smoochygirl Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 I came to this site out of curiosity about people lives and relationship. I have read a lot of post here about BS, MM, MW and OW. I never suspect my H about anything so for now i am WW( wonderful wife) and my H is a FH (Faithful Husband). I am curious why does BS accepted their WS after they found out about the affair, and why some of them became martyr. How long is the marriage before WS actually start to cheat? Is it the relationship or just the person? I read this other thread about the BS trying to do everything to survive the M. Trying to go to MC and keep forgive her WS but it don't look good at all:(. Please i am new to this site so if this kind of thread was made already please kindly guide me through there so i can read it thank you very much.
Curmudgeon Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 I came to this site out of curiosity about people lives and relationship. I have read a lot of post here about BS, MM, MW and OW. I never suspect my H about anything so for now i am WW( wonderful wife) and my H is a FH (Faithful Husband). I am curious why does BS accepted their WS after they found out about the affair, and why some of them became martyr. How long is the marriage before WS actually start to cheat? Is it the relationship or just the person? I read this other thread about the BS trying to do everything to survive the M. Trying to go to MC and keep forgive her WS but it don't look good at all:(. Please i am new to this site so if this kind of thread was made already please kindly guide me through there so i can read it thank you very much. ...you do have doubts about "FH?" Otherwise you wouldn't have posted this. I strongly suspected infidelity about 20 years into the marriage and had proof positive (another one) at the 25-year mark. I divorced her. There may have been more I'm not aware of but it doesn't matter now, nor does she. Is that what you're looking for?
Author smoochygirl Posted August 14, 2007 Author Posted August 14, 2007 I swear from the bottom of my heart i honestly don't have any doubt about FH. I posted this because of curiosity about a bs, how did they handle their situation and is that really easy to forgive someone who cheat on you?. It's just that i never been in that kind of situation, except i see my parents in that mess but doesn't really know how they feel.
herenow Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 OK, I can only answer this based on my own experience. I Have told my story on OW/OM already, so I will try to keep this short. I was completely blind sided when I caught my H having an affair. I can look back now and see that there were signs, but I didn't know how to read them at the time. When I found out, I asked him to leave and called a lawyer to file for divorce. My H tried everything to convince me that he loved me and that he made a mistake, but I wanted no part of a marriage to a cheater. We went to MC, not to fix our marriage, but to decide the best way to handle the kids so that they would know that they had nothing to do with it, and they are very much loved by both of their parents. I didn't want them to pay the price for the failure of our marriage. The counselor asked me to wait a a few weeks to actually file the divorce papers. I agreed providing my H moved out. We continued to go to MC and started to really look at the problems in our marriage. Being comfortable with the fact that I was going to divorce him and move on, I had no problem speaking openly about how I felt. I also had no problem accepting responsibility for my part in what went wrong. However, no matter what, he is the one that cheated and that was not acceptable. He begged daily to come back and I resisted, but eventually let him come home, at that point so that the kids could see that we were trying our best. My H has always accepted responsibility for his actions. He never blamed me or the OW. I noticed that he was trying to understand what he was looking for in the affair and why he did what he did. He has done so much to fix what was missing in himself and in our marriage. I felt that I should do the same. When we were both on that track, we were able to reconnect and realize that we still love each other and that our marriage deserves a second chance. I hope that answers you question, if not, I'll be more than happy to answer any other questions you have. I'm leaving for the rest of the night, but I will check back tomorrow.
Curmudgeon Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 Well then. It feels like crap and there's never a true and unencumbered level of trust again, even if you make the decision to stay together. You're always on edge, somewhat suspicious and waiting for the next shoe to drop. There has to be some level of love to live that way but in hindsight, there's never again a true level of comfort. My advice is to avoid it at all costs. For me, the end of the marriage ultimately resulted in a profound sense of relief.
Author smoochygirl Posted August 14, 2007 Author Posted August 14, 2007 Thanks for the response, I guess every situation is different. HN i wish you the best in your M. Curmudgeon i understand how you fell as i see it through my dad's real wife. HN just another question if you don't mine. IF the H cheat and we leave them does it really help to open their eyes in reality? Because i notice that when BS try and work their marriage with their WS without giving the WS a lesson (like leaving them) the situation only get worse? Does it help to just let them go and if they come back they are all yours?
herenow Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 Thanks for the response, I guess every situation is different. HN i wish you the best in your M. Curmudgeon i understand how you fell as i see it through my dad's real wife. HN just another question if you don't mine. IF the H cheat and we leave them does it really help to open their eyes in reality? Because i notice that when BS try and work their marriage with their WS without giving the WS a lesson (like leaving them) the situation only get worse? Does it help to just let them go and if they come back they are all yours? Again, I can only answer for myself. My actions were not because I wanted to teach my H any kind of lesson, they were to do what was best for me and my kids. I didn't want to be with a man who wanted in any way to be with someone else. I was giving him the freedom to be with the OW or whoever he wanted to be with, and also giving myself a chance to start new. There was no threat of him "losing his kids". As a matter of fact, I wanted to protect their relationship with their dad. I felt that if he wanted to be with someone else, I didn't want to be with him, but our children shouldn't have to give up any of the love they have for or get from both their parents. My intention was to just let him go. Even though he broke off the affair immediately and begged my forgiveness, I wasn't buying it. It took a while for me to even consider letting him back into my heart. I'm glad I gave him a second chance. He continues to prove to me that I made the right choice.
tupactip Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 For me it is very easy to forgive my wife casue i truly feel that i had many parts that lead to it but at this time she lives with him
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