An Open Letter To C Asking For Her Forgiveness

[livebuzzwords]

Dear C,

Right now, I understand that I am the last person you want to hear from. I promise that this Open Letter to you will be the only form of communication I will make. I fully understand what you stated in your Victim Impact Statement, that you do not require an apology, and I respect your decisions and needs – that you just want silence and to be left alone but I believe it is important for both of us that I apologize to you. Please know that I respect your right and all your decisions and after this I will discontinue this type of activity. I don’t even know if you or anyone you know visits this site but my hope that some day you will read this and find it in your heart to forgive me for what I have done to you. I recognize you don't "owe" me anything. If anyone knows you and they visit this site, I would appreciate that you pass this on to her -and I thank anyone that does that in advance.

C, I am sorry I caused you, your daughter, your family and your friends such hurt and pain. I am humbled by the events that have occurred over the last year, and admit my guilt, I did many things wrong. Our relationship and how it ended has been extremely hard on us both We have had this prolong trauma take far to much time out of our lives and I will do everything I can to ensure it has ended. This trauma has left us feeling powerless, helpless, paralyzed, and overwhelmed. I recognize that you, just as I have been greatly affected by this. My Open Letter to you is the only way I can think of to help.

 

I know your trauma is real and has had real effects on your life. I do not want you to have any fear nor feel you do not have a safe place. I am aware that you suffered in many ways because of my behaviour during a period of time where I was delusional and suffering from substance abuse, [and that during the relationship and during the breakup], we both have suffered enough and I hope this in some way helps us both heal. I accept full responsibility; and acknowledge that I caused many people and I hope this proves to be redemptive; and that you will once again feel deep peace and joy. I hope my words make you whole again.

I want you to know that I recognize you did love me once and that you were there for me in my time of need. And even when things got really bad at the end, you stil tried to make things better. You have always done the best you could and you always did the right things at the right time. You helped me with the parenting duties during the time I was ill and you basically had to deal with your job, two children, your school, household stuff and me acting bizarre. I know my daughter feels only good thoughts about you. You were the one that offered help even when I was being verbally abusive and when I saw your actions as confrontational. Even when I was disrespecting you by posting things on web sites, leaving comments in chat rooms and many other places, you always respected my privacy. I know that keeping your silence over the past year has been really hard for you to do and that self-protection is never an easy thing to do.

Please understand that when I was suffering, I never meant to hurt you in any way, nor do I now. I would never hurt you on purpose. I have done so while ill and I take responsibility for that. I'm sorry for the pain you went thru and are going through. I fully expect you to do what is the best for you.

Looking back, I don’t think you ever put your feelings before mine until the end of the relationship, and it had to have been hard to admit to yourself then that you had to end things and that now you can no longer be with me in any way. At one time I hoped we would get back together, then went I lost that hope, be friends at the very least but I know now that will never be possible because you need me to never contact you again and I accept that for it was me that caused out demise.

I know that you loved me dearly and I know that to be true because the time I freaked out at your parents place and was screaming in the backyard for you to tell me you don’t love me anymore, you never did that. Even then. I did not react correctly to the realization that I had truly lost you so I ran thru so many painful emotions and at times you were in the front lines. I was so angry at myself when I realized that you would never come back. You once told me that there are times where things happen and loving someone isn't enough to make it better - that is the truth. I always had a fairy tale belief that not just any love, but our love was stronger than life itself and it would make everything better - it didn't and you proved yourself right again - i really never imagined i would be capable of doing something so bad that you had to leave me – but i did and you needed to do what was best for you.

Looking back now, I remember us talking about what a risk moving in to my home would be but we gambled because we wanted to be with each other so bad. We were so in love - it was wicked. Unfortunately, us living together, in a house full of bad memories for me, turned out to be the worst decision we made. I believe we would still be together if we had not done that. I have sold that house for the very reason that it was there we really ended our relationship and I could no longer live healthy there. That house had bad vibes and it wasn’t long after you moved in that I gradually slipped into a depression, and the welcome I had promised to you quickly vanished. I told you this was our house, and at fiirst I did everything I could to make you feel that, then that changed as I became depressed and I started making you feel like a stranger there. I am sorry for doing that. And I have made you a stranger to me forever and I don't think I will ever forgive myself for that. I miss you so much. When I started getting sick, I took it out on you, not sure why that happened - I questioned everything, made you walk on egg shells, made you feel unworthy with rude comments, and anything we had discussed previously, about removations, working on things together as a couple, any suggestion you had I would make it seem like it was such a burden to do, and that you should just be thankful you have a roof over your head. I was a jerk, an [COLOR=Red]*[/COLOR][COLOR=Red]*[/COLOR][COLOR=Red]*[/COLOR][COLOR=Red]*[/COLOR][COLOR=Red]*[/COLOR][COLOR=Red]*[/COLOR][COLOR=Red]*[/COLOR], and things got worse.

