funkybassplayer Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 The dumper is just being kind you say by not having contact with the dumpee? I don't think so. I asked for my things back (that I think were left there) and got no answer. I tried to explain things that happened and wanted to discuss it and got no answer. Was that kind? I got one reply out of all of my emails and it was all blaming me (when in fact, he was the one in the wrong---and this is not just according to me but according to every single person that I've told). This is abuse, the same as i got. Thats the difference, and thats what we are saying between n/c on a respectful way, in that if the ex partner needs help, or needs to know about money owed, as i do, they will have the decency to respond, cos if they dont it really trully is abuse. I felt in this, that i was abused, its not making it up, as i was the one going through it, but at the end of the day, now, im a better person, and this has just reinforced why i could not or would not do this to someone else. But there is one thing that we can do......rise above it and forgive, cos for them to do this, they have to be hurting too, deep inside.
uniqueone Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 This is abuse, the same as i got. Thats the difference, and thats what we are saying between n/c on a respectful way, in that if the ex partner needs help, or needs to know about money owed, as i do, they will have the decency to respond, cos if they dont it really trully is abuse. I felt in this, that i was abused, its not making it up, as i was the one going through it, but at the end of the day, now, im a better person, and this has just reinforced why i could not or would not do this to someone else. But there is one thing that we can do......rise above it and forgive, cos for them to do this, they have to be hurting too, deep inside. I don't know if mine is exactly hurting....he's a narcissist. They don't actually feel.
funkybassplayer Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 I don't know if mine is exactly hurting....he's a narcissist. They don't actually feel. If that truly is the case, then you know there is nothing you can do but move forward, cos as you say these guys love only themselves and nothing else matters. The main person here is us, and not the ex, you have to do everything for you, and no one else.
NorCalDave Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 I thik n/c should be done if As both partners agree on it and b) there has been a reasnobale amount of time since the breakup (so you have time to say your peice) I think n/c can also be a horrible form of emotional abuse, and out of respect, the other partner should reply to what may be a plea for help. (she wanted n/c after a week of splitting up, and she was the one that wanted to remain friends, which i agreed to but as her new guy didnt like it ) which i understood, and respected. I have been in this situation recently where she asked for me not to contact her, but she said she would me???? ok i did as she asked, but it was a horrible un natural thing, not to want to say at least how are you doing to her and the kids that were such a big part of my life for 2 years. But at the same time, you know they are not thinking of us cos they have someone new, a new honeymoon to start, so i would be just in the way of that. But i respected her wish best i could, and am hoping one day we can be friends, but from my point of view, i thnk its very sad that two people who have been so close refuse to even say the sligtest thing to each other. Its a shame that things can end up this way. I have to say,, that 4 months later im healing well, and the emotions have all but gone now (and i had i bad!) but i think i would have been happeir if i was able to say hi to her kids, and her, but there you go. FBP, I think that while it may seem "horribly unnatural" to not communicate with your ex, (it does for me too) you have to think of it a different way. It might feel unnatural to not be catching up and being civil, but the thing for me is, I CAN'T be civil and friendly because my feelings ALWAYS start to grow again, and that's not the best thing. The "unnaturalness" will eventually fade and it will feel "natural" to NOT be speaking to them and catching up. If your ex or my ex has decided they don't need us in their lives anymore, why should we give them our precious time, energy, or love? They already told us they don't want that from us, so in my mind anyone who wants to remain friends afterwards is just being selfish. My ex wants to stay friends but I just can't do it...it's too painful, I always want more. So, friendship is not an option, so getting over this unnatural feeling of no contact is worth it because I would rather feel unnatural than the pain I feel when I am friends with her. Since when should any friendship be painful? No contact= better than painful friends;)hip.
