Donza Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 I thought it was. But now one month one i am getting more and more depressed... Damn...
discoverychannel Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 Think of it this way... will seeing him again help you make it easier to get over him? or harder.. if you know it would be harder but you want to just because you heart is aching for him, then don't.
oddie Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 I thought it was. But now one month one i am getting more and more depressed... Damn... Sorry to hear, but if it has been one month and you have not heard anything, do you really want to be with someone who could so easily be without you?
uniqueone Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 I thought it was. But now one month one i am getting more and more depressed... Damn... I know what you mean. Here's how I look at it. Take it one day at a time. Each day you can consider it, but try to tell yourself you'll think about it some more and give it one more day before you do anything. And then post about it here. I've been doing that (however I haven't been posting about it here lately....but probably will soon). Just remember, giving it one more day to think about it.
oddie Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 ....again NC is suppose to be for you to heal yourself, not to get someone back, it's not easy as I can attest to, but I am trying to get closure and maybe thats something you could try to concentrate on. I am realizing: hey, why I should rely on someone else for my happiness.
Mr. C Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 It is the best way. Anyone who loves someone wouldn't want to go a month without them IMO, as oddie said. Hard as it is, it is definitely the best way to heal yourself.
NorCalDave Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 My off/on ex of 3 years just moved out of my place 1.5 weeks ago and I went on vacation for my birthday 1 day after she moved out. She left me a message on my voicemail on my birthday saying happy birthday and when I got back she wanted to "sit down and air things out", whatever that means. I haven't replied to her call, and it's been almost a week. Each day that goes by and we don't talk, I come closer and closer to calling. I was REAL close today. But, when I think about it, getting in touch with her does nothing for me. She wants to be friends, I want more. So.....what is there to talk about? What does she want to "sit down and air out"? There's really nothing to talk about anymore. She'd rather live with her parents an hour away than be my girlfriend and sleep in my bed in my house. She made her choice, and now we both have to live with it. Any more conversations or meetings just drag on something that is already done. Do I think about her still? Yes. Do I want to call her? Yes. Do I want to see her? Yes. But, do I also want to be happy and move on to someone who loves me and doesn't just use me? YES!!! IN that case, I can't do any of the above....which is why NO CONTACT IS THE ONLY OPTION. Sad but true.
Trialbyfire Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 But, do I also want to be happy and move on to someone who loves me and doesn't just use me? YES!!! IN that case, I can't do any of the above....which is why NO CONTACT IS THE ONLY OPTION. Sad but true. I'm really proud of you NCD. You've got the right attitude now. Stay strong.
NorCalDave Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 I'm really proud of you NCD. You've got the right attitude now. Stay strong. Thank you. It feels like the right thing to do. It feels healthiest. It feels like I am finally listening to all the people over the years who told me to run and not look back. I feel like I can finally breathe without her living in my house. But I miss her and accidently coming across a pic of us earlier today wasn't easy. But what it comes down to is I know I am a good person and I deserve love like everyone else does. I wasn't getting it from her, no matter how bad I wanted it from her. So, the universe and the gods are telling me to look elsewhere and move on. If I don't listen to all this advice people give me, and what the signs are telling me, I'd be a fool. And I ain't no fool! So. Going back to the OP, NC sucks and it's hard but it's for the best. You stick to it and so will I.
Trialbyfire Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 You stick to it and so will I. No worries, I will. You can be my NC buddy on LS.
Curious139 Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Personally I agree with NC. I've been grieving for seven weeks and haven't heard from her for nearly three weeks. I stopped emailing and she hasn't initiated any mail which I admit hurts like nothing I can describe but eventually it will help me reach acceptance. Every time I reached out she was kind but firm - no hope. Finito. All that happened to me is that I went back to stage one of the pain and rejection. Devastating experience. So NC is the best thing you can do for yourself. It helps keep your dignity and self-respect intact, and gives you time for the pain to fade.
