a manipulative little man. Oh no....girl, just no. He is not the one for you.

 

 

I hope you find a wonderful man with 2 good arms to hold on to you and the wisdom to not let go.