funkybassplayer Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 FBP, I think that while it may seem "horribly unnatural" to not communicate with your ex, (it does for me too) you have to think of it a different way. It might feel unnatural to not be catching up and being civil, but the thing for me is, I CAN'T be civil and friendly because my feelings ALWAYS start to grow again, and that's not the best thing. The "unnaturalness" will eventually fade and it will feel "natural" to NOT be speaking to them and catching up. If your ex or my ex has decided they don't need us in their lives anymore, why should we give them our precious time, energy, or love? They already told us they don't want that from us, so in my mind anyone who wants to remain friends afterwards is just being selfish. My ex wants to stay friends but I just can't do it...it's too painful, I always want more. So, friendship is not an option, so getting over this unnatural feeling of no contact is worth it because I would rather feel unnatural than the pain I feel when I am friends with her. Since when should any friendship be painful? No contact= better than painful friends;)hip. Totally agree, but i would not put myself through a painful freindship, no way, thats why i know (and its what i feel in general, nothing to do with what she wants or does not want as i would not put myself on her in any way unless she wants friendship too) that i could be friends with her. We all feel differently, and i know this as when she told me about her new guy i was trully ok with it, she new that. i think by then, i was just tired of the relationship. What i keep saying on here, is that i miss them as people!!! I wish people can just expept that fact, but really i know that in my heart, and thats what matters.
Chief149 Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 What about if the dumpee ie....me trys N/C, and the dumper is the one calling all the time. I want to get back together but she does not, but keeps calling any way.
discoverychannel Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 there is just no one strict formula in relationships... we're humans!! Everyone's situation is different and only you know your own situation best, and what to do is best. But I agree with Norcaldave. It's too painful to maintain frdship ... it only reminds me that we're no longer together. WHat's worst is he had a new gf right after and I always saw them together. IN my case N/c was the only way to go for me as I didn't feel needed anyways and any contact was painful. Sometimes it is cruelty both ways The ideal... ofcourse is to minimize contact and treat eachother with respect and friendliness if contact occurs for w/e reason. I also think it depends if you're more logical/emotional oriented. The emotional ones seem to suffer more from NC and the logical ones seem to find it easier. Just my opinion.
NorCalDave Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Totally agree, but i would not put myself through a painful freindship, no way, thats why i know (and its what i feel in general, nothing to do with what she wants or does not want as i would not put myself on her in any way unless she wants friendship too) that i could be friends with her. We all feel differently, and i know this as when she told me about her new guy i was trully ok with it, she new that. i think by then, i was just tired of the relationship. What i keep saying on here, is that i miss them as people!!! I wish people can just expept that fact, but really i know that in my heart, and thats what matters. I know what you're saying. I miss her as a person as well. But when I weigh the pro's and con's of maintaining LC with her and seeing how she is every few weeks, I know for me, I will eventually get sucked in again. I get sucked into being friends with her, and we will both be on the same level for a while, but then my physical attraction for her takes over and next thing I know my feelings are too strong for friendship. She's going through menopause and is over sex and relationships it seems, and she has MANY personal demons to slay, so at this point in our lives we are very incompatible around each other. I am 29 and have hormones raging, and I want to touch her when I get around her as a friend. So....friendship= torture and pain= not a good friendship. Maybe in the future things will change and she will become more sexual and attack her demons and get healthier and more available emotionally, but I doubt it. She is a classic narcissist as well, and only seems to care about herself, so I really doubt she is missing me and hurting inside too. She probably misses the attention and love I gave her, because I gave it to her so willingly and freely. But when that love we give off is not reciprocated, it leaves you feeling empty and hollow inside...no wonder she wants to remain friends forever, because she gets to take take take take take all my energy, vibrations and love. I want to give that stuff to someone who can give it back to me. Someone who adds to my energy and aura, not someone who takes it only.
NorCalDave Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 What about if the dumpee ie....me trys N/C, and the dumper is the one calling all the time. I want to get back together but she does not, but keeps calling any way. This is kinda what I am going through, except my ex gives me space too. She just called once last week and hinted she still wanted to remain in contact even though she doesn't want to be together. I would rather not give her what she wants if she won't give me what I want. Make sense?