Rayofsunshine Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 NC is difficult to do but it does help. I have been doing it for a month and a half and it has helped. Don't get me wrong there are days when I want to pick up the phone, email, or whatever to contact him. Then I think about it and realize that it won't help with anything. What would it solve? It would help fill the void at the moment (if he even will talk) but come the next day I'll be back to square one, an emotional mess.
livebuzzwords Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Think of it this way... will seeing him again help you make it easier to get over him? or harder.. if you know it would be harder but you want to just because you heart is aching for him, then don't. HOW IS THAT A BAD THING? U KNOW I AM STARTING TO BELIEVE THAT U DON'T REALIZE HOW MUCH YOU HAVE BEEN ABUSED AND ITS IMPACT ON YOU
discoverychannel Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Thank you for your opinion livebuzzwords. No I have not been abused in any way before and my exbf treated me with respect and dignity. We broke up on friendly terms and respect eachother for that. We agreed together on NC to allow breathing space so coming from my experience, if my urge to contact him is just to satisfy my desire from missing him, then I fought it. And then it got easier and easier to fight against the urge next time. As to is NC really the best thing? I have only been through one break up in my life but I think that people use different ways to get over a break up. Some choose to rebound, some use NC to use the personal space to heal, and etc. What a person chooses to do is their choice. The better choice depends on what your main focus is. If you want to get over your ex asap, then I think NC is the best way to go. Keeping in contact may be a better balance when friendship factor is considered but will inevitably make feelings drag and prolong the healing process. I know that you think that NC is cruel and disrespectful, but that depends on the situation and people. there are ex-couples that prefers the no contact you know? It's rare but when appropriate, it can be done in a respectful manner. I am not stating my opinion on how the breakup occurs and how each side of the party should treat the other side after. I am only stating if you have decided on NC as I have, then fight the urge to contact the other person. It will get easier the next time.
funkybassplayer Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 I thik n/c should be done if As both partners agree on it and b) there has been a reasnobale amount of time since the breakup (so you have time to say your peice) I think n/c can also be a horrible form of emotional abuse, and out of respect, the other partner should reply to what may be a plea for help. (she wanted n/c after a week of splitting up, and she was the one that wanted to remain friends, which i agreed to but as her new guy didnt like it ) which i understood, and respected. I have been in this situation recently where she asked for me not to contact her, but she said she would me???? ok i did as she asked, but it was a horrible un natural thing, not to want to say at least how are you doing to her and the kids that were such a big part of my life for 2 years. But at the same time, you know they are not thinking of us cos they have someone new, a new honeymoon to start, so i would be just in the way of that. But i respected her wish best i could, and am hoping one day we can be friends, but from my point of view, i thnk its very sad that two people who have been so close refuse to even say the sligtest thing to each other. Its a shame that things can end up this way. I have to say,, that 4 months later im healing well, and the emotions have all but gone now (and i had i bad!) but i think i would have been happeir if i was able to say hi to her kids, and her, but there you go.
discoverychannel Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 i think balance is the key... If NC means ZERO contact as if the other person doesn't exist.. then that's too much and is cruel. Even if you see them pretend you don't know them? no. Atleast an occasional "hey" and a nice friendly chat if you bump into eachother. Other than that trying to avoid / restrain from contact in personal time is reasonable. After all they're not your mate anymore.
funkybassplayer Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 i think balance is the key... If NC means ZERO contact as if the other person doesn't exist.. then that's too much and is cruel. Even if you see them pretend you don't know them? no. Atleast an occasional "hey" and a nice friendly chat if you bump into eachother. Other than that trying to avoid / restrain from contact in personal time is reasonable. After all they're not your mate anymore. I agree with this, cos i was treated like i never existed, and that a very **** place to be when you miss 3 kids that i really loved and a women who i cared for so much, even stuff to do with money was ignored. At first i really felt so hurt and emotionally abused, i mean why not say ok, got the message? it sometimes makes me feel that she does it on purpos for that reason, as she did stuff like this to her ex hubby as well, and all i can say is that it is a very disrespectful, hurtful way to treat some1 that gave up their soul for thier well being. I dont think that this is the act of a normal thinking person (not being nasty) but she did have many issues, as i but, i seeked help (dads death). All i can say is having gone through this myself i would never and have never done anything like this to anyone in all my 30 years of dating, but i managed to rise to the n/c and im proud of myself, and am givin me an overhall! Like i said, I would never put anyone through this if they needed me, i would help, cos i loved and cared for that person and i could'nt just ignor them, and if i was with some1 that hated this part of me, then thats there issue!