As I got more ill, I started behaving in ways that I never have in my life. I became a stranger in my own body. There are things I did that have haunted me. I made fun of you, made you feel like you were the cause for my financial woes, when I never once asked you for assistance [which you gladly would have]. I made you feel trapped and isolated and because you had agreed to move in, you were at a bad place regarding options. As I changed, became an emotional abuser, a lair, a dealbreaker, I ruined our initmate life, I made you feel unattractive, turned into a sex addict for a brief time while I was using cocaine - I was so numb from the depression and meds, that nothing or no-one mattered, their feelings, the consquences of my actions meant nothing to me. I used your car to buy drugs, I slept all day, stayed up all nite and made your life hell. Every once in a while I would surface from my depression, be me again, and think OMG what is hell is happening here, stop this now, but then the cycle of self-pity would sink me down again and I would start back at you. And you took it all because you knew I was sick and you loved me.

I rewarded you by making you feel like every thing you believed in, wanted, needed was no longer important to me. I invade your privacy, accused you of things you never did nor would do, and made you feel that anything you did was not good. I remember the times when my illness would take a break, and I would see your face, as you sheltered yourself away from me, in the bedroom and it was a look of worry, fear, disbelief and concern, and it was saying 'is the old G, the real G ever coming back?" and I would try everything I could to get better – but I failed miserably. I will always hold inside me the fact that I made someone as caring as you fearful. And even then, even when you were frightened because I had changed, during all that you still faught for us.

As you remember, when winter set in, I got worse and started my substance abuse in an extreme way, and even though I knew that was wrong, its like I had no control over what I was doing, I did so because it gave me a pause from the depression, energy and a chance to get back on my feet. But doing that went against everything we believed in. And within weeks I was addicted, full of shame, and I started lying about everything. I had never lied to you once, never wanted to, and I don’t know why I allowed shame to play such a destructive role in our lives back then.

When you found baggies and asked me questions - I ran away from you. I don’t know how I was able to face you when I was constantly lying about that but the longer it went on, I started living out the lies as they were the truth. When you knew what was happening and were concerned for my health, I pretended you were wrong - that I would never do something like that and made you feel bad for saying such things. And when I started doing things like that that are so wrong and unacceptable, I started not caring about anyone’s personal safety, about my own life and I used during times everyone was home, even when you could not believe how quickly things were falling apart and you were holding up the fort – you still cared for me.

I got worse right around Christmas. I will always remember making you cry then because you were spending Christmas eve, wrapping gifts alone, in a house you were told to embrace as yours but had turned into a nightmare, and me, pacing around, doing nothing but give you the silent treatment, mad at you because you wanted to help me – I hated myself at that point and I started to self-harm.

Then I totally started blaming you for my illness, refused to eat with you, I would just get up, leave the house and disappear for hours. I would wake u up in the middle of the night, and say I needed reassurance, then make it impossible for you to make heads or tails of what I was actually talking about. I know you still tried, as best you could to figure a way out of what was happening. And this went on until the night we lay in bed and you cried in my arms. That was when you had been pushed too far, and had decided that it was time you came first and that was the first time you had done that – and it was the right decision. You got mad at me, and that was deserved, and mad at me because I hadn’t done enuff to get better – and I hadn’t.

I expected you to fix things, fix me, because you had that power inside you, to make everything magically better like you always had but too much had occurred and I was in a state where I didn’t see the harm I had caused over 7 months. It was time for you to take care of yourself and I knew that as well that is why when you moved out, as much as I wanted to stop that, I knew that if I loved you, I had to let you go. I never thought you would leave me, never thought us wouldn't be us.

During those days of me telling you lies, every lie cut me deeply, and there were many days that I have wished a hundred times, or more that I would have told you the truth every single day. I would like for you to know that I am not the type of person that goes around telling such lies, a person that crumbled under stress and treated you as I did.