Curious139 Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 She just called once last week and hinted she still wanted to remain in contact even though she doesn't want to be together. I would rather not give her what she wants if she won't give me what I want. Make sense? I'm in the same situation. My ex emailed me a chatty message today which was a shock and made me feel both euphoric and brittle. I know she genuinely wants us to remain friends and in my case, because we are 1000 miles apart, it might be ok. But I know I'm going to suffer this weekend trying to second and third guess her real thoughts. I know she has found someone else and there is nothing for me to grasp onto, but we are all human and when you are deeply in love - and hurt, it doesn't take much to fan the flames of hope. So my opinion is that as the hurt party, you should respond to contact fairly coolly. Even a little formally. You need to protect yourself and any contact has a high risk of sparking hope, which then leads to crushing rejection as you realise that nothing has changed. Keep your dignity, your self-respect. That is essential for your personal well-being and additionally makes you more attractive. I have one friend who asked his ex not to contact him because he couldn't take the pain, and he gives her a lot of credit for respecting that.
kirikat Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 Ideally, a relationship is not over until both partners are on their feet, and the tears have dried, and everyone is ready to move on. Ideally, a couple will stay in relationship, stay in communication and stay commited to each other through the split... out of the love they once bore each other, and in the best interests of both. That said - sometimes there is no choice. The process of healthfully and gently ending a relationship requires immense maturity and a lot of love. I think NC is kind of cowardly, but - if you do not have someone who can stay in the process of leaving with you - its the only way to go.
Jmina Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 your meant to do non contact so you can work out who you are again...its nothing to do with your ex. its all about you. it is extremely hard, and its been four months for me, but im a lot stronger now and have find myself again. it takes a lot of time. if your ex wants you they will come back... if it was meant to be it will be... if they rejected what was offered in the first place then i doubt they will come back. just remember that if you loved your ex with your full heart and soul you know what you are capable of and you can and will love someone else with your whole heart and soul too. when there is love there is always a rainbow even if it is unrequieted or lost. embrace your love of your ex, dont feel ashamed that you are heartbroken, and dont compare yourself to your ex and their own healing. you can do it. just concentrate on your future what makes you happy and do that. Jmina
Author Donza Posted August 17, 2007 Author Posted August 17, 2007 your meant to do non contact so you can work out who you are again...its nothing to do with your ex. its all about you. it is extremely hard, and its been four months for me, but im a lot stronger now and have find myself again. it takes a lot of time. if your ex wants you they will come back... if it was meant to be it will be... if they rejected what was offered in the first place then i doubt they will come back. just remember that if you loved your ex with your full heart and soul you know what you are capable of and you can and will love someone else with your whole heart and soul too. when there is love there is always a rainbow even if it is unrequieted or lost. embrace your love of your ex, dont feel ashamed that you are heartbroken, and dont compare yourself to your ex and their own healing. you can do it. just concentrate on your future what makes you happy and do that. Jmina I know, i did love her... But man, its kinda hard. Even though i think we are not compatible and that i know she is too immature for me. I wonder what she is doing thats all.. I go through good times, but when i think of her it just comes flooding back.. She did contact me after a week of NC once before. I rejected the contact. But i suggested we meet if she was serious about clearing the air... Come the meeting, she bailed at the last minute... I decided enough was there and then.. Maybe she will come back? but i probably think i will have moved on by then..
marley_86 Posted August 17, 2007 Posted August 17, 2007 I saw my ex at my work on wednesday. This had been the first time i've seen him in the flesh in months. We went to a concert in June after our breakup, didn't speak for a month, then he talked to me on msn. On wednesday though, he waved i didn't wave back. When he called out my name, i didn't respond. He called my name out like he used to, when he was ticked off at me. Very firm. He broke up with me, b/c he found someone new. I really wished i didn't talk to him on msn, b/c i don't care about the girl's nickname. Is it kind of hopeless to start NC? And our town is having a beer garden, what do i do if he comes over at trys to talk to me?
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