oddie Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Funky....I have read a lot of what you write to people in desperate situations, and I think you have a lot of advise to offer them from your experiences......As I read peoples posts and your subsequent replys I can't help but notice a couple of things.....I feel you have a deep void in your life created when you lost contact with your ex's kids, and your realizing that their isn't any place for you in their lives now that you ex has a new bf. I think it might be healthy for you to really come to terms with whether or not you can be in their lives, and try to move on, as hanging on to them, although you might miss them dearly, is not healthy for you and you will never find closure in that part of your life. The other thing I wanted to try to explain is about NC. NC is a method used by the "dumpee" to gain some self respect back after they have been dumped in the relationship. Also it creates a time for healing yourself to get to a point where you are mentally healthy again (not letting fond memories about the past relationship cloud your judgement about it) so you can assess the situation from a more non bias point of view. NC should not be used with the intentions of trying to get someone back in your life or get back at them. I understand NC can be misused by the dumper as a sort of mental abuse if they are selfish, and you are not able to get any closure out of the situation, but if you had some sort of discussion about the termination of you relationship with your ex (something I was never given the opportunity to do) and she has moved on, you options are to move yourself to a better place or stay in a state of mind that is not healthy for you. The fact that you and all the rest of us are still feeling empathy for the people that dumped us show that we are good, caring, compassionate human beings that deserve much better than our exs could or want to give us! So hanging on to the past with contact does not only prevent us from becomming healthy for our own peice of mind, but it also doesn't allow us to search or be available for someone that might have to offer what we as empathetic/caring people deserve. I hope I have been of som help with my observations. You seem to want to help all that hurt here which is a great quality that someone new in your life will see in you. Again my observations were made with absolutely no judgement and were only posted to try and help someone that tries to help others. Lets all get to that place where we know we survived what has happened to us, feel good about ourselves, start enjoying life and let others enjoy what we have to offer!
funkybassplayer Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 hello, i feel in me now, hat the kids or the ex are no longer a deep void in my life, as i have also moved on, and to be honest, i really dont have deep feeligs left for any of them, really, but as people i do miss them, and it would be nice to say hello. I feel if i could not do this with distress to me then i would'nt, but in all honesty, as the days move on, i think of them less and less, and have very little desire to contact them, altough their is still money owing. I really feel that i have felt and lernt so much from this break up, and it made me a better person, in that i know whats important in my life. I do feel that she did an amount of emotional abuse on me, im not just saying this, cos i know how she can be, but to be honest, now i dont really care one way or the other!. Im not really ready for anyone new as im finding that being single, and free from all the stress that the relationship involved is like a breath of fresh air, but as i have said b4, i really dont have any grudge agaist my ex, or even her new guy, i never did, but i was like the rest of us a mess for a good few weeks, and like the rest of us here felt all the pain that came to me, and even looked for help from a relationship/life coach who has been great, and has made me feel why things were done etc. I really dont miss the kids that much anymore, and infact i have just deleated the eldest daughters msn contact,she added me, but i feel at the moment, its not good for me to have her in my contacts. I dont ever belive that life is black and white, and as long as it does not prevent you from moving forward, (which with me it does not) a simple b/day card to the kids wont hurt, and any guesture i have made has not been returned, nor acknowlaged, so as long as i do things from the heart, and not for a responce, then its cool i guess. I dont really feel that n/c is the way to go, unless its too painfull to be intouch for eighter party, and i guess what hurt me, was not the relationship end, cos i infact was fine with this, but i guess to lose a family in one swift blow, and being compleatly ignord. This to me was strange, as right up till that day she was talking to me intimatly (i never knew about new guy) so i guess it was all a shock. I have learnt so much from people on here, and from the phycologhist in seeing (hes helping me in life coaching which is great) and i feel that over the past few weeks, i have been in good control of my emotions, and i know that any thing i did was for the right reason, and not for anything else. At the end of the day, i have done what i needed to do to shed the baggage, and still doing it, but how many done, how many just move on, to a new honeymoon! I was the brunt of alot of issues from this lady, and i know that sometimes, you are better to be on your own than to be so selfish as to find a host for your issues, But then as you say, we are compassionate people!
Ormolu611 Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 The other thing I wanted to try to explain is about NC. NC is a method used by the "dumpee" to gain some self respect back after they have been dumped in the relationship. Also it creates a time for healing yourself to get to a point where you are mentally healthy again (not letting fond memories about the past relationship cloud your judgement about it) so you can assess the situation from a more non bias point of view. NC should not be used with the intentions of trying to get someone back in your life or get back at them. I agree with this. This is the primary reason as to why I have been able to go as long as I have without breaking contact. I feel that my ex lost some respect for me prior to breaking up with me as evidenced by both how she spoke to me and what she specifically said. I was always committed to the relationship even when she was not, and I was the moth to her flame. The result? She lost respect for me. I will not ever make that mistake again. For me it is all about self respect. It is about illustrating that I can live my life without her. I am proud that I have maintained this for nearly 6 months. If she never initiates contact, then we shall never speak again I'm afraid. It is her choice at this point as the ball is definitely in her court, and I am leaving it there out of respect for myself. Remember that we are all valuable and rare, and maintaining no contact with our dumpers who have rejected us reinforces this notion. We are certainly NOT bankable assets that will always be around at their whim. This I think, is very important.