I didn’t plan on any of that happening, and I was just as shocked as you that what was once so promising had disappeared in our home. I live with that reality every day – it is a frightening reality for me. I crushed so many things we held special and now that I am better I have had to deal with the consequences of all that, the missed dealbreakers, the poor judgement, the loss of us, the financial strain, the public shaming, the prison, the silence, your hurt – I woke up, got better and saw how everything had been destroyed thru my illness and I didn’t feel that was fair. I knew I couldn’t ask for a second chance so I tried doing things to make amends, but the hurt was strong and like poison and your silence drove me mad again. I

Over the past two years, you have had to go thru so much - sadness, worry, mass confusion, anger, fear, hate, protection, everything. You lost who you were as a person with me in that house and a great 4 year relationship ended in under 7 months – that’s why, when I got better I kept telling you felt like I was behind you in time, that I needed to catch up, make things better fast and you just were no longer willing to do what I wanted first – you had shifted. You had changed everything in your life for me, and I had done nothing but get sick.

You probably must have started questioning my love for you then as well. And at the time I should have been doing some honest soul searching and making things better I felt sorry for myself – and you started feeling that everything was a mistake. At that time I was in now shape to do what was needed, I was mentally and physically a wreck and I saw in your eyes that you had had enuff. And I lost the battle. I had stopped giving you everything you needed from me and from a relationship and made you feel like what we once had was false, you started doubting and questioning me, us and what you were doing in such a situation – and I knew then what was best for you was in my best interest as well.

You had compromised your morals, ethics, and had already forgiven me for things that should not have been forgiven but you saw no improvement, saw how much hurt I was going thru knowing I had screwed things up and that the best thing for you and I would be for you to leave, go silent and into NC. And I know that is something you didn’t want, somethiing that would be hard, and something that would cuase us trouble. And of course I didn’t disappoint you again – I had gotten extremely good at doing the EXACT opposite of what was needed and the total opposite of who I am.

I had made you feel invisble, unwanted, and put you thru things that you have never been thru and never should have gone thru and you found your voice, your strength and your courage and you started taking care of yourself – I am so proud of you for that.

You taught me so much and I have rewarded you with noithing. You taught me that I need to take better care of myself, you have taught me that things that come into your life can leave just as fast. You taught me that there sometimes is no second chance.

You gave everything you could, all of yer heart, your body and soul. You were there for the long haul, you wanted to get married. You and I had put everything on the line by decidiing to live in that house and it was a gamble that didn’t work.

The thing that hurts me the most is my belief that you now probably think I never loved you, you were my world, the one, perfection. It hurts me to know that you felt unloved by me, it hurts that I forced you to make those decisions, made you fear someone you once loved.

 

You say said in your Impact Statement that I stole your confidence, your self-worth, esteem but you haven’t lost those things – you are stronger now then you were at anytime we were together. I gave you a help with that at the start and then you learned how to figure things about yourself, by yourself, you have learned that what you need, what you want, is important and you have learned that you need to be true to yourself and your values and beliefs. You have learned to respect yourself, and not compromise your values. My failure gave you that and I know you would do that with me.

I made you hate yourself for a while, and there are so many things that I caused that it is impossible for me to heal. Imagine how it feels for me to have done those things, been unable to recognize what was occurring because of illness, and then recover and watch the woman of my dreams disappear – I loved you eternally. But you know that. We did enuff real things together for you to understand that and what happened was not me just failing showing my true colours, but me being consumed by illness. And knowing now that you fear me means maybe you will never know that, because you have been in NC for a year, you needed to send me to prison and that has been extremely hurtful and will take many years to deal with. Every negative reaction you have to me now can be directly linked to those 7 months out of 4 years where I was ill and knowing I had lost you has had a huge impact on me and my health – as you well know.

No matter what you think, no matter what you have needed to put me, and us, thru because of my behavour I know the person you are is a good one and that you need to hide, be away from me. You are a a good person, with good values and beliefs. You forget that I was the same as you, that we had so many similraities it was spooky. You now see me as the image that was frozen by NC. And I know that I will never be able to once again have you recognize me for and as the person I am – the one you fell in love with. I am an embarrassment to you, I am not worth your voice anymore, and we has lost so much because of my depression. I wish you could go thru just a fraction of what I have gone thru over the last 10 months and I could fill your shoes - maybe we wouldn't hurt so much.

C, I never asked you to change, I always respected you, your values and beliefs, I always wanted you to just be yourself and remain grounded. I am so tired of the struggle I have, the knowledge that I will never be able to simply make amends to you. Thats all I can truly ask for. There has never been a thought in my mind that you would return to me after all that, all I wanted and was trying to do was show you the man I am, the same guy that loved you and treated you right, so you would recognize me and once again be yourself. All I wanted was to see that you don’t hate me, that you understand what happened to me, what I MUST go thru, and that I understand what YOU went thru and that it will never happen again, and that you would forgive me so maybe we can finally heal that way – It hurts to need that from someone I hurt so bad and it continues to haunt me one year later because this need will never arrive I am out of answers – this Open Letter is all I have left.