Trialbyfire Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 To throw in some thoughts from a dumpers perspective, NC is also a form of healing or a method of "cruel to be kind", if the dumpee continues to return. There are reasons why relationships don't work and sometimes it's better to cease all contact. People don't sever relationships for no reason at all, whether it's issues within themselves, unacceptable behaviours with the other or simply a case of non-compatibility. If NC is being used on either side, respect it. Leave the person alone because they don't want contact. They know where to find you, if they change their minds or are able to grapple and defeat their own personal demons. Having said that, it's up to you if you're willing to take them back.
funkybassplayer Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 i agree, and n/c does bring back self respect, but to be honest, i dont care if she respects me or not, what matters is what i think! Some people cannot do 100% n/c and thats ok, cos we are human, not machines, and if the person does what they have to and when then they have nothing to be ashamed off. (unless they hammer the ex with messages) I my self in 4 months have sent 1 eamil, and a gift for the kids. Other than that nothing. No one has the right to judge anyones weakness, not even our ex, and all that matters is that we do what we have to make ourselfs better. If you have to send that email then do it, cos you have to for you, and as long as you do it with the correct intention in mind, then its never wrong. As i said b4, i myself would never inflick n/c on anyone, as its cruel, and harsh, and belive that l/c is better. How can you just cut some1 out of your life compleatly, and if that person needed me i would and have been there. I think it takes a very cold person to do this, and i think that there is a difference between ignoring someone as a form of abuse, and n/c as a way to heal. There is a big difference, and i think that the guy on the end of the n/c knows in there heart if its abusive, or true n/c to heal. I think people here will not agree!! This is the first time in 30 years that i have come across n/c, and i have never felt worse (not now, im much better, but during the first few weeks) , as i can say to have l/c with an ex, and i have given this always is the most humain thing to do.
uniqueone Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 To throw in some thoughts from a dumpers perspective, NC is also a form of healing or a method of "cruel to be kind", if the dumpee continues to return. There are reasons why relationships don't work and sometimes it's better to cease all contact. People don't sever relationships for no reason at all, whether it's issues within themselves, unacceptable behaviours with the other or simply a case of non-compatibility. The dumper is just being kind you say by not having contact with the dumpee? I don't think so. I asked for my things back (that I think were left there) and got no answer. I tried to explain things that happened and wanted to discuss it and got no answer. Was that kind? I got one reply out of all of my emails and it was all blaming me (when in fact, he was the one in the wrong---and this is not just according to me but according to every single person that I've told).
Trialbyfire Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 The dumper is just being kind you say by not having contact with the dumpee? I don't think so. I asked for my things back (that I think were left there) and got no answer. I tried to explain things that happened and wanted to discuss it and got no answer. Was that kind? I got one reply out of all of my emails and it was all blaming me (when in fact, he was the one in the wrong---and this is not just according to me but according to every single person that I've told). If you refer back to my post, you will see the word "or" in it. There are many reasons why a dumper uses NC. Don't get me wrong. It's never altruistic, although sometimes there is an element of altruism involved.
In Sync Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 NC is the medicine that does not taste well but is oh so helpful in healing from a break-up, that have not ended where both parties are amiable and have both agreed the that ending the relationship is best. My experience was exactly as many here in the first week, weeks that turned into months...it was hard. it was a struggle...But when I started to grasp that it wasn't something to do to prove to the other person I could do get on without them...BUT accepting it was a way to heal emotionally and mentally from the very real pain of heartache...I understood it was the best choice out there. I don't think any of us want to have unhappy bitter endings to any relationship...and there's a part of us that feels if we stay in contact (even with a person who no longer wants to be with us) we could make the breakup less painful. This is an illusion. Heartbreak and rejection is part of life. We don't like it, but we can help ourselve in healing...just like we would take penicillin if we needed it. So instead of resisting the medicine of NC, think of it has a means to healing you emotionally.
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