This whole experience has been very difficult for me and you and we have been hurt deeply – I truly believe if you fear me so much to believe I am a danger to you and that for you to feel safe you need to send me to prison – that the option of communicating and solving this is impossible to you, must mean you hate me and that is crushing and something I will never heal from.

I have been seeking help with my issues and I can promise you will not see a repeat of the past. I have worked extremely hard to get better and try and understand why I did this to you. And while I have tackled many of the troubling issues, I am taking it slow as my health [mental and physical] has been servely compromised and will take years of hard work to regain normalcy. I hope one day to even be able to forgive myself as well.

See I hate myself for what I done to you more than you will ever know the pain I feel because of that – we both have suffered from this breakup. I want you to know how sad I feel for every time I hurt you, and did so in so many ways. This has weighed heavily on my heart for over a year over a year now. Whatever you do please don’t feel that any of this was your fault.

You are a wonderful person, and I am sad that things ended with you not being able to even talk to me. I don't blame you for doing what you have done.

It is impossible to forget what we shared, what we had, who you are, what you mean to me, and how deeply I love you and how that love will never dimish. I miss you everyday, terribly, and while you will always be in my heart and soul, the fact that this is all I will ever have again is still amazingly sad.

We both feel so tortured by what has happened and I only want you to do what is best for you, and I believe we can both find our peace by reaching and forgiving each other. I would never ask for connect with you – I have a lifetime of broken dreams to account for and I can’t remember wanted you to be my friend so badly again – because that’s what started it all – that’s what we are – we are the best of friends. I has lost so much in losing you.

Hurting you has killed me inside and I am doing the best I can to heal. I wish you would accept my apology, I wish your heart heals quickly, and I wish you only happiness and peace.

C, u are magical. You are perfect, I would wait forever for you. You are the only woman I will ever truely love, and I did right from the start, and I always will love you. We have been hurt so badly because our love was so strong, we both gave everything we had. We sacrificed, we tried, we expressed, we made it work. But not ever ending is a happy ending - As hard as it is, "sorry" isn't the magic word that makes all your problems go away.

Sometimes, the other person isn't ready to rebuild your relationship, or sometimes, things are beyond apologies, our as you have told me clearly beyond repair. However, whether you like it or not, I consider a true friend, and I know someday you will understand. .

I will never make you run from me again. I have felt the lose of you so deeply that I have had a number of deluisonal espiodes where my BP and PTSD had more sway over my common-sense to simply leave you alone. The times I have been unable to stop have only been on those dates that were important to us – like Christmas, your birthday, Valentines Day – and my gestures were simply ones from the heart – and ones I can now control because you have asked me to with your words. If you re-examine those events you will see that it is only me, struggling with the loss of you as my bride, the lose of your friendship and me trying to heal by knowing that you SEE the real me again, you forgive me and you understand what happened.

I am sure you will find a much greater person than I to love, if you haven’t already. I always cared about you. Remember I was somehow able to write that love song during my depression. Please do not think unkind of me.

Can we find a way to put this behind us and I can be assured that you will be ok – I only ask this. move on. I would hate to have you leave my life completely, but i have accepted the fact that is what has happened. I have so much respect for you and love for you and thank you for everything you have done for me. I truly hope that you are happy and that fate brings you beautiful things in your life.

I know you'll deal with everything, you're so strong now, I'm so proud of you and I really want that for you. You deserve it and I was holding you back from it. We did the best we could under difficult times, you did what you were supposed to. I will be improving on my faults and growing as much as I can.

I learned a lifetime of wisdom from us. I know that you did love me with everything you had. I know you were true to me and I know that we had an amazing almost surreal relationship. And I know that I [COLOR=Red]*[/COLOR][COLOR=Red]*[/COLOR][COLOR=Red]*[/COLOR][COLOR=Red]*[/COLOR]ed that up. I only hope you know how much I loved you and how grateful I am to have had you. I wish I could change things but I can’t but I can give u what u want from me, as I am now strong enough. You stated that you do not want any contact from me in any situation, ever and my love for can do that. Once I made promises to you that I couldn’t keep but this one I will.

I thank you C For giving me that love

[TerryTeardrop]

You sound just like my ex

 

That was painful to read

[LakesideDream]

Buzzwords, Apologies that contain excuses are self serving and banal. I stopped counting at 37 half way through your missive.

 

Why don't you do the woman you abused so throughly the only favor you can that could enrich her life... leave her